So yeah. Trans. That's what I am.

kik: delilah_xenith So on the kik, please don’t send me any explicit, violent, sexual, pictures or videos. I'm MtF (she/her/she's/hers) trans and this is my story. I am open to any questions as long as they are respectful. Also please avoid rebloging these.

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8/18/17 19:31 Day One-hundred-seventy-three

Don't you love it when you come home feeling good(ish) and when you get home you just feel like playing that game you always play bevause its great, but your brother is in your chair and on his game so you have to wait but he doesn't get up because "the dishes need to be done"? So you get into an argument so you decide "fuck it." If he wants to be petty so can I. So I go to the living room to listen to music, but its "too" loud so your mom starts telling you to turn it down. And all the while she just sits there saying he and him and using my dead name. Then her boyfriend decides to hang upbecause he didn't want to hear her get after you because you just want to listen to screaming music at full volume because you want to die and so she starts blaming yiu for always turning the house upside down when ever you're there even though if your brother had just not gotten into yiur chair there wouldn't have been any problems? 😂😆😂 Don't you just love that? Fucking awesome. Ten out of ten would do again! Fuck yeah. Disrespect me and blame me for your shitty taste in boyfriends mom. I love it. Yup. Def ten outta ten.

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6/3/17 21:46 Day Ninety-seven

So. I come home. And within an hour mother and I are in an argument.

By argument I mean I asked a simple question inba deadpan tone and she looked at me like I accused her of fucking murder.

So I, having gone through this exact argument so many times before, raise my voice exclaming that I just wanted to know what was wrong with the cabinet that we already had, and that that was all I wanted to know.

Fast forward five minutes and she’s attacking my father for how I was raised to hate her.

Five minutes after that and she’s screaming and crying about how much I hate her.

And asking stupid questions like, “Why do you hate me!?”

Um maybe because you make me want to fucking kill myself.

And when I start to explain by bringing up my prefred name, and stops the crying bullshit and suddenly gets pissed off about how “ (such and such) is the name I gave you!” And I respond with how Del was the name I chose she starts up with “Well when you get the operation I’ll respect it but until then you are my son.”

Right.

Of course you will.

She starts up with how I’m gone for days and when I come home I “treat her like shit”.

When 90% of the time its her getting herself worked up.

I put my headphones in around the 10 minute mark.

She was going on for around 45 minutes or so.

I was done with it all at 5.

I stay out for days because I want to avoid this exact encounter.

She makes me want to fucking die.

Telling me that when I finally come home I come in on a high horse.

WELL WHY DON’T YOU GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE FROM GIVING BIRTH!?

PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE WITH A UTERUS AND OVIIRIES CAN GIVE BIRTH TO A HUMAN BEING!!!

BUT NOT ALL OF THE PEOPLE THAT GIVE BIRTH ARE MOMS!

BECAUSE GIVING BIRTH DOESN’T MAKE YOU A MOM!!!

SUPPORTING, RESPECTING, AND VALIDATING YOUR CHILD DOES.

And you don’t do any of those.

Like at all.

I can’t even get through an argument with you without you hitting below the belt.

Ever.

Kill me or save me.

I don’t fucking care.

I really fucking don’t.

I’m disgusting.

I’m bad at adulting.

I’m bad at being a human being.

Just kill me.

Please.

I thought I was going to have a good day.

I enrolled in that P.E. class.

I helped a friend pick out an outfit. (And she changed in front of me [score!])

I just want to die.

Nothing feels satisfying anymore.

Not my games.

Not my books.

Not hanging out with my friends.

Not even sex seems appealing anymore.

I can’t deal with this much longer.

I need help.

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6/2/17 20:57 Day Ninety-six

So. I’m feeling better.

I plan to take a class at the local junior college over the summer.

Probably a P.E. class.

Probably a combative class.

I’m not sure yet though. Definitely not a class that requires a text book. Its almost $50 a unit though… so… I need to also get a job. I got fired two weeks ago. Or around that time.

