TRUE BEAUTY; TRUE TRAUMAS AND UNSETTLING REGRESSIONS
The anger, the anguish, and upset I feel from the last moments of episode 10 are unspeakable. I can not believe how flawed and disgusting some of the parents are in this show. And I’m not particularly eager to write when I’m emotional and entirely overtaken by anger and sadness, but I also wanted to address immediately because this essay isn’t about the love triangle. I couldn’t give a hoot about the love triangle; I don’t care what side people are on, because I think it’s ridiculous that, that’s what people came out of this week’s episodes and focusing on. Like really, we’re still doing this Suho vs Seojun nonsense, like make it make sense? Like no one is perfect, no one is a monster, all of them are just characters and yes Suho is problematic, Seojun also is, Jukyung this week was even more so, everybody likes to focus on their bias and forget that it’s not that deep, it’s okay to call out Suho on his mistakes but to sit there and fangirl about Seojun as the best hero boyfriend or whatever, when this episode had so much more depth to it, that’s ridiculous. Anyway everyone is free to have their own opinions, but I can’t believe that this tag is still full of Suho hate, absolutely absurd. Back to the actual focus of this essay, what can I say True Beauty has always been about PTSD, trauma and the pain and suffering of our main characters, how that has shaped them, changed their mindsets on themselves, hindered them from growth, love and happiness. In Episode 9 and 10 all our characters with masks apart from Seojun who just kept growing regressed and fell apart because of past reminders of their traumas. Let me explain more as we get into it.
First of all, one of the most critical vital themes of this episode is about Secrets, especially how secrets can cause disconcert, miscommunication and chaos. All of the characters hold some kind of secret from their respective partners, family, friends, etc., and in hiding these secrets, they lose their positive attributes because of how stressed they are by the secrets, how ashamed they feel from the secrets and how afraid they are about what the reveal of the secrets would cause. Most importantly, we see Suho, Soojin and Ju Kyung spiral into regression because of the consequences of their masks and secrets.
Ju Kyung: A flashback to the past
Truthfully I was very peeved of by Ju Kyung these two episodes, but I mean it’s evident that this was going to happen as mentioned before, Ju Kyung has severe PTSD from her past with bullying and suffering because the world made her feel inadequate and worthless because of what she lacks. Although Kyung ends up with someone who completely sees her for who she is, is supportive and by her side completely, Kyung can’t help but question this blessing as a curse. This is what self hate, and self-deprecation does, immediately she receives something good for her, Kyung starts to withdraw in fear because some part of her can’t believe she deserves to be happy and satisfied with Suho. Now, as I said, I was annoyed, but also I saw her reasons loud and clear and I understood them because I related to them as well. Let’s first look at the situation that occurs to cause her to spiral.
Her secret is that she’s dating Suho. Pause. Now at first she’s hesistant because of the fear of bullying and being noticed and being pushed into the spotlight because of his reputation. However, because of him being him, taking care of her, making her feel brave and loving herself (he does so much to show her she’s okay being her self), she decides she doesn’t care if the secret is out. Unfortunately for Kyung, another secret is revealed; Soojin her new best friend someone, who she’s so close to has feelings for Suho. In fact, she also has really fascinating and important reasons for why she believes Suho should be hers. Now, this is what truly causes Kyung’s trauma to appear again, and she becomes a mess of emotions because she has spiralled back into self-hate and self-deprecation. Let me explain.
In order to understand why Kyung’s trauma is actually more profound than it seems because it does feel quite dramatic and unimportant with the reveal of other people’s secrets and situations, her crying about Suho not understanding her and why she’s struggling seems really overdramatic and not needed. But let me take you back to episode 1, Kyung has been in this situation before, and this situation led her to want to take her life. Let’s review
In episode 1, Kyung was confident and happy in her self; she had a crush on a guy who made her smile, comfortable, and one of the people who paid attention to her and cared for her. Now this guy she had feelings for, as she confessed; she discovered he had feelings for another person, someone more prettier, popular and matched for him as people put it. This led to her confession with this guy bringing out the worst side of him; it led to her also losing her best friend who she relied on because she went to the popular girl out of fear, it led to her being taunted and broken by people making her feel like how dare she even think she could confess. You have to realise what they’re saying to her, one she’s not worth having a guy pay attention to her because of her looks, two she shouldn’t try even to get someone’s attention because the right person will find that person and they’ll realise their mistake in associating with her, three, friendship and people are fickle, and she’ll always be alone if she tries to do what she wants.
