one.four.three. i blog you.

I AM L. Struggling through my twenties- a decade of youthful experimentation. WHAT-ELS IS THERE TO TALK ABOUT? But if you want to talk about books or read my often biased reviews and senseless literally opinions we can talk here: http://flippedpagesinages.tumblr.com/. I also have an alterblog where I post my reblogs: http://another-els.tumblr.com/

[nolongerthis]

Currently Vol 1 Series of 2017

And lately, I stay up rewatching TV Series that have been stored in my drive. I am trying to get to know the person who used to enjoy these nights and maybe, a part of me can still relate to her. 

I have done a lot of restarting this year and a lot of recounting of the Currently posts that I can not keep a linear progress of the volumes anymore. But again, let’s start all over again. Isn’t re-staring such a beautiful privilege? A chance to get a clean slate after messing up with the previous one? So I hope you grant yourself this privilege as often as needed. Trust me, it makes you believe that you can be a better person and you can do better each time you allow yourself to get a clean sheet. And if you’re lucky, it becomes your truth.

There’s nothing really interesting going on in my life right now- I am so bored that I anticipate my quarter-life crisis. Thus, a Should Have Been Minor Setback in career building, I interpret it as “oh-im-in-my-quarter-life-crisis”, this is where I wallow in my insecurities. I have to overthink and overstay in this stage because this is a defining moment. Again, guys, let us stop romanticizing going through the quarter-life crisis. There is none! The truth is, we will always have an internal conflict that will bother us every now and then- but please, please, don’t overstay to make it grand.

Anyway.

Reading. I just finished The Circle by Dave Eggers for my August Read. Currently, I am trying to finish How to be Good which I started last July along with What the Dog Saw- one fiction and non-fiction to keep the balance with the reality and creativity.

Writing. I have been writing an offline journal. As a person, I usually forget my reasons, so maintaining a journal reminds me of my whys. Why I hate this person, why I don’t like this, why should I keep my rage- (wow, I still write like in High School)

Watching. No particular series, really. I hope to retain my interest to finish Mankind: The Story of Us though.

Thinking on how to end my dental expenses because my dentist has been suggesting a lot of procedures for my dental aesthetics. On a serious note, I’ve been overthinking about my choices in life then when I get tired of it, I just shove it out like the accumulated stuff under my table when I realize I need to use the surface.

Smelling. I bought an ointment in Thailand and since then, I have been addicted to it. So I smell like a Tita all the time.

Wishing I didn’t care much about what the other people think of me. But really, do they even devout brain space thinking about me?

Hoping to feel less sad.

Listening to Florence + The Machine on Spotify.

Wearing my current favorite shirt that has a print that reads “Yeezy for President”. I’ll probably wear this until it gets yellow-ish white.

Loving my newly rearranged room. I was the first one to disagree when parents said they have to rearrange my room to make space for the sofa bed. As always, I was proven wrong. When will I win and be the right one in the end?

Also, I am loving Gudak app- it is another photo app that turns your smart phones into an analog camera. It is really refreshing because you have to finish the film before it starts to develop the photos for 3 days. So it is making us relearn to wait for photos.

Wanting for someone to genuinely ask about how my day went.

Needing hope and positivity in all my recent life choices.

Feeling hopeful (or trying)

[nolongerthis]

Of Leaving and Coming Back

It’s been a month since I impulsively decided to dye my hair with a lighter than usual color. I remember being so desperate wanting the change to be tangible- a proof of my bravery, an evidence of my “luck” for being able to abandon something that could have been for something that I am not even sure of.

A month since I left.

I left because I need to. I left because I am young and this might only be the time that I may have the courage to flee. I have to let go because it feels like I was slowly losing myself by staying. I left because I wanted to show how hurt I was. I was so miserable, probably because of the lack of perspective.

But a month later.

I start to see my natural hair regrowing- a realization that whatever change initiated will sooner or later become normal. A month of adjusting, getting used to my choices in life, days when I wake up with doubts. A month later, I still couldn’t say I am happier but at least, I feel so much lighter. When in doubt, I take comfort in telling myself that everything is where it should be. 

I am writing this here so you, who chose to leave or whatever life decision you’ve fought for, won’t feel alone. and so that I can come back here and to myself and get a grip of whoever I am becoming~ 

[nolongerthis]

We are in a continuous process of weighing the importance of things before acting on it because there seems to be an insufficient time for everything.

writing this vs reading school paper

spending time with friends vs reading the book you’ve been dying to get your hands on

 organizing your closet vs renaming your files in a more sensible way

playing with your dog that you’ve ignored for the whole week because of tiring weekday life vs finding out what happened to Piper in episode 18 of Limitless

practicing yoga vs thinking about dyeing your hair

 finding passion vs clicking more hyperlinks in WWW

doing your regular self-loathing vs wallowing in self-pity

watching youtube tutorials on no makeup makeup vs computing bills

When did we become like this? An automated calculator of value?