Anyway. I’m feeling better.

I haven’t seen my mother in over a week.

Thank god.

I might stay at my dad’s tomorrow. And I plan to go to an event on Sunday.

Its a munch or whatever.

Its through fetlife and its kink oriented and its apparently a BBQ. It sounds like it’ll be fun.

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5/31/17 00:50 Day Ninety-four

So… god. I’m fucking terrible at this. Fuck.

God. I’m a long way from home.

Yeah. Kill me.

I just.

I don’t even know.

I just don’t know anymore.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t even know.

Kill me.

I just want to go home.

But I don’t want to be around my mom.

I just want to find someone that lives around me who has a car so that if I need it they can come save me from my mind.

Someone I can text at 2 in the morning when I’m breaking down and they can save me.

I just want to be saved.

From me.

Because I’m tearing myself to pieces.

And I need someone to pull me back together.

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5/16/17 20:00 Day Seventy-nine

Yeah...

It’s been awhile...

A lot has happened. I totally fucked up my thumb, and I’m just feeling really down right now...

I don’t know why I am the way I am. And I don’t mean being trans.

I’m kind of a whore.

I try to get with pretty much all of my friends. And I fantasize about almost everyone I know. And they may seem normal, but I am toxic to be in a relationship with. I am distant at times, I keep my feelings to myself and don’t allow my partner to help. 

Add on to this my toxic relationship with my mother (seriously, Chernobyl is safer.) and my brothers.

I don’t know how to express my feelings in ways that communicate how I feel accurately. I can’t cry, I don’t feel comfortable being emotionally close to people. 

And on top of all of that I currently am not seeing anyone for counseling or  therapy.

It’s been more than two months and I haven’t even made any effort to see a gender therapist.

I need help but won’t try.

I just want to get away from my mom. It won’t solve all my problems. Not by a long shot. But it’ll help. A lot.

Escapism is damaging my life. It’s damaging my job and school. I try my best to stay out of my house as long as I can, days at a time if I can manage. But I still have to go back eventually. But it’s not home. Not at all. That woman refuses to call me Delilah, or even Del. 

WHY CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I’M NOT YOUR SON!? I DON’T EVEN WANT TO BE YOUR CHILD! You make me want to fucking kill myself. 

The other day I was skating around my work place and a shipping truck, eighteen wheeler, (it’s in an industrial area) is driving my way on his side of the road, and I seriously thought about skating in front of it. Just ending it.

Because I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. My mom is a big part of that, and then there’s the need to pick a career. 

“I don’t know what to pick.”

“Well what do you enjoy doing?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

“I mean that my toxic relationship with my parents and distant relationship with my siblings and my friends has led me to be detached from life as a whole, I understand the concept, but not the application. I’ve never really enjoyed anything enough that I would be comfortable doing it for the rest of my working life.”

I don’t know what to do.

I’m depressed, yet I laugh and smile and post pictures of myself.

I’m a fucking wreck. 

I’m sorry about not posting for so long. 

I’m probably just going to be a skipped notification anyway. 

I think I’m going to go to sleep..

Good night..

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2/26/17 20:27 Day twenty-three I also had a NBC purse.

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2/26/17 20:17 Day twenty-three

I went to the Sanctum with my sisters last Friday. I had a lot of fun. I saw my friend Al. Made out. Made plans. Will post pics.

[dumbbigtittedslut-deactivated20]

Reblog if you're into outer space and rough sex

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2/21/17 17:02 Day eighteen Ist spooder.

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2/21/17 16:51 Day eighteen

So my phone wasn’t as dead as I thought. I got some clothes from Ly and she got me a sports bra for my birthday on the 17. And my Pathfinder group for me a cake the night before. The weekend was pretty good. Spent it at Am’s. Work was good. I’ll be going to the Sanctum this Friday. I have a Fetlife. SleepyGirlYay. Feel free to follow. Anyway. I also caught a huge black widow at work today. Pics in the next post. I also have some selfies to share. Those will be in the post after the spider. Got into an argument with Cinbun, broke up, waited a few hours, talked, made up, got back together, is now polyamorous.

