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idk you but your story is so close to mine.. i hope we can both heal from our traumas.. you're not alone.. sorry im writing anonymously coz ill reveal my name, revealing my story and its something i cant talk so openly about tbh.. but youre brave for doing so.. please stay and dont give up no matter what..

I'm not sure when this message was sent, but I am rooting for your healing. We can do this!

I am aware that other people may have it worst that I had. But the fact that I’ve been through a lot on my own hurts.

I am fatherless at 2. The step-father I grew up with molested me at a young age. My mother had to go to Japan for a living and growing up with my lola is both a blessing and a nightmare. My lola is the most toxic person I never thought I knew. Due to unresolved trauma and me not being self-aware before, being hypersexual was my defense mechanism but it only gave opportunity to people to take advantage of me. Settled down with the person I thought would save me from everything, but turns out to be the worst decision I made in my life. Because of that person I experience things I never thought I’d experience. Poverty, homelessness, debt and more trauma.

I don’t know why I had to go through what I went through, and still going through some shit. Did I ever deserve these? I don’t know how much more I can take.

Major Life Update

Recently moved to a new place. Somewhere my family doesn’t know, and I don’t want them to know.

My ex and I agreed to co-parent for the benefit of the kids. Since he mostly work in Mandaluyong and most of the relatives, both mine and his, are there, we decided to get a place closer to Manila cause it’s not quite convenient to stay Tagaytay alone with the kids.

As planned, we decided to get a 2-room apt so we can have our own separate rooms. Fast forward to today, we were able to move to the new apartment, and he said he'll probably be home only on weekends.

The other day he came home unannounced and sober. We had a fight cause what’s been happening is since he's mainly financing the basic needs at home, he wants to be in control or wants authority. On top of that, despite not being romantically together, he wants us to be clingy and sexual which I’m not comfortable with but I feel like I’m obliged to give in to his favors because if not, he’s harassing me with words he knows that can trigger my mental breakdown.

I can’t move around as I wanted when he’s around and his presence and voice alone triggers my anxiety. We argued to the point that he wants me to get leave. It irks me cause for a long time that I’ve been the breadwinner of our family, I never did what he is doing to me now.

Now, since my biological family kind of disowned me mainly bec of him too, I can't go back home to them as I'm not welcome there anymore. I can't get my own place, so I don't know what to do other than tolerate what he’s been doing to me.

I’m having quarrels with my relatives about letting them finance my son’s education, which I refuse cause I don’t want to give out that responsibility to anyone but us, the parents.

They wanted to enroll him in a private school. So, okay. I am enrolling him to a private school since that’s what they wanted. Unfortunately, they don’t like the idea of me financing my own son’s education.

Their reason: they wanted to help my son. My rebut: I mean, okay. If you insist, then you can pull my share out of my grandmother’s caregiver. My obligation to my son should be my priority anyway. That’s as good as helping my son get a better education.

Their other reason: Taking over the education expenses will lighten my financial burden. My rebut: If you care so much about my financial status, then why obligate me to give a share to the CG instead of my son? I almost had to give up my daughter’s tutor cause of it, but I don’t remember any remorse about it.

Everything they say is just contradicting. All I see is merely favoritism.

If they really wanted to help, they can help me by simply keeping my peace of mind. My mental health is a big factor of my capability to finance my children.

If they really wanted to help, they can help me boost my business. Help doesn’t always involve money.

Being called a "bitch" when I was younger until people heard about my abuse that started in, I can't even clearly remember what age, 8 or 9?

All I know is I was merely a kid. A kid who never feel safe and comfortable to open up such abuse even to her own family.

I didn’t even recognize it as abuse until I wan an adult - but it never felt right and I feel disgusted with myself. That’s why even after that, what I thought was “normal”, such as drunk sex, sex with your partner even though you don’t feel comfortable, was actually not okay.

I have no clear idea about consent back then. I thought it was okay for me to just submit myself to men for their sexual desire, and that they will give me love and respect in exchange. Unfortunately, that’s not the case at all.

I am not proud, but I am not afraid to say that I was used by men that doesn’t deserve me. Sadly, I had to learn it the hard way.

Looking back, I don't really understand why I kept my standards too low. Why did I settle for something not worthy.

After all the chances I gave him if things won’t work out anymore, then it’s probably my fault this time. I can say that I grew tired of the vicious cycle and the trauma over the past years has taken over me that I don’t think I’ll ever feel the same way I did for him before even if he does change.

It’s on me now.

I feel like I’ve been holding on to the wrong person the whole 10 years of my life.

The person I thought would save me from a toxic environment and make myself feel free to be me turns out to be the worst version of the toxicity I grew up with.

I got out of an environment that once made me kill myself to somewhere I want to kill myself even more.

I experience things I never thought I would go through. I reached the worst of my mental illness I could imagine. I may have learned things from it, but I learned the very hard way.

I think I’ve already said it before. I fear that my children will feel more at home or they will try to find the feeling of being at home to strangers or at the wrong place.

I fear that when something bad happens to them, I will be the last to know.

I fear that when they achieve something, I will not be the one they wanted to celebrate it with.

I just FEAR that they will be just like ME.

dankmemeuniversity

When I decided to live in with my partner I thought I will be finally free from the abuse I endured at home. Neither did I know that I just got myself to a new series of manipulative events and abuse - emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically.

I didn’t know or recognize how manipulative and abusive the relationship was until after 10 years of living together.

I lost my self-worth, self-love, self-esteem - I completely lost myself.

e d2 Gwx I’m starting to get paranoid. Since I’m planning to move to a nearby province, I was thinking that what if they refuse to let my eldest son move with us?