I was so inspired by how the Super Achievers are being described as multihyphenated: artist / host/model / word warrior / entrepreneur / blogger / ambassador / champion / advocate / fighter / world changer / inspiration /  PERFECT Because for us, Jack of All Trade is the new King.

I always think: are they living in another world outside Manila because they seem not to waste time being stuck in traffic? Or don’t they ever watch TV series at all? Or don’t they have that desire to just scroll down their newsfeed endlessly and tirelessly? HOW DO THEY DO THAT? Well, obviously, they refrained from doing these things.

 But so far, my bio would say:

 Employee barely earning but at least struggling to get glimpse of fulfilment / graduate student who is not even sure of what she’s getting / occasional mother of Sonny D. Dog / poor at domestication / frustrated multihyphenate / traveller (through Parts Unknown) / easily swayed by hatred and envy / constantly broken-hearted

In my attempt to become a multihyphenate, I came across an article on preen saying:

 For us individuals who just want to ride along with the ebb and flow of life, I find it easier to try a lot of things in order to find out what you really want.

 That perhaps, I am not trying to become a multihyphenate at all—YET. I am trying to find out what I really want- or maybe I know what I want, I just don’t want to acknowledge it because this limbo is getting comfortable. Sure, I know, it would be a series of failure, but unless I get out from the comforts of where I am now ( which I think is a series of insignificant failures because of who I am as a person), I wouldn’t get the failure that would make me closer to what I am good at.

 In relation to not having enough time, I fell in love with Sarah Kay when she said:

Sometimes you will be searching for a cause to believe in and fight for, and you will worry that there is something wrong with you if you can’t find it. There isn’t. Sometimes you are busy dealing with the task at hand. Sometimes you are falling in love or taking care of yourself or writing papers, and you do not have time to build a temple or to find a temple you believe in. You are allowed this time. Or you may find it and believe in something immense that gives you purpose, but overwhelms you. You want to solve world hunger or fix global warming. You want to build the temple all by yourself, but you feel like your hands are too small. They are not. Lay some bricks. Other times, you will look for the job that feels fulfilling to you right now. You will want to be a necessary part of a project or a mission. You will focus on building the connections. There will be time for all these things.

She was also on point in Brief But Spectacular about spending time wondering if she should be somewhere else.

[kalesbug]

Trying to find something to motivate myself and I found this little line from Van Gogh

[nolongerthis]

Lately No. 1 s. 2016

In which I lost track of my Latelys so I am doing a counting do-over. (speaks how infrequent I do my Latelys series but I know, nobody cares that much)

Cordova, Cebu

Suspended Contentment

At the beginning of this year, I planned to enter a Contentment Challenge in which I will give up shopping for clothes (is that even possible), accessories, and things that are labeled “you don’t need this but it’s cute” for three months. But then, an office event came and I needed to add formal clothes in my wardrobe including stockings, makeup, and everything corporat-y. So that ends my contentment challenge story.

Ironically, since I came across the contentment challenge, the more that I desire to buy an avalanche of stuff: 

I want to buy Adidas superstar; 

even DM shoes that by virtue of being me, I won’t be able to wear eventually; 

a new bag;

luggage (what. this is random but part of me is saying YOU NEED THIS);

get a hair treatment (which I already did impulsively; Mom said “you just had your haircut last December!!!. Too late to realize that);  

Thermal clothes for winter and for future encounter with snow

Go to everywhere

A new hard drive

Wide lens

Instax

Random house decor (Oh my god, I am being a Mom now)

Get Sonny clothes and Yoda custom for more adorable Sonny photos

Buy Sonny a bed

And since January, I’ve been avoiding bookstores. So far, I am succeeding at this.

I could go on but then you might judge me by the things on my To Buy List. The only reason that is stopping me from giving in to these temptations is (you’ve guessed this probably) my financial capacity. Although lately, I’ve been spending beyond my means- my Dad’s card made that possible. Damn, so easy to just swipe and spend money that I don’t have because what are parents are for if they would insist you to pay them later~

And maybe, that’s the thing about contentment, you do not impose it to yourself. It will come...naturally, I guess. Though I’ll keep on trying on needing less, materially speaking. After all, needing a lot is somehow tiring. There should be a point in time where what you have is enough at the moment. 

Of Heartbreaks and the Lack Thereof

The pain of not having enough pain is still pain. (But don’t get this as “I am asking for it”)

Sure, I have reoccurring heartbreaks at work or (gosh, where else??). What I’m pertaining to is heartbreaks romantically speaking. Lately, my friends are getting into breakup season feels. As much as I want to be emphatic, I just can’t feel their pain- just because I lack firsthand experience. But yes, we could all relate to heartbreaks, maybe in different degrees. Yeah. Einstein would say, relativity.

