Things to Tell my 18-year-old Self
That boy is not the world,
And he will leave you shaking in the shower
With blood pooling from your hip.
Saying his name will hurt your soul.
You’ll try to run from him.
But even with the possibility of death,
You still make him your first call?
The blurring of stop signs
And the panic of losing your job
Will never outweigh a safe ride home.
Or knowing she could still be alive.
Don’t give your heart to just anyone.
You’ll give anything to have somebody hold your soul.
Instead he will drink it,
Vomiting it up into the alley behind your home.
He’ll breakup with you three different times while wasted,
Sewing your heart onto the sleeve
Of his least favorite jacket.
Some of your closest family won’t be blood.
Your blood will shame you,
Leave you in an alley hyperventilating.
You’ll go running into another mother’s arms.
She will give you her couch,
Let you borrow her family.
She’ll show you what a home should be.
Until it’s time to move on.
If it’s too good to be true…
Your first apartment will only be $375/month
You’ll never meet your landlord.
Bedbugs will begin appearing in the sink
Days after you excuse the bites as hives.
The new beginning will be painful,
And so will the next one.
Nobody falls in love in ten days.
When a boy from the past understands your pain,
It doesn’t mean you should put your smile
He’ll drop it as easily as he picked it up.
You’ll repeatedly keep trying to plant your happiness
In the jeans laying on another woman’s floor.
Don’t jump to conclusions.
Constant paranoia is not normal.
Fear of possibilities should not be the noose
You’ll follow boys to see if there’s someone else.
Seeing accidents in thin air.
Panicking over bomber planes.
Unable to ask your assistant to do their job.
It’s not just depression.
Nobody well spends their life in bed.
You will drown yourself in blankets,
You will still open your skin,
When you fear an explosion.
Antidepressants won’t be enough.
You will isolate yourself.
The only way you know to stay safe.
When you’re your own best friend,
You learn things you never knew
About the bag of meat you carry daily.
You will learn your comfort zones,
Like a parent to hold your hand crossing the street.
You’ll appreciate an empty bed,
You’ll discover who and why you are,
Forgiving the hatred you once wore around your neck.
The right man will be a perfect fit.
You’ll feel comfortable immediately,
The first time he touches you,
Everything will fall into place,
Like finding the correct key
He’ll understand your hurt,
Without drowning you in his own.
He’ll give you freedom to be yourself,
You’ll drive yourself crazy,
Wondering how everything is still
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