G-D, I'm so sick of this place @noosesurroundsme - Tumblr Blog

I'm so tired and hungry and I have room to have something small but looking at food is making my stomach turn.

I must not have been as far removed from my ed as I thought. Other than the night terrors, the extreme anxiety, and the anxiety induced stutter, I feel like I'm already back to my habits. It's only been a few days. It feels easy. It feels like nothing's changed. I'm body checking all the time. I find myself rubbing my collar bones and my hips at work to make sure they're still there. One really long hike is all it took. I don't know why I'm surprised. I didn't actively participate or work to alleviate my ed. I overworked myself but ate barely too much that it took 5 years to put 15lbs on, but in the back of my head I've always been missing being in the 90's.

I feel so empty and depressed after getting back home from California. I hiked to Fern Canyon in Redwood NP/SP. A 10 mile hike on it's own from the campground but adding the extra 2 miles from camp to the visitor center and the extra 2 from Fern Canyon and back to the Ocean. Overall was 15.6 miles.

I haven't felt that high from pushing my body to the point of exhaustion and crashing in such a long time. I didn't eat before the hike. I barely had water, but that was my mistake from not noticing the bottle was only 1/2 or 3/4 full when I started until I was well into the hike.

I know myself. I have, idk, an addiction to exercise. After the first time in treatment I started walking a lot. Running to the point my knees gave out. I can't explain that feeling. I crashed so hard on Tuesday when I got back to camp and slept for hours having only being able stand long enough to make myself Spanish rice before I couldn't stand anymore and went to bed at 4pm. I'd wake up every few hours puking bile and I'm scared because I want to feel that again and I don't know why. I'm sitting here crying. I thought I was doing better.

I have very little appetite and I have made it a rule the last few years to make myself eat even if I'm not hungry because I couldn't see people's disappointment or worry anymore. My bosses shouldn't have to text me when I'm off work to remind me to eat so to make sure I am not sick when I'm supposed to come back. And right now I don't care. I cut for the first time in probably well over a year, though I haven't kept track. I reeally thought about going to get my piece last night. It's so goddamned loud in my head. I can feel the weight of everything and I'm scared. But it felt so good to keep pushing it. After a while I knew what I was doing. I knew I should turn around but I needed to see it the hike through. I couldn't disappoint the voice in my head because it would never stop giving me grief for quitting. And it's a justification for sitting and driving 5,575 miles in 11 days.

I don't know what I'm saying anymore but I guess my ed never left despite me thinking I was doing better. It's not quiet in my head anymore.

Every day is more of a reminder that I'm not fit to be in public and around people. I cannot socialize or put what I need to say into words without being awful or hurting someone. I need to either find something else to do with my life that isn't around people or off myself. Be a Park Ranger and work for the forest service or spend two years running a light house. Idk.

I get along with mother nature, and animals. I can't empathize with people I guess but I don't need to with dogs. I feel emotions when I snuggle with or pet dogs, when I talk to animals. No judgment about stringing together the right words. I can actually cry. With people I get frustrated with myself and I can't until I get too hot and a few hours later when I've cooled off it might hit me. I'm a loner. I don't have friends. I'm abused and afraid and anxious because I fucking hate myself. When I work on a car alone I get a high from completing a task. When I hike in the woods, the wind blowing through the leaves, birds chirping, and little chipmunks scurrying through the grass I feel at peace. I hate that in this world we have to spend most of our lives being miserable because you need money to survive.

How could people vote for this or choose not to vote at all. This country makes me sick.

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i’m “why am i still alive” years old

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I’m sorry but homophobia and racism aren’t opinions

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And I’m not sorry

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i always have

abuzd

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Bullet to the head should do the trick.

I always feel like I don't belong. I'm not really good at anything. I try to be but I'm not. I'm not a likable person. I'm always alone. I really want to end things. Just drive off somewhere tomorrow and end it. I just worry about the house and my stuff. I'm the only one working right now so who's going to pay the bills. How could I make it so my mom could get my tax money and the last of my paychecks. I'm selfishly thinking about what happens to my stuff. I'm so tired of just going though the motions. I'm tired of trying to get ahead of things and constantly being shoved back 12 steps.

The car broke on my trip so I started ordering parts to fix it, but I realized how long it would take and how much it'll cost. I got something else to drive that I liked but it's way more neglected than I thought. I can't get ahead. The weather isn't helping. It's been below 30°F for the most part since Thanksgiving week. The good days we've had are when I'm working so I can't get anything done. When I'm off, it's raining or snowing or extremely fucking cold. I'm tired of it. I just want to drive away somewhere and stick the barrel in my mouth.

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i don’t want to ruin someone’s life by being in it

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sometimes remembering things just absolutely kills me

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i’m sorry i’m not ever enough.

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i’m suffocating in my own mind.

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G-D, I'm so sick of this place