E

Venting. Once every two years, or once a month. I don’t know how to use tumblr. I’ll use this as a “if when maybe” diary for when i feel like i can’t express the feelings i have, situations that im embarrassed of or feel down.

[notspecialbutalive]

Guess i am talking to myself

It’s okay tho.

I’m used to it.

[notspecialbutalive]

Is there anyone out there? Or am I talking to myself?

❤️

[notspecialbutalive]

The nigerian traits, the nose that is supposed to be pretty and flat, just looks like an old sack of potatoes, the nostrils aren’t the same size. Surgeon told me that i first and foremost need to lose weight, and on top of that, he couldn’t “fix me”. I’ve seen before and after pictures. With my bone structure it’s almost impossible. I’ll always look similar to this. And I don’t want to be perfect, i just want a symmetrical face. I want to left in peace. I don’t want children to have fun and laugh because of me. I don’t want to look like this monster.

[the-goddamn-plant-monster]

current/ former cleft babies on here, talk to me. I wanna see how many of us there are and maybe share experiences and stories

[notspecialbutalive]

Yup

https://notspecialbutalive.tumblr.com/post/665040946219679744/things-that-bother-me-right-now-my-classmates

Things that bother me right now. My classmates are fake and trashy, they bother me, use me but pretend to be nice to me. As soon as i turn

[notspecialbutalive]

Things that bother me right now.

My classmates are fake and trashy, they bother me, use me but pretend to be nice to me. As soon as i turn around my back they give each-other looks, laugh, giggle and everything else. I know for a fact that they make fun of me when I’m not around, probably to the extent of sending each other memes that resemble me cause of my weight or nose.. idk, i just hate having to think about them. I mean i have about 7 months left of them and I’m just trying to be calm until i can get rid of that burden.

Two 10-12 year olds were pretty much laughing at my looks today, i sat with a friend. I actually yelled at them and asked if there was a problem, and of course they denied it. All so innocent shitty raised up children. I want children in the future, but i don’t want my kids to be embarrassed of their mommy because of the way she looks. I would really hate that for my children. I wouldn’t want my children to be affected by that. I mean, of course you’ll meet a shitty raised child or a dumb parent nonetheless, but atleast i would try my best to teach my children the value of someones talents, personality traits and so much more that isn’t referred to the way a person looks like.

Was really worried today that my grandmother would be drunk when i come home, was trying my best to dread it actually. Had a phone call with my auntie telling her how mean my cousin and her friends could be to me (referring to my story up there), and that it used to hurt me before as my self esteem was low and now I’m more confident to stand up for myself. “Why didn’t you tell me? You should’ve” well, i could, but i was teasing my cousin lots too and caused drama scenes and wanted all the attention i could grab. Prolly my ADHD.

For some reason people don’t like me, never invite me to do fun stuff, eat or just watch a movie. And the problem is, i don’t know why. I mean it’s obviously because of me, but what? Is it because i don’t fit societies accepted beauty standards or is it because im too loud and want attention? Is it because I’m not interesting? I wish people could fill out like a google forms and do a review on me explaining why they don’t wanna be my friend. I would obviously get sad but i want to know. I’m curious, and that I am desperately.

[notspecialbutalive]

idk go check my low self esteem page if ur bored i just started so

[notspecialbutalive]

rn i feel so shitty i'm craving kik or snap.. i'm just gonna chill on instagram it's sorta a ghost account i guess but yeah gives me something to do. and i'm a bit peckish but not gonna eat cuz it's just not worth it to me rn to get dressed, go down and eat something cuz i have no appetite i guess. i've written too much on here in my opinion now so imma write some other time when i feel like it. ( if theres even anyone who is reading this ) bye

[notspecialbutalive]

kids are mean bastards, even i was too .. i got mocked then and still get mocked by them now they just say mean things and it really does hurt me a lot, it makes me feel even worse about myself since i have no self esteem... at all. people who have known me for years or just for a while irl might not register it as much as new people do. i don't even look interesting lol i'm honestly ugly and yes i am putting myself down by saying things like these but it's never gonna change, only if i do in the outside...i'm crying while writing this, i havent cried properly for a while now since i have moments where i feel numb.. or wait let me correct that

i always feel numb and dissociate.. only when it comes to me i feel a little bit. i guess.. my personality on kik is so cool i guess i even break hearts and you know what? it has made me feel great big and powerful at times but then sometimes i do feel bad for doing it to them.. it usually starts off w someone who really really is my type and i pretend without my consciousness that i like the person and flirt and say cute stuff, like things they want to hear and i tell them things about me and later on after like 2-3 weeks to months i try find any excuse to leave them for good since i actually don't want to open up about the REAL me and the naked truth i guess...

[notspecialbutalive]

well this night i cried a bit because i started thinking about my cleft palate again. my mom/aunt (i live with her) has told me i look so much nicer without makeup and i've only woren makeup like 2-3x since i moved here but i don't know how to take a compliment since i never get any?? and if i do it's on social media like kik where everyone likes my personality and have never seen my face properly since i always hide it with emojis and filters.. they never seen my body either because i'm fat. i'm like 172cm and weigh 123-130kg idek but somewhere around that and honestly i feel ugly because i am, theres a difference between being standard looking and being ugly, i really am ugly, it's just a fact and everytime when someone irl tells me i'm pretty or whatever i can't take the compliment bc i either think they are joking or they just feel sorry for me. i'm half nigerian and half white and honestly i don't even like myself because of my looks. My nose is obviously nigerian but really deformed because of the cleft thing and i have a huge scar above my lip which makes it look more horrible, one nose hole is bigger than the other and when i talk my lips look weird because the upper left side of my lip is paralyzed a little (from my sight) so when i even open my gob i just look silly i guess. then i have fucked up teeth, my second front tooth never showed up because of my clefty thing so now i have this tooth replacement which looks alright but my teeth are so yellow you notice the difference and that it's fake but it doesnt make me look like some weird lunatic i guess.. then my hair is completely fucked up i have dreads and no money to fix it so i'm going to try talk to my relative to get it fixed sometime i guess.. my body? covered in a lot of scars i guess i don't mind them a lot but since i'm so big i always sweat and i swear to god when i'm in a supermarket and see myself in those safety cameras i'm just like woah you're genuinely ugly lol. i wanna change everything about my looks, literally.. i want to get me a damn sugar daddy and fucking prostitute myself to him i guess so i can be pretty but i don't even think someone would want me since i stink and am ugly plus fat lol

[notspecialbutalive]

oh ok just noticed that was a title, i will prolly never figure out how to use this fucking app