sad and dumb

[nonfatmilkisacurse]

frustrated by the way i miss RI and the opportunities that seem to keep popping up there. i miss summer camp there and the kids i took care of. i miss sam and sabrina, and i haven’t been the greatest friend to any of my friends. i am so tired though and unable to respond to them. but they are moving on without me. i don’t regret the path my life has gone down but i can’t help but look across the fence at my life just a year ago. i can’t help but feel that i’m still so broken, so useless and ugly and unable to be touched. i am still so afraid. so afraid of losing control, and of everything changing. women are terrifying. 

[nonfatmilkisacurse]

i am tired of being sad i am tired of being afraid i am tired of feeling unloveable and ugly god just please help me feel better, please make me feel loved because i feel so hideous, like such a beast

[nonfatmilkisacurse]

what gets me is that i don’t feel good about my body. hers looks so much better than mine. and she looks so much more feminine than me without even trying. i like her masculinity, i like the androgyny, i’m okay with the femininity. but if she looks very femme when we have sex....it makes me think of being forced under a femme, forced to make her feel good. like...why can’t she just be boyishly girly? or a tomboy? i’m afraid of her being a femme. i’m okay with the feminine clothing just...i do like her being boyish. i don’t want to see her in hyper femme lingerie. why not just gender neutral stuff?

[nonfatmilkisacurse]

what hurts is never feeling good enough or beautiful enough. i know appearances and beauty aren’t everything, but...i don’t know. i feel like recently, in my relationship, i make so many compromises. i compromised us not having a ton of sex. i compromised my eating her out (which i do enjoy, but the point is i had a strict boundary), i am trying to compromise her being feminine...i know it’s not her fault that she didn’t know all this stuff about herself. i also know that she was trying to be selfless, and that she could argue that SHE was the one compromising. but it’s not really about her, i guess. it’s about my feeling like i have to be a certain way, and that she does too, for my life to be happy. it’s like my brain needs utmost certainty about the future for me to be able to enjoy the present. i never want a relationship like i had with micaela. i don’t want to be dominant or forced to top, and i don’t want to be with someone hyperfeminine. and my relationship now is NONE of those things. but i am so afraid it will become something different before i know it, that i’ll blink and everything will change. the issue is, i want to feel loved. and i do, and i know mads loves me...but the kind of love i need is SELF-LOVE. i need to feel loved by myself. i’m feeling never good enough and that’s because i don’t see myself as loveable. 

[nonfatmilkisacurse]

i wish it didn’t hurt so much. i wish i wasn’t wanting it. i wish i didn’t feel like it meant my pleasure didn’t matter. i wish it didn’t make me feel unsatisfied with the level of effort towards me. i wish things were different. i wish i didn’t feel like i did back then. i wish i could feel safe. i wish things wouldn’t change. i wish i could feel like the rug wasn’t constantly being pulled out from under me. i wish i felt safe doing it, felt safe, felt loved, felt like my pleasure still mattered, like i could still be a bottom. 

[nonfatmilkisacurse]

the more i learn about butch femme, about gender, about presentation, about her, the more i feel like i could have it all. like i could heal. like i could be a woman (diet woman anyway) in a way i want, and that she can be her, be feminine in a masc way and masculine in a fem way. like i could be more assertive in bed but still be confident that who i am is okay, and be assertive knowing that i don’t have to be the one doing the fucking. like i could enjoy her femininity and her womanhood and not be threatened or scared. 

don’t get me wrong. that black dress with the slits? it scares me how femme it is. and it scares me to think that i can’t ever appreciate it on her. but i feel like maybe i can get some distance from labels and not be terrified, feel like who i am and how i feel is OKAY and not a bad thing. like that i’m not being the worst by wanting to be the one being desired, the one who wants to be chased. 

