not falling, but rising

[nottiedtotheground]

On the Topic of Emotions.

As we know, I'm pregnant. 6 weeks today, actually. This means that I am of course feeling overly emotional.

Well, I just went and did a really fucking stupid thing and hurt myself in doing so.

I looked up my husband's reddit account (the username I know of) and scrolled through the posts he's made using that account. I'm not sure what brought me to do this other than pure boredom and curiosity, I guess. I've always thought he had a real talent when it comes to writing, and sometimes it comforts me to just read his words, even though it's usually about things I either don't know much about or don't care much about (his big 3 interests are weapons, PC's, and video games).

My husband is a recovering heroin addict. This was the first thing I ever even knew about him when we met almost 10 years ago. He has been sober for over 5 years now and is doing so great, and I'm so proud of him.

I found a post that he wrote about his childhood and how he found his way to heroin. I didn't know all of the details, and I don't think I really wanted to. I'm at work just trying to keep it together because I am so heartbroken for my husband. But, I feel like I can't say anything to him because now I feel as though I've betrayed his trust.

So, that's how my day is going.

[nottiedtotheground]

Day 6 of knowing I’m pregnant.

I felt pretty good all day until about 9pm. I went in the soon-to-be nursery (currently the ferrets’ playroom) to change the puppy pad in the ferret cage, and saw a bloody stool. It’s my boy’s 4th gotcha day tomorrow, so he’s about 6. He was my first pet of my own. I’m so nervous. Just going to be keeping an eye on him to see if there’s anything else going on. If we see any more blood or anything, I’ll bring him in. But due to his age and existing health problems, I think that will be it for him. Trying to stay positive but inside I am a complete wreck. I can’t really think about anything else.

[nottiedtotheground]

Day 5 of knowing I’m pregnant.

My puppy ate chicken bones out of the garbage today. I don’t even know how he had time to. I put them in the garbage when he was in the other room, and when I looked over literally 12 seconds later, I watched him eat the last piece.

I’m so stressed out over this. What the hell am I supposed to do if something happens? I don’t have any bread, so I just made stuffing and I’m waiting for it to cool down before I give it to him.

Today has been royal shit. The weather sucked, work sucked, dinner sucked (my fault), I’ve had a headache all day, and now this.

I just want to go to bed.

[nottiedtotheground]

List 5: Memories from elementary school.

1. I remember sharing a locker with a girl named Victoria and always being jealous that she had all name brand things, but mine were all hand-me-downs.

2. The French fries.

3. Playing kick ball in gym class.

4. Having to run the mile for the first time.. on my birthday.

5. Book fairs.

6. Learning how to read a clock and tell time.

7. Going to church every morning before class (until I switched to public school in the fourth grade).

8. Friday pizza lunches.

9. I took an after school clay making class in fifth grade in the art room. I think my mom still has this huge hideous clock that I made for her.

10. Getting my hair dyed for the first time. I did blonde & red highlights in the fifth grade.

11. Seeing my little brother in the hallway and watching his teacher have to physically stop him from running over to hug me.

12. The bathrooms were always gross.

13. In kindergarten (Catholic school), I spit in a girl's face because she stole the checker game box from me.

14. In first grade (Catholic school), I had to stay after school every day for a week to clean with the janitor because I colored my desk with Sharpie.

15. Also in first grade, I had to stay late for another week because I got caught essentially teepee-ing the bathroom.

16. When I was a kid I got frequent nose bleeds. I remember one time in fifth grade I was walking down the hallway wearing my brand new knit poncho that I had gotten for my birthday, and out of nowhere my nose started downpouring and destroyed my poncho.

[nottiedtotheground]

On The Topic of (Not) Keeping Secrets.

Day 4 of knowing I'm pregnant.

I told my Memere today. That's somehow the closest I've come to crying so far. She means so much to me and it was extremely touching to see how truly happy she was. She's going to be a Gran Memere again! So the updated count of people that know is: Me, my husband, my mom, my MIL, my FIL, my Memere, one of my friends, and her mom.

