Nonconformist Parent

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Three Steps to a Calmer Christmas with Family and Friends

When we feel pressure to have our kids behave well, the stress can filter down.  Shuttled at breakneck speed from one event to the next with lots of toys, food, games, laughter, music, keeping clothes clean, posing for photos, saying thank you, sitting still at the table - often with unfamiliar people and expectations.   Fuelled on soft drink, lollies and chips, kids (and parents) spend the festive season in a state of high alert.  

As adults we recognise that there are different expectations in different family environments.  Some places we need to be quiet and respectful, while in others we can let loose and just have fun.  So how do you help your kids to understand these differences?

Before you arrive. When your family is invited into someone’s home, you are the tour guide for your children.  Set your kids up to succeed by discussing differences with them before you arrive.  Help them to understand why they should be respectful of beliefs that differ from their own.  If you are from a non-religious home, let them know that at Great Aunty Myrtle’s house they may have to sit through grace.  If you’re going out for dinner and your kids eat naked in front of the TV most nights, it might be a good idea to have a practice run sitting at the table wearing pants.

At the event. Let your hosts know that you have talked with the kids.  Ask if it is okay for the kids to ask questions, particularly about cultural and religious differences. If a problem arises, rather than confronting your kiddo straight away and making them feel like a goose, find a quiet, private space to talk.  Being told off in front of a large group of people can result in embarrassment, tears and tantrums – for parents and children alike.  Give them a secret signal so they can have a quiet chat with you about anything they don’t understand.  It can be overwhelming to be with a group of unfamiliar people and have new expectations thrown in on top of that.  

Afterwards. Debrief on the way home.  Talk about what happened and how it differed from your family’s traditions.  Ask the kids if they have any questions.

If the whole thing fills you with anxiety then it may be better to avoid altogether. Meet at a park.  Arrange to go over without the kids.  Talk about it with your family well before Christmas (you can discuss present giving then too).  Find a less stressful alternative. Remember, your kids are learning how to be in the world through watching you.  It really is sometimes better for everyone to find an a different way to celebrate.  Remember Christmas is about loving each other and spending fun time together.

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How to Avoid Being Crushed by Plastic This Christmas

I adore Christmas and yet every year there is a little seed of dread that grows inside me as the day gets closer.  The plastic avalanche approaches.  The day where my house gets invaded by new toys.  I hate the endless amount of containers and space I have to find to squirrel away things that I know I will just end up vacuuming.  Oh who am I kidding?  I never vacuum.

Our families are scattered far and wide and also seem to be ever-expanding.  More cousins, more nephews and nieces, more things to buy and more dinosaurs to stand on, more presents posted or flown in hand luggage or bought in a last second rush.  So how do you do it?  How do you encourage your family to adopt a more restrained present giving tradition without sounding like a complete Grinch?  

Navigating the process of redefining what gift-giving looks like for your extended family can be a delicate shuffle BUT taking measures early on in the year is a far better option than having beer fuelled discussions regarding the appropriateness of toy guns while presents are being unwrapped.  If you feel you have left your run too late for this year, take close notice of how everything works this Christmas.  Let everyone know you are thinking of other ways it could be managed.  The further out from Christmas, the easier the negotiations.  Our family usually has our “Pre-Christmas Planning Meeting, Meeting” somewhere around mid-year with a follow up “Christmas Planning Meeting” in October.  We like to hang out and eat food and sometimes we even remember to talk about Christmas. Rachel’s family (I suspect under the demands of Rachel the super-organiser) has things squared away by February (yes, that is TEN MONTHS before Christmas).

Mostly we talk about whose house is the best venue in terms of space to eat, air conditioning and swimming facilities.  Once that's decided, we move on to food.  We like to have the same discussion about having cold meat and salad instead of roast veggies with hot turkey, ham, pork and crackle every year.  Every year someone complains about the very THOUGHT of no roast potatoes being un-Christmas (usually me) so we decide to do a combination.  The same people generally bring the same things every year but we persist in having this conversation.  Then we talk about presents.  

If you feel you might cause waves by having “the talk”  there are a few things you can do to make your life a little easier.  Ring around and let people know you want to talk about Christmas. Catch up at someone’s house or a local park or, if you need it in writing, do it via email.  If you’re finding it a stretch to finance presents for 23 nieces and nephews, 7 couples, five grandparents and the one weird aunt that owns too many cats, now's your chance to say so.  Chances are other people feel the same.  Throw some suggestions out there and be open to what comes up.  Don’t go in tied to a strategy - the goal is to find something that works for everyone.  Worst case scenario you keep doing what you’ve always done.  