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2/16/17 3:41 Day thirteen

I had typed a long post about how I've been the past four days, but I guess the internet lost it? Anyway, my phone bit the dust, argued with mom, stressed to almost throwing up, managed to call Cinbun, calmed down, had my interview the next day, went okay, I'll share details after I talk to Cinbun about it, went shopping with Big Sis, got back, learned how to maje a really tasty soup. I got a two pairs of thigh high socks, one rainbow the other black and white, cute pair of panties, a cute sports bra, and the cutest little 32 A bra. I wouldn't have cut a post down that much normally but I'm tired. Good morning/night. Bai!

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2/12/17 10:39 Day nine

I got in a huge argument with mother yesterday and it boiled down to, "I am your mother, not your equal. And you will NEVER be my equal." All while up in my face and spitting in anger. Well mother you're right, I'm not your equal and I never will be, because I'll never stoop down to your level of threats and anger. On a better note, I took the dress in and got a medium which fits really well, got four bottles of nail polish, a shirt, and a NBC themed present for Cinbun. I'd tell you all but he follows this blog and I want it to be a surprise.

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2/11/17 9:16 Day eight Unfortunately the dress was too small. But I'll hopefully be able to take it back and get one a size or two up. I hope I can get Ly or Sh to go with me.

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2/10/17 19:12 Day Seven

I have a lot of news for today. I made my announcement at work and it went well. Really well. Dk actually called me Delilah, Ly taught me a little bit about make up, I bought the tablet that Kt had been offering, I spent over two hundred dollars, I got my ears pierced, aND I GAT A CALL FROM JOB CORPS AND I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT IN THE CITY ON THE TWENTY SECOND!!!!! This means that I can get up to and finally meet Cinbun!!!!! I am absolutely ecstatic!!!! I also bought a nice NBC (Nightmare Before Christmas) dress and bow. I will be uploading pictures later either tomorrow or Sunday. 😁😁😁

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2/10/17 6:33 Day seven

I'm telling my work place today... I'm terrified.

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2/9/17 23:06 Day six

I have barely posted today. I told a few more people. I also told my game group and they all called me Del and it was great. We rolled stats and finished the combat. And every time someone said bye as we were wrapping up they called me Del.

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2/9/17 10:15 Day Six

So I made a "Where I'm from" poem for school today. And I thought I'd share it with you. I am from Nicotine and smoke, From redwood and river. I am from pain and loss, From isolation and infatuation. I am from the man who says he is my father, From the woman who says she is my mother, From older boy and girls who claim to be my siblings. I am from the child who says he is my twin. I am from “You wonder why I’m mad at you.” and “Boys don’t cry.” I am from a catacomb of butchered and defiled trees, From my sleeping place and safe space. I am from late nights looking at glowing glass, From walls that yell with the voices of the man and woman. I am from strangers I like and people who don’t exist, who have told me they love me without question, doubt, or judgement. I am from teasing and name calling, From being made fun of because I am not the same as them. I am from “Grow up and act like a man” “Faggot” “Weirdo” “Stalker” I am from mean kids and oblivious adults, From friends who weren’t and strangers who were. I am from failing grades and upset parents, From wanting to die and pain self-inflicted. I AM HERE! I AM FROM MY PAST! I AM WHO I AM BECAUSE OF WHO I WAS! I am Delilah Mae Xenith. I am Transgender. I am from William. And I will be from whatever else this world can throw at me. Because pain is temporary. I’ve had enough to know how true that is. I am from Nicotine and smoke, I will be from Jazmin and mist. I am from redwood and river, I will be from wherever I go. I am from pain and loss, I will be from love and gain. I am from isolation and infatuation, I will be from a loving family that I make for myself centered around myself.