Dining here again, not at this specific food place, but in this spot. It reminded me of a certain season in my life.
It feels like it all happened ages ago— well, it has been 5 years or so since it happened. But memories came flashing back.
I remembered who I was during that time. I feel like a totally different person now. In a good way, I must say.
Yesterday, I had a dream and a friend was in it. Maybe incidents that happened a couple of days brought his memories to my subconscious mind— which then made its way to my dreams. He used to be one of my safe spaces because he truly listens.
In my dream, he told me how he felt about me. Romantically. We never crossed that line in real life. It’s not that the idea never crossed my mind. He was actually a happy crush that made me smile whenever I bump into him.
When we started hanging out, I immediately put that idea away. We were also involved with other people at that time. Not officially, but my naive mind won’t be able to process such nuances.
Our friendship actually became deeper when we had falling outs with our other relationships. He told me a secret and I kept it. I would go to him whenever I am overwhelmed with things at work or with my constant battle to let go of someone. We were each other’s confidante.
Sadly, when we started being in a relationship, I stopped hanging out with him. I just did not feel comfortable with the idea of it anymore.
It felt like our friendship that started when we were both in a dark place ended when we both got out of it.
When he was no longer around, there were days when I would look back at some memories and feel like something is amiss. It’s as if I didn’t care to understand some of his cryptic actions or words. I told myself back then that that wasn’t it. I didn’t want to put meaning to any of it.
A part of me miss him. It’s unfair. Because I feel like I just miss how he made me feel. He made me feel loved by listening to my stories that shouldn’t be of interest to him. By trying to make me laugh. By being there for me.
The last time I saw him was after a dungeon and dragons session (perhaps 2 years ago). We were both at the back of the car with a space in between us. His stop came before mine and he said goodbye. I said good bye too and felt its finality.
Of course, yesterday’s dream was just a figment of my imagination. Bringing meaning to my musings that may or may not be true. I learn to live with not knowing. Because that’s the only way to.