If your family is particularly “complicated” give that uncle or aunt a call.  You know the one - the peacemaker.  Talk with them and ask them to help you organise it. Christmas is about connection.  Keep focused.  Remember, if you do it early in the year, most of the dust will have settled by the time the red-faced, tummy like a bowl-full-of-jelly, bearded aunt rolls back into town.

Ideas for Extended Family Gift Giving

Here are a few ideas to get you started:  

Worst present competition (usually with a low dollar limit).  In our family we have a "12 month must display"  rule.  I've spent a year with a giant gold plastic waving cat on my dashboard.

Talk with close family friends about buying birthday presents for each person in the family rather than Christmas presents and agree to share a Christmas meal together instead.  Let your friends know you're not buying them anything, that's a sure way to stop them buying anything for you.

Just buy presents for children, not adults. Adults who think they are children can cope.  Nothing's stopping them going wild for their own personal Christmas.

Each family buys gifts for their own kids that can be delivered on behalf of everyone.  This way if one family has 17 kids and another has only 1, the smaller family are not badly out of pocket.  You can also make sure that the presents fit within your family's guidelines (ie no guns or toys that sing endless songs and can't be turned off). If you have families who don't have kids who still want to give presents to the children, let them.

Family Secret Santa.  This takes a wonderful someone to administer it.  Sometimes it's only for the kids, sometimes only the adults (while the kids get gifts from everyone) and sometimes everyone throws their hat into the ring.  The best way for it to work is first to agree on a budget.  Ask each person to write a short list of 3-5 things they might like to be given (If you're only getting one present, you want it to be something you actually want).  Put all the names into a hat and hand over the list when their name is drawn.  

Make only.  We have done several years of making presents only.  It is pretty fun and you get some crazy stuff.  Best for the pentathletes though because it definitely takes longer than dropping some cash on a lego set.

Choose a GIANT present like a trampoline, an expensive digital device, gaming station or a sand pit and ask everyone to contribute towards it.  One year my eldest boy got a leather reading armchair, while my younger boy got his very own backyard shed which was made by many helpers (dads, granddads, neighbours, friends).

The true value of gift giving is in learning gratitude both for what you receive and what you can give.  Reducing the amount of presents given allows you and your children to think more carefully about each person you are giving to.  Finding a way to reduce the stress and cost of Christmas helps you and your family focus on what's truly important at Christmas, connecting with others and making memories your family will cherish.

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The Lazy Parent’s Guide to Creating a Christmas Activities Advent Calendar

December is the best month of the year in our house.  Not because of the sweat dripping into my underpants in the 40 degree heat, but because December is when I pull out the Advent calendar.  Each morning we wake to our adorable children scratching each other's eyes out to open the envelope of the day.  Because our advent calendar isn't just a lame set of cardboard doors with pictures of Jesus*, no.  We have the always awesome Activities Advent.  

In the sense of "Come on in, the water's fine", we'd like to encourage you to join us in the Christmas madness!  At the very least, in years to come when your kids are in therapy you can say "Remember that year when I did something with you EVERY day in December?"  (Or alternatively you can say a similar thing to your own therapist next January.)  

You'll need 24 ideas, so to help you out, here's our rough guide to a month with the advent calendar:

Start the Christmas decorating, put the tree up, stick that creepy elf on the shelf and pour yourself a stiff drink, it's time to get started.

Write a letter to Santa.  If you have a good postal service, you may even get a reply all the way from the North Pole! (aka Heathwood Mail Distribution Centre QLD 4111)

Drive around to see the Christmas lights.  Tell the kids that the police only let certain houses have Christmas light displays and they've already told you no.

Visit a local pool.  We try to take so many children that we scare everyone else away (otherwise go early).

Bake Christmas goodies.  Bonus points if you let the kids help.

Have a slide show of the best photos you've taken in the year.  Photos of the kids are always popular with the kids.  

Sleepovers, preferably at someone else's house.

Give everyone super soakers and have a water fight.  Best at a house with a pool so you can push all the kids in at the end.

Family games night.  Organise a cocktail party at the same time.  You'll need alcohol to get through a game of Monopoly with a four year old.

Boss Day.  Each kid gets a day where they get to call the shots.  So it's ice cream for breakfast, movies then 56 hours at the park.  If you can subtly convince them to buy a new movie and sit at home watching it, you all win.