 I also had a mild heartbreak last year but I eventually realized that I was just bored and that I really didn’t like the guy that much (or I did but I have given him too much credit) so it was quite easy for me to brush that off. (part of me is hoping that you’re reading this. Ha.) (another parenthesize note: there’s a sound of taint bitterness there, isn’t it?) Although, one of my friends told me that during one of my semi-drunken moments, I talked about “it”. And I know how shallow my heartbreak was but it didn’t stop me from obsessing about it last year. haha. 

Constant Non-Appearance at Home 

Lately, I went to Cebu and spend almost a week there. It’s for work so...there’s not much to tell. I just think that it is inappropriate to talk about work here. So in between documenting the areas in Cebu, I wanted to get stories of people even in passing. Also, I noticed that I’ve been getting a lot of landscape photos and there’s not much to tell except that obvious beauty of the place. For 2016, more on people, more stories.

Oversharing and Sorry, Not Sorry

So yeah, I spent half of the day talking about my Latelys which nobody would care. But I just want to put it here in behalf of my memory. Maybe, I would like to go back to them 10 years from now and tell myself “how could that be an issue?” and I would just laugh about it because I am already mature by that time.

[nolongerthis]

Short Notes for my 2016 Self

I have mentioned here over and over that 2015 has been a tough year for me. Looking back now, I guess, I grew 5cm wiser and 500g stronger even though $XX poorer.  Since we’ve been talking about heartaches, frustrations, and disappointments too often this year, let us move forward to a positive 2016 (even though it is a language that I am still not accustomed to use: positive) Here are 12 short notes for my 2016 self whom I’ll meet in a few hours.

1) Choose your starring moments wisely and accept that at other things you may be just a little ordinary 

2) The only way to win the game is to quit playing along. Besides, no one is fascinated by your constant irritation

3) Some things (a lot, actually) take time. Always choose the hard and long process even if it may sound impractical at first.

4) Don’t think that you are wasting time by choosing the hard and long process. It becomes a waste when you give so little of yourself to it.

5) Master your sleep the way you try to master your thoughts

6) Consistency X commitment = Discipline

7) Stop worrying about how much you matter.

8) “Ultimately it doesn’t matter what others think of you but what you think of yourself certainly does, and it takes time to build that level of confidence and ability to believe in yourself when nobody else does.”

 9) You always have a choice. All you need is to explore.

 10) Contentment (be happy with who you are) while finding ways to be more than enough

 11) “In a small, anonymous, monotonous every single days acts, remind yourself to be extraordinary”

12) Give it a Yes. There’s nothing wrong about admitting to yourself what you like.

Oh. 13) be in sync with the present. I still have few more hours to prepare my 2015 self to meet 2016. Bye for now.

*some of the notes were lifted from my favoorite pieces.

[nolongerthis]

Breaking (Waves) in Progress

Sabang Beach, Baler, Aurora

According to a book on Surface Waves, breaking occurs very rapidly and lasting only a fraction of the wave period. The collapse of the waves is driven, to a greater extent, by gravity and inertia of the moving water mass and, to a lesser extent, by hydrodynamic forces. But most of all, breaking occurs due to the dynamics of wave motion in water.

Therefore, processes leading to (wave)-breaking (n) can be compared to breaking (v).  Single breaking event pass through several distinct stages: the incipient breaking, developing breaking, subsiding breaking and lastly, the residual breaking.

A breaking event is generally initiated at some point of unconscious frequency of interaction. At first, you test the waters without the intention of submerging to it. This is where you try to understand passively the buoyancy forces and wind-wave momentum/energy exchange- the quirks, the quality of humour, the perspectives, the depth, and even the joy in shallow. After all, it feels like the sea is opening up itself to you. The initial feeling was incipient hope, you come confused because you’re not supposed to feel weirdly happy when you’re together. You know something has changed. You become more conscious to the height of the waves, velocity, periods, commas, and time interval of each conversation. You try to magnify what’s common between you even if it can’t be seen by the naked eyes. You tried denying it but then just like all the denying, it requires effort. Eventually, you give up and embrace the developing stage. You tried to induce the wind force that created stronger waves by believing that the gestures had underlying meanings- that it was there. You held on to the fact that every trough promises a crest (and vice-versa). Just when the wave begins to find its continuous surface, you realize that it is becoming difficult to sustain- thus the feeling of subsiding. Just like the literature of Breaking Waves, this stage has not received as much attention as the developing stage. Thus, it is not quite clear when exactly this stage starts. You’ll just know it. From the word itself, it doesn’t sound as exciting as the developing stage.

Then lastly, the residual stage. This is where the subsiding has been prolonged enough that practically announces its death. The wave has already lost the associated momentum and energy  to turbulence and mean currents. And even if there is interaction, you know that these are just residuals. 

Did you know that these are the stages of Breaking? Meaning, breaking is impending. Didn’t you know that? You knew, right? But you still chose to go through it. Now, take me back, take me back to the offshore.

No, you weren’t a series of crest and trough but of illusion and disillusion.

