Are you my first kiss? I remember that night, we sat together in that springy bungee chair of yours in your kitchen. Everyone had gone to bed so somehow, I don’t know how it happened, you were sat beside me in a one person chair but we made it work for two. We snuggled under your favorite blanket and just reclined in the chair, talking, getting to know one another. I told you I’m not confrontational unless I have to be so you said ’ go on, be confrontational’. I could tell by your tone what you meant but I couldn’t believe what was happening so I asked what you meant and you told me to tell you what i think of you. So I said it. What you probably already knew, I think you’re a not a bad looking lad at all.
You joked that I was average at most which did make me feel a little bit insecure because I already feel you’re out of my league but you saved yourself by letting me know you think I’m very much attractive. And excuse me for my memory fails to let me know how the kissing started. The only thing I remember is you just leaning forward, closing the already small gap between us and our lips touching. A new, weirdly wonderful and wonderfully weird sensation. Then we made out. Fuck, it felt good. For a beginner, I was pretty adventurous, pulling on your lips, I even shocked myself. I never understood why people say they got ‘lost in the moment’ but in that moment I was going down a new road and was so close to losing myself in us. You told me we could stop whenever I wanted to 'I don’t want to rush you into anything’. I like how you used rush, like this was a long term thing in that moment. Although it was difficult, I had to stop. I want to wait for someone I’m in love with, whatever love is.
We stopped and we cuddled and you fell asleep. You snored so loudly, especially right by by ear as you hugged me. But it was warm and comfortable. Dangerously comfortable. So I quietly slipped out of your arms, tucked you in and left.
I texted you asking you not to tell anyone about the making out because I don't usually do that. Maybe that was the wrong thing to do. Because ever since, we haven’t spoken about that night at all ( apart from you called me a babe for tucking you in). We’ve spent time together, and sometimes go through some time not speaking and I think we’re not compatible but when we speak it’s effortless and comfortable and we flirt and time just ticks away but i feel it’s too late for you to be You. Maybe our moment is gone and I should learn from this and be ready for when You, the real You.
If it is you, it wouldn’t be so bad. Though, I’m scared you’ll hurt me. That you just want have sex. We both joke that I have a bad image of you in my head but deep down I know you’re not a bad person. That night we kissed told me that. But it just keeps my feelings safe to think you’re not a nice person. That you’re my cheeky bad lad friend. But you really are nice. And also cheeky. You’re just not nice enough to make me feel safe in the idea of us which is sad. It’s both pleasant and alarming when I learn something new about you that contradicts the image I want to have of you in my head. If this is You, step up your game please. I want to feel flowery things I haven’t felt before and have a reason to kiss you for no reason because frankly, I can’t stand the tension. Plus I’d rather not add you to the list of almosts.
Maybe overtime you’ll fall for me and make a case. I’d say I would but I know myself. I’m really good at squandering potential feelings and letting you go unless you make me feel safe to let them be. So if you think we could make something big and abstract like The Feels, soon would be nice.
If it’s not you, then I don’t know. We can be friends, we’re cool like that.