So back to our situation, Kyung has finally found a safe space. The beginning of episode 9 she reveals one of her secrets (part of her growth) to Soojin who completely protects and stays by her side. Soojin becomes the best friend she could ever have, she relies on her and is happy because of her. So she’s regained a new best friend, but also she’s found, love. A guy has thoroughly chosen to be with her despite her looks and whatnot (she thinks), this guy is a complete package, he’s a prince, he’s too good to be true, he protects, he’s warm, and he makes her feel safe. (Just like the other guy did), lastly, she’s also now found a place with her peers, she’s no longer looked down on, and everyone likes her. There’s a lot in her mind at stake if she chooses to reveal to Soojin the truth. It just makes her vulnerable, and it makes her more likely to lose everything, she finally regained by wearing her mask. It makes her return to that mindset in episode 1, where she felt she was worthless, and useless, a burden, and she should take her life. So her trauma is ingrained in her and causes her to spiral into self-doubt, fear, and hate just because she’s gone through this before.
Now the past situation made her feel one thing; people are fickle. No matter how much Suho is here for her and says he wants her, his love is fickle. It can change, he just needs to find the right person, the smarter person, the prettier person, the more affluent person who matches him. Soojin is that. But even more from what Soojin is saying to her, Suho is just exactly like how he is with Kyung. He’s protective, he’s apparently warm, and he goes out of his way to make Soojin feel safe when he doesn’t do that for anyone. In her head, he just hasn’t realised he wants her the same way he wants Kyung cause she makes him care. And we all know what happened when someone else found another opportunity where the girl of his dreams wanted him, the cruel words he said, the way he pushed her away, Kyung feels like Suho has every right to do the same because she feels like she’s not in his league. Because people; her mum, her bullies, her ex-friends, even strangers have made her feel like she’s not meant to be perfect for him because she’s dumb, ugly and has nothing to offer apart from makeup. And that’s just painful and heartbreaking. What is she to do in this situation, losing Soojin is already painful because that’s someone who she also holds in high regards in her life, someone who she depends on as a friend.
But it’s not just that. As I said, she believes people’s love and care for her is fickle. Actually, Soojin is proving her right without her knowing, Soojin isn’t being a good friend. She’s going behind the scenes to manipulate Kyung, making her feel listless knowing she’s dating Suho. But the issue is Soojin also knows her without her mask, her deepest fears, her deepest secret, she has a weapon if Kyung tells her she’s dating Suho. If Soojin switches, Kyung reverts back to her episode 1 self where the whole school sides with the popular girl, and she reveals the truth about how she looks without makeup. She loses not just her best friend but also her new safe space and she regresses back into the girl on the rooftop broken and exhausted of being alive.
And that’s the painful thing because the reason why Kyung believes people are on her side is because of her mask of makeup and beauty, Suho thinks he likes her because she is pretty with her makeup at least, Soojin became her friend because she felt she was different and prettier, and people in the school rate her high because she’s pretty. It’s all about how much her mask has helped her be reborn as she said to Selena. But because she knows her mask isn’t real, these people’s feelings, and loyalty, friendship also isn’t real, she has to keep up this facade to keep it accurate, and to stay in this lie she’s created as long as she’s safe, happy and able to walk around freely being her self. Something people refused her to do before because she had no right to be satisfied being ugly and dumb. So you see it’s actually genuinely traumatic and painful what she’s dealing with.