I've been pretty much non-stop listening to pregnancy podcasts, trying to soak up all of the knowledge that I can so I'm as prepared as I can be, because this whole thing is terrifying. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm very open to listening.

Still no nausea, but I'm still slightly more sensitive to smells, and very congested/stuffy and overall feeling tired and yucky. It basically just feels like I have a cold.

I took another pregnancy test today. For some reason it was comforting to see that second line again. Almost like another validation that this is real. I sort of feel like it hasn't really hit me yet.

It's pretty common knowledge that pregnant women should try to avoid stress, but how is that even possible? I legitimately cannot comprehend how someone going through this could avoid being stressed. There is a literal person being created inside of your body, and you will have to push it out a tiny hole after 9 months. Tell me that's not stress-inducing.

More things were added to our registry today, I took a cute picture of one of our dogs with that pair of baby shoes that I bought, and I made plans with my mother-in-law to paint the nursery next Saturday.

My period was supposed to start today. It's strange to know that I won't be having a period for 9 months.

Anyway, I'm exhausted so I'm going to bed after I fold the laundry.

[nottiedtotheground]

List 4: Colors.

1. Red

2. Orange

3. Yellow

4. Green

5. Blue

6. Indigo

7. Violet

8. Pink

9. Brown

10. Black

11. White

12. Tan

13. Aqua

14. Turquoise

15. Teal

16. Lilac

17. Beige

18. Lime

19. Chartreuse

20. Seafoam

21. Tiffany Blue

[nottiedtotheground]

On the Topic of Shoes

Day 3 of knowing I'm pregnant.

This morning I went shopping with my mom. I think it's been about 2.5 years since we went shopping together. We aren't very close.. that's a story for another time.

I made my first baby purchase- these little blue sneakers. They are now living on my living room bookshelf. I plan to use them for our announcement photo shoot next month. They are SO cute.

I'm probably dehydrated, because water is tasting really gross to me right now. I'm still congested and overall feeling yucky. Still not nauseous, but smells are starting to bother me.

Went out for what will probably be the last "fancy dinner date" before I'm noticeably pregnant. It felt really nice to get dressed up, since that doesn't happen often.

We went to a French restaurant in a nearby town and the second we walked in, the restaurant smelled horrid to me. My husband said it just smelled like food, but it smelled incredibly sour to me. Even though it was pretty chilly outside, I was thankful that the hostess sat us outside.

It was quite expensive, so we only ordered appetizers and desserts. I felt terrible that my husband didn't really enjoy anything. I did enjoy most of the food, but I was extremely bummed that half of the menu was seafood, because I obviously have to avoid that right now.

I'm still so nervous I could puke, but it's slightly less than 2 days ago.

[nottiedtotheground]

List 3: Things you love about Autumn.

1. That morning chill.

2. The smell of the air.

3. Trees changing colors.

4. Halloween.

5. Apple cider.

6. Candy.

7. Costumes.

8. Salem.

9. Frosty grass.

10. Soup.

[nottiedtotheground]

Potentially some TMI here..

Day 2 of knowing I’m pregnant.

I’ve peed approximately 6 times today and it’s only 1pm. Still aggressively not hungry. Going to force myself to eat some apple slices after my lunch break again. I haven’t pooped in 3-4 days. My cramps are pretty killer, my head is foggy, and I just feel generally icky.

Made my first OB appointment, scheduled for November 10th at 2:15pm.

My husband seems to be more excited than nervous, but I’m wondering if he’s putting up a front to help calm my own nerves. Probably.

I started our baby registry on Amazon. I’ve looked at baby stuff before obviously but I had no idea how many options there were. For everything. It’s overwhelming.

We have a “puppy party” with our dog trainer and another one of his clients after work today. Hoping that will take my mind off of all the craziness for at least a little while.

So far the people that know are: me, my husband, my mom, his mom, and one of my good friends (most likely her mom as well). I’m so grateful I decided to tell my friend, because she already checked in with me this morning. It’s so difficult not to spill the beans to everyone I talk to.

My goals for this weekend:

Meditate.

Take the dogs for a nice long walk.

Potentially start painting my lower cabinets that I’ve been putting off for a year and a half now.

