telling her I'm fine when I'm really curled up in bed, my chest is so tight I feel like I can't breathe, my body hurts, my head is pounding. I just want her to come home and hold me, but I won't ask...

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telling her I'm fine when I'm really curled up in bed, my chest is so tight I feel like I can't breathe, my body hurts, my head is pounding. I just want her to come home and hold me, but I won't ask...
i was so sure that i was 110% lesbian but hooking up with Jared has made me question everything. i didn’t know being with a guy could be like that, actually enjoyable, and now i’m laying in bed with him while my girlfriend is probably off hooking up with whoever.
what’s she going to think when she notices these cuts, the bruises?
does she even care?
part of me wants to apologize, part of me wants you to apologize. i haven’t talked to you since yesterday when we fought. i was just hurt and i overreacted...
why are you being like this to me.
why are you pushing me away? why are you trying so hard to break me?
i wanted you, i wanted all of you. but you didn’t want me.
now i think i’ve found someone to make me happy, someone who makes me smile and makes me feel good myself...
and now you’re pushing me away. you’re my best friend, why are you doing this??
a letter I'll never send.
I was thinking about the message I sent you earlier, not that one, but the sappy one. I realize that the message doesn't do justice to my feelings, I'm 99.87% sure you know just how I feel, I don't do too well of hiding it, not when I'm alone with you. you mean so much to me, hell, I was a goner from the day I met you. something about you drew me in, your smile, your laugh, the way that you greeted me, I was so nervous about working on the set, you gave me that bright smile, you made me feel welcome, you instantly became a part of my life. I wanted nothing more than to be your friend, and it wasn't long before you and I were close. You became my best friend, out of everyone you were the most special. I was a goner from the moment you kissed me. It was nothing more than a distraction for you, but it lit something inside me. It made me want to be more open with who I was, made me not wanna hide anymore. I opened up to you...you're the only person I've told my darkest secret to, and that's because I trust you, I trust you with everything. You're such a genuine, beautiful person, so honest. When you smile, it's the most amazing thing and I would do anything to make you smile. I know you aren't perfect, no one is perfect. You have your days, your moments when all I want to do is yell at you. You have your mood swings, your random bursts of energy, sometimes you're a fucking grumpy ass and others you're a ray of sunshine. I wouldn't change any of that. I know how you hate my "clinginess", my whining and always wanting you around. I know it's annoying, and I'm trying so hard to keep from being that person, I don't want to push you away. It's so hard sometimes. But I'm beginning to understand that you need your space sometimes. When you want to be alone, I'm not going to push you. When you need me, I'll be here for you. Even if it's just a random booty call, even if it's just a late night cuddle, whatever you need. I'll always be there for you. I love you, Bex Taylor-Klaus, and I know you may not ever feel the same thing for me. But I will always love you. Even if someone comes along and sweeps me off my feet, you will always have a piece of my heart. I'll probably never send this letter, you'll probably never read these words, but it feels a lot better writing them down and getting them out.
untitled - [ journal entry ]
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characters mentioned: john karna, bex taylor-klaus timestamp: july twenty fifth two-thousand sixteen. 9:20AM trigger warnings: inspiration: - - -
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[ whispers; ] I'm right here, I'm right in front of you and I care about you so much. I wish you could see how much you mean to me. I'm so crazy about you...