Norah's Journal

I love to yap

[perfectfeelings]

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”

— Mark Twain

[norahlovesyapping]

@myself ojo aquí preciosa

[apesoformythoughts]

“The strongest proof that we are made in the image of the Trinity is this: love alone makes us happy, because we live in relationship, we live to love and to be loved.”

— Joseph Ratzinger (Pope Benedict XVI)

[norahlovesyapping]

Me he encontrado a mi ex pareja

Llevo semanas pensando en él, soñando con él. Lo he llamado, lo he manifestado de nuevo en mi vida. No he hablado con él, nada más hemos cruzado miradas pero con eso ha bastado para volver un caos mi vida.

Han sido dos veces las que lo he visto, varias más ls que lo he soñado. Curiosamente creo que hay una razón detrás, Dios sabe porque y para que hace las cosas y nada es casualidad. Creo que es momento de confrontar mi pasado - el cual él representa.

Él es el fantasma que me atormenta por las noches, es el espejo que refleja y amplifica lo peor de mí.

Pero yo ya no soy yo, y he vuelto a ser yo. Ya no soy la persona que él conoció, nunca lo he sido, pero apenas estoy volviendo a ser quien en verdad soy. El color negro, música en ruso, luz del sol, plantas, arañas, bailar a la mitad de la calle, sonreírle a la gente, olor a tierra mojada, hadas y fantasmas, olor a libro viejo, una cama cómoda y una taza de té caliente.

Debo de romper con mi pasado y conectar con quien soy, en donde estoy y a dónde quiero ir.

[norahlovesyapping]

Why?

I can't find words to describe how I feel other than "I truly don't care anymore". I don't care about dating or having sex anymore, I don't care about people wanting to cut ties with me, I mean of course in a way it hurts but I've just stopped taking it personally.

The only focus in my life is my job, my education, my niece, my friends, my health. Nothing else -- finally?

My ex (we're friends, it's a long story) said he was happy for me, he was proud of seeing this new change in me. This got me thinking, for the past year and a half I've been crashing out - sex, parties, drugs, alcohol, stupid decisions - that's what one usually does whilst crashing out. Being with Emilio stabilized me a lot. And I mean, I'm not doing the same shit I was doing in 2023, but I'm also not in the same, happy, stable place I was in when I was with him - so what I'm trying to say is - what if this, I don't care anymore mentality is another form of crashing out?

I'm cleaning my room, which is an improvement. I'm cleaning and doing my laundry, changing bedsheets, and throwing away all the trash I've hoarded these past years. Deep down though, I know I'm about to break down. It might be the fact that I don't like my job anymore, the fact that I want to do something else that doesn't involve so much thinking and feeling. I just feel burned out.