FAILED HERO.

YOU'RE A PATHETIC MIMICRY OF A HERO.

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starter call???

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hell

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anyways im never doing anything ever again.

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noquirk‌:

    come home. home.  katsuki says it like home wasn’t soot, like home wasn’t ashes burnt because who wants to keep a house that’ll you’ll abandon, anyway?   it reeked of debauchery, of desolation and a dead boy’s dreams with dead fishes.  the walls screamed with hollow, empty, void-like irises from a once called hero that whispered the words  you can’t be a hero. be more realistic, kid.  like a broken mantra, an unwanted, ugly truth.   but you swallow it anyway. you don’t have a choice, never given one eitherr.

    home’s already a dead horse that you don’t need to beat further. a torn, burnt polaroid picture of what were once best friends.

    ❛   save my fucking dick, katsuki.   ❜  a sneer.  these words … this desperate act of saving, of being a hero.  it’s all too familiar——- felt like a mockery against you centuries ago.    ❛   what the fuck do you know about saving?  do you even want to genuinely save me or are you only trying to salvate your own mistakes?   that’s not being a hero, you goddamn fucking idiot.  it’s called trying to repair what you’ve broken and don’t you fucking dare call this heroic, they’ve given you that choice years ago and you did NOTHING.   you’re only doing this because you’re trying to make it up for what you did when we were kids? is that it? i know it is. i know you far too well. kaccha- katsuki doesn’t know anything about saving. he only cares about himself.  ❜

   his words serve as a bullet. the target point is at your heart. agitation pours out but another voice tries to pry away from your ribcage’s unforgiving bars.  you tell it to shut up.  you bury it and let it die let it diediediediediediedIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE.

   izuku midoriya died two years ago and that’s how it’ll end up. you can’t let him wake up until this world is a softer place. until this world can be enough for boys who think love before live.

   ❛   you really are a joke, aren’t you?  do you think this entire thing is a petty fucking move?   ❜   a spit. teeth grit, brows furrow, eyes glare,   ❛  what makes you think that i’m equally as shitty as you?   don’t try to make this about yourself. all of this– this isn’t entirely you. you really do love making things everything about you, don’t you?  haha. you call yourself a hero and yet all you can think about is your own damn being.  pathetic. i don’t know why i used to look up to you at all.  ❜

     for a moment,  just a split moment of something that feels like a mix of desperation and idiocy,  you wonder if this is a nightmare.  the vivid scenes that had been glued to your eyelids for years,  a haunting movie on repeat every time you dared to even think of sleep   ( and kirishima wonders why you struggle with it ).   but this isn’t the boy you’d see in those scenes /  a twisted mockery instead.  

          the boy you’d see in your nightmares was the one you remembered from your childhood.  eyes drained of hope,  digging into you as hands  grabbed  /  clawed  /  squeezed at your throat,  cut your breaths short.  you could taste the vile slime in your mouth,  heavy and just as disgusting as it had been back then.  you would never get the chance to apologize,  and maybe that’s fitting.

             this isn’t the izuku of your memories.  it isn’t a nightmare.  you’re awake.

     he sneers and you can’t blame him.  despite damned pride telling you to sneer back,  to bite back and fight like you always would.  repeat a cycle of events that you thought led up to this.  you never knew how to be gentle after all,  the only things you knew were violence and anger  /  a gift from your mother.  but then you hear that glimpse of a name that had fallen into disuse,  something you never thought you’d hear aloud again and you freeze.

            ‘ katsuki ‘  leaves a hollow feeling in your chest and you don’t know why.

     “  you go and fuck off and you think i just didn’t change?  that i’m the same damn person as i was when you left---  you of all people should know that things are different.  “   THAT I’M DIFFERENT.   “  a hell of a lot’s changed,  izuku,  and i said it before---  ‘s about YOU.  “

     you want to grab him by his collar,  yank him forward and jolt him around until he sees---  until he finally gets it into his head that whatever he’s doing here isn’t the way to handle things.  but you don’t.  you can’t bring yourself to touch him.  like you’d somehow make things worse  /  like you’d only prove him right.  you shake your head.   “  i ain’t doing this ‘cause i’m trying to do my damn  ‘ good deed of the week ‘  i’m doing this because it’s enough.  this is enough.  “   you sat through his funeral once,  you don’t want to do it again.

     “  but there’s no damn point in dragging you back by force if you don’t see that!  i drag you back home and then what?  you run again?  send the police on another chase for you again?  another fucking round of those stupid  ‘ have you seen me ‘  posters all over the place.  “   and a sigh,  something built up over the conversation.   “  i ain’t bringing you home just for you to break your mom’s heart by running like a coward.  “

                                “  that’s why i want you to let me save you.  “

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just follow my hawks or denki instead

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yknow sometimes im like “hey i’ll get some writing done here” and then this shit happens

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yeah you really fuckin went and did that huh

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#this is why i dont fucking write here

im not a fucking pussy

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SHUT THE FUCK UP

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i told you to stop interacting with me. i clearly said NO DOUBLES and have all might listed in my kin list.

I WAS ALL MIGHT KIN FIRST SO FUCK YOU

[vhsmeme]

* a kestrel for a knave prompts

a kestrel for a knave is a novel by barry hines. 

