the nosebleed column

sports commentary and analysis from the guy in section 221, Row 19 seat F.

[notasportswriter]

The No Fun League (possibly) strikes back

The NFL knows how to break what isn’t broken. Two years after dramatically relaxing unreasonably restrictive rules regarding celebrations, the NFL may go the other way. According to Mark Mask…

The NFL continues the war on its own users, and returns to proper form by legislating the exact amount of allowable entertainment value that can be extracted immediately after a moment of violent televised entertainment. Fans universally panned the decision right up until the moment a free safety came up with a big interception while his team trailed by 20 points in the fourth quarter, and celebrated his accomplishment on the 30 yard line. After which, fans universally panned the player for entertaining while simultaneously losing.

More at 11.

[notasportswriter]

[notasportswriter]

The New England Patriots chanting “we’re still here” isn’t inspirational; it’s bullying.

I thought the NFL better than this.

[notasportswriter]

A Maniacal Performance

It’s still too early to tell if Indianapolis Colts quarterback Andrew Luck has it in him to earn a comeback player of the year title. What is becoming abundantly clear is that while the Colts offense sputters showing flashes of brilliance, the defense is clearly establishing an identity of its own and leading the charge is a 23 year old rookie from South Carolina State.

Not only is Darius “The Maniac” Leonard emerging as the focused and elusive defensive leader, he leads the rest of the league in nearly every major statistic. 

Did I already mention he’s a rookie?

[notasportswriter]

I’m quite aware it’s football season.

I’m quite aware there’s tons of material out there.

I’m working on it.

[notasportswriter]

Half-assedly Stumping for Javy

I had about six paragraphs typed up here before I realized there were more words wasted on the objectively accurate but objectively unfair tactic of my brethren in sports media to conflate “Most Valuable Player” with “Most Statistically Impressive Contributor” than were proffered about why Baez should be a lock by any other measure.

This is, after all, a blog written by a Cubs fan who lives ten minutes away from that ball park at the corner of Clark and Addison. Anything put up would ostensibly be clutch homerism and no one would be wrong to stand up and say “wait a minute, of course you’re gonna say give it to Javy” and you'd be right. 

Don’t @ me.

Anyway...

Here’s ESPN doing its thing.

[notasportswriter]

Entire State of Ohio Stunned to learn Urban Meyer is actually a Piece of Shit

Ohio State has suspended coach Urban Meyer through Sept. 2 without pay. Meyer can rejoin the program after Sept. 2, but will not be allowed to coach in the team's first three games.

Read More

[notasportswriter]

UPDATE: Cubs remember how to Baseball

Up 4-1 at the time of writing, the Chicago Cubs, the city of Chicago and Anthony Rizzo’s back collectively send their thanks to third-baseman David Bote for putting points on the  board, taking the load off of a team devastated by a five game inability to swing the goddamn bat.

[notasportswriter]

BREAKING: Cubs Offense Reduced to Thoughts and Prayers

Five runs in five games. Yu Darvish didn’t die for this.

[notasportswriter]

dave is not a sports writer is going through some changes. Pardon the dust, partake in the strange...

[notasportswriter]

Cole Hammels: NL Central Jesus

I literally have no words for this. Just read the damn article.

[notasportswriter]

A-Rod’s having a rough day.

[notasportswriter]

NO CONTEST, COMEBACK PLAYER OF THE YEAR A LOCK FOR LUCK

After heaving three consecutive passes to wide receiver TY Hilton, and showing a remarkable return to form-Andrew Luck stunned fans and coaches a like in his training camp debut-prompting analysts and commentators alike to conclude that there's no contest as to who 2018's comeback player of the year will be.

ESPN Analyst Brolin Buffaloherd-a former outspoken naysayer of Luck's talents ahead of his 2012 1st round selection was quoted as saying: "Andrew Luck is the future of the NFL and this is apparent after three passes coming off shoulder surgery. This kid is unreal.

Luck's consistency through surgery dazzled the remainder of the day as he immediately threw a wounded duck over the middle, looking for receiver Chester Rogers; the ball went high and was intercepted by Matthias Farley in the backfield, who returned the ball for a 45 yard touchdown.

"He's a lock."

The real article is here.

[notasportswriter]

SLIGHTLY MORE TERRIFYING HEADLINE: CUBS BULLPEN REDUCED TO ANTHONY RIZZO AND BEN ZOBRIST’S BEARD

We’re not that far from it, people.

[notasportswriter]

ANTHONY RIZZO: GOAT.

Anthony Rizzo finished Monday night's series opener against Arizona with a 0.00 ERA after his single mound appearance in the 9th as his team trailed by 6. This feat marks the greatest statistical exhibition of pitching the MLB has seen, followed up only by continued excellence and consistency as Rizzo hangs up his elusive curveball and returns to his day job as the Chicago Cubs stalwart first baseman. But the rest of us will remember him for who he really was: the greatest relief pitcher of all time.

[notasportswriter]

The Curious Case of Bryce Harper’s .214 Batting Average

The Nationals slugger’s upcoming free agency has been talked about for years. But even after a home run derby win, questions about his approach to the shift persist.

Here’s an article everyone knew was coming the minute Harper dinged number 19. If you’re into paraphrasing: blah blah blah, Bryce Harper just won the Home Run derby, but he’s hitting .214, low hanging fruit, the obligatory nod to ‘the shift’ topped off with what else is there to talk about with Bryce Howard: free agency.

Everyone applaud.

[notasportswriter]