‘twin fantasy’_hamzahthefantastic
summary: just when hamzah thought he finally had a solid situation with you, the overwhelming feelings of being loved for the first time catch you, drown you.
angst, internet situationship au, hamzah being himself, kinda codependency, awkward, avoidant attachment issues.
if hamzah could describe the feeling of loneliness mixed with whatever the fuck being in love meant in only one word, it would reduce simply to: you.
it was the way your eyes glitched when you blinked in front of your low quality web cam, or maybe how you typed when you were in a hurry, always reminding yourself to maybe, just maybe, type something nicer so he didn’t feel like he was the problem.
so, as he stares directly at his phone screen, his eyes itchy and irritated from waiting to see you online, he decides to quickly type something to catch your attention.
hamzahthefantastic: the other night i cried while thinking of having sex with you
and so he waits. and waits, and waits.
the green dot next to your contact name appears and he cringes at himself for letting out an audible shriek of excitement.
he smiles, shaking his head because yeah, it was for real, but also because he had gotten what he wanted. your attention.
hamzahthefantastic: lol. maybe. yeah. i dunno
hamzahthefantastic: wanna facetime?
y/n: hold on i’ll call you :)
silence. comforting moments between hazy stares and timid laughter. hamzah enjoyed this.
“your room is messy again, y/n” he mentions, peeking as much as he can from the position your webcam is in.
“yeah, i haven’t really got time to clean up… but yours is messy too!” you point, the camera glitches at your sudden loud voice.
“living alone kinda sucks, you know? at least i had my room clean when i lived with my parents, a warm plate of food too, and even allowance money!” he rolled his eyes, and you nodded.
hamzah and you had been friends ever since he lived with his parents, so you got to see the whole process of him moving to a different city, and you were there for him when he got his first place, and then his first job, and his first pets, and so on..
your heart wrenched when you realised you had lived a whole damn life by his side, however, behind a screen.
“wish i could live with you, hamzah..” you quietly say, hoping he doesn’t catch on, but he does, used to your quiet demeanour.
“me too, y/n.” a glitchy smile appears from his side of the screen, and you copy it.
and god, you love his smile. it’s so weird, so odd how the smile and physical happiness of someone that lives yet so far away from you can infect you with such joy. disgusting feelings arise from your stomach.
stupid fucking love and stupid fucking damned distance!
“for real? like, for ‘for real?” your voice shakes.
he nods with seriousness invading his face. “hell yeah, for real. i’d love to live with you, in fact, i do feel like i live with you even now, you know? we talk ever day, i see your face every- well, not every day, but enough to keep me going for the week!” he smiled, referring to those times you didn’t feel good enough to facetime, so he settled for texting, which made him equally happy.
“oh man…” you mutter. feelings enough, so damn enough. you don’t know what to do with your mind, and you don’t know why it’s racing so fast, imagining billions of scenarios.
he notices your manners. hamzah suddenly becomes self aware. scared he has said something wrong.
“i love you.” you quickly cut him off, its not your intention though, just the lag delaying your confession.
confession that has already been confessed plenty of times.
“hey! i love you too!” as his soul finds its way back into his body, hamzah admits. joy suddenly running through his body like gasoline and fire consuming a wreck.
silence. you look up to stare at his pixelated frame. and he’s so beautiful. and you think this is all a damn dream.
“but do you like me?” the undertone of your sore voice makes its way throughout your sentence, betraying you.
he tilts his head like a confused puppy. you bite back a tiny smile.
“what do you mean? why are you asking that? do you not think i like you?” hey asks, confused and aching for a quick response.
you think a bit, not even knowing what you meant by that stupid question.
“nevermind, hah! it’s nonsense, really…” you try to sound convincing.
for your misfortune, hamzah knows you way better than you think.
“not nonsense, something is bugging you and i can tell.” he adjusts his headphones as he says that, trying to get a better listen at your reply.
hamzah furrows his eyebrows at your quick answer.
“it bugs me that i am always thinking of you, that’s my issue, yeah?” you say, a bit more loose, “i always think about how amazing and how wonderful it wouldve been being your neighbour or your friend from school, but no, i am stuck here a thousand and a million more miles away from you and i can’t do anything to cut the distance short.” you sigh.
hamzah bites his lower lip, and he thinks, oh, how a thought you must have been saving for a long time also affects him in severe ways. he thinks the same.
