NOW the HERE

Poems from the Middle of Nowhere

[nowthehere-blog]

Old Elephant

I keep turning out

To find answers to doubts

That shake me with a shout

That I didn't hear coming.

 I don't know what I want;

This world is like a taunt

From an old elephant

Who knows some secret.

 It's like life is haze and my mind a glass

That grows foggy the longer I exist;

No answers to my plight, only questions –

And the old elephant laughs on.

 I see others wearing labels that suit them fine.

Why is it I can't tolerate mine?

I must be the problem, nothing from the outside.

And so here I am.

 What would make me happy?

To not take everything so seriously.

To see the same the old elephant sees,

And to allow myself to truly laugh.

 Because I'm bored.

I'm tired of being moored

By a culture that has lost its humour –

And now seeks only to despair.

 But look, I did it again:

I went outside as opposed to within.

I'm scapegoating that happy old elephant,

And being so serious.

 My joke is my own life;

To turn on it the judgemental light,

To expose exactly what I find

When I look in.

 Everything else is sonorous sound;

Rumblings up from caves deep down

Where only the Silent can be found –

Silence without smiles.

 Why can't I be humourous all the time?

That is when I am at my highest.

I sink so low I forget my desire:

To laugh along with that old elephant.

 I just feel tired;

I need energy from the fire

That burns inside others –

They fuel me life.

 I've learned that I am in great need

Of affection from irises I see

And the smiles I make for real

On their faces.

 That to abandon what you love so as to learn;

To give up hope of a return;

To sacrifice in order to turn

A mind into matter.

 If I died right now I would regret

That I couldn't get back to the kids who're sick;

To the smiles of friends and beloveds

Who I turned away from.

 But look, again have I achieved

A sombre inversion of reasoning.

But I can't help but desire everything

Outside to be as it was.

 How am I to juxtapose

A life fuelled by others, spent alone

Pining for smiles and laughs that flow

From the affections of the past?

 I just want to be happy;

And here I am trapped

Between now and eternity –

So I suffer alone.

 When I am alone, I am in pain;

I feel I need others to verify me,

Without which I 'straight am nothing' –

And am not at ease.

 So help me please!

Give me a guide.

Someone or something to categorize

Me: Solve my riddle.

 I died to learn what I needed to know

To help others who were afraid to flow

Like the water that comes from snow

Found on the arete.

 And then I flee to isolation,

Friends, family, and occupation

That gave me opportunities to question

So as to learn.

 Am I retarded?

Or too clever and have out-smarted

My own best judgement for catharsis?

I should have stayed home.

 But I didn't and now I believe

I understand me more clearly;

For who I am is made real

Through love for others.

 Perhaps it was a mistake to come out here.

But then I wouldn't have learned that fear

Shakes in horror when shown the mirror

That loneliness carries around.

 If I was my friend and I messed up

I'd be the first to say 'Pick yourself up!'

Life is about making mistakes and bad luck –

The trick is not to despair.

 Admit when you're wrong and improve;

Fall down because that'll help you do

The one and only thing that is true:

Become better.

 So now that I have exposed my sorrow,

I can gaze ahead to tomorrow.

Should I die right here right now

At least I have learned this:

 I did everything I could to be

As strong as I could, even though I failed

I learned my limits through my trials –

Now I can relax.

 I don't not have to save the world.

I can allow myself to let go of control.

I have found a new peace of my soul –

And learned to laugh along with the old elephant.

C

[nowthehere-blog]

Dead Leaves

Strange how to drink the languish of dead leaves –

A fermented brew concocted of grapes or berries –

Has the effect of embering up courage

In the sodden, sullen brains of the culture-wary.

 Is it the plants who speak to us? Our minds

Flashing with joy and desire as we photosynthesize

A latent language we must feel instead of read:

The alphabet of ancient foliage.

 A "way of being" insinuated through drink,

And a self-esteem pummeled by culture is now reclaimed.

Strange how to drink the language of dead leaves

Rekindles old courage enflamed in those still living.

[nowthehere-blog]

Mr. Mosquito

Mr. Mosquito, I don't hate you; I don't want to kill you. But you won't leave me alone. You remind me of my dreams, Your tenacity as annoying As my buzzing conscience That drains me of the very stuff I need to survive - hope. Mr. Mosquito, I don't hate you. No. Who I really hate Is myself

[nowthehere-blog]

Why Am I Here Again?

Blue and white to see, Wasted time forming no memories Of a life I’ve lived and yet do not see, In the maelstrom of Binary.

Jaws slam closed as data flows From me to you to them; Bloody likes in the water, Attracting famished fins to the slaughter.

Red roaring boredom slices through And shakes and shakes The absolute truth we all hold dear: That your corporeal quietus will make An immortal digital surrogate, So we log on and say:

Look at me Livin’ this life that’s fake! Look at me Tryin’ to lie my way out of the grave. Look at me Fabricate to friends. Look at me!

Why am I here again?

[nowthehere-blog]

Anti-Magic Illusion

Stop trying;

Contriving a fake-believe life!

You know you're lying,

And so do I

And so do them –

Just look around you!

 And you'll see,

All the liars

Transparently,

Like clear water:

You both appear here

And yet you're not!

 Who are you and what do you do?

Do you have a job?

Are you a contributor to

This anti-magic illusion

in this all-too

Serious world?

 That we made

With frowns,

Bundled up and sold on shelves,

Hastily designed by a

Ravenous snake

Eating its own tail!