‘ it was just the way you told it, that’s all. ’

‘ because you’re scared, aren’t you? ’

‘ you’re a lone wolf now then? ’

‘ i wish you’d stop nagging. ’

‘ i don’t care, i’m not taking it. ’

‘ you were fast asleep on your feet. ’

‘ and how long have you had it? ’

‘ think i don’t know? ’ 

‘ found it. ’  

‘ you were asleep weren’t you? ’

‘ no, it’s more than that. ’

‘ what do you mean? ’ 

‘ and don’t be still up when i come in. ’

‘ you made up for it though, didn’t you? ’

‘ i wish you’d shut up. ’ 

‘ that hurts! ’

‘ but i’m not that bad. ’

‘ you think you’re just unlucky, then? ’

‘ i’m no good. ’

‘ there’s no need to jump down my throat. ’

‘ you’re not going anywhere ‘til you’ve got all that mud off and had a proper wash. ’ 

‘ who the hell are you anyway? ’

‘ how are things at home these days? ’

‘ i know some short cuts coming back. ’

‘ what are you trying to do, kill me? ’

‘ well, of all the rotten tricks! ’

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♡ + nightmares

     katsuki has had nightmares for a long,  long time,  specifically since izuku’s disappearance when he was in middle school.  they tend towards being abstracts instead of nightmares of actual memories,  and the feelings they cause linger when he wakes up,  with his nightmares about izuku having to do with things leaving,  things dying,  falling apart,  and an overwhelming sense of guilt.

     after the sludge monster incident,  he started to have nightmares caused by that as well,  with common elements being suffocation and / or drowning  &  the feeling of fear and the thought that he might die.  oftentimes elements of nightmares about izuku’s death and the sludge monster would meld into one abomination of a nightmare.  he’s been strangled by izuku in his nightmares before.

     kamino adds another layer of trauma and thus another layer of nightmares,  with the trauma of being kidnapped,  meeting AFO,  being forced into a fight with the league as all might fought by far the most terrifying villain katsuki had ever seen.     and seeing izuku again,  now a villain and far removed from the boy he knew growing up.  being unable to save him,  to bring him back home where he belonged.

     the theme of these nightmares is a lack of control,  being powerless,  being useless.  it,  unfortunately,  integrates seamlessly into the nightmares he had already been having for years,  and only worsens them.  what he had thought he’d learned to cope with came back worse than ever,  and as of now he’s in a state where he’s relearning how to deal with his nightmares.

♡ + headcanons   /   accepting

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Send me ♡ + a word, and I’ll write a headcanon.

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#WHY DID THAT CAPTION GO FOR MY THROAT

bc i aint a coward prince.

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     “  izuku.  “   his name burns your tongue,  a name forgotten by most but etched into your mind as your one big regret.   it carries a weight of what could have  /  should have been,  if you’d done more,  if you’d cared more,  if you’d been more.   you can still remember the name carved into a headstone,  and when someone who should be a ghost stands in front of you,  you can’t help but reach out without thinking.     “  i’ll save you.  “   /   NOFORFEIT,  an au bakugou katsuki,  written by sunny.

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bakusquad. (okay to reblog)

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chimeriac:

 you give him a long, long look. the grass, the solitude, seems inviting. and the company, you suppose. “sure.” the leaking mug is left abandoned as you turn- wonder if aizawa-sensei will get mad at you for sneaking out again- warm water forgotten in the light of some kind of solidarity. you won’t call it friendship- you’re not sure what it is, but it’s better than being alone.

 you click down the stairs, turn upwards to make sure bakugou is following (because you do want the company, despite everything, you do), and sprint down. no lift for you tonight. the claustrophobia reminds you of store cupboards and darkness, hand tied with rope (if you really want to get free, then you’ll burn your way out). the past is a closed space, and the future looks like one too. you’d like to live in the present, in the air, where your ice won’t spike any poor unsuspecting passerby. you reach the bottom (you ran, fast.) and wait, wait for bakugou to catch up.

     the look he gives out the window is caught easily,  and for a moment you think he’s going to turn down the offer.  you wouldn’t blame him---   aizawa - sensei never seemed to appreciate the need for fresh air,  the need to be outside and not feel trapped.  but that’s never stopped you before and even if he doesn’t go,  you fully intend to.  in the end,  it’s a bit of a relief when he agrees and moves to head down the stairs.

     you take the stairs two at a time,  moving almost as fast as he does,  jumping off the fourth step from the bottom and landing solidly at the bottom.  catching up is no problem,  and you even surge ahead to meet the door before he does,  all but throwing it open to breathe in crisp morning air.  holding it open is an afterthought that has you caught on the door by your fingertips,  just barely holding it as you shift slightly out of the way so he can follow you outside after.   “  ‘s nice out.  “

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i’ve been talking about it so here’s some big points on how katsuki’s personality is different in this big ol canon divergent au

-   he’s still the aggressive boy everyone knows and loves,  and very determined about what he wants and how he’ll get it.  he’s in therapy for bpd + ptsd stuff so he’s being taught ways to redirect aggression so it’s not aimed at other people.

-   fully capable of seeing what he’s done wrong in relation to other people but still terrible at actually apologizing to people.  he tries but it’s usually the most botched apology possible and he ends up just getting so embarrassed he gets mad again.

-   while he’s less aggressive towards other people   (  at least towards non - villains.  he’s still  INCREDIBLY  aggressive towards villains,  and that’ll probably never change  )   he still has moments of blowing up out of anger and saying some pretty nasty,  mean things to whoever set him off.  he tries to own up to blowing up later,  but once again,  it usually doesn’t go how he plans it to and he just gets angry about it.

-   guilt over deck’s disappearance drives a lot of his motivations and is why he actively tries not to be overly aggressive or mean to other people.  he thinks he’s the reason deck went missing   ( and in his eyes,  DIED )   and it’s a big looming fear that he could accidentally cause another person to go through that.