“you know, y/n? i don’t think it was, you know, the amazing casualties of life that made us end up talking to each other until four in the fucking morning. you know what i think? that you were actually made for me.” he shrugs his shoulders and tries to put on a smile for you, even though he wishes he could just cry…or something.
“right.” you sigh. “hamzah, i just… i feel like my whole life revolves around you, is that weird? like, i wake up and see if you texted me while i was asleep. then i go about my day and still think about you, and then when you text me i just.. drop everything else to spend time with you.” you try to avoid the camera, or his gaze. “do you think that’s weird? am i weird?”
your face drops as he bursts out laughing.
“no! not weird at all, y/n! you see, i- okay, i do the same… you’re so pretty, inside and outside and you’re so thoughtful and so kind and beautiful and just… yourself, that i find myself thinking about you and your antics for hours, if not the whole day!” he lets out a deep sigh of satisfaction, shaking his head with a smile because letting all of his emotions out felt so fucking great.
“you’re so weird, so dumb…” you smile, even if you feel like your eyes are about to shed waterfalls of tears.
“we can be weird.” he adds. “it’s only cool if we’re both weird.” his voice is soft and low just like always. so genuine.
“right, yeah.” you smile too.
hamzah can’t help but secretly take a picture of your face, the dim lighting of your room accentuates your features perfectly and he finds himself more and more invested in you.
hamzah’s voice fills your ears in a soothing manner.
while you carefully listen, you can’t help but dissociate from reality. your mind occupied in something you can’t really comprehend.
“…a video, like in a youtube channel, do you think that’s a good idea?” his voice slowly becomes more present, and you snap your head to his direction. “are you there…?”
“yeah, sorry, just mind fog, hah!” you reply forcing a smile.
“alright, are you okay? have you eaten today? do you wanna end the call so you can sleep?” hamzah asks and you feel a little bit dizzy from all the questions that come out of his mouth.
“yeah- no! i am fine, what were you saying about a video on youtube?” you quickly try to bring the focus to him again.
hamzah frowns so quickly that you think it’s a glitch. but he smiles right away.
“i was saying, i was thinking about posting something on youtube.” he repeats. “you think that’s a good idea?” you come to realise how hamzah always asks for your opinion, always seeking your approval.
you nod. “yeah, i think it’d be really cool, maybe you’ll get famous one day!”
his laugh fills your heart, and makes you flash a smile too.
“nah, i don’t think so, it’ll be just for fun, just to kill time, i kinda need a distraction from thinking ‘bout you all day, right?” he says.
and what he said, keeps playing in your mind for a while.
and you try your best to keep track of the conversation, but you’ve been so tired.
not sleepy, somehow. just so, so fucking tired.
your surprised face comes up to the screen as this time he is wearing a grey hoodie, different from the black one he always uses.
“cute. you look like… well, something cute!” he says making the screen bigger so he can see you better.
“why?” you laugh, “something?”
“yeah, something. you know, you’re so unique i can’t even describe you or compare you to anything. i love you a lot, y/n…”
you think. the feeling of need inside your chest hurts and burns after every word he says. after every sentence. everything reminds you that he’s so far away, that you are probably never going to touch him. never feel him.
and the screen is so cold and so hard and so lifeless, and you wonder, how can something inanimate hold your biggest desire inside? how can hamzah live inside your device? how can it hold so much meaning inside its metallic shell?
“i love you.” you bluntly say. “i love you so much it hurts and i wish you could make it stop hurting so fucking bad.” a desperate laugh erupts from your throat, one that screams for help.
“oh, baby, i wish i could hold you so close. never gonna let you go once i have you here with me, alright? im gonna glue your body to mine and we will just have to live like that…” an exaggerated version of his deep fantasy came out, but still, he was very much serious.
“sounds good.” you reply.
“fuck yeah it does” he sighs, but not defeated, just full of hope. one of you had to be hopeful, right?
“fuck yeah…” you repeated, mind fog attacking you once again.
his grey hoodie on again, and you start to think he hasn’t washed it in the full week that has passed.
it’s alright though, you love him that way.
“i keep having these… dreams about you” he says. “odd dreams, not nightmares though, just weird dreams”
“me too.” you say. the guilt of the neediness inside your tummy makes its way to your brain. eating you up.
“what about?” hamzah asks, more invested now that he knows you dream about him too.