[nonfatmilkisacurse]

what is wrong with me that my own girlfriend doesn’t find me sexually desirable?

first she lies to me abt being butch

then she says she’s not femme like me but then all the shit she wants to wear is what i want to wear

then she doesn’t tell me she doesn’t want sex, so i have to figure it out after already making a fool of myself

pathetic fucking em, thinking that someone could want her like she wants them. so fucking pathetic and hilarious for her to feel something like sexual desire. so fucking pathetic and lame and disgusting. 

and it hurts, because i see her and im sad and i want her to be honest with me, and i want a hug and want her to comfort me, but she did this! she caused this! i look at her and see how cool and wonderful she is and i don’t want to lose a moment with her, but clearly i don’t deserve this if i don’t even deserve the honesty of a no

and she loves lesbian media but her literal fucking girlfriend its a no no

why 

[nonfatmilkisacurse]

not sure how to cope besties,,,,,,

i hate lying. i do. and i hate when someone lies to me to try and get me to believe what i want to hear. because not only are you lying to me, you’re making a joke of who i am and what i feel. 

i don’t even know how to approach her now. how to compliment her. how to say if she’s attractive. because this entire time i’ve been enjoying her masculinity. but now i feel like that’s bad that i do. and i know i’m not micaela, and yet....i feel like i am. 

i don’t know how i’ll react to seeing her in a dress or skirt or lingerie. it’s not as attractive to me. i’m afraid of liking her femmeness. i’m afraid. so afraid. but i could learn to deal with that, learn how to deal with how it feels like a threat to me, threat to my own identity, if she dresses a little femme. that it’s okay. 

what i’m hurt is that she lied. and i understand why she did, and i have compassion for that. but i’m angry. and sad. and wanting to cut myself. or hurt myself in general. i could, and i could lie about it. but i wouldn’t because i don’t lie. i don’t. 

[nonfatmilkisacurse]

very anxious and worried about money......

my rent is going to come out which is 725, so i’ll be at just under or over 400...but then i need to pay my credit card bill, keep going to therapy, help pay gay + groceries, figure out how im going to pay rent for the next month, get textbooks (though i’m going to wait and see if i even need to purchase them/can access them online), figure out a loan for next semester so i can afford to set up a payment plan....this shit sucks dude. 

unfortunately it’s because of the dental bills. that sucks. and what sucks more is since my credit dropped, i’m going to have less access to loans and shit. i’m scared. i’m really scared. i already owe lena like 1400, and it makes me kind of want to hide.

but i also don’t want mads to feel like shit bc she couldn’t help her teeth hurting. unfortunately we just need to deal w this, but i can’t deal w the stress and helping someone else feel better. i know once i start working again it will be fine, and it’s not like lena is going to make me pay her back asap, i just hate this stress so much. and once i start working again we can start saving some money and making the apartment look nice. it’s just a LOT on my plate right now.

[nonfatmilkisacurse]

and like it shouldn’t make me upset! to know that she’s been with other people! that she’s desired other people! craved sex w other people! 

it’s just....for me, she is It. No one, in any way, is better than her. And that includes sex, which is a heavy, emotional topic for me. 

and to be honest, i wish i was her favorite. i want to know i’m the best she’s ever had. but i wouldn’t be surprised if i wasn’t even like top 10. 

and i don’t want to feel resentment, i don’t want to grow apart, for something that’s in me. that’s got to do with my bad self esteem and my insecurity. it’s just moments like this where i wish she would hug me, and tell me how important i am to her. tell me im hers, and no one else’s. that she loves me, that she finds me sexy and desirable and beautiful. 

why am i like this?