If that happens, he will of course live in the same house where I was verbally abused. Whatever happened to me, might happen to him.

With that being said, I feel paranoid that what happened to my mom will happen to me. They will feed my son with bad stuff about me then he will start to hate me.

They will make him feel like he owe them all the things they provide him.

I don’t want that to happen. However, I know for a fact that my decision of moving away from them will, as usual, turn bad as if I am not grateful or indebted for the things they did for me, for raising me, for keeping me alive - which I never wanted to in the first place.

I just don’t want to burden them anymore so I wanted to be more independent no matter how much I know how it will be for me and my kids.

Photo by: https://www.facebook.com/thingsyouwantedtosaybutneverdid

I wish I could tell this straight to my relatives - specially my grandmother. They are all so proud of what they went through, to the point that they brag it every chance they get.

I love them so I'm happy that they successfully survived it, but the fact that they are passing the pain as well is still there.

This is why I realized that healing is necessary before having children so you won't pass the pain to them. This is also why I'm trying my best to end all pain with me, I don't want my kids to be just another me.

Photo by: https://www.facebook.com/thingsyouwantedtosaybutneverdid

This is probably why I never knew kind love. I only know though love, materialistic love and manipulative love. I thought being in pain is normal.

I never felt I’m safe to tell my family whatever I’ve gone through cause they always find a way to blame me for whatever is happening to me. Yet they never blame themselves as to why I am what I am.

When my step-father molested me when I was a kid, I had to keep it to myself, I cried myself to sleep alone, all because I don’t feel safe to tell my family the disgusting things my step-father did to me. It went on for a while, and I can’t even do anything for myself. There was no amount of shower to remove the nasty feeling at a young age.

They all questioned me why I grew up like this - they even called me a ‘rebel’. They neve questioned themselves. They thought that keeping me fed, sending me to a good school, and buying me expensive things are enough. They missed all the important things every child needed. Nice words of encouragement, support, understanding, - things that PRICELESS.

This almost happened to me probably 2 years ago. Part of me was scared to death, but there’s also a part of me that wishes it killed me so I don’t have to keep suffering.

Growing up, I’m always expected to apologize which is understandable if you made a mistake as a child.

However, growing up. It doesn’t really matter what I did or why I did it. As long as they feel offended and disrespected, you are obliged to apologize. Even if the reason why you did what you did was because they disrespected you as a person.

There’s this Filipino family toxic culture where it doesn’t matter if they are wrong or if they hurt you, as long as they are older than you, worst is if they are an older relative, they won’t apologize to you. They don’t even feel remorse, and act like everything is a joke, or YOU are a JOKE to them.

I remember, despite no physical abuse, I always hear hurtful words from my family even at the slightest mistake. I assume it was one of the reason what made me develop this illness in my brain. Most of the time, I’ll just have my mental breakdown and they’ll just see it as “arte”.

In a typical Filipino family, adults/parents don’t directly apologize to you. They will just offer you food and expect that everything will be back to normal. There’s no acknowledgement, they don’t comprise, no apologies.

Photo by: https://www.facebook.com/thingsyouwantedtosaybutneverdid

PS: Photo belongs to its rightful owners. No copyright infringement intended. I just want to share images that explains my emotion that I cannot put into words.

#kleng's diary

I don't really have as much clear memory of my childhood as most people, so if I do, it means it made a really big impact in me.

I've always love art for as young as I can remember. I remember scribling fashion ideas like a fashion designer in my notebooks. Designing my dream house like an interior designer. I'm known for my good hands for drawing back in my school and won some prizes from it.

Realizing now, we are not a rich family as I thought we were when I was a kid. We probably belong to a lower middle-class family.

My mom supports my passion for drawing as a hobby, and that's pretty much it. When I graduated high school and it was the time for me to choose a course to take, the idea of me taking an art course was never accepted. They want me to take an in-demand course like nursing.

When I started exploring and got in the hobby of cosplaying, nobody really supported me financially. That's why I already started selling online in 2007. Online selling wasn't even as popular as it is nowadays. But I did my best cause I really wanted to have my own money for Cosplaying.

When my aunt found out about this hobby, she wasn't really that amazed. Heck, she doesn't even like how I passionately love wearing Japanese fashion despite the fact that she resides there already.

What really impacted in my mind was when she told me not to influence my cousins to Cosplay like it was a bad thing.

Eventually, my cousins being a Japanese, they liked Cosplay. Unlike me, they were basically funded for their costumes. They are brought and fetched to the conventions they attend to with the car. While I mostly travel by jeep, bus and train back then cause that's all I can afford, carrying a big bag full of my cosplay stuff to attend a con.

Fast forward, I did almost all sort of things. But still, they never seem proud of what I do.

Photo from https://www.facebook.com/thingsyouwantedtosaybutneverdid

#kleng's diary

This is what I wanted to avoid in my family. I fear that they will feel more at home or they will try to find the feeling of being at home to strangers or at the wrong place.

I may have lived under a nice roof and getting practically what I need, but I never felt like I have the right to be open with my emotion. Whenever I do, I'm told that I'm disrespectful. Yet, they expect me to be open to them.

This is why I never felt safe telling them about my abuse at around 7-8 years old.

This is why I prefer being out with my friends despite the possible dangers in the street.

Cause being at our house doesn't feel like home to me.

And that is one of the reasons why my life crashed. There’s this never ending adventure of looking for "home".

Image source: https://www.facebook.com/thingsyouwantedtosaybutneverdid

#home #never home #kleng's diary #childhood #parenting

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