Clean the bathroom.

Don’t tell anyone else that I’m pregnant.

[nottiedtotheground]

List 2: Favorite songs.

1. Gravedigger - Dave Matthews Band

2. Motorcycle Drive By - Third Eye Blind

3. Into the Ocean - Blue October

4. Fifteen Fathoms, Counting - Bring Me the Horizon

5. Breathe (2 AM) - Anna Nalick

6. Twin Size Mattress - The Front Bottoms

7. Hero - Family of the Year

8. Sex & Candy - Marcy Playground

9. Octopus's Garden - The Beatles

10. Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd

11. The Giving Tree - Plain White T's

12. You & Me - Dave Matthews Band

13. You're Not Alone - Saosin

14. Perfect Symphony - Ed Sheeran ft. Andrea Bocelli

15. Point/Counterpoint - Streetlight Manifesto

16. Learning to Breathe - Switchfoot

17. One Foot on the Gas, One Foot on the Grave - Streetlight Manifesto

18. Mama - My Chemical Romance

19. First Class - Rainbow Kitten Surprise

20. Transatlanticism - Death Cab for Cutie

21. Love Shack - The B-52's

22. Stickup Kid - Atom Smith, Burkey

23. Any Man of Mine - Shania Twain

24. Goodbye Earl - the Chicks

25. Dancing in the Moonlight - King Harvest

26. Newport Living - Cute is What We Aim For

27. Rebubula - Moe.

28. Start From Scratch - Passafire

29. The Carpal Tunnel of Love - Fall Out Boy

30. Lazy Eye - Silversun Pickups

31. Corazon Sin Cara - Prince Royce

32. G.O.A.T. - Polyphia

33. Honestly - Cartel

34. Your Graduation - Modern Baseball

35. Breezeblocks - alt-J

36. Landslide - Fleetwood Mac

37. Take A Chance On Me - ABBA

38. Ripple - Grateful Dead

39. Intergalactic - Beastie Boys

40. Mr. Jones - Counting Crows

41. Sirens - The String Cheese Incident

[nottiedtotheground]

On the Topic of Change

I just learned today that I am pregnant.

My husband and I got married on July 30, and I took my last birth control pill on August 4 because we knew we wanted to start our family quickly. Less than 3 months later, here we are. I am so nervous that I could puke.

For the past year or so, I've been really digesting the quote, "if you wait until you're ready, you'll be waiting forever." I don't remember where I first read/heard that, but it stuck with me.

Yesterday (10/20), I woke up with a very bad sore throat and headache, so I called out of work. Within 30 minutes (while my wonderful husband was making me pancakes with Reese's pieces), I suddenly became more nauseous than I have been in as long as I can remember. It passed within 5 minutes or so, but all day I was extremely fatigued.

This morning, I woke up feeling like someone ran my head over with a bus. I was incredibly congested and it felt like I had a migraine. No nausea, but after yesterday, I decided I should probably take a test.

I used a pregnancy test strip from the brand Pregmate, but the second line was so unbelievably faint that I truly thought I was making it up. My husband said that he saw it too, though, so I decided to take a digital test after I got to work (I couldn't take off 2 days in a row with no PTO available).

I brought a digital test with me to work, but I didn't read the directions, so I did it wrong and the test was invalid. I had to wait until my lunch break to make a quick trip to Walgreens to purchase a new one. I got back to work, peed on the stick, and 3 minutes later: "PREGNANT."

How am I supposed to keep this to myself for up to 10 weeks? By my calculations, I'm about 2 weeks pregnant right now. I am so terrified that the unthinkable is going to happen that I can barely control my trembling. My new biggest fear is that I will get so attached to the idea of this life growing inside of me, and I will lose it before it ever has the opportunity to breathe air. Is that morbid, or is that normal?

What does pregnancy and birth look like during a pandemic? Am I going to remain this panicky and anxious the whole time? Am I going to feel this lousy the whole time? Will I get my energy back? Am I going to feel this not-hungry for long? Will my pets be good with the baby? Is it going to be a boy or a girl? What will they look like? How will I feel? Will I have PPD? How does maternity leave work? How much of the doctors bills will our insurance cover? How will we pay our bills when I am unable to work? What do we do for childcare once I have to go back to work? Will I be able to give my pets the attention they deserve while also being a human mom?