Make Christmas decorations.  This is how it goes: Get on Pinterest and check out all the amazing ideas made by Mothers Who Make Us All Feel Inadequate. Go on a craft shopping spree.  Watch the children chop up all the beautiful paper into thousands of tiny pieces and then stick their heads to the table.  Cry in a corner.

Catch public transport somewhere. Buses, ferries, trains they're all just like crack for kids.  Just bring a book and get on a loop service that takes you straight back home again.

Visit a local museum or gallery.  This is where future planning optimism can get the better of you.  Sure I'll take 17 kids to the art gallery in three months time!  No worries!  What the hell was I thinking.  It's days like these you need a few spare chocolates around the place so you can do a last minute replacement.  You just have to haul your arse out of bed before the kids or you'll turn into a pumpkin.  An art gallery visiting pumpkin.

Visit Santa. This guy is going to be crawling into your living room in the middle of the night in ten days, you should at least introduce yourself.

Treasure Hunt.  Send them off on a hunt but keep the prize to yourself for a while.  Once you've had a cup of tea and before the tears start, hide the prize and tell them to "Go and have a proper look!"

Watch Christmas movies. Good luck finding a Christmas movie that doesn't make you want to poke burnt sticks into your eyes.

Breakfast out before school.  Has the added bonus of avoiding the making of breakfast.  If you can, see if you can order their lunches too.  Unfortunately your child may be judged for taking a cold Big Mac to school.

Late night feast with hot chocolate in front of the tree.  Late night = 6.30pm.

Shop for a nice present for a child you don't know and put it under the gift tree in Kmart.  Please no loom bands, the kids you are helping have enough problems dealing with Tony Abbott.

Let the kids set up their beds in front of the tree one night.  Expect zero sleep until 10pm when you finally crack and march them all back to their real beds.

Buy or make presents for siblings.  Officially known in our house as the least favourite advent activity and often accompanied by howls of "What about me?"

Picnic (see 13.)

School Christmas concerts.  These are an unavoidable part of the December madness.  Our thoughts go out to those parents whose kids are in the upper grades of primary school and who have to sit through the performances of every other grade before they can grab their camp chair and their sausage on bread and run.

Christmas carols.  Otherwise known as the true purpose for noise cancelling headphones.

*Hey Mum, our cardboard advent calendar with the pictures of Jesus we had when we were kids was totally awesome!

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Choose Your Team for the Christmas Parenting Olympics

Christmas is a competition.  Always.  Even if you say you are opting out, you are lying.  We know it.  We have seen. If your kids are at school, as soon as Christmas rolls around you're competing in the Christmas Olympics.  You have no choice except to choose the race you run.

PENTATHLON

Heralding from ancient Greek for five (penta) and overachiever (thlon) the Parenting Pentathlete brings in the home-made dietary-requirement-fulfilling whatsies to the break-up.  They have the correct Christmas Concert costume and arrive on time. Right up until the final day of school their kid brings in their library/reading-folder/lunch on the scheduled days.  Their kids have hand-made and written a card to every child in the class. They have hand stitched a present for the class teacher. If you would like to see what one of these parents look like, they are easily distinguishable by their applique tshirt and flashing Christmas earrings. Hi-five to you, you Parenting Pentathlete!  

SPRINT

At the very last minute this parent will pick one thing and do it.  They may be up until midnight gluing google eyes onto reindeer-candy canes but they will get in, do that one thing fast and get out.  Their original plan was to do nothing but they took the bait last minute.  At the shops at five minutes to closing buying more coloured pipe cleaners, they will show up the next day, eye twitching and dishevelled, resembling a glitter encrusted footballer after a pub-crawl.  While outwardly complaining loudly, the Sprinter is quietly proud because they beat you.  They told you they weren’t going to do anything but here they are rocking up to school with their mini-hand-rolled-Christmas-puddings while you have $5 chips from the local fish and chip shop.

SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING

Hold your breath and dive in, this parent is all show.  Legs kicking, arms flapping the Synchronized Swimmers really don’t get much done but they sure as hell look busy doing it.  Their goal here is to look like they’ve got their shit together, hoping to pass as a Pentathlete.  There is a heap of movement going on below the surface but really they are just holding their breath, pegs on noses hoping to get out the other side of New Years without anyone noticing they haven't actually achieved anything.

EQUESTRIAN

They have direction, dedication and drive.  Everything looks smooth and polished. Compliment their cake however, and you will discover it was in fact made by the mother-in-law.  Inspired by the hand-drawn cards?  They got them from Etsy. That crocheted tea-cosy for the teacher? School fete. What frequently gets overlooked in Equestrian is - it’s the fucking horse doing all the work.  

