I haven't been here for a while.. so please excuse this verbal diarrhea..
Since 2016, around this time of the year, I'm reminded of the day I was given the green light to slowly wean off the meds. The day I was congratulated and praised for making a decision on my own accord to get better on my terms.
Yet since 2016, or perhaps even back in 2015, I've still questioned the kindness showed to me. I still find it hard to trust that people care for me just because they want to. Just because they actually like me and can tolerate my flaws. I still struggle to believe that people who knows me would still love me by choice. I still doubt, second guess, and seek to identify cracks in any relationship when someone does nice things for me.
I often keep these thoughts silent and hidden because I don't want to look like I'm trying to gain sympathy. I don't want to guilt people into caring. And I don't want to chase away those who have chosen to stick around for now.
I know that I have problems but I'm also slowly learning to not project that negativity into others.. to sit back and enjoy the love. It's hard but I'm trying. I'm tired but I'm still striving.
I'm forever grateful for my therapist who told me that recovery isn't always a 2 steps forward one step back process. There are times where you take 3 steps forward and then sprint a mile backwards. What matters is after that sprint, you try your very best to fight and move forward again, even if it's slow and painful and you don't feel like living.
And as Carrie Fisher would put it, there's a difference between not wanting to be alive and wanting to be dead.
So a shout out to you if you're suffering from mental illness or have a history of it. Today, I want you to just please hang in there. It is hard. But please hang in there.
And yea. Happy birthday to me.
