hey killer.

Side blog for John Karna

[illuminatewords]

I never believed in love at first sight but for some reason, I felt something different when we first met. The more I got to know you, the more my feelings intensified. And when you smiled, I knew that I was in trouble.

I just hope that you’ll let me fall in your arms (via illuminatewords)

[nopainwithoutlove-blog]

with Camila around, the nightmares are less frequent. they are still there, but they are less often. i’ve been sleeping better too. i’m happy with her.

[nopainwithoutlove-blog]

"You're a thief Bex, you've stolen my heart."

[nopainwithoutlove-blog]

When the evening shadows and the stars appear, And there is no one there to dry your tears, I could hold you for a million years To make you feel my love.

[nopainwithoutlove-blog]

untitled - [ journal entry ]

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characters mentioned: john karna, bex taylor-klaus timestamp: july twenty fifth two-thousand sixteen. 9:20AM trigger warnings:    inspiration: - - -

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i have got to stop being so dependent on bex... one of these days she’s going to fall in love with some amazing girl and she’s not gonna be able to be there every time i can’t fall asleep or every time i have a nightmare. i know she says she will be, but it’s selfish of me to expect that from her. i shouldn’t expect that from her.

i should want her to go out and fall in love and be happy and have a family and a future and all of that.

but at the same time i don’t want to let her go.

i don’t want to give up my best friend.

i don’t want to lose her. 

ever.

[nopainwithoutlove-blog]

i still cant believe she’s gone...

[nopainwithoutlove-blog]

the ghost of you - [ self para ]

at the end of the world or the last thing I see you are never coming home never coming home ...

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characters mentioned: john karna,  judith karna.  timestamp: july eighteenth two-thousand sixteen. 10:15AM trigger warnings:  death mention. alcohol mention. blood.  inspiration: the ghost of you - my chemical romance  

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John had big plans for the day, well, not really “big” plans, but he decided that since Bex had headed out to spend the day with Carlson, he was going to go ahead and book their trip to Oklahoma. The male was happy that his best friend had decided to accompany him home. He hadn’t been home to visit his mother in months, the visits were always hard on the young man, seeing his mother sitting in a wheelchair or a hospital bed, her expression blank, no memories of him or anything but the place she was in. It would be a little easier knowing that his best friend would be there, he was going to need her. 

So as John began to scroll through seemingly endless lists of flights and hotel plans, he sipped at his coffee, running his hand through his messy bedhead. His eyes glanced over at the clock, 10:18, and yet the male was so tired, a soft yawn escaping his lips. 

“I’ve got to start getting more sleep.” He mumbled sleepily, rubbing his chin before he went back to scrolling through the flight plans on his screen. Every so often he would glance over at a framed picture to the side, a happy, radiantly beautiful woman holding two young boys her lap. “I’ll see you soon Mama.” He said quietly, a soft, sad sort of smile on his lips.

“RING! RING!” 

The sound of his cell phone caused John to snap out of his melancholy daydream, he picked it up, reading the screen. “The hospital? Hello?” he answered the call without another thought. 

“Yes, may I speak with John Karna?” A soft female voice was on the other end of the phone, she sounded professional, but there was something else in her voice, it sounded like sadness.”

“This is him.” 

“Hi, Mr. Karna, my name is Anne Darwin, I’m a nurse here at Grand Lake. Mr. Karna....I was your mother’s nurse... I.. I’m afraid I have some bad news.” John was shaking by the end of her sentence, he knew what was coming next, he had this nightmare many times already, but this time it was real...all too real. “Mr. Karna... your mother passed away this morning... her brain shut down completely... there was nothing that could be done. I’m so... so sorry.”

Some how John managed to keep himself together through the call, his family had made funeral arrangements when she’d gone into the hospital, this had been expected for a long time, but it didn’t hurt John any less. The last member of his little family was gone, he was truly alone. 

As soon as he hung up the phone, anger and hurt surged through him, anger at himself, why hadn’t he gone to see her sooner? She was gone now, and he wasn’t ever going to get the chance to tell her goodbye, to tell her how much he loved her, to hug her one last time. Without realizing what he’d done, his phone smashed against the wall, no doubt ruining the 600$ device, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything or anyone at that moment.

John had never been a drinker, because he’d seen what it had done to his father, but he kept liquor in the house for his friends. Without a second thought, he opened this cabinet, grabbing the closest bottle and twisting it open. The liquid burned as it slid down his throat, but John ignored the burn, just wanting to forget everything in that moment. 

