some days i sit back and realize just how lucky i am. i married a man with the kindest, purest heart and somehow i am also blessed with in-laws who welcomed me like their own. i watch how my in laws treat their children — with patience, with love and warmth — and i thought to myself is this what a loving family supposed to feel like? a home without fear?
because in the house where i grew up, voices were always raised, mistakes were met with anger. love felt like something i had to earn. everyday i had to brace myself for the thunder. for years i thought it was normal. perhaps i was the problem.
now as i build my own life, my own home, i carry a fear deep inside me. i fear that i’ve somehow inherited her temper and that i’ll repeat the same cycle. that i’ll fail the way she did. what if, despite all my efforts, i pass down the very pain i swore to leave behind? i see glimpses of it sometimes — the way my voice rises too quickly at the slightest frustration.
but my husband — my sweet, patient husband always knows how to get around with it. he meets it with calm. with patience and love.
i’m aware breaking the cycle won’t happen overnight. i know healing isn’t linear. but i also refuse to let my children grow up in fear the way i did. i may not have had parents who showed me gentleness but i have a husband who does. and for that i am forever grateful.
one day, i will give my children the love i always longed for.
romaincrisis
jacobvanloon
theartofmadeline
yousharknotpass