CURLING

The Curling Champions are the quiet organisers of the school.  Not to be confused with the Pentathlete, the thing that differentiates the Curler is that they move through thankless tasks without a fuss. They arrange the class gift to the teacher while making sure there is tea and coffee for everyone to drink at the concert.  Props to all the Curlers out there.  Someone shoves something in your general direction and you try with furious determination to sweep that shit up.

ARMCHAIR COMMENTATOR

Always willing to offer some constructive criticism, the Armchair Commentator never participates in anything.  Ever.  They show up to eat cake, never bringing any but complaining it doesn’t meet healthy eating guidelines.  They spend an awful lot of energy poo-pooing all the other competitors for their diligence and effort, making snarky remarks about festive cheer. As a general rule, these guys are arseholes.  They never leave the carpark - except to exchange withering, eye rolling monologues through the window of another parent’s car - usually regarding the Pentathletes or Curlers.  If this is you, stop it now.

WOODEN SPOONERS

In a perpetual race to the bottom, the Wooden Spooners compete in what is fast becoming one of the main Christmas Parenting categories.  In a bid to show their rebellion against all things fun, the Wooden Spooners laugh in the face of anything that hints at any impending festivities.  They loudly proclaim disdain for lists and shopping centres, gift wrapping, tree decorating, pudding, stockings and Santa.  Wooden Spooners actually playing an annual game of chicken with Christmas. Running headlong at each other from about November, Christmas just keeps coming, never flinching.  The Grinchers however, slow to a crawl in early December and take a dive a week before Christmas, joining the rank and file of the Sprinters.  They can invariably be found in the toy store on the last night of trading looking for that thing they wished they had bought in the June sales.

So pick your field competitors, the opening ceremony begins soon.

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The Eight Types of Crying (that you don’t have to stand up for)

You're sitting comfortably watching the final episode of your favourite tv show and suddenly a cry goes up from the toy room.  How do you respond?  Is it a "Run to the child as fast as you can, without even putting on your fitbit" kind of cry, or is it one of the more common sneaky variety?  Once you have practice in identifying cries the number of times you have to stand up in a day can dramatically decrease.  Cries you can learn to ignore include:

The Cat-in-a-bag Meaning: I am mad. Keep reading.  Usually they resolve it on their own.  Occasionally though, it can progress into a Tassie Devil.

The Tassie Devil Meaning: Now I am really mad. This one is touch and go.  It's time to put down your phone and get ready to stand because once they've reached Tassie Devil they rarely de-escalate without intervention.  If you choose not to respond you can find yourself sharing a house with a Honeybadger.

The Honeybadger Meaning: I am really super mad. Unfortunately the high pitch and fervour of this cry means an immediate call to action unless you are comfortable with any other child in the crying child’s presence being permanently scarred.  If they're on their own, just shut the door and let them get on with it.  

The Goose Meaning: I have been slighted and I am really pissed off. This is the cry they throw out when they are not really sure what their response should be.  It is a favourite among toddlers who are just learning to play with other toddlers.  

The Dirty Rat Meaning: I am going to escalate this deliberately noisy cry until you come here as my sibling has hurt me and I very much wish for them to get in to trouble.   This one is a favourite in many houses.  It's a test of patience to see how long it can be continued.  Quite often the crying child will move gradually closer to you thinking you have not heard them for the first three minutes (see Flopping Fish).

The Fox Meaning: I have done something I think I am going to get in trouble for so I will cry in order to distract you from the broken rule/object/injured sibling.   It usually starts about 2.7 seconds after a loud crashing noise, a cat screeching and running past the doorway or another child running towards you with the gleeful expression of a dibber-dobber.

The Bower Bird Meaning: My toy/bit of string/bubble wrap/cardboard box/thing I want only because I now don’t have it has been removed from my near vicinity and even though I wasn’t playing with it I realise how much I want it now it has been taken from me and I wish for you to intervene on my behalf. This one is a battle of wills.  If you know the crying child will wait you out and keep it up until you respond, you can either finish your cup of tea/coffee while it is still hot or call the children in to you straight away.  Finishing the tea often results in the crying child picking up a nearby weapon and chasing the other child to you about 50% of the time (ie a win win situation).

The Flopping Fish Meaning: You have not done what I wanted you to do in a way that is acceptable to me. This is a progressive cry that gradually moves towards you and usually goes up and down in volume as they flop in your direction. Depending on how long you can wait this out, you have a 70% chance of the child forgetting what they were crying about in the first place.  Unfortunately that frustration can lead to a Honeybadger so judge wisely.  