However, the painful thing about the fickleness of feelings is that Kyung has Suho and Suho has been in love with her and has been consistent with his care for her from the time he knew her without her mask. Since they were kids. Suho spent the whole episodes being grateful that he had her as his girlfriend, wanting to show her to the world, wanting to be with her, and Kyung’s need to keep secrets was pushing his feelings, and his fears and his worries aside because she was more focused on prevention and protection. Now Suho doesn’t care for other people or see other people the way he sees Kyung, for him Soojin is barging into his life without needing to be there, he told her this, but he doesn’t see it as a big issue to tell Kyung she’s there because she’s not important. But Seojun is important, Seojun has already told him how he feels for Kyung, and Kyung seems pretty reliant and close to Seojun who keeps crossing the line sometimes (like coming to her house and staying when her boyfriend is there, competing and what not) this is what causes him to get agitated and tell her the way he knows how.
He’s had no parental care, no training, no nurturing to know what’s wrong and right, he’s been forced to deal with his issues on his own, and he isolated himself from people, we can see he struggles with relationships, and he’s trying to navigate it. So it’s not okay for him to act possessive and controlling over who she should be with, but it also makes sense with his character when he doesn’t know how to show emotions appropriately, and he’s jealous and worried because she’s being happy and close with Seojun in one corner and avoiding his calls and him in the other. It doesn’t make sense. This is what I was peeved off at her for. Both Kyung and Suho are in the wrong in this situation, not just Suho.
Speaking of Suho, let’s talk about this episode, his secrets as Leo and the reveal of how Seoyeon got set up.
Suho; A memory of regrets
Now the frustrating thing about this situation is; I can’t fathom humans that do this, I can’t understand how cold and heartless someone can be that he drives someone to take their life, and he still acts nonchalant and cold about that person because he doesn’t care about rookies. Suho’s father is incredibly disgusting as a human, and I completely can’t stand him. The reveal that Seoyeon’s demise was because he wanted to cover up a dating scandal, his son’s best friend, who his son is literally suffering PTSD because he believed he was the reason his friend jumped. It’s so disgusting when you think about it. This episode does an excellent job in showing us how much Suho has struggled with emotions and life because of his father’s reputation, personality, and upbringing. And that’s why I don’t understand how people can come into this episode and come out with hate for Suho. Make it make sense.
The first thing episode 9 shows about Suho, which was actually foreshadowing the final conflict in episode 10 is his lack of a fatherly figure despite the fact he had a father. We see him interact with his father when he goes to have dinner with Soojin’s own disgusting family, and we realise this is all his father does for him. He makes little quips about why he and Suho can’t spend time together, and we all know Suho holds resentment at his father for cheating and sleeping with women, but also the trauma he had from dealing with paparazzi because of his father’s fame, and the fact his father was barely in his life to show him emotional support and care. This is even worse when you realise again why Seoyeon got set up because his father wanted to protect his reputation, to sleep with someone, and because he didn’t care about people’s emotions and wellbeing.
Now the only thing that helped him deal with his father at first was Seoyeon and Seojun; it’s making me cry again. The thing that got him through his tough upbringing was his friends, they brought purpose through music (another secret he’s Leo), they brought happiness and care through friendship, and they brought comfort through their presence. They were loyal, close, and ready to help each other no matter what. His father took that away from him. Not just took that away from him but broke his mindset about how he views himself, damaged his relationship and trust with people, and pulled him into a spiral of self hate and self deprecation and regrets because he set Seoyeon up. How messed up can someone be? It’s even worse because he knows he’s the reason why Suho lost his friend, and he still had the guts, the confidence, the heart to plagiarise the person he ruined’s song. Even not knowing that his son is the one he’s plagiarising from. His father took it all from him. He made Suho think he’s a burden, his reputation is a curse, and he’s doomed to be alone to protect people away from him. It’s funny because this is how Kyung also feels in her own regression. Both Suho and Kyung believe that they shouldn’t be worth interacting with people because they’re burdens and problematic for just being born. For Suho it’s being born into his family, for Kyung it’s being born with her looks and brains. It’s incredibly heartbreaking and frustrating.
