Big Life Updates in the last ~2 years.
Jan ‘18, moved back to the Bay
March ‘18, started working for my friend’s company
April ‘18, moved in with 4 dudes I barely knew before. They’re decent friends now. Some of their priorities and life perspectives are drastically different than mine. Two of them care a lot about clout, entertaining themselves endlessly, acting like children, etc. That being said, they are a bit younger than me
Jan ‘19, friend leaves the company, management gets on my ass about coming in on time and being engaged. Which is idiotic because as soon as the friend left, I had to do more, which I was able to do successfully. Did start volunteering for SoFar sounds which has been a cool way to hang out with more concert people
April ‘19, let a friend down by awkwardly handling how I told her I was into her. Feels pretty shitty. I was too scared to tell the truth and let go of a possibility of something. Moved out of that house closer to Oakland/SF. Locations better but I miss the one roommate I left behind.
June ‘19, got into a bad car wreck. Total-ed my Jetta. The driver of the car I rear ended is seeking insurance money for injuries. That makes me feel terribly, especially knowing how much my concussion has affected me. I’m more scared to drive around nowadays and don’t get as much joy out of it. In fact, I’m having a hard time getting joy out of much at all. Thinking about changing medication, my therapist, and my PCP. It’s so hard to tell what’s related to my PCS and what’s the depression/anxiety. It’s definitely a mix of both but it’s hard to know where to start.
July ‘19, dad gets remarried. New wife is pretty cool and the wedding was fun. Got to hang out at his house in WA on the island. Definitely want to spend as much time there as possible. Feels relaxing for sure. Got the chance to fly into the new Paine Field terminal. It’s pretty nice! Though very small. Aside from a Beecher’s food stand, and a Cafe Vita coffee spot, and a bar, there isn’t much there to do or look at. Seeing my old office was funny. I definitely enjoy my work environment a lot more now with everything being so close. That is a big reason I’m still at the company. I guess I’m too used to sucking it up and making the best of what I have. The long, gradual, improvement thing does not come naturally for me unless there’s some structure. That is something the company lacks for sure. Seems like every time we try to implement it, the MGMT takes it away or doesn’t run with it well. Not much you can shake up in management in a family run company though.
It feels like I’m in a rut. My health’s not so great. I’m addicted to nicotine via my juul. I haven’t swam consistently in months. My room’s a fucking mess. My dating life is mediocre at best. I haven’t practiced guitar. My finances are not doing so hot either. My mental health is also sfufering as a result of the above and not meeting my own expectations.
I was listening to a podcast recently about self-talk and how focusing on all the negatives will set myself up for failure. So here goes the positives that I want to seek out in the future:
- Health: imagine how good I’ll feel if I get back into swimming and try openw ater swimming as well
- Finance: imagine a future where I’m saving money, on a budget, and have a cushion to absorb any random life blow (of which I seem to be receiving a bunch recently). Imagine being able to travel without worrying about spending too much money
- Dating Life; imagine being able to meet cool people, ask them out, and go on dates with a few of them.
- Guitar: imagine being able to play songs I really enjoy to my friends. Imagine being able to play guitar at a campout or on the beach
Sometimes I worry about what I post here. Who’s still looking. Is it someone I’ve wronged in the past? Do they still, justifiably, hold the mistakes I’ve made and the pain I’ve caused them against me? I wouldn’t blame them if they did. I know what sort of hurt I’m capable of. The weird truth is, the best thing I can do for them, for myself, and everyone in my life, seems to be to help myself. Whether that be seeking out medication and treatment for my mental health, exercising for my body, meditation for my mind, and just improving my life in all the facets I can. The mistakes I’ve made always seem to come from me thinking I’m lacking something. How do I learn to self talk to myself that I can simultaneously seek to improve, but not be so negative about my current situation?
’ll be honest, writing this felt good. I haven’t done something like this in a while. Maybe I’ll try to do it in the months going forward.