"If you wait until you're ready, you'll be waiting forever."

I just have to keep reminding myself:

We are in a good place. I am in a good place. We can do this.

I can do this.

[nottiedtotheground]

List 1: This week’s “to-do” list.

1. Vacuum the bathroom.

2. Take out the garbage.

3. Take out the recycling.

4. Wash the pets' bedding & towels.

5. Sweep & mop the kitchen.

6. Go through the hutch.

7. Clean under the kitchen sink.

8. Pay the water bill.

9. Pay my therapy balance.

10. Find a new blog theme (maybe).

11. Plan next week's dinners.

12. Go grocery shopping.

13. Make a doctor's appointment.

14. Clean the front porch.

15. Donate a bag of clothes.

16. Get ready for project 333.

17. Find a new podcast.

18. Write every day.

19. Read every day.

20. Drink 64+ oz of water every day.

[nottiedtotheground]

Today, I am grateful for my husband. Life is scary, but he helps to keep me grounded and in the present. He’s a dreamer, but he is also a realist. When I get too far ahead of myself, he brings me back. Every time. I know I could get through on my own, but I’m so thankful that I don’t have to. His support means everything to me. 

More changes are coming.

[nottiedtotheground]

Lists

I may just be a poor “Googler,” but I was searching for a list making challenge and didn’t find one that was quite right, so I’m creating my own. They can be as long or as short as needed. The goal is to get something written, maybe jog some creative thoughts. Everything is open to interpretation and/or change. 

List 1: This week’s “to-do” list.

List 2: Favorite songs.

List 3: Things you love about Autumn.

List 4: Colors.

List 5: Memories from elementary school.

List 6: Holidays.

List 7: Books you love.

List 8: Places you have visited and/or lived.

List 9: What is on your Amazon wish list.

List 10: Changes you would like to see in the world.

List 11: Occupations.

List 12: Podcasts you have listened / actively listen to. 

List 13: Things you love about Winter.

List 14: TV shows that you have watched.

List 15: Animals. 

List 16: Books you want to read.

List 17: Topics you enjoy talking and/or writing about. 

List 18: First names of people. 

List 19: Games you have played. 

List 20: Things you love about Summer.

List 21: Places you would like to visit and/or live.

List 22: Changes you would like to make to your home.

List 23: Movies you like. 

List 24: Dog breeds.

List 25: Things you love about Spring.

List 26: Concerts/shows you have seen and/or would like to see.

List 27: Words you can never seem to remember how to spell.

List 28: Things you might put on your bucket list.

List 29: Regrets you may have. 

List 30: Favorite bands.

List 31: Things you love about where you live.

List 32: YouTube channels you enjoy watching. 

List 33: Pet peeves. 

List 34: Colleges/Universities.

List 35: Names of animals/pets that have crossed the rainbow bridge that you still think about, whether it be often or from time to time.

List 36: Things you don’t like.

List 37: People that have inspired (and/or continue to inspire) you.

List 38: Types of clothing.

List 39: Things in your home that bring you joy. 

List 40: Scents you enjoy. 

List 41: Websites you frequent.

List 42: Languages. 

List 43: Subscriptions that you have/had.

List 44: Things you have hung on your walls.

List 45: Foods you enjoy.

List 46: Things you miss from childhood.

List 47: Weather.

List 48: Places.

List 49: Things you do every day.

List 50: What you love about yourself. 

[nottiedtotheground]

I’m not quite sure what I want this blog to be, yet. I don’t know that I’ll ever truly know. There will be lists, venting (I’m sure), writing challenges, and whatever else speaks to me. 

New England is my home. Animals are very near and dear to my heart. Family is scarce nowadays, but those that remain are extremely important to me. 

Over the past year or so, there have been a multitude of significant changes in my life- all for the better. 26 was a year of learning; here’s to hoping that 27 is a year of growing.

Cheers to change.