Mediocre poet

- They/them - Dumping grounds for shit I write

[not-cerberus]

It is dizzying to feel at home Some place you couldn't imagine ever belonging  Couldn't dream of it  A place you thought you could never have  Could never deserve 

But then suddenly, you feel home regardless  And it’s disorientating  Being greeted with warmth Open arms and smiles Your picture on the wall, along with the family photos 

Instead of being greeted by lights turned off The only hello by the buzzing of a fridge  Empty walls Devoid of any proof you live there 

It is dizzying to feel like a part of a family One that isn't your own When you never knew what family felt like Never knew the warmth and support that came with one 

It’s disorientating to feel loved In the little actions Like your photo on the wall Words holding more encouragement than you've ever felt Open invites to dinner To family events As if you have always belonged there 

It feels dizzying in the best way  To step in another's house  And feel like you can breathe again Because you are finally home Right where you belong

[not-cerberus]

I can never tell when people like me Enjoy my presence Miss it when im not there Want me around

I think they do, When they talk to me Reach out  Make me a part of their daily routine  Conversation flowing like wine at an open bar

I grab onto them Holding tight Afraid to let go They don't pull away, escaping from my grasp Content enough to stay

I think they don't, When they disappear Leave me on read for hours, days, weeks Until I stop counting the minutes passed  That set routine broken and forgotten  In with the new and out with the old,  Like a spring clean up Paying me two minutes of attention when they find me again

I grab onto them Holding tight Afraid to let go They don't pull away No, they just simply... crumble to ashes Slipping through my fingers as if they were never there

With no warning beforehand Like I was never there in the first place A stranger who passed them on the street But they can't quite recall my name anymore Can't remember how they know me Why my face seems so vaguely familiar 

I let them slip through the cracks When the wind blows away the ashes, I step away  Allowing myself to fade from their thoughts 

I can never tell when people liked me If they wished i'd collect the dust and tried anew If they miss my presence

If they did, couldn't they see I tried? Tried to hold tight  Afraid to let go Afraid to lose another friend to the wind

If they did, couldn't they see I needed them? To try and hold tight too To not let me disappear into a stranger on the street

[not-cerberus]

They forget To find yourself, you have to be lost first Lost entirely 

Lost at sea, no stars in the sky No compass to point homewards Just idly drifting, no course set In miles upon miles of a never ending dark blue horizon No means of returning to land On a boat with just you and a paddle or two 

Lost in a forest, sun long set Stumbling around blindly  Unable to see your hand in front of you To see the tree a few steps ahead  Your only sense, your touch

Lost in a crowd, stretching on and on No exits in sight No escape among the masses Wading through seas of bodies Going against the march of the machine

Lose yourself entirely  Keep drifting without a course, in search of land Keep stumbling blindly, a hand held out to search your surroundings  Keep wading through, parting the seas of people 

Let yourself be lost  And maybe … Just maybe …  You will find yourself  In the dim north star painted against black In the soft moonlight shining through tree tops In flickering of green above a door You will be waiting, a hand reached out to welcome you Guide you home

[not-cerberus]

Memento mori  Remember Death A part of life, crucial 

Death can be scary A shadow, looming over your shoulders Pushing you to do great things Pushing you to make these moments count  Sitting on your chest until you cannot breathe 

But to me, Death is beautiful  Welcomed with open arms They are a reminder to live Memento vivere Live how you are, how you want to be Be true to yourself and you'll be immortal  Death isn't an end, an impending doom

Your life doesn't end when you die It goes on, in the thoughts of others In the air, your touch lingers In the ground, your steps can be felt for years to come

If you live true, you'll never die A reminder you were here, will be imprinted on the world

[not-cerberus]

I wish you could see yourself  The way everyone else does

I wish you could see your eyes How they shine  As if there are entire galaxies trapped behind your lids How one gaze of you is enough to warm someone  Even in the biting snow

I wish you could see your smile How it travels up your face when you get excited  Hugs your eyes  How one smile of you is enough to forget Forget everything outside of this room Forget every hurt from the past Until all there is left your smile