Of course you can tell immediately when there is a genuine call to action.  A time you really need to intervene. I can tell with pin point accuracy what body part has been injured and the severity of the injury, just from a cry.  This is handy.   It means I only have to run when it involves the head, blood, breaks or severe injuries.

These other cries though?  I know why they are crying and I am not getting up.

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If my kids were cats, today I would drop them at the animal shelter

Our family has recently fallen into a rut that makes me feel like the worst parent in the world.  One of those ruts that makes you wish every time you are at the grocery store you could exchange your fighting, complaining kids for groceries.

My body feels tight and angry.  My head feels flushed and hot.  I’ve shouted and said stuff I wish I hadn’t.  Why can’t they just see what I need?  Why can’t they, just once, stop fighting, stop shouting at me and help out?

As a solo parent, it can get tough.  I’ve pretty much always parented the kids by myself (even when I was married - but that’s a whole other story).  I’m not a great one for asking for help and support.  I’m not sure that I know how, and in my head I can’t even conceive what that would look like.

There is one thing I do know though.  In those moments where I want to rage and be rescued and have someone support me, my kids want the same thing. On the days where I would happily trade them for the $2.65, pen lid and lint in my pocket, they feel it.  They feel it with their whole selves and it must be scary.

In households with more than one parent, there's more space for falling apart and having the pieces collected by someone else.  In my house, there is me.

I am their security.

And let me tell you, that takes something.

I have friends who have a rough day and they wait for their partner to get home so they can cry in the shower while the kids are fed and put to bed and when they get out there's a glass of wine waiting for them.

But I sit at the precipice of madness, wanting to cry and scream and set fire to the mass of laundry, worrying about the bills and the broken car, the incomplete homework and unpurchased Christmas presents, the bills and broken hot water system, just wishing the kids would just pick their god-damn shit up off the lounge room floor and unstack their levels of the dishwasher without shouting and fighting.  And I know they are shouting and fighting because of me.  Because I am shouty and fighty right now.  Because the whole house echoes my mood and there is no one to run me a bath and put the kids to bed, there is just me and some days it does feel like a job for two people.  Actually some days it feels like a job for ten people.  

While I want some time and space for myself and a troupe of magical cleaning, bill-paying fairies and to scream and tantrum like a toddler who has been given sandwiches cut in the wrong shape, at some point I will have to glue everything back together.

It isn’t about suppressing my feelings.  It isn’t even about me.  It is because I know that I am their security and even though it is the last thing on earth I want to do, I pull off my dress, grab both kids and run down to the pool in my undies.  We bomb dive and play tag and hug and chat.

And even though it is the last thing I want to do, it is the thing we need.  In those moments where I want to trade my kids for a gourmet degustation meal and a pristine hotel room with clean sheets, it takes everything I have to put aside all my own frustrations and anger and connect with them.  So if you come visit my house and there is a pile of laundry and no clean cups, it’s because some days we have needs far greater.

I say I do it because I know they need it but the truth is, it is probably a far greater gift to me.

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Moving from How Super Duper

Hi there!  We are so glad you made it over to our newest corner of the web..  Wondering how you ended up here?  We moved house and naturally, like an annoying mother-in-law, you followed us.  Go you!

Wondering why?

Now.... This is a story all about how Our blog got flipped-turned upside down And I'd like to take a minute Just sit right there We'll tell you how we became The Nonconformist Parent (It was too difficult to make it rhyme.)

When we started out we spent way too many hours thinking about potential blog names and not so many writing posts.  We knew what we wanted to do and say.  How do you find the perfect name, though?   It was like naming a baby except this baby had to have a .com and an @twitter and a Pinterest and an Instagram and Facebook and and and.  If you wonder what that might look like, please see our post on working timelines and insert random flicking back and forth of names and online shopping for like….hmmm…two months.  Eventually we got really sick of ourselves and decided to use How Super Duper because Rachel had an old blog by that name and already had all of the social media accounts for it.  Plus we were sick of our own procrastination.  As much as we’ve loved it, it never really spoke to who we were.

We've reached a point in time where we have decided we need a change.  We’d love your input on name selection.

What do you think suits us?

A)   The Nonconformist Parent B)    How Super Duper C)    I don’t really care as long as you keep writing posts D)    Who are you guys anyway?

So we counted up your votes* and we have made a new home here at The Nonconformist Parent!  We feel like it speaks much more to the ideas we want to convey and who we are.

*completely untrue - we've already decided