drrutherford:
‘You know, it’s really fucking easy for me to go against my family when I know they’re wrong…’ He flinches at that; he can’t help it. It’s never been easy for Gideon to do that, and yet it’s because of his own inability to follow through where it concerns his family’s faults that his morals so frequently indict him.
It’s not an easy thing to accept… It’s even less easy to admit it aloud.
Some defensive part of him wants to point out that she doesn’t understand; that it’s easier for Nora because her family doesn’t push against the rules as much as his does. That her siblings aren’t treading such murky, morally-grey waters as some of his own do — that she doesn’t understand how hard it is for him.
And yet, another voice answers his defenses, isn’t that when choosing morality matters the most?… When it’s hardest to follow?…
He follows Nora’s movements with his gaze. Watching as her grip trembles over the kettle when she pours hot water into his mug. He wants to take over, to help her, to tell her she doesn’t need to be making him tea — but he fails even at that. His spine feels rigid with guilt, his tongue weighed down with it. I’m sorry, his eyes say. I’m sorry I’m no better at this, I’m sorry I’ve made you suffer…
“I don’t condone how she announced herself… You’re right that it wasn’t cautious and that it was a spectacle.” The eldest brother admits, weariness threading through his voice. “But I know she didn’t do it to hurt us… She-… Lara loves us. She might not always do it the way we want, or show it the way we expect, but I know she does.”
His tone is both firm and pleading, both refusing to entertain the alternative, and begging his best friend to believe him. “I wish she’d announced it differently – or not at all – but I think she was so hurt by what happened, so bitter that it just… All she wanted to do was show them that it’d failed… Stick it to her naysayers.”
Even as he says so, he knows how childish it sounds as a motive. But for a girl who’d lived through no shortage of her own trauma, he wonders whether Lara would’ve been capable of resisting that vengeful, selfishly showy ‘Fuck You’; even if they’d tried to beg her not to go through with it. At this stage, he’ll never know.
Nora finally takes the seat across the table and he can’t help it; his hand reaches of its own accord in search of hers. He doesn’t know if she’ll allow the contact. All he knows is that his heart aches for the pain he’s caused her. “Maybe I should’ve fought her harder on that… I didn’t, and that’s my fault. Even if we had to keep the secret,” He still feels rather helplessly that they did, “ — it’s true that it didn’t have to come out that way. And I-… Nor, I take responsibility for that… I’m sorry.”
It’s true that she doesn’t have all the context, is working on lacking information and hearsay. Can’t quite fathom why anyone would want to hurt Lara Rutherford, even if she’d now wonder that the ‘can’t’ should be couldn’t. If she understood, even a little, it would change her entire perspective. If she cared less for Lara’s actual safety she might not be so critical. Might not have felt the loss before the punch. What she does know, however, is that she can not bear this aftermath. As much as she feels betrayed, her own trauma abused and dismissed- it terrifies her that her loved ones should feel powerless. Should sign up for one thing and be party to another. Spectacle not safety. That Gideon is, once again, defending himself while subject to judgment and loss.
Love isn’t a bartering chip. It’s free, It’s horrifying that Damon didn’t learn that when he should have. That Gideon went without after knowing it. That every one of them seems to feel they must earn their new shelter, this Rutherford name, this family above all else. Shut out every other type of love to ensure the one they think they owe.
She may be a fool for it, but she can’t ignore him when he asks for proof that there are more possibilities than debt and decisions made with sacrifice. Her fingerlengths curve against his, a loose loop so he is free instead of tangled. She hasn’t spoken at all.
“It’s not your fault, but it is your mistake.” One she’s sure he would make again. “I don’t know what I’d do if someone threatened Mills. We almost lost Cassie. And Damon. And Charlie. And if keeping quiet would have.. When Ethan’s... when it was delivered to me, I kept wondering how I could have prevented it. How to reverse time. Well you can’t predict the future or go back to the past, only do exactly as you do. I just.. You’ve long been my family, yet you wont let anyone else be yours. Not Charlie, not me. And I can’t tell if it’s Katherine or Rutherford. I can’t tell if everyone outside your walls is just collateral damage.now. I can’t tell if you’ll jump on every landmine yourself to leave a path for your siblings.”