He was so hurt, so angry with himself, he was an absolute mess. A surge of anger went through him and without a thought he pushed a stack of dishes off the counter, them landing on the floor with a loud crash. Glass after glass hit the wall, hit the floor, breaking and leaving glass everywhere. 

“Why did you leave me!?” He screamed, reaching up with his free hand, grabbing a fistful of his hair, tugging hard on the strands as he let out cry of pain. “You left me all alone...Mama...” He sobbed softly, rubbing his hand down his face, choking out a sob. “I’m s-so sorry...” 

He took another long hard drink of the whiskey in his hand, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. The lanky male had no alcohol tolerance, and he was already beginning to stumble as he walked into the living room of his small apartment. 

“I’m so fucking stupid!” He yelled, knocking photos off the wall in one swipe, kicking one of the small tables over knocking everything on it to the floor. The coffee table, his laptop, the couch, everything was disheveled and knocked to the ground in his fit of rage. There was glass, mess, ruin everywhere, but John didn’t care still, alcohol, rage, and pain were fueling the young man’s rampage, and he was no where near done. 

John stumbled into his bedroom, knocking, kicking, and pushing things over as he did. The male had his father’s temper, there was no denying that. It was showing as he began to wreck his bedroom, raging and throwing things around, screaming, crying, sobbing. He only stopped when he saw his reflection in the mirror. 

No. Not his reflection, he saw his father, he saw the same rage and anger his father had in his eyes that first time he’d hit John, and John hated seeing that in himself. 

“NO! I’M NOT YOU!” He yelled, balling his fist, and punching the reflection with full force, shattering the mirror. The male stepped back, his hand cut and bleeding, but it didn’t register to him. The now empty whiskey bottle hit the floor, and so did John, falling down and pulling his knees to his chest. The young man’s body quaked from sobs, and he trembled from weakness. Not to mention the blood dripping from his hand onto the floor underneath him. 

“I’m so sorry Mama...” 

[nopainwithoutlove-blog]

hurt - [ journal entry ]

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characters mentioned: john karna, bex taylor-klaus timestamp: july twelve seventh two-thousand sixteen. 10:15PM trigger warnings:  abuse mention. inspiration: - - - 

—

i don’t deserve her. 

i hurt her. again. and this time i didn’t think i was going to be able to stop. i just let my anger get the best of me, all the emotion i’ve bottled up over the past few weeks... it just exploded out of me. she set me off and i attacked her... 

tonight could have been bad, worse than it ended up being. i still feel like... if she wouldn’t have stopped me... i could have killed her...

hell... she could have killed me. 

bex is by no means weak. neither of us are. and when we snap it gets ugly. it’s not like tonight has been the first time... but this is one of the worse. 

i keep looking over at her, her wrists are already starting to bruise a bit, because of me. 

i keep thinking that.

it’s my fault.

i did that.

i’m no better than my father.

how could i have done that to someone i care so much about? someone who means so much to me. someone who has always been there for me...

 someone who i love...

unconditionally and completely...

how...

[disneygif]

[nopainwithoutlove-blog]

i miss my mama... 

[nopainwithoutlove-blog]

holding on to you.  [ journal entry ]

you are surrounding all my surroundings, sounding down the mountain range of my left-side brain, you are surrounding all my surroundings, twisting the kaleidoscope behind both of my eyes. 

---

characters mentioned: john karna, bex taylor-klaus, rosalyn taylor-klaus, adelaide murphy timestamp: july seventh two-thousand sixteen. 11:30AM. trigger warnings: rape mention, sex mention, abuse mention.  inspiration: holding on to you - twenty one pilots

---

And i'll be holding on to you...

hey, it’s been a while since i’ve written here. i know i used to write here often, several times a week at least. but things were finally getting better at least a little bit. not my nightmares, of course, they are still as strong as ever. the different thing is now i have someone who helps me chase them away. someone absolutely amazing, a best friend. 

but i lied to her today. god i felt so awful when i lied. but how was i supposed to tell her that her sister caused me to have a nightmare?

rose is such a sweet girl, she’s kind and beautiful, and i like when i can make her smile. even kissing her is nice. but i don’t know what to do..

she touched me the other day, a gentle stroke through my jeans, and i almost lost it. it felt like he was touching me again, i couldn’t tell her that, how was i supposed to tell her that her touch made me think of my abusive father?! instead i closed my eyes, i faked my way through it, just like i did with daddy.. 

