Nonmotherhood

Quotes, findings, and journal entries from women through the years pertaining to the choice, thoughts, feelings, and long term effects of not having children.

[nonmotherhood]

hiking and nonmotherhood

11/7/17

Hiking and nonmotherhood

Last sunday I took a hike by myself in the foothills north of golden.  Clouds were low and heavy, the air was thick with water and magic and fall smells. I was warm enough but kept my hands in my sleeves. Rarely hiking without the dogs, I took my time and and let myself be romanced by the gentle movement in the faded grasses and leaves and the structure of each dying seed pod hanging onto it’s stems. It was too cold for much of a picnic, but I found a nice rock with orange and sage colored lichen and sat for a minute to eat my egg and biscuit. I like to pretend I am on a secret mission, fully prepared with survival and exploration tools and I try to keep my steps light and silent. Stopping often and doing a slow 360, seeing everything i can see.  The wind plays with my hair and i thank it for including me in it’s science and its secrets. I almost feel sad for the mountain bikers who jar  by while i step aside. Do they see what I see? Do they feel it? We are choosing to be in the same place but the reasons seem very different. How much love can you place into the ground with each step? How slow can I take my time in this place that is bigger than words. How much can I feel and let into me in this open space?

I think about my choice of not having children about everyday. Not because I am not sure, but because it is such a rebellious act, not becoming a mother, that your friends or the media will remind you about it everyday. People just don’t understand it; “why wouldn’t you want to have children?” On my hike I think came to understand my feelings even more. I think part of why I don’t envision myself as a mother is because of a disconnect with the american mom culture and the bigger idea of control and power. I identify with being a girl much more than a woman, and maybe it isn’t even a girl, but just a child in general. I don't mean the negative descriptors; “immature” “selfish” “hasn’t grown up yet”, I mean true and pure and innocent and curious and powerless in a way that is relating to respect for the earth, not having power or control over the world, in a loving zen way, in a, “who says I should have power over anything” way. Having children gives you a power over your creation. Having the power to instill rules and beleifs and a reality onto another person. I dont beleive i want or deserve such a power. If i ever were to have children, if i had to, I would want to do it in a communal rural (yet progressive and inclusive) setting, sharing parenting with many couples, sharing gardening out house duties and jobs, living with nature. That is the only way I would say yes to the opportunity my womb gives me. But in this post modern, post- truth, post trump world, I think the other route is what I am choosing.  I do not fear loneliness.  My womb is not vacant or sad but my heart cries for the world and the weight of all the polluting humans that crowd it's spaces. I will help the world more by not creating another human, but helping the ones that are already here.

- journal entry from LNR, 33

[nonmotherhood]

"When I was in my early 20s I didn't much ponder the question of whether I would become a mother or not; my mind was on so many other things. Somewhat later, I realized that I seemed to be genetically bereft of the maternal ignition switch that so many women I knew possessed. Although I could feel deep and genuine joy for my mother-friends, I honestly felt no physio-emotional drive to be one myself. No clock ticking, no teary longing, no swooning at the sight of palm-sized sneakers or pajamas in the form of dinosaurs or ducks, no head swiveling as a stroller passed by on the street. The only sensation I truly felt was relief, relief that no matter where I was, I could go home alone, or just be with my husband.

My husband and I divorced after almost 20 years together, but the children issue was not a factor. Although I'll always be sad about the separation, I'm also very grateful that children weren't additional casualties of the circumstances. My independence and freedom as a single woman has allowed me to hone my life to one that brings me tremendous love, joy, adventure, accomplishment, peace, diversity and satisfaction.” -anonymous

[nonmotherhood]

y mom says I told her at a very early age that I didn't want kids of my own. I've only had a few days of my life when I veered from that. When I was 31, my fiancé told me that there was absolutely no way he wanted to have kids. I immediately thought, ‘but what if I do?’ and it preoccupied my mind for the rest of the week. However, I soon confirmed that I still didn't want kids, and my brief stress was simply about wanting the decision to be mine, not anyone else's.

Aside from those few days, I've never doubted my choice, though other people do all the time. I've been told, ‘Oh, just have a baby—you'll love her when you meet her!’ and, ‘Don't you want someone to take care of you when you're old?’ These are not good reasons to bring human beings into the world. Nor are they conducive to raising children to be happy, healthy, and responsible members of society.

While some people look at me pityingly, I am thrilled with my life and my decision not to have children. I have choices so many of my friends and acquaintances don’t, because I don't have the financial and time obligations that result from having children. People say I’m selfish, but how is it selfish to not bring children into a world which already has plenty?" —Johanna R., 46

[nonmotherhood]

"I never had a strong urge to be a mother. Perhaps the reason is that I was the youngest of four children and had little experience with babies.  A decision point came when I married a man who, because of his troubled family history, was opposed to fathering a child. I honored that decision, as we both agreed that the world did not need another mouth to feed. That marriage lasted only three years, which only confirmed the wisdom of my decision.

Now, 72 years old, I have never regretted it. My career as a public school teacher and university administrator kept me in touch with the vitality of young people. In my personal life, I was able to support (emotionally and in some cases financially) friends who were raising children on their own. I have been able to work and to live in several countries other than the U.S. These life, career, and financial decisions were made easier by being childfree.

Seven decades of feminist activism have enabled us to challenge many long-accepted limiting roles for women. Crucial to this ongoing 'liberation' from a patriarchal system is control over one's reproductive decisions and increased opportunities to earn one's own living. I am grateful to our foremothers and to the brilliant activists and authors who made this possible in my lifetime. My hope is that current and future generations of women will defend and expand these rights." —Roberta C., 72