And oh, your voice I wish you could hear it the way I do The way I yearn to hear your words To listen while you talk endlessly  To hear how there is such a kindness Always gentle, a caress to the ache in my soul The way a whisper of you shoos away the darkness Tells me it will all be right

[not-cerberus]

Time is an illusion It's not linear, a series of events happening one after another  Like they say It doesn't keep going, for ever and ever  Without a break 

It’s a broken swirl, a scribble on paper made with a pen  The ink nearly all gone  It stops and loops itself Replays the days Brings attention to the dark, illuminates the light Erases them, overlapping lines Indistinguishable from each other  Skips ahead, gaps in its wake 

Tomorrow feels like yesterday  But yesterday was a lifetime ago And yet, I remember that one day on the playground  Where I fell, blood spilling out on the gravel below Like it was but a moment ago And yet, I remember nothing at all 

The years The days The hours Blur together, lump together into a ball of clay Malleable but never the same again 

The people The conversations The thoughts  Fade into the background, forgotten  I can’t remember names or who I told what Just that it had to have happened  Because there's this faint feeling of familiarity

Tomorrow feels like yesterday  But yesterday feels like a lifetime ago And yet I remember that one day we met  Actually spoke  Where I fell, heart spilling on the stone below your feet Like it was but a moment ago And yet, I remember nothing at all

I don't remember the birthdays spent with family Or parties I attended with friends The things I've learned nor who taught me The bruises, the scrapes Days of my youth; a gaping hole, a ball of black yarn with the Occasional white fuzz found

And yet, I remember everything  The nights we've had Every conversation shared Every text sent Every story told

I remember the way I felt listening to your voice that night The way I felt my heart turn, fluttering in tune with the beat of your words The way your eyes lit up, sparkle brighter than the moonlight The way I knew I was utterly lost, unravelling  Only held together by the promise of you

I remember nothing at all,  Yet i remember everything

[not-cerberus]

I've changed a lot since I was a kid  Everyone did, that's how life works  And you never realize until you get this vivid memory  From when you were young and naive  Just how much you've changed  You can't even pinpoint when you changed 

I've always been able to cry on command  That hasn't changed, atleast  What changed is how I trigger it 

I always had plenty of memories to draw upon  Plenty of what ifs  I used to imagine what would happen if my mom died  Used to cry until I couldn't anymore 

But now?  That same thought doesn't make me cry  It doesn't fill me with dread and fear  It makes me feel hope, a chance for freedom  Hope for a better life, without her  It makes me smile, ever so slightly 

And I wonder, when did that change?  When did I stop loving her?  When did I stop seeing her as my mother?  When did she become just another stranger? 

I don't remember what final act to pushed me over the line  What the final word was  Whether it was the time she called me useless  A mistake  A replacement 

Or the time she hit me  Over math homework  Called me stupid for not knowing how to solve an equation I had never seen before 

Or when she just plain ignored me for a week because I dared to set a boundary 

There were plenty of times I forgave her  Despite the lack of an apology  The lack of accountability taken  I kept loving her  Thought this was just how a mother was 

So, I don't remember when I stopped forgiving her  Started resenting her  I just know that it happened  And I know it can't ever be fixed. 

[not-cerberus]

I think I’ve lost myself  The person I was, slipped away Like sand through my fingers,  No matter how hard I tried to hold on No matter how tightly I clutched my fists 

I used to know who I was At some point Though I can’t remember when Can’t remember who I was Can’t remember what I was

I look at the mirror and see someone else A stranger wearing my face  Distorted and unreal A reflection mimicking my movements  Lagging behind 

They are not me  They cannot be me  I don’t recognise them  Their eyes look so different 

I don’t think I’ve changed Yet I don’t feel the same  I feel… empty, a shell of my former self 

All the things that made me, stripped away  Crushed underneath a boot Until all there was left was a shadow stuck in my mirror Until I became a stranger to myself 