“you first.” you deadpan.
“fantasies. really fucking good fantasies, though.”
“sex and… whatnot.” oh. he’s so serious and so direct and so honest.
you can’t hide your surprise, nor the blush that creeps up to your cheeks.
“oh, i guess… me too.” and your voice shakes because it’s so odd to say this out loud.
“i don’t know. im so used to you, i just imagine whats like to… well, be with you. and touch you and just feel your body against mine.”
“sometimes i feel like i crave a touch i’ve never felt before. how can i yearn for something i have never tasted?” you ask, and he opens his eyes, already wide.
“need you, though. very badly.” a deep feeling of emptiness swallows you up. how can your bed be so empty yet you’re laying on it? how can hamzah be your twin fantasy yet he’s so far away?
“i wanna be inside you, just feel you and melt over your body and maybe then, i’ll feel complete.” hamzah has a hard time expressing his emotions with coherent thoughts, but this time you understand him completely.
it’s been minutes. and you are about to freaking win the contest. again. like the last four times.
hamzah’s eyes are red even over the bad quality camera he’s using. “y/n! please just let me win this time!” he begs, his eyes squinting. he struggles to keep them open.
and you’re perfectly fine, nonchalant even. but as you see his struggle, you give in.
you blink. tears fall down your cheeks from how dry your poor eyes were. you laugh.
“finally!” he celebrates. “oh god, thought i was going blind…”
“well, we’ve been on call for like five hours, the screen is gonna make us blind sooner than later” you laugh, and he does too.
“i just like talking to you.” he admits and you swear you can see a slight red tint adorning his face. he’s so adorable.
stupidly adorable. your heart aches.
that damned grey hoodie again. and you think, it’s the third consecutive time that week.
you, however, just despised the way he looked absolutely fucking stunning in it. as if he knew it did things to you.
“what are we?” you ask, breaking the comfortable silence that surrounded you both.
you tended to do assignments together on call, sometimes he knew things you didn’t and he helped you, and viceversa.
“i am hamzah, you’re y/n and you’re my everything.” he replied, still focusing on his excel sheet.
“but what are we?” a situationship. that was it. hamzah would constantly call you pet names and tell you how much he loves you, and then drop the most horny messages about you.
“we are everything, i just said”
“that’s not an answer, hamzah, what are we? like, are we best friends, friends, lovers, or just people who talk to each other about their deepest secrets and feelings?” you closed your powerpoint and stared at the webcam.
“you’re everything to me, right? all of the above, every option, you are.” he said, still focusing on his work but at the same time on you.
you nodded. a smile forming on your face.
your cheeks flushed at his words, you were a second away from turning your camera off from how embarrassed you were.
“you want- hamzah! you wanna what!?” you put a hand over your mouth in a surprised expression.
“i said i wanna fuck you, i just said!” he repeated himself, a smirk plastered on his face.
“why would you say that?” you laughed.
“because you were sad and i wanted to cheer you up!” he held his hands up in defence, his screen lagged at the sudden movement. “i’d rather have you happy than sad!”
“now im sad and flustered…” your hands went up to your cheeks, just to feel the warmth that spread across.
“hey, that’s better than sad alone.”
handling your emotions was something you never knew about. and hamzah seemed to be so down to earth about what he wanted, about what he felt, that you couldn’t help but feel left behind in the emotional management area.
“gonna call it a night, im really tired, hamzah.” you said, a yawn escaping your mouth.
“oww, but- but it’s only been three hours..” his big puppy eyes stare at you, and you beat yourself up when you look at his sad face.
“sorry…” you apologise. “we’ve been talking all week and i’ve been staying up till late the whole week too, we can chat during the day, though.”
he frowns but nods at the same time.
“fair, love you, have a good night!” he waves, waiting for you to say you love him back.
“good night, hamzah!” you smile, ready to end the call, but before you do so, he quickly yells;
“i said i love you…” his hopeful eyes dance across the screen, darting from your own to the smaller square with his face in it.
you pause for a moment. swallow and blink.
