not even santa fean

Santa Fe has some of the best food in the world, but I can almost guarantee that anything you find outside of New Mexico that is "Santa Fe style"... isn't. I grew up there and moved to Seattle about 10 years ago. Finding authentic New Mexican cuisine has proved near impossible, yet there is no shortage of corporate brands with products masquerading as such. That's why I've taken on the task of compiling these edible(?) abominations in the hopes of exposing them for the illegitimate misrepresentations and culinary counterfeits that they are.

[notevensantafean]

Denver's ten best green chiles

If you were born and raised in Denver, you are, by default, a green chile geek. And for those of you who popped out elsewhere (New Mexico notwithstanding), and simply don't get why we're so besotted with suffocating our burritos, enchiladas, rellenos and French fries with verde, we can only...

HEY DENVER! You woke the sleeping giant with this one. This reads like an New Mexico-centric Onion-esque headline. The article itself is just as bad. 

[notevensantafean]

SO there is a reason there hasn’t been a post in a very long time: For the last year or so I’ve been hard-pressed to find any new imitation New Mexican food, or any food brandished with the words “Santa” AND “Fe.” In addition, the items featured on this Tumblr have been disappearing from the shelves at an alarming rate. Even things touted as "southwestern" are ghosting. So I can only conclude that I bore witness to and documented a marketing “Craze.” It was a collective failed experiment on the part of Big Food, and one I can’t help to think I brought to an end (There is no way I had any part in that, the crappy-ness of the products did that job just fine.) But I’m proud I’ve what we did here, especially because no one in the media(except The Reporter) seemed to take notice of the offensive trend. So I’ll leave it up for if you ever need to show your grandkids a comprehensive list of products included in the “Faux New Mexican Food Craze of 2012-13.” Who knows, it might just start back up again in the future. I do want to note that our dreams did come true and currently Whole Foods in Seattle carries REAL DEAL frozen Bueno® Autumn Roast green chile. It’s delicious and HOT so bought I 9 of one pint containers and I implore you and every New Mexican you know to do the same so we can keep those suckers on the shelves and in demand. Pleeeeease! That’s all, Bueno-bye.

[notevensantafean]

What do I win? 

[notevensantafean]

"Let us enchant you in New Mexico Land"  You guys I'm on it.  Welcome back and Stay tuned!

[notevensantafean]

You guys, I did it!  Please send me all the green chile. Thank you.

[notevensantafean]

I've been looking for a container of this in the wilds of the grocery store aisles for a while, but to no avail. I guess there's no demand up here in Seattle, where the salmon cream cheese dominates the shelves.  But The Reporter brought the recipe page to my attention and it was clear that this was an issue that needed to be addressed forthwith. What EVEN IS cooking cream?  Serio.

[notevensantafean]

On safari at my local Value Village I happened upon this grotesque display of nature. As I gazed on in respectful amazement The Lion King soundtrack's "Circle of Life" popped in my head, and when you think about it isn't a quesadilla a quintessential circle of life?

R.I.P. El Paso Quesadilla Maker. 

[notevensantafean]

Also at QFC, this was featured in the photo from the article in The Reporter, but I finally found it.  It was hiding by the BBQ sauce.  I'm actually a huge fan of Lawry's seasoning salt so I might just have to give this a try some day.  Only 30 minutes?

[notevensantafean]

Aaannd we're back. Sorry, I've been really busy... living.

Quality Food Center is dishing out this confusing take on our favorite salad in their deli. What, no tortilla strips? No lettuce even...  But black olives and kidney beans? Grody. Is this not a gumbo?

[notevensantafean]

Dis(sentery)continued: Maybe, just maybe, spelling "bowls" the extreme way, with a "Z", if pronounced phonetically, might sound a little too much like "bowels".  My advice to the Taco Bell creative department is you may want to steer clear of anything that could bring attention to the digestive system.  It's as if you never learned the lesson of "Make a run for the border." 

[notevensantafean]

Here's some non-food related New Mexploitation on Seattle's Capitol Hill.  Whenever I'm apartment hunting I always check to see if this place is leasing. Though something tells me that's not adobe construction. 

[notevensantafean]

Looks like El Paso has a competing quesadilla maker to fill up thrift store shelves.  The red chile handle is a nice touch. 

[notevensantafean]

This is outrageous! How dare they continue this burrito exploitation of Santa Whaaaa?  I...um...hmmmm. You almost got me there Sweet Earth.  For all I know this could be a perfectly authentic Santa Cruz burrito. Well played. 

[notevensantafean]

Having already conquered (conquistadored?) the Greek salad in popularity, The Santa Fe salad continues it’s march towards Rome to face the mighty Caesar.  

[notevensantafean]

Mild Mannered:  Lil Woody's has scrumptiously satisfying burgers, dare I say the best on Capitol Hill. I always thought food in cartoons looked astonishingly delicious (especially you, Ninja Turtles pizza) so I really appreciate that, to me, the hamburgers at Woody's look just like the kind that J. Wellington Whimpy ravenously scarfs down in Popeye.  

At Woody's The New Mexican is seasonal.  They serve it year round, but you can only get it with Hatch Green Chile three months of the year. Otherwise you're getting the inferior Anaheim Chile Pepper (altering the sign twice yearly is why the word "Hatch" looks all wonky on the menu). The green chile they ship up tastes great and smokey, definitely the real deal, but there is a disappointing lack of heat.  It's just not spicy (why do I feel weird using "spicy" to describe green chile?) at all.

That queso sauce is ok, though I don't know where in New Mexico you'd find that sort of thing on a green chile burger.  Just plain ol' bright orange cheddar compliments the chile best for me.  

So, Fiveohfivers, I say go eat your fill of all the burgers at Woody's, but get this every now and then(when the chile's in stock) just to remind you what green chile tastes like. 

FYI:  My favorite green chile cheese burger in NM is at Horseman's Haven. Brother, I tell ya, it's the size of a dinner plate, you have to eat it with a fork, and don't get me started on the chile there. Let's just say, it has one hell of a half-life. 

[notevensantafean]

Back at Whole Foods: If I drank more soda I would most def drink Blue Sky.  Blue Sky is to New Mexico as Faygo is to Michigan/Juggalos. Whole Foods has a whole shelf of it, but no Dr. Becker, Blue Sky's equivalent of Dr. Pepper. I'm convinced that's where the Ted Danson show "Becker" got it's name.  He's a doctor in the show! There could be no other explanation.

Also, I'm not about to try this Posole Soup.  Looks more like a chowda to me. 

[notevensantafean]

I love the premise of your blog. Born and raised in Santa Fe, I have lived in Washington D.C. for the last eight years. I always joke that if anything around here is "Santa Fe style' it means there is corn sprinkled on top. Well, my boyfriend and I are traveling across the country beginning June 7 and I'd love to submit "Santa Fe food stories" from our travels. Interested?

YES! YES, I love it.  Please be my travelling correspondent!  I’m eager to see what’s out there on the road.