[nolongerthis]

Will We Ever Be?

In today’s frustrations and failures, will we ever be the great ones that we planned to be 10 years ago?

How did your 10-year-ago-self  picture yourself now? 

Mine? It’s embarrassingly (un)ambitious but one thing: it didn’t include an absurdly exhausting daily commute.

I was telling one of my friends that the most uncomfortable realization I had was when I thought that maybe I am bound to live an average life- and that to be a successful, rich, and famous  doctor  (because during your childhood, there were only three professions that you can dream to be: lawyer, doctor, engineer) that I wrote as my ambition in my elementary Yearbook was a relic of a bygone and false era of hopes and dreams. Though I gave up my dream of being a doctor somewhere between discovering that there is a wide-range of interesting person-that-I-can-become and failing my Bio class during High School, I didn’t stop believing that I can be successful, rich, and famous.

People tell you that as long as you work hard, it will pay off- not immediately but now, I doubt it’s eventuality. Nobody told me that hard work is difficult and heartbreaking. And even if you feel like you’re working hard, success can still be vague and lightyears away. It will drain you- you and your soul. As you fight it, you feel like you’re becoming less and less. Uncertainties will make you wonder if this is still for you. Hard work, after all, is not an assurance to realising your dream. Damn, it won’t even give you answers to your WHYs just so you can bear with the difficulties and challenges. The reality demands us to be Sisyphus- the absurd hero and a futile underworld labourer.

But then Hope is something you can never give up. Even when you stop hoping, you remain to be hopeful. Because how else can you go on without it? I, too, is in this tumultuous emptiness stage. I don’t know what to do, or even what to become or will I ever become. But let us be brave and remain hopeful. Let me tell you, you are brave. We need to believe it.

And to the great person that we will be.

This suspended animation is a precondition of realizing you-you, the great. And maybe the gap between your great self and your self today is yourself. Keep working to close the gap. If the universe demands us to be Sisyphus, then let us be Sisyphus if this is the price that must be paid for the passions of the earth.

For the rest, he knows himself to be the master of his days. At that subtle moment when man glances backward over his life, Sisyphus returning toward his rock, in that slight pivoting he contemplates that series of unrelated actions which become his fate, created by him, combined under his memory's eye and soon sealed by his death. Thus, convinced of the wholly human origin of all that is human, a blind man eager to see who knows that the night has no end, he is still on the go. The rock is still rolling.

I leave Sisyphus at the foot of the mountain! One always finds one's burden again. But Sisyphus teaches the higher fidelity that negates the gods and raises rocks. He too concludes that all is well. This universe henceforth without a master seems to him neither sterile nor futile. Each atom of that stone, each mineral flake of that night filled mountain, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.

Myth of Sisyphus, Albert Camus

[nolongerthis]

Currently II

Oslob, Cebu 2014.

Again, this Currently Series is from nothingspaces.com. It might be an excuse for me to tell you about my currents or just drop by here. My absence here means I am doing well, i believe, in life. I know that this year has been difficult for me- I’ve been through self-issues and self-doubts. Now, I find them a normal phase that I have to go through. Thanks to my friends who were (and still are) very understanding during the time when I don’t understand the world~ Along the way, I might have treated some people badly but I find comfort in the hope that in the future, I know what-not-to-dos already.

Aside from being pogi and mental and metaphorical boner and everything that constitutes perfection, I like Marcus Flutie the most when he said:

“Because I’ve learned that you can’t control what other people are going to think about you. The best you can do in life is not piss yourself off”

Now, back to currently.

Reading

Lately, I’ve been purchasing books even though it means poverty for months. It is the relentless itch to own every single good read. Currently, I am reading The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. It is actually my first Ayn Rand book. One of the greatest books that I read by far. It came to my life when I needed to be Roark- when I needed to be apathetic about people’s opinions. When I needed Dominique’s impersonal and cold attitude. Reading this book is a personal journey.

Writing

I am not writing anything. I am deliberately avoiding it because mediocrity. But I would like to write a letter someday to that boy who I saw crying in one corner in TriNoma. I’d like to tell him I was sorry for having no courage to ask him why. Or that guy who gave me wipes and alcohol and offered help when I had minor pedestrian accident because he sparked inspiration to be kind to strangers. Or that guy who rudely shouted in the street during rush hour.  

Listening

Spotify- Discover Weekly Playlist. But I have no particular song on repeat.

Thinking

of my bulging academic irresponsibility for the past weeks. I am losing motivation (or should I call this ~fire~) for grad school. 

Smelling

Urgh. the traffic tomorrow. After days in the province, I think Manila traffic is unbearable. I mean, GANITO NALANG BA TAYO? Despite numerous articles about MNL traffic, urging the authorities to act on it,  are we really doing something about it? I know that it requires time and long-term solutions but I think that no one has been crafting plans to solve it. Everyone is busy composing their campaign jingles. Who among them cares about the traffic now?

