It’s all too easy to look back as an adult and say, “What a stupid kid. I should have known better!” I remember my therapist once doing an exercise with me where she had me picture the little boy I nannied. She said, “Imagine finding out he was going through something like you did...would you tell him he was stupid? Would you say he should know better?” Of course the answer was no! Why is it so much easier to grant compassion and forgiveness outwardly?
I’m trying every day now to give compassion to my younger self...my 8 year old self, my 13 year old self, and even my 22 year old self. Even if mistakes were made as an “adult”, I need to grant myself the leniency of youth and forgive it.
Story time: when I was about 13, I was living with my grandma and had to walk to the school during the summer for band camp. One morning I headed out and shortly after leaving the house it began to rain. I knew my grandma couldn’t drive me there (she ran a home daycare), so I tried to go quickly and find a shortcut. I cut between some houses and under peoples bushes as the rain started coming down harder. I started to panic...I’ve always had a major fear of being late to things, coupled with the fact that my adolescent self didn’t want the attention of walking into band camp soaking wet, I lost track of where I was amidst the panic. I ran through another few back yards (it was POURING at this point) and all of a sudden came out of a row of bushes to stand in front of a largish body of water. I FREAKED OUT. Why is there a body of water in the middle of a neighborhood?! Is it raining so hard that my town is flooding?! Where the heck am I even?! Have I strayed so far from the school?! I knew I could get in trouble for skipping camp but I didn’t care at that point. I turned around and sprinted the other direction. I soon came upon the parking lot of a trucking company where I ran and hid under a semi. It was lightening and thundering, raining proverbial cats and dogs, and I sat under a semi at 13 years old...bawling my eyes out. I was scared. I was embarrassed. I knew I was late to camp and couldn’t go in that state. I knew my grandma would be mad that I didn’t go. I knew she’d be mad when I walked into her house soaking wet and getting the floors all soppy. I didn’t know what to do. I sat under that semi for a few more minutes just crying, and then I got up and ran home as quickly as I could. I just knew I would have to face grandma eventually and I had faced worse than her before. I got to the door, took a deep breath and knocked, and when she opened the door I braced myself for the torrent of anger coming my way. But instead she pulled me in, quickly exclaiming, “What happened?! Are you okay?! Why are you crying?! (How did she even noticed when I was soaked through?)” She told me to run into the bathroom and get my wet clothes off and take a hot shower. She brought me a warm towel (did she really take the time to pop it in the dryer for me?) and clean clothes. She then made me tea and listened sympathetically as I told her what happened. She didn’t yell. She didn’t call me stupid. She didn’t tell me I should have known better. She granted me compassion. For a long time that day embarrassed me because I now I know that it was in the middle of a small subdivision and they have their own pond, right smack dab in the middle of town. I know now that I was about 2 blocks from the school when I saw it. I know now that hiding under a semi in the middle of a thunderstorm was probably not a good idea. But, I also know now that sometimes when I’m afraid I disassociate. I also know now that I was a kid and it’s okay that I didn’t know what to do. I also know now that even adults become afraid and sometimes just don’t know what to do. So, I leave you with this today: if you ever find yourself feeling ashamed of past mistakes or feeling self-hatred over who you used to be, imagine you’re talking to a little kid. Picture that little kid going through what you were going through. Speak love and understanding to that little kid. Give them warm towels, hot tea, and a compassionate listening ear. Thanks for attending my Ted Talk. ✌️
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