I have lost myself, but found someone else  Someone I’ve yet to really meet 

[not-cerberus]

Somewhere there is a letter  Collecting dust in a box  Hidden away from prying eyes  Forgotten  The ink fading overtime

A goodbye to the world  A desperate cry for help Words better than this poem

Explaining why staying is too much Why it is too painful  Why it would be a mercy to everyone to just leave Words written by someone all alone 

Remnants of tear marks can still be seen  If you just look closely enough  Thinking about how even after this letter, no one would care  No one would find it  No one ever will 

It got hidden away between old homework  Forgotten by the writer 

Forgotten until it gets bad again  Forgotten until they pick up the letter again  Blowing off the dust 

[not-cerberus]

What if I am a ghost?  Unnoticed. Lingering over your shoulder  Always there, but never visible  See through  A memory of the days long gone

My touch, a mere chill My voice, a whisper of a breeze My scream, just the old house creaking The foundation of the earth shifting, like I am not even there 

What if I am a ghost?  Unmissed. Forgotten in the past 

My face fading before your eyes  My presence a reason for melancholic nostalgia  Can’t you see I am still here?

What if I am a ghost?  Unwanted.  Alone in the void  Checking our messages, hoping you’ll remember me  Remember me like you used to 

Please, remember me like I remember you Please, miss me like I miss you I don’t want to be a ghost anymore

[not-cerberus]

There is something alluring about the dark  It welcomes you, wraps you in its warmth There is no room for judgement when you can’t see 

It allows you to just exist  Be in this space without having to perform Allows you to feel what you would conceal 

It protects you from the outside  Like a child under their blanket  Safe and sound 

It lets you forget  Forget about the agony  Forget about the world  Forget about your worries 

Step into the dark It will harbour you here Create your personal safe haven Warding off your boogeymen

[not-cerberus]

Dear mom,  I wish you could see me  Really see me  Not that version of me you think I am 

Not that perfectly nice girl  Who is always quiet  Who never rebels  Who gets good grades  Who is always happy 

She is not real  She has never been real You made her up because you could not accept me

I wish you see the real me  Who is rough around the edges  Who acts out and breaks the rules  Who struggles with their grades  Who plasters on a smile because they were told their emotions weren’t real 

The me who says they do not to care what others think  Hard shell deflecting bullets The me who cares too deeply what others think  Desperate for approval and validation  Dragging every word with them as a stuffed casket 

The me who yells  And screams  Until everyone has heard their fucking voice  Because death is less scary than going unheard  Than going ununderstood 

The me who fights with their life For others  For themselves 

The me who pours their heart out to anyone who will listen  No longer okay with being silenced  No longer okay with being quiet 

I wish you could see them  Really see them See how far they’ve come  See all the progress they’ve had  Despite everything they have gone through

I wish you could be proud of them  Because damn it, I am.

[not-cerberus]

The first time I was given love  Just for being me  It felt strange  It felt wrong 

I felt lied to  Tricked with foul intentions  A funny joke that got no laughs 

My own brain turned on me  Twisted the compliments  Attached thorns to the roses  Convinced me they were lies  Remember, you are not worthy unless you are useful

I became so insufferable, the love stopped. 

And I was fine, I swear, My heart stayed in one piece There were no shards to cut my hands on

The second time I was given love  Just for being me  It felt strange… It felt nice 

I felt the butterflies in my stomach  Felt the warmth love can bring  I felt maybe, just maybe, this was not a trick It wasn’t one before until I turned it into a joke 

My own heart turned on me  Accepted their words Hung on their lips, believed every syllable as the truth Snipped thorns of the roses

I became so insufferable, the love stopped.  Without explanation Without cause 

And I was broken.  There were too many shards Scattered on the floor  Too many sharp edges  I left them alone, scared to cut my hands

I told you so, didn’t I? You weren’t useful enough, so they left.

The third time I was given love  Just for being me It felt strange It felt scary 

I wanted their love so badly  I had never wanted it before 

My own brain and heart turned on me  Told me we couldn’t trust this  No matter what, it would not last  It could never last  You could never be deserving enough.

