[nolongerinservice4]

lol he said he still doesn’t know.

Someone just put me out of my fucking misery.

[nolongerinservice4]

It’s super frustrating to see “looking for moots” “need moots” “need friends” but then they don’t interact at all

Unless it’s just me being a perpetual loser and they’re active with everyone else idk. But it sucks

[rottingmothposting]

🚫Pov:🚫

My subconscious trying to decide what (unhealthy) coping mechanism to do tonight

[nolongerinservice4]

OH💜

[nolongerinservice4]

Things with him are good he’s gonna stay

But I still want to ctb. I’m not sure when but I know everything else. But I don’t feel sad I feel like I’m soaking it all up. I feel very numb though. Idk who knows what will happen. But like I said it’s when not if. even if I’m 65 that’s always been the plan bc I don’t want to get old and be alone and in pain

[dxllycxrpse]

very skinny things will be happening in 2025 🧘🏻‍♀️

[butt3rfly-ana1]

‼️‼️‼️

[vryalone-blog]

[nolongerinservice4]

he played me a song today and said it was how he felt. 500 years cover. as soon as we got home zero interaction im confused

also. I dont want to be a maybe. I deserve more

[nolongerinservice4]

not that anyone cares or is likely even reading this but just in case I wanted to make a post checking in because I've been posting some morbid / concerning shit and I don't want anyone to have any stress about a dumb nameless faceless Tumblr user. again I know nobody does. but if it were a moot of mine id def worry. so hi im still kickin

[nolongerinservice4]

he says he loves me.

He cried tonight and said how much he loved me.

But sometimes I think he cries because he knows he’s going to go. He just doesn’t want to tell me yet. Lease isn’t up till July. So maybe he’s just waiting so the next like 7 months aren’t even worse. Guess we’ll see.

I’ve made peace with whatever happens. If he stays with me I’ll stay around a bit longer. If he doesn’t and I still feel this way (tired and uninterested) then I’ll call it there. I feel so much better than I used to tho. If I was the same person I was even 6 months ago I would have gone off the fucking deep end the day he told me any of the shit I know now. Feeling better and handling things well doesn’t mean I want to keep going tho. Again Not even in a sad way but like. For why. I don’t want kids. I don’t have any interest in meeting new people. Friends or romantically. I don’t want to find a new career or fucking go back to school. Jesus. I still have my job of course, but. Kinda need more than that. Sooo. And I don’t want to. No familial relationships bc they’re horrid to me.

Idk. Time will tell. Idc either way tbh. I’m gonna go the same way regardless it’s just when. And that’s fine by me. But I hate being on the fence and treated like a maybe.

[nolongerinservice4]

I hate my birthday. It was always overlooked. It was never my day. It was an inconvenience right after Christmas. I learned to abandon hope and excitement long ago

[nolongerinservice4]

23! wonder if I’ll see 24.

[nolongerinservice4]

Things are going well i think 🙂

[nolongerinservice4]

Eating nuggets and fries. I want to blow my brains out.

Not because of the food but that isn’t helping. I want him to want me. But I’m tired of waiting. But I don’t know what to do if I don’t have him. He is my best friend and I love him more than life. I have given up so much for him and have been so dedicated. God what a dumb fuck I am.

The thing that hurts the most is I called it. Before we even got together but were flirty and all that. Tbh even when we were friends! I said this multiple times. I told him the novelty wears off. And everyone ends up leaving. You will end up leaving. If you want to be in a relationship with me, please don’t just do what everyone else has. Of course he swore up and down he didn’t know how that could even be true and he said it was me or nobody. Well not anymore.

Worst part? I fuckin knew it and I feel so fucking stupid for ever believing I finally had someone who loved and cared for me the way I do for them.

Also right before Christmas and my bday (he knows holidays are really hard for me bc of family stuff and the same for my bday) was absolutely heartless. Making jokes about leaving me in the following days. Heartless. Saying “well I told you I was a bad person soooo” was so fucking cowardly. Yeah you ARE a bad person, but ultimately you’re trying to justify how fucked up your actions are by acting like you’re the fucking joker. Cringe. Hiding behind that title and refusing to do any introspection. Does that make sense? Idk.

Idk. I suppose I’m dumb for believe this bullshit in the first place. My best friend. The love of my life. Fucked me over just like every. Body. Else.

I want him to want me. I want to be with him. But I don’t want to be somewhere I’m not wanted and I can’t be the only one trying to “fix this”. That just means he can keep doing nothing in terms of our relationship and emotions. I can’t carry this anymore. I’m tired. I want him. I want him to want me. But I can’t keep doing this. I won’t beg. Not anymore. I’ve done that too many times. And he better not just be wasting my time with even giving me the illusion that things CAN be better. Why the fuck is this my perpetual reality? Abandonment. Pain. Loneliness. Disappointment.

It sucks man

[r4z0rberry-deactivated20251118]

Gonna throw up in this establishment i fear

[nolongerinservice4]

When the establishment is indeed my room daily at 9pm on the dot

things are gettin real risky. Zofran literally doesn’t even work anymore

[nolongerinservice4]

I think I’m ready to go soon.

I’ve already had my wishes written out for a long time. I recorded some vids tonight as well.

Not sure if I will for sure. Or when. If I do though I’ll make a post.

That’s all :)

[nolongerinservice4]

Food makes my stomach feel gross and being full is so uncomfy.

Finally. Back to my prime. Also it sounds so ick rn bc I already have a stomach ache.

[nolongerinservice4]

I don’t feel good. My Stomach hurts so bad. My heart and soul ache