The Eight Types of Crying (that you don’t have to stand up for)
You're sitting comfortably watching the final episode of your favourite tv show and suddenly a cry goes up from the toy room. How do you respond? Is it a "Run to the child as fast as you can, without even putting on your fitbit" kind of cry, or is it one of the more common sneaky variety? Once you have practice in identifying cries the number of times you have to stand up in a day can dramatically decrease. Cries you can learn to ignore include:
The Cat-in-a-bag
Meaning: I am mad.
Keep reading. Usually they resolve it on their own. Occasionally though, it can progress into a Tassie Devil.
The Tassie Devil
Meaning: Now I am really mad.
This one is touch and go. It's time to put down your phone and get ready to stand because once they've reached Tassie Devil they rarely de-escalate without intervention. If you choose not to respond you can find yourself sharing a house with a Honeybadger.
The Honeybadger
Meaning: I am really super mad.
Unfortunately the high pitch and fervour of this cry means an immediate call to action unless you are comfortable with any other child in the crying child’s presence being permanently scarred. If they're on their own, just shut the door and let them get on with it.
The Goose
Meaning: I have been slighted and I am really pissed off.
This is the cry they throw out when they are not really sure what their response should be. It is a favourite among toddlers who are just learning to play with other toddlers.
The Dirty Rat
Meaning: I am going to escalate this deliberately noisy cry until you come here as my sibling has hurt me and I very much wish for them to get in to trouble.
This one is a favourite in many houses. It's a test of patience to see how long it can be continued. Quite often the crying child will move gradually closer to you thinking you have not heard them for the first three minutes (see Flopping Fish).
The Fox
Meaning: I have done something I think I am going to get in trouble for so I will cry in order to distract you from the broken rule/object/injured sibling.
It usually starts about 2.7 seconds after a loud crashing noise, a cat screeching and running past the doorway or another child running towards you with the gleeful expression of a dibber-dobber.
The Bower Bird
Meaning: My toy/bit of string/bubble wrap/cardboard box/thing I want only because I now don’t have it has been removed from my near vicinity and even though I wasn’t playing with it I realise how much I want it now it has been taken from me and I wish for you to intervene on my behalf.
This one is a battle of wills. If you know the crying child will wait you out and keep it up until you respond, you can either finish your cup of tea/coffee while it is still hot or call the children in to you straight away. Finishing the tea often results in the crying child picking up a nearby weapon and chasing the other child to you about 50% of the time (ie a win win situation).
The Flopping Fish
Meaning: You have not done what I wanted you to do in a way that is acceptable to me.
This is a progressive cry that gradually moves towards you and usually goes up and down in volume as they flop in your direction. Depending on how long you can wait this out, you have a 70% chance of the child forgetting what they were crying about in the first place. Unfortunately that frustration can lead to a Honeybadger so judge wisely.
Of course you can tell immediately when there is a genuine call to action. A time you really need to intervene. I can tell with pin point accuracy what body part has been injured and the severity of the injury, just from a cry. This is handy. It means I only have to run when it involves the head, blood, breaks or severe injuries.
These other cries though? I know why they are crying and I am not getting up.