That’s why it’s even more painful because episode 9, Suho gets to stay in a lie for a while with Kyung’s father staying with him, showing him the warmth, care and support he didn’t have with his father. That’s why we got that scene; it was to make you compare how different Suho’s father is to him, compared to a flawed father like Kyung who’s a headache but is also a good source of comfort and love. Suho finally got to feel that care that he was lacking. But still, Suho’s father’s coldness and heartlessness also shadow to let us know why Suho is the way he is when he has a go at Kyung and tells her to stop hanging out with Seojun; when he is posessive and protective over her without listening to what she’s saying. He hasn’t had a significant role model/ influence to look up to. He also became like his father on the surface and withdrawn from emotions because he doesn’t receive that. It’s honestly upsetting. I am so angry at Suho’s father.
But let’s talk about the regression. Suho finding out his father is the one who caused Seoyeon’s demise. First of all, just think about how much Suho has suffered the past ten episodes because of this issue, he’s had PTSD, actual PTSD, panic attacks, depression, anxiety, isolation, just because of this issue, because Seojun told him repeatedly he was the reason for why Seoyeon jumped. Because his reputation could not save Seoyeon, because he didn’t answer the phone because of his callousness and also because he fought with the very reason for why this happened; his father.
Seojun made Suho feel like he was a monster, and he was never going to be any different because his father was his father. And the thing is, this has been going for a long time, Seojun kept showing up in Suho’s life ensuring he never got to be happy (at the beginning not now), he never got to feel worthy of peace, love, friendship because of what he did to Seoyeon. In a way, if you actually think about Seojun’s role in Suho’s life for a while, he’s been like the bullys who ensured Kyung didn’t feel happy being her self the way she was because of how she looked. Now he’s not as bad because he’s not doing it purposely with that intention of psychological harm and breakdown, because he also doesn’t think Suho feels any guilt or issue with Seoyeon’s demise. But it’s pretty messed up that the person everyone is hailing to be this perfect specimen was literally playing the same roles as the bullies you claim to hate in Suho’s life.
Like I keep repeating all these characters are flawed, have made mistakes because they’re human, but the hate and the bias towards some of them is insane and makes no sense to me.
But now Suho has entirely as Kyung went back to a flash to the past, he’s spiralled again into self hate, self deprecation and trauma because he found out the truth. If he’s already been struggling with not answering the phone to help Seoyeon; imagine how much of a monster he’ll feel because it’s his dad who set Seoyeon up to fail. Imagine the pain and suffering, the self-hate, the same things Seojun kept telling him will keep repeating in his head, his reputation hurts people, his dad hurts people, and his lifestyle hurts people. He shouldn’t be loved, have friends, or have people around him because he doesn’t deserve that when they can end up like Seoyeon. All of his bottled down secret; self-hate is now released because the reason is connected to him from the start, it was his father. So Kyung and Suho found themselves with their masks unveiled, broken and scared and terrified about the consequences of choosing to be happy and free. Now, both of them hold this burden and weight making them feel like they don’t deserve to want to be happy, in love and confident in what they deserve because of what society has done to them. And that’s insane.
Soojin- A journey of a villain
Before I stop, we also need to speak about Soojin and her regression.
Her regression is very fascinating and upsetting. I have been on edge about her character, and it was excruciating to see her become manipulative, sly and a full second lead this episode. But what can I say. It was going to happen. Soojin’s secrets revealed this episode to Kyung is about the abuse she suffers, we also see a snippet again of her fathers sexist, heartless mindset about controlling her to ensure she makes the grades. We also see her regress back to hand washing and self-harm because of the news that Suho is dating Kyung. Now, her mindset in the last episodes have been noticing the warmth, and comfort Suho brings into her life. There’s no one else who sees her, knows her, and can protect her without her mask. Suho has known her for ten years. They’ve been each other’s support system to deal with their family, now for Suho, he cut the importance of her presence in his life because he pushed everyone away after, but for her, Suho has been a consistent person to rely on.