“oh, yeah, me too!” and there it was. your stupid feelings ruining everything.
his face drops, but somehow manages to keep a small smile. “alright, love you more, see you tomorrow?”
and as if it was a race, you rush to press the ‘end call’ button.
your head spinning had you dizzy, so you throw the phone away and lay on your bed. hamzah is all you can think about.
it was like a self defence thing that was, at the same time, self destructive. you had to run away from him, you had to stop your heart from being broken. though, you didn’t think hamzah could hurt you. it was all so confusing! so dumb!
early hours of the morning, and you are not even fully awake when your phone starts buzzing from the other side of the room.
you rub your sore eyes and groan. every time you woke up it felt like an accomplishment. it was such a struggle, you just wanted your bed to swallow you.
hamzahthefantastic: good morning :D
hamzahthefantastic: kinda went to sleep with a tiny little concern last night…..
hamzahthefantastic: are you mad at me?
the last thing you wanted was to make him upset, however, there was a certain part of his whole attention and sort of devotion –to you– that made you upset.
hamzahthefantastic: for real?
hamzahthefantastic: you seemed upset last night, kinda zoned out idk
hamzahthefantastic: alr it’s fine dw
hamzahthefantastic: i love you a lot y/n
hamzahthefantastic: have a good day today yeah? get some rest, make sure to eat PROPER food, and also don’t forget that i love you :)
you stared at his texts for a little too long, then locked your phone. then unlocked it again. stared some more and then bit your lip, thinking of a reply.
hamzah. yeah. you loved him! how could you not? you had been fixated on him since you two met. why, then, the feelings of overwhelming love now creeped into your brain like flesh eating amoeba?
you frowned. the text was so dry.
and the reason?, simple. hamzah’s love felt like it was tearing you apart. suffocating you. nobody had ever loved you, or showed remote interest in you like hamzah did.
was he too much? no. you shook your head, thinking then, maybe, you were not enough.
your phone buzzed, and you knew it was him. but you couldn’t get to check.
per usual, at the end of the day, your routine of facetiming had to be completed. hamzah took his phone and typed a message for you.
hamzahthefantastic: hey! wanna facetime?
hamzahthefantastic: could use to hear your voice :) been thinking ‘bout u all day
11 minutes passed. no response from you.
hamzahthefantastic: helloooooooo
hamzahthefantastic: :( are you there?
hamzahthefantastic: is it ok if i call you?
hamzahthefantastic: miss you y/n
hamzahthefantastic: did i do anything wrong? please call when u see this alr?
hamzah waited. and waited. and waited some more. almost how he waited for you to reply after sending a weird message. this time though, something inside his gut felt different.
it felt like he had fucked something up. ruined whatever the fuck he had going on with you. a something that meant so much, only so much to him.
waiting felt like skinning himself alive.
like trying to dissect his own heart while it was still beating. beating hard. beating for you.
he opened his chat with you, the only chat he had pinned. hamzah scrolled through all the unread messages he had sent to you, and they seemed uncountable.
no reply. it’s been days.
he sighed. twin fantasy feeling like a fantasy he was only living by himself all along. were you even real?
hamzah couldn’t get himself to doubt you.
hamzah’s heart clenched. he stared at his messy room, at how the plates piled up on his night table, at how he had your chat open on his laptop to see if you got online any time soon.
days became weeks. and weeks became a month. and a month was something so long in hamzah-time.
however, he decided to type out something for you again. just as he did daily.
hamzahthefantastic: hey y/n, hi. how’s everything going? you know, i miss you a lot. more than i can take. and i miss your voice and your face. and most importantly i miss your company. it’s okay, though. i am hoping one day we can reunite, i secretly know this is one of your plans to make me want you even more -_- …but baby, please just come back, yeah? i feel so weird and out of place if you’re not here. i wonder if you’re lonely and i wish i could touch you so i just touch my screen. does that make me a loser? i love you so much, i hope you know that. hurts when you don’t reply, and hurts more realising you probably never will again. please be okay. i love you a lot. and i am sort of tearing up right now, does that make me a loser too? ily
ps. thank you for being my best friend and my best everything (you’re literally my life though) i’ll wait as long as you need!
ps2. i’ll try tomorrow, maybe you’ll be online by then
ps3. i still fantasise about you!
silly, he thought. a loser, a hopeless romantic living so far away from his muse. just a twin flame dancing on his own, by now.
a twin fantasy lived through the eyes of one, only.
sorry i took so long and sorry this is proper shit. i wanted an excuse to write something other than fluff or smut. i hope you ppl like dis one! (my shitty take at angst) raise ur hand if this ever happened to u totally not based on a true story