But I wanted it anyway Tested their boundaries  Showed them my broken shards

I became so insufferable… But they did not leave.  Instead, they smiled sweetly, picked up a shard  Handed it back to me  A few less shards left on the floor No longer scared to pick up the sharp pieces of me

I was the one who stopped this time,  Still convinced they would leave  It would simply take them longer to learn the truth.  To see the real me, glued back to together  To see I was still not enough  To see I could never be enough

And I was fine,  I swear,  I told myself leaving now was a mercy  For them For me Staying would only lead to undoing all the work Make the blood spilled pointless 

The fourth time I was given love Just for being me It felt strange It felt wrong 

I did not try to keep it I did not want it  My own brain and heart stayed silent  For just this once 

I stayed me, showed everything I had  Love it or loathe it, I did not care 

He saw my broken shards  Laid out on the ground before me Half glued together, half left neglected  He did not pick them up  He did not try to glue me back together  Instead, he smiled and showed me his. 

The love did not stop.  Too exhausted to fight it,  My brain and heart stayed silent

And I was fine,  Really, this time.  After all, the love did not stop I learned love did not have just one form I learned love comes with broken shards Shards you did not have to fix,  They could simply be 

The fifth time I was given love Just for being me It felt nice  It felt true 

I did not fight it  I was not scared  After all, I had a friend shouting over the fears from my brain and heart

I simply smiled, showed my broken shards in all their glory  They smiled back and showed me theirs  Maybe we don’t have to be useful, we just have to be.

I was given love.  Real love this time, without conditions and rules.  Love that could just be, exist without a fight 

And I am fine,  Better than fine. I learned how to love, how to receive it

The shards started forming one piece again By themselves, no touch needed, no blood spilled A little deformed, slotted back together in odd ways  Pieces missing or shattered beyond repair  But one piece nonetheless  Held together by the love of two

The sixth time I was given love No one else gave it to me  I learned to love myself,  Just for being me

And I am truly fine.  No longer alone to beg for love No longer alone to learn how to love No longer afraid of love

Finally worthy of my own love, too. After all, if they both still love me, I must be deserving of it.

[not-cerberus]

I never knew love  I was never given love  Love was a myth  A foreign word that felt strange on my tongue  Was never taught the meaning of it

I did not know what love was  Did not know how to receive it  How to accept it  How to give it 

Love became a fairy tale  A story told around the campfire  Like a cautionary tale Something you hear about, but could never imagine  Because it wasn’t real

Love wasn’t real  It was mere toleration that came with a list of conditions  Do this for me and I’ll love you  Have good grades and I’ll love you  Be the perfect obedient child and I’ll love you  Be your sister and I’ll love you 

Love came with being useful  If I was useful, I was loved  The second I stopped The love slipped away  Like water slipping between your fingers 

I was not worthy of love  Could never be worthy enough I thought it would always be like that  I thought it was like that for everyone 

Everyone was just trying to earn love by being useful to others  By moulding themselves in a shape someone else would like  Moulding themselves into someone so unrecognisable that they lost themselves 

In a futile attempt, I moulded myself  I became someone I wasn’t  I hid all my parts in a box and locked it away, never to be seen in the light of day

Desperate to be loved,  I lost myself 

Raised on the idea that being myself was never worthy of love  Made me scared of it  Made me resent it

I ceased existing  I did not know who I was anymore 

All I knew was: I did not want to be loved anymore. Because that meant being what someone else wanted me to be  I was done being someone else 

If that meant going unloved: fine by me.

[not-cerberus]

I know  I know I am safe 

On land, talking to friends Laughing at their jokes 

On land, away from danger  Safe and sound… right?