[nonfatmilkisacurse]

will i ever feel like im enough? because when i get down to it, it’s me and my issues, my problems, that make me feel like i’m not enough. like yeah, there are certain things mads does that hurt my feelings, but other stuff? other stuff just hits a nerve, not because it inherently is hurtful, but because i have the self esteem of a gopher. 

how do i start to feel like i’m loveable? that i’m valuable? that i don’t make everything worse or ruin everything? how do i make myself feel like it’s okay that she’s had other partners, that i can’t do certain sexual things (or want to), that she loves me? how do i feel like that? and not because she’s not doing things to make me feel loved, no, that’s not the case. the problem is that i just can’t trust that i’m worth loving. that i’m worth keeping around. and it hurts. it really hurts. 

and then what also sucks is that i feel like i’m running out of time? before my next period starts, before she loses interest, before she wants to fuck someone else, before her mood changes and she’s upset again...why am i like this? how do i get out of it? 

i know it’s linked to trauma somehow, but i don’t even know where to start addressing it.

[nonfatmilkisacurse]

i feel...weird. just not quite here, which i don’t like.

i felt bad about how i was yesterday morning, and then she came home and was angry...frustrated. stressed. i wasn’t sure really what to do, other than treat her gently. what else can you do, really? and then she cried in the shower. and despite what she says i feel like how i acted triggered that loneliness. that sadness.

and i woke up, and she seemed happy, okay. almost too affectionate. like she was trying to move past the tension, but that tension needs to be talked about. and i just look at her, and see such a wonderful person, a good person, and i just think about how i’ve hurt her. and i don’t even feel quite real, because i’m not really sure what to do or say. like, how do i deserve this? how do i deserve someone good to me?

add to the fact that im exhausted and kind of malnourished right now, and it’s quite the mix. i just...i’m tired. i want to sleep. i want to feel like things will be okay. i want to talk things out. i need a hug. not talking about arguments or emotional moments like that....it feels like im stuck in my head. i don’t know how to respond when she gets overly active like that, trying to move past the tension. i just need a hug. like, how do i get to have this affection and love when things were not good just 24 hours ago?

[nonfatmilkisacurse]

uh why do i have to fuck everything up? can i not thanks

[nonfatmilkisacurse]

never enough, never enough. 

never enough!

im not hungry, i am tired of it.

my body needs no nutrients, just attention, please. 

there gets to be a point when you are starving, when you no longer feel the hunger. 

what happens when it is your soul that hits that point?

[nonfatmilkisacurse]

i feel kind of headachy and tired and sleepy

which i did take my anxiety meds but im worried its the uti

and now i want to cry bc i want to have sex

i want the ability to have sex when i want to

and lately it feels like i don't have that control

i don't want to cry i don't want it to be october again

i can feel my tummy cramping rn

and it usually cramps at the end of my period but ahhhhhh

and it kinda hurts but i also know i was sore during sex

also sam can shut the fuck up i hate this girl she's the worst

anyway

i want to cry

what if i have another uti

i can't have it be october again i can't i can't i can't i can't i can't

OH and then sex being weird? what did i do that was weird or awkward? what did she think was going to ruin it over all for us?

[nonfatmilkisacurse]

me trying not to go feral: i am Ready to. cut arm . 

i want to cut 

ignore this i need to try the therapy exercise my therapist suggested:

what triggered me? realizing i have to go home tomorrow and that i only get the night with mads

how does it make me feel: like i’m not good enough. not loveable. i hate my body. i feel fat. i feel ugly. 

what didn’t help: her saying i can touch her butt too. because i’m not a good gf and don’t understand what kind of touch is okay and i’m afraid and you’re only loveable when you top

[nonfatmilkisacurse]

im so anxious i think im going to throw up

to start off with i didn’t cum this morning which is fine but i had to be honest when she asked and now like i don’t want her to be asking every time bc it’s ahhhhh

it’s hard for me to cum sometimes it takes time and so i don’t want her to be so focused on making me cum that she gets bored of me

and then i bled from her nails and now im afraid she won’t touch me

and i admitted i didn’t do therapy last week

and my hair is a bird’s nest

and then she had to rush out the door while i was doing therapy 

and then i asked her if she was mad at me and she said no

but she seems mad 

and the apartment we were looking at got rented and now she’s going to be upset understandably but my mom is coming and i don’t know what to do or what to say and i think im going to throw up throw up