Watching

Any Jadine-related video. Also, obsessed with On the Wings of Love. Why can’t I watch Jadine 24 hours? On a different medium,  I am enjoying TheBookHoarder on YouTube. How can Dana overshares yet immensely entertaining? I guess, some people can do that without being annoying.

Hoping

that whatever peace and semi-security (because one can never be completely secured) that I have now will remain for the rest of the week, for the whole month of September, for the rest of 2015.

Wanting

to get away from work. or traffic, of city life.

Needing

More time. More time for books, for exercise, for school work, for syncing files and bookmarks, for unfaltering discussion of how nakakilig Jadine is with friends.

Feeling

Anxious. Because I am not doing my homework yet and I think that I wouldn't have time to do it other than at this moment. Instead, I am writing this. 

Sorry for wasting this cyberspace to tell you about these. :)) But my other self is telling me to be unapologetic. :)

[nolongerthis]

It’s Past Midnight

It’s past midnight and I am writing this even though in 3 hours, I need to wake up for work. I haven’t eaten dinner yet or maybe I won’t anymore. There must be something about being hungry and sleepy at the same time; of being still widely awake waiting for half-baked epiphanies so I could get through my mediocrity that makes me want to vomit words instead.

But I have been empty for too long as i scroll and scroll..

and scrolling…

and scrolling..

the pages that make my life feel emptier. It has been profoundly empty that breeding insecurity was the only way to fill it in.

It is the feeling of being in the middle yet out of the center.

[nolongerthis]

Lately No. 3

Believe me, before this post, I have been trying to compose something that could be worth reading.  Apparently, all I can think to share involves something about my life or its absence.  Aside from life, I lack  the inspiration even though I kept reminding myself that inspiration is for amateur. Obviously, I am an amateur by default but I need to to put something here- anything that can take shape no matter how irregular and dark that could be.

I am someone who responds to compliments with a disgusted “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”

Why couldn’t I just say a nice thank you? It is either I don’t trust people or I simply can’t believe that I am worthy of a compliment. On the other hand, I will try to remind myself to be generous with compliments because sometimes, no matter how empty a “kaya mo yan”, it might be able to calm a troubled heart.  

For months, I have been toying with the idea of leaving.

The thought of it gives me a surprising comfort and empowerment. The realization that I have a choice, that I don’t have to endure this; that perhaps, I have reached the end point and a healthy exit is inevitable. But again, where should I go? I couldn’t afford to stage an irresponsible exit- that overly romanticized “I am leaving so I could figure things out” because leaving requires an alternative destination. And in between these thoughts, I am scared because it seems like it could lead to self-destruction.

But i feel guilty for entertaining these thoughts whenever I’m hurt. As if this could be the perfect plot of revenge. I feel guilty and immature for whining endlessly at the injustice that I am not actually doing anything to reverse the situation. Deep in me, I know that there is something terribly wrong with me, too. It just happens that the system is also faulty that I tend to blame it all to the system. So self, I tell you, quit it. Act like a grown up woman. 

At midnight, I tell myself: Hang on and Grow Strong

We all have insecurities: why am I not good at this? why are my ideas seem so inferior compared to theirs? Sometimes, the world will make you feel like you are so small and irrelevant- that is why we do things to add value to ourselves to avoid these feelings. So that at the end of the day, we can tell ourselves: You Wait World, I will be Great. 

Insecurities make us human- they make us relatable because we all have it. In fact, I find people who put their insecurities out in the open beautiful. So self, amidst the insecurities, hang on and grow strong. You have to learn how to iron your heart~  

Mom, I’m a big girl now. :)

My grad school life has frequented with late night group “meetings” therefore higher chances of just hailing cabs in the middle of the night (which, to my parents perception, is the most dangerous act EVER. Insert: Facebook cab stories. Couldn’t blame them though). 

Facebook is a mechanism that lets parents monitor their children’s activities.  A photo of last night was posted on my wall, I received call from my Mom asking me how many bottles of beer i consumed last night, or if if I was drunk, or if one of those guys is my boyf. HAHA. But I’m old now, what is so wrong with sipping beer? or having a boyf.   

[nolongerthis]

If It isn’t Sunday

If it isn’t Sunday, I would...

Watch at least 10 TED videos on youtube

Arrange my clothes in my closet according to their color

Apparently, I would like to Skype some of my relatives or as immediate relatives as parents

Edit the HTML codes of my page (Nah, I would search for a done-format. I just wanna use HTML codes because it makes me sound like an extreme computer savvy)

Learn a word and try to use it in 10 sentences so I won’t forget it

Play with Sonny because he’s growing up and I want to be a good parent to him

Window shop online (because there are a lot of good stuff online!)

