A friend and I got bored in class and one thing led to another and this is what he thinks every episode River appeared in is about solely based off the title and the doctorwho.tv thumbnails:
Silence in the library: “Spacesuits with replaceable heads of dead people (like Walt Disney)”
Forest of the Dead: “She (River) is the body that they put the skeleton helmet on”
Time of Angels: “Taylor Swift”
Flesh and Stone: “there’s a guy and he really wants to be a weeping angel so he makes a cosplay and starts a cult and tries to become a weeping angel”
The Pandorica Opens: “Spacetime wacky hijinks where they get a Roman soldier, a Minotaur and a bunch of random aliens from wherever and put them in a maze”
The Big Bang: “young Sheldon”
The Impossible Astronaut: “they don’t go to the moon. Instead, they go to the 50s and the astronaut is a Chinese spy trying to uncover NASA’s plans so China can go the the moon first and capture aliens. But they do not go to the moon.”
Day of the Moon: “an episode for the fans. They still don’t go to the moon. Instead, the current cast, old companions, and irrelevant side characters from the 60s are all locked in a dark room and they try to get out.”
A good man goes to war: “Doctor Who becomes friends with a good man, then goes to the future to discover the kid grew up into a heartless person, find out they went to war, then continue going back in time to figure out why.”
Let’s kill h!tler: “they don’t kill him. Instead they devise a bunch of plans on how to kill him. They don’t travel through time, they are in a room the whole time making theories on how they could do, why they can’t do it, and why they couldn’t have done it earlier”
Closing time: “the Doctor isn’t here, it’s just James Cordon getting tortured for 40 minutes by an unseen figure”
The wedding of River Song: “whacky hijinks ensue on a barge. The story focuses on like different people, why they’re here, and how they’re connected. One guy is an alcoholic who comes on the barge to get drunk in secret, one guys trying to get married, one’s an assassin, one’s the officiant, they’re all crazy and they have to work together for seemingly unconnected reasons”
The Angels take Manhattan: “the weeping angel cult is back and it spreads throughout Manhattan.”
The name of the Doctor: he gave me three different options:
1) the timeless child story (kinda)
2) the prisoners of the judoon plot (kinda)
3) the setup to a Doctor waaaaay farther into the relative future
The Wedding of Song: “super controversial. The companions are now fully fleshed out characters separate to the Doctor. Call back to the episode on the barge. Fans hate this episode.”
Russel, please hire this man, I’d watch these episodes.
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