how am i supposed to tell the girl that sex is a trigger to me? how am i supposed to tell her that its not my thing, that i don’t want it. especially since it seem like she likes it, a lot.

and then there’s bex. my beautiful, strong, bex. i’ve seen pain in her eyes, she’s afraid that if i’m with rosalyn, that everything is gonna change.

i fear the same thing.

rosalyn said it wouldn’t change anything, she says that now but how is she gonna react when i up and leave her to comfort her sister? cause bex is the one person in the world, who i would drop everything for. she’s my rock, everything, and i just feel like rose will never understand that feeling. eventually she will begin to get jealous and problems will start. 

then how will he react when she finds out what i did, how i killed my abusive, alcoholic father. sure the bastard deserved it, but i killed a man, a human person. not to mention that i attacked adelaide the other day. i could have killed her as well, strangled her right then and there, until bex intervened. i am a monster. i don’t deserve rose, or anyone. not even bex.

but she’s the one i can’t let go. 

i’m willing to lose anyone. 

but not bex. 

[nopainwithoutlove-blog]

i have no idea what to do. either way, I don’t know if any way this goes it will work out well. 

god john, you’re such a mess. 

[nopainwithoutlove-blog]

i really like rosalyn but what is she gonna do when she finds out how fucked up i am. 

[nopainwithoutlove-blog]

untitled - [ john k & addi ]

Characters: John Karna & Adelaide Murphy

When Bex asked John to look after Adelaide, he had to admit that it wasn't his idea of  a good evening. The pastel-haired girl still was't his favorite person, but Bex was, and he told the girl he would look after her friend. Of course, he had to, with what Bex was currently dealing with, her sister being in the hospital and all. He took the extra key Bex had given him, grabbed up the snacks he'd picked up for his and Rosalyn's gamefest, and headed over to the two girls' room. "Adelaide?" He knocked on the door before he opened it, seeing the pastel-haired girl curled up on the bed, coddling a bottle of Jack Daniels like her life depended on it. "God you're a damn mess." He said, joking but it probably didn't sound like it, in fact he knew it didn't when a large stuffed unicorn came whirling at his head, nailing him in the temple. "Shit Addi, what was that for?" He asked, shutting the door behind him. He walked inside, watching as the girl got up off her bed, probably to get the animal she'd just hurled at his head.  

"Ow!" John watched as the girl tripped over her own two feet, and landed on her face, and as much as he wanted to laugh, when he saw the girl's face and how sad...almost broken the girl looked, he stopped himself. Instead he reached down, helping the tiny framed girl to her feet. "Why did you trip me!!" Addi whined at him, childishly slapping his hands away as she held her whiskey bottle closer. "I didn't trip you Adelaide!" He retaliated, reaching out and yanking the bottle from her hands. "You're done with this, you're beyond the point of drunk." He said, setting the bottle aside before he looked at the now pouting girl. 

"Don't look at me like that, you've had enough. Now go get into your pajamas, you're drinking lots of water and going to bed." John felt like a parent scolding a child, especially as the girl pouted at him and sulked off to grab her pjs. He rolled his eyes, and once the girl had disappeared into the bathroom he turned the blankets down and kicked his shoes off. Then he grabbed a bottle of water and a chocolate bar from his bag, setting them on the beside table for her. As Adelaide walked out of the bathroom, he could tell that she had been crying, her eyes were red and puffy. John frowned a bit, walking over to her and ruffling her hair a bit. "Go drink that whole bottle of water, try to eat some of that chocolate." He said before he sat down in the big overstuffed chair in the room. 

He couldn't help but glance over at the girl every now and then, simply because the girl looked like she was going to burst into tears at any moment, in fact, he could hear the girl whimpering as she cuddled into her pillow, and when he saw her body shaking he knew she was crying. John let out a soft sigh, getting up out of the chair and climbing up to sit in the bed beside her. "Come here, I know you and I don't get along, but I can't stand to see a girl cry." Adelaide turned to look at him, wiping her eyes and nose with the back of her hand before she moved over to him.