Write. Write on a paper using real ink. Write badly. Write feelings. Write poetry. Write about my travel in Korea, write about my Artventures because those are some of the experiences that I want to go back to

Sleep without having  to wake up with the feeling of “Oh gosh, I wasted XX hours sleeping”

Catch up with my reading list

Wander around WWW like my education depended on it

Cook good food then wash the dishes

(We are skipping #13 because they say it is bad luck) 

Try to be funny like what #13 attempted to do so

Read news sites because I want my opinions to be informative

Organize my files (digital and analog)

Memorize script of my favourite TV shows or favourite movie and rehearse it in front of the mirror

Edit photos or learn how to take great photos

Jog or learn tennis

Talk to Him (because I find it amusing how people could stay spiritually committed)

As we grow older, we might truly find things that we wanted to do but we lack the courage to pursue these because we feel like our limited time is meant for activities that will make us rich- things that earn money or even things that will eventually provide income, things that the society values. Because honestly, who cares about how many TED vids you have watched or how well you slept last night? The world only cares about what it can get from you. Write your project proposal, make a report on this, etc. What would you do if you don’t have to earn money? What would you do if you don’t have to succeed? (and of course, we have different definition of success)

We try to make a smart investment of our time because we always see Time as this passing thing- fleeting. We feel like we never have enough of it. We are haunted by the idea that if we defy our list of to dos and follow our list of things I enjoy doing, it would just be a huge waste of time. In a way, we always feel like Time is something we are against because we can't stop it.

But today is Sunday. 

[nolongerthis]

Let’s try again, April- THIS, no matter how this could be as cringeworthy as “Be good to me, April” posts.

My weekends along with my Vegetating Watching TV Series GPOY (wait, who else is still using GPOY?) , Burying My Nose in a Good Book Days, or Lying in Bed Inanimately have been robbed from me ever since I decided to go back to school. I constantly reminded myself “ginusto mo ‘to, panindigan mo” in the process and apparently, this has been effectively putting me back on track (or on the track that I believe is right). But then again, there will always be moments of “you don’t have to go through this”.

It was unfair to use that decision as an excuse for cancelling weekend dates with friends (not that I have A LOT of invites) or for not going home for months or for not having a plan to go home this holy week or for avoiding things that challenge me because THIS is already exhausting. Nothing else is to blame except my inability to find my balance about that tension between trying to be somebody, and being fine with who I actually am. To be clear, I caused this and how I am.

For April, I want to create more time for things that make me feel ALIVE, activities that send my muscles throbbing. I want to write furiously and eventually, beautifully. Even if sentences revolve around I, myself, mine, and then more I, I, I (because that is the only thing that I know to write about) which disgustingly proved that I am bursting with vanity no matter how I use this to generate epiphanies that my virtual life is trying to produce.

I hated that I spent half a year letting myself drown in an ocean of insecurities. I hated that I let some people made me feel less and not enough. I let them nurture a monster inside me. This isn’t me anymore or maybe I’ve always been like this, they just made me more real to myself.

They might try to convince you that you are small and meaningless. They might try to make you so afraid of losing what little you have that you grow inflated and insecure. They might make you fantasize about hurting them back. They might do things that don’t kill you but chafe in small ways, things that leave red raw patches on your heart.

 Still, I shouldn’t blame them because I caused this and how I am. But know, April, that I am letting this all go. Help me renew the compassion, integrity, and kindness that I have always asked from the person I am becoming.

[nolongerthis]

Currently.

I am completely stealing the entirety of this Currently idea from one of my web heroes, nothingspaces.com who actually copied it from siddathornton.

I have been staring at my blinking cursor for hours!! Perhaps, I am too desperate to get away from writing my intimidating 15-page paper that I would rather devote my time writing something that is completely about myself. Well, plainly because the source of data is readily available and disgustingly willing to divulge information.  HAHA. Do I hear you saying "how could you be so self-absorbed"?  

Reading

After Divergent, I've been picking books randomly from my shelf resulting to multiple current reads and potentially multiple reading homicide due to the anticipated proliferation of academic readings

State of Wonder by Anne Patchett

The Art of War by Sun Tzu

Introducing Freud: A Graphic Guide to the Father of Psychoanalysis

A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking

Writing

I am currently trying to make myself believe that practice is the key to develop a skill. I have this #writeEveryDay taken literally exercise where I write random lines through real ink in an actual paper and call this calligraphy. 

Listening

I have been playing I Wanna Get Better by The Bleachers infinitely to the point of annoyance. But, I wanna get better so... 

Also, listening to Ted Radio Hour podcast again. Today, I listened to the Have and Have Nots episode. In gist, the message of the episode is for the west to stop saving the rest of the world. Aid can only be successful if we stop looking at the beneficiaries as hungry mouths and helpless souls. Poverty alleviation starts with giving the poor a chance as human beings to be a greater part in determining their own destiny.

Thinking

About my 15-page paper, group meeting in Dampa tomorrow, research questions, and unconsciously plotting how to avoid all these. Again, I would like to remind myself "ginusto mo yan, panindigan mo"

Smelling

My new purchases which means I am also smelling a hellhole of debt.