Kyung showing up and making Suho open and caring made her feel fear and anxiety that the only source of happiness and warmth was being taken away from her. Suho is the only thing that makes her breath, everything else is a mask that makes her feel suffocated, even her friendships; she’s not been her real self with them, she’s been a perfectionist. Even her revealing her truth to Kyung this episode wasn’t for friendship but for emotional manipulation, and it wasn’t right. Like Kyung, Soojin regresses because she’s afraid to go back to who she has to be without Suho’s presence, which is protection, warmth and care compared to her actual home, cold, harsh and volatile. She had to latch onto something to stay sane and to stop breaking down. Suho, unfortunately, is what she latched onto. And it is a regression on her part because Kyung is her best friend, she’s emotionally manipulating and hurting her best friend to make her self feel good and get what she wants.
Still, she’s not even getting what she wants because Suho isn’t going to pay attention to her apart from protecting her from her father as someone should do. Soojin has been a girls girl, supportive, protective, and kind to everyone she meets but now she’s regressed to being petty, conniving and mean to her own friends because she can’t lose her own safe space. Kyung regressed not to lose her safe space and for Soojin her safe space became Suho. Her regression is really unsettling because how far would she go to keep her safe space, and how far will she sacrifice Kyung’s wellbeing and emotions for her own gain. She’s dangerous because she knows Kyung’s secret, she can unload the truth about Kyung pettily and get some kind of one up on her, which is sad because she’s slowly regressing into those bullies that made Kyung’s life hell.
In fact, she shadows like I said the popular girl in episode 1, she wants to get her way, and she feels slighted by Kyung taking it away from her. Also her self esteem, her ego is being bruised because she’s meant to be the one for Suho as society keeps telling her, she’s the prettiest, the smartest, his equal, why would he choose Kyung who is so far not that close to her level in any way. These are the kind of thoughts that happens when trauma makes you regress. Whilst Suho and Kyung are regressing into self-hate, and self deprecation Soojins regression is the opposite direction, it’s regressing into self privilege and self-obsession, it’s unfortunate.
There’s so much more about this episode that we can discuss like I said everyone has a secret, but when it comes to these three, their secrets and unfortunate reveals causes them to spiral into a whirl of self-hate and pain, trauma and suffering. This has been building up for a while because their mindsets have been shaped and made this way because of all the hurts and attacks by society to them, not just society that affects them this way; with these three family affects them this way, Kyung’s mum, Suho’s dad, and Soojin’s dad their nonchalant, and cold attitudes towards their children cause them to feel unstable and worthless, and also friends also causes them to spiral this way, For Kyung, Soojin has brought back a lot of fear and anxiety about where her life is going, and Seojun’s past problematic actions have returned along with Suho’s guilt to make him also spiral into self-hate and regret. Kyung, Soojin’s best friend, has caused her to lose her safe space. These characters have been pushed into this by people they thought they could rely on, and that’s what painful.
Anyway, if anyone wants to know my opinions on this love triangle, I appreciate Seojun he’s a great second lead. Still, he’s not the one for Kyung or the right person as people keep trying to say, he and Suho are still equal on terms with who she should be with. The person she cares about is Suho; the person she loves/wants is Suho. She’s not thought of Seojun in that way so respect it. There is so much more going on in this show than this love triangle, so much more to discuss and fight for, each character is human and makes their mistakes, but they’re all so understandable and relatable, and the pain they suffer is just insane, the psychological trauma they all hold is too much to bare, and I really hope they find their way out of this. Because right now, Suho is not going to be okay, and Kyung is in danger of her past finding her. I’m scared for them so much. This stuff may seem overdramatic and chaotic but with trauma and pain, and self-hate and psychological distress, it’s not easy to overcome emotional abuse, trauma and mindsets that make you feel you’re not meant to be alive, and all these characters are going through that. And it’s so painful. Let’s hope we find a way out of this: love triangle or no love triangle.