"Don't get any fresh ideas, I like girls." She slurred, laying her head on his shoulder as he laid back. John placed an arm around her, rubbing her arm like he always did Bex, a soft comforting motion. "Yeah, well you aren't my type so don't worry Princess." He muttered, rolling his eyes. "Do you wanna talk about what's wrong?" He asked her, twisting a piece of her hair around his finger. Adelaide shook her head, closing her eyes. "No... just wanna sleep." She murmured, causing John to chuckle. It wasn't much longer until the girl was asleep, snoring and drooling on John's shoulder, and with a soft sigh, he carefully laid her down and tugged the blanket over her frame. "I hope you have better dreams than I do." He whispered, ruffling her hair a bit before he sat back down in his chair.  “Let’s hope I don’t fall asleep.” He said, “last thing I need is another nightmare...” 

[nopainwithoutlove-blog]

i don’t know what i would do without bex. shes’s my rock. 

[nopainwithoutlove-blog]

nightmares;; self para

I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress handful of anger, held in my chest 

trigger warning: abuse mention, rape mention, death. 

character mentions: bex taylor-klaus; 

The night was clear, stars could be seen against the night sky, there wasn’t a cloud to be seen over New Orleans, but there was a storm brewing in John Karna’s head. As the twenty-three year old laid in his hotel bed, arms folded behind his head, his mind was racing, plagued with memories of the past. Every time he closed his eyes, he would see his brother, his dead brother, covered in blood; or he would see his mother, lying in the hospital, comatose, unresponsive to the world. The two people he cared about most in the world, lost to him.  

Then he would see his father, the hurt in his eyes, and he’d watch as the man would down bottle after bottle of liquor, chugging the liquid down. John opened his eyes, gasping as he realized that he’d begun to doze off. He knew what happened when his father started drinking. The hitting, the kicking, the beating would begin. John couldn’t deal with reliving that, not now, not while he was alone in this hotel room. He sighed, picking up his phone and glancing through his contacts. He thought about calling Bex, but he didn’t want to bother his friend, not while she was off spending time with her sister. 

With another soft sigh, John laid back on the bed, once again closing his eyes. “Well this sucks.” He mumbled under his breath, shaking his head a bit. He knew it was only a matter of time before he would fall asleep and his seemingly endless nightmares would begin to play in his head. He would play through his father’s abuse, the rape, and eventually would replay his father’s death in cinema - style slow motion. He would remember what it was like to feel his father’s last breath and to realize what it was like for his abuse to be over. Of course, that would just be the beginning of his guilt-fueled insomnia and having to live with what he’d done. Another soft sigh passed John’s lips as he began to let his mind rest, deciding, ‘hey, might as well get this over with.” 

Seventeen year old John trembled as he laid in his bed, tugging his sheet over his skinny frame. The young man was covered in bruises and fresh red marks, the product of his father’s alcohol fueled rage. John couldn’t even remember what he did to set his old man off this time, probably a stupid comment or something. Whatever it was, it earned the teen a sore body and a messed up head, John hated his father at that moment, absolutely despised him, and something inside the seventeen year old snapped.

Instead of laying there, wrapped up in his bed, trying to sleep through the pain, John stood up, tugging his boxers back on, pulling a t-shirt over his small frame. He decided right then to confront his father, tell him that he wasn’t going to take the abuse any longer. He was going to call the police. He had his plan set, he knew exactly what he was going to say and do - until he saw his father, passed out in his recliner, half-naked, disgusting, and all that hatred rushed back to the teen’s head. John didn’t know what came over him in that instant, but he grabbed the decorative pillow from the couch - one of his mother’s homey touches - and held it over his slumbering father’s face.

His anger and hatred must have given the kid an adrenaline rush, because even as his father began to wake up, began to fight him, John continued to hold that pillow against his face. He felt a rush as he felt his father weakening, realized he was winning, and when the man finally fell still, John couldn’t help but feel triumph as he moved the pillow and looked at his father. But then it suddenly hit him, he’d just killed his father. A gasp fell from his lips, a sob choked out, and John fell to his knees crying. “Oh no... oh god no. What have I done?” 

“Dad!?” John woke up in a pool of his own sweat, his body shaking, mind reeling from the nightmare that had played inside his head. “O-oh f-fuck.” he murmured, rubbing his head, pushing his fingers through his sweat-drenched brown hair. He shook his head, catching his breath before he reached over and grabbed his phone, pushing call when he reached the number he was looking for. 

“Bex? I had another one...” 

[monochromevibe]

[nopainwithoutlove-blog]

the nightmares i’ve been having are getting worse, darker, more realistic. waking up drenched in sweat, shaking, scared that my dark secret is gonna be found out.