Wishing

Wishing that the public will stop playing "Thinking Out Loud" in full volume because my brain is already puking every time I hear that song. Also, I wish that I have socially relevant opinion that I could write about instead of this. 

Hoping

Hoping that Monday will never come. Apparently, I haven't gotten over my Sunday syndrome even after more than a year in the workforce. And maybe, due to some cosmic force, I hope to go overseas this year. Although it has very infinitesimal chance. But such is HOPE.

Wanting

Wanting more time to do the stuff that I really enjoy doing. Although they might not count productive, I know that I would feel accomplished when I get to work on them. What is this universal shortage of time that we experience when we reach 20s? Someone asked me "Why do we feel that time has become lesser as we grow old when in fact, the number of hours in a day has been constant throughout history?" Well, I guess, it has something to do with assuming higher human functions.

Needing

Needing to rebuild and organize my bookmarks. I need to take advantage of this generation's online culture. Also, i need a dose of current events and reality.

Feeling

Currently, I can not pinpoint a singular feeling. I need another entry to account my pluralistic feelings. 

[nolongerthis]

Lately No. 2

It's just mid-February but it feels like mid-year already. This year, I said I'll try to write more or as plainly and ambitious as BE MORE. By injecting the word try, I already knew that I might not even try at all. But again, there are 300+ more days to say "next time, I'll try harder".  

And writing this would count as trying.

Trying to:

I'm trying not to try. Unfortunately, I need to admit that given my insufficiency and incompetence, I am the type who needs to struggle more to achieve something

Develop the ability to maintain homeostasis- work, grad school, social, and things that I enjoy doing (reading, calligraphy, gossiping, TV series, stalking, bathing Sonny, assuring myself that I am doing okay, etc.)

Get up from bed earlier than what I used to

Catch up with my age by being heavily intoxicated, induce heart breaks ( i had bazillion of heart breaks but unrelated to romantic love)

To do something about my humiliating lack of interest about so many things

Give up my "gusto ko, bibili ako" attitude. Honestly, since the start of the year, I am spending more than necessary. I have been relentlessly purchasing stuff that I thought (or convinced myself) would be essential to my life

Be current~ to have a stand on issues that have social relevance. Even if a part of me would argue " but...but my own problems are more real to me than terrorism

Listening to:

The first morning of 2015, I heard The Smiths' "Please let me, let me, let me get what I want this time. Lord knows it would be the first time". From then on,  I adopted this as my personal prayer. I don't know exactly what I am asking for but I just want to make sure that when I get to the realization of what it is, He will be there like a genie to grant it pronto. Yes. I have security issues. No matter how abstract this sounds now, I am hoping that it will soon come to fruition.

Also, just like everyone else, I drown myself to Spotify playlists because cool and easy (I don't think I have to elaborate more). I am also currently renewing my Taylor Swift devotion. I think I kinda abandoned her during her transition from Fearless to Red. Sorry Tay for leaving you, I just got real jealous with your boys. Now, please, please come back to Spotify

[nolongerthis]

Postcards from Slums

I wouldn’t say that poverty is something that is very strange and unfamiliar for me.  I, too, live in poverty. As a citizen of a third world country, it is almost impossible not to know poverty. Unless, you were raised in the privy comfort behind the isolated high towering gates of an exclusive village and your parents denied you even a tiny bit idea of how people (that isn’t your kind) live outside your guarded gates.

I’ve seen faces of poverty, in fact, I face poverty every day. It actually became a given reality, as ordinary as a default belief. The sidewalks of the metro growl hunger, the streets vehemently display child labor, the unemployment stinks along the corners.  However, my poverty is limited to the inconvenience of riding MRT, eating fastfood instead of specialty dishes at restaurants, cheaper alternatives, and the frustration of being not able to buy some things that I want. My poverty is an insult to the poverty in slums.

F*ck

Welcome

Camouflaging

Leisure. (I wanted to assure them that they are more than what they do. Or myself rather)

One of my professors in college once said that poverty is the lack of freedom. If you’re poor, you have few choices. Obviously, they don’t get to choose if their steak is rare, medium, or well done. I doubt if there is even a steak to decide upon but..well, you get my point.

Let’s play

Poverty is ugly, they say. But the smiles of these children suggest otherwise. Or maybe, they learned how to cope in such a young age.

The thing about poverty in this country is that it is viewed as societal normalcy, something that we can no longer change. Some people even resort to it-is-their-fault-that-they-are-poor just to ease the guilt. Poverty must be understood in context; beyond the grim setting, there are stories that needed to be heard to shake our apathy. Perhaps, our indifference or neglect is more horrifying and depressing than the environment in slums.

Slum Tour is a guided tour around slum areas. It is being handled and organized by Smokey Tour. The tour is Php750 per person, 2.5-3.5 hours. 100% of the profits of this tour goes to our beneficiary foundation, Bahay at Yaman ni San Martin de Porres, includes public transportation allowance - jeepney and pedicab/tricycle rides) Available Mondays-Sundays 9AM, for Private Tours you can choose start time between 7AM-1PM.