But I can hear the thunderous waves in the distance  I can hear them creep closer Hoping to drag me under  To hold me close In the dark, all alone  Suffocate me until there is no me to hold 

I can feel the licks of water at my feet  One moment until it sinks its teeth in my skin  One moment until I disappear 

As I smile at my friends, the thunder deafens me  Unable to hear their voices over the noise

The thunder and the beat of my own heart drown everything out  Like a horribly twisted drum you cannot escape Following you wherever you go 

The water surrounds me  Crowds in until there is no air left to breathe Fills my lungs until they burn  I can’t make a sound 

The ocean puts a veil over my eyes  Takes away the light 

Until all there is left is me and the ocean, A parasitic relationship of fear, resentment and anger 

I know,  I know I am safe

On land, talking with friends Laughing at their jokes

But I am not there anymore I am back in the ocean

And it’s strange,  The raging thunder and the salt overtaking my senses Feel like home 

A home you hated once, but now have grown adjusted to  A home I can’t fight anymore A home that snuffs out my light Drains my energy

I don’t yell for help  I don’t reach out I don’t move 

As I smile at my friends, I let myself be taken and dragged to the bottom

[not-cerberus]

I am tired. 

Tired of being yelled at from across the street.  Tired of men whispering in my ear as they pass.  Tired of people seeing my identity as an invite to yell, simply because it does not fit their twisted version of normal.

Tired of the childish barks of teenagers, who think they are so cool for calling any alternative person “emo”, with poison dripping off the  word as if it is a slur.  Who think they are so incredibly funny when they pretend to gag at our existence.  Tired of being stared at no matter where I go.  Tired of feeling as if there is a spotlight on me, that follows me everywhere. 

Tired of never fully feeling safe. Tired of always having to look over my shoulder, wondering if today is the day a bark turns into a bite.  Tired of hearing their voices follow me like echoes in a cave. 

I know it has not happened to me yet. But I know what can happen. I hear it from friends. I hear it from parents. Pay heed, hear our stories like warning sirens. Be careful, don’t provoke anything. Just like a child gets taught to fear a dog’s bark as it can become a bite if they aren’t careful enough, I know to fear a man’s bark. 

The fear lingers, even as I have hardened myself to their words.  Showing fear would be too satisfactory for them.  So instead, I yell back.  I match their childish, ridiculous behaviour. 

But it is draining.  This constant fight for respect depletes my energy like a leech. Every time their words reach me, I think; please, go away. Not again.  I don’t have the energy.  I don’t want to do this today.

So, exhausted and empty, I put on my headset. I drown out the noise.  Drown out the barks from yipping dogs, ignore the stares burning through my skull.

And I hope.  Hope they leave me alone. 

And I shut them out, out of my head.  They are not worth a sliver of attention, even in my own thoughts. 

As long as I have my friends, my safe spaces, I can rest.  For just a moment.  And maybe that is enough to help me endure the outside world. Though I wish we didn’t have to.  I wish for a world where we can simply exist, without fear of judgement or harassment.

Perhaps the world has changed for the better over the years. The shouts and words being less frequent. The feeling of safety slowly growing.

Or maybe I have changed.  Learned to tune them out.  Learned to let the insults or inappropriate comments slide off me like the rain off my coat. I can’t quite say.

I think… I got used to the barks. 

Like you get used to the screech of seagulls.  Like you get used to the rustling of leaves on a tree. 

It became normal background noise.  So normal you don’t even notice it. Became less of a topic to discuss. Became a part of the daily routine. 

[not-cerberus]

I am not a poet  I don’t know how to be one  How to wrap all my thoughts in a poem

I don’t know how to wrap my anger  In a bouquet of pretty flowers  Presentable to the world  In a way that doesn’t scare you I can only offer a scribble of curses  Paper torn in shreds 

I don't know how to wrap my sadness  In a lyrical song  Words so beautiful they make you weep I can only offer my tears Leaking out, droplets creating smudges on paper  Ink forming illegible words 

I don’t know how to wrap my love  In a melody that flows  Comprehensible  Clear  A song that loops itself in your head  I can only offer my heart  On display, beating a terrified thrum

I am not a poet  I don’t know how to be one  How to show myself to the world  In a way that does not frighten me to the core