Slum Tour is an activity that induces sympathy for the poor with the hope that the sympathy transforms to empathy.

For more details visit: http://www.smokeytours.com/

*Portraits were taken with permission.

[nolongerthis]

LIFE REPORT 2014 EDITION

2014 was a pretty loaded year- or that's what I want to think in order to justify the constant overwhelming feeling that dragged me throughout the year. I tried to engage to myriad of activities (which is relatively few compared to the activities of an averagely sociable and normally self-driven person- making myriad an inappropriate word for it) that eventually, I failed to stay committed.

But let's go with optimism and hope that these events will lead me to a better 2015.

JANUARY

Pawikan in Montemar Beach Resort in Bataan

Birth month! not that it's a big deal. Birthdays ceased to matter at a certain age, I guess. I don't know about you but I'll be feeling 22 faaaarever!

We went to Morong, Bataan for Pawikans- which is part of my Pelagic Friends and Adventures.

I discovered Coffee Break, a podcast that offers a fresh take on social issues and current events hosted by Bianca G., Chely Esguerra, Lynn Pinugu and Anna Oposa,  through my sporadic pursuit of information about Atom A. See, Atom brings me to great (online) places

FEBRUARY  

Malapascua, Cebu

Oslob, Cebu

Still part of Pelagic Friends and Adventures. This project fortunately occupied the first quarter of my year so more of these in the next months

Because of this project, I can objectively say that "Philippines is such a beauteeeeful country"

MARCH

On a boat in a river under a starry night. Donsol, Bicol

Donsol-Ticao, Bicol is the best work-related trip by far!! I didn't even feel that it's work at all

I gave birth to Cruising Philippines brochure- I labored hard for it. It may not count as a huge accomplishment but I knew that I worked hard for it

 APRIL

Puning Hot Spring, Clark, Pampanga

For the sake of skills development and youthful experimentation, I attended Scribble Workshop

MAY- JUNE

Summit of Mt. Tapulao, Zambales

Sang “'Cause I’m on top of the world, eh, I’m on top of the worllllld, eh, been waiting on this for a while now” at the summit of Mt. Tapulao, Zambales. Took us 3 days to reach the summit which means 3 days of not taking a bath and mountain liiife. And it isn’t that bad at all.

Tried to control my impure imagination as Christian Bautista performed Unchained Melody in Ghost the Musical.  He had me at “I’ve huuuungered for your love”~

Joined World Activity Philippines. The thing is.. I just joined.

JULY-AUGUST

Saan man mapadpad, masaya pa rin. (Mt. Tapulao, Zambales)

As part of my social climbing scheme, went to Ayala Museum Inspire Every Day. But really, there was no climbing involved- socially speaking. After all, art galleries and museums are, as Fernando Zobel put it,  a “space that attempts to organize the memory of a spectator”

Braved the muddy trail of Mt. Tapulao in jeans and with my sneakers! With my favourite sneakers. HUHU. I never felt so inappropriately dressed

SEPTEMBER- NOVEMBER

Everland, South Korea

18- day disappearance as I prematurely shared here. I learned a lot about the Art of Fielding right on the field. It was exhausting yet very very enriching

Left work for a week for Korea. Because Work. Ipon. Travel. I’ll detail Korea trip in a separate entry because it deserves one

And since I left work, I had to face a mountainous load of work when I came back which I think is just fair because you can’t be enjoying all the time

First year anniversary at work. I had “Taga-UP ka diba?” moments; doubted my self-worth; went through appalling work blunders; gave in to Monster Insecurity because it is easier than trying to prove that I am OK and that I don’t need to be darkly insecure; and series of failed attempts to redeem myself. On the brighter side, my one year at work provided me paths to other human beings (even if some of them are not so human). It also involved a lot of packing and flying around the country (even if packing is my least favorite)

Went to Manila Art and METOpen which counted as Artventures, as Hya calls it.    

DECEMBER

A boy scavenging through a sea of garbage in Pasig River. As one of the tour participants accurately describe as poignant.

Joined Slum Tour organized by Smokey Tours for free! One thing that I learned this year is to always grab the chance to get something for free because...they are priceless!! HEHE. (Also: I need to tell you about Smokey Tours in another entry)

Picnic friends, repicnicking to reconnect. HAHA. The great thing about us is that our friendship is not defined by how frequent we see at talk to each other. We can always find the connection no matter how different we've become.   

When I started working, I told myself that I should be able to keep this job as day job and nothing more. Apparently, working requires you to dedicate a piece of yourself to it. I hate that work occupied most of the events that defined my 2014 but I think it is just normal because I am...(no matter how I look at it) now working. Thus, it has all the right to demand a huge part of my time. What I should not let this job do is suck my sense of self.