Freaky Gallery of Interests

Personal Blog. my place to post whatever. "Quick n Dirty" About Me: Hobbies: cooking, baking, hiking & camping. Interests: bio, chem(particularly nuclear chem), physiology, french and danish, weird/scary movies, music: 80's synth to 90's triphop, muse pearljam & alice in chains, black sabbath, to edc type house/dance, black keys->outside lands stuff Soft spots: animals (tigers snakes rotties, mastiff's & pitts- in particular) & kids. Movies/docs contrasting the theme of horrid loss or profound pain with equanimity & graceful perspective Peeves: meekness paired with cowardice, and self absorbed, ignorant, 'trashy' bitches/rude assholes. Favorite sleeping position: right side Male celeb crushes: sam heughan dwayne johnson and shemar moore Female celeb crushes: christina hendricks, dakota blue richards, katherine moenning Female role models based on roles: rachel weisz, meg ryan, ashley judd, uma thurman and natalie portman. -background photo by Gawrila Ghul

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goddamn it. i fuckin relapsed after nearly 9 years without self harm.

i just had to do something about my feelings... and the ineptitude i was experiencing.

it could look worse. but i went back to the blade more than usual. one deep cut and done? not this time. more like practice scratches and several deeper.

it helped tremendously. but i'm worrying that this might be a slippery slope -not to like endangering myself.. but to relying on a negative coping mechanism for relief.

it's the only thing that i know that takes it all away. much like a highly addictive drug, it makes everything else stop and i feel temporary peace from the internal maelstrom.

[bitchuser]

[weirdandcreepygifs]

[saintkerosene]

[noxstopxandxxgo]

still think of you often and miss you loads damian. my heart hurts not knowing if you're ok. come back to me

[noxstopxandxxgo]

why is growing up so hard sometimes. my identity is morphing and my emotions about it are seriously all over the place...changes from day to day really. my clothes are fitting differently, my thighs are thicker, and the realization that i don't give a shit about fighting it is just the physical end of it. that part- i kind of love..the self acceptance is a new thing for me that was lacking in my early twenties. the harder stuff that I'm struggling with is that all of a sudden, I'm missing all sorts of people like mad. some of them are people i shouldn't be missing too. it's like this phenomenon is my way of hanging onto parts of me...but it also makes me evaluate that maybe not being the same is for the best. i get to refashion myself the way i want to be, instead of feeling oddly subjected to something out of my control. this newer me is more confident, oozes it, and has self commitment - just as some of the latest features I've been able to acquaint myself with. those people in my past and i have been on divergent paths for so long now that it wouldn't necessarily be possible to recapture even the best parts of what we had. I'm just different now. and I'm still getting used to it.

ps. damian wherever you are i miss you too my dear

[noxstopxandxxgo]

its become my nightly ritual to go to bed watching wristcutters (2007). its tonality of dysphoria fits real well with my attitude lately. i told my friend/first love micah the other night that i thought i was meant to be alone. i am a destroyer. every love that comes my way i destroy. apparently its not that i’m hard to love, but i materialize catastrophe where there should be peace. i just...can’t figure out how to be any other way with people that really really love me. exceptions there are, of course, but that’s a different entry, for another time. i’m staring at a future i never thought i’d want for myself as a child. when the goal and sole imperative of life was to fall in love and be in love. nowadays it’s become about how much i want to fulfill my aspirations for the self. self and only self can come along successfully for the ride. when i play with fire, casualties abound and i get burned. i don’t feel like being anyone else’s mistake again. so i’ll avoid trying. things with w are still going on its true, but at a glacial pace and after five months i can say fairly sure- that we don’t love each other.... we love each other’s company. i can only surmise that this is “working” because of that very thing. the space between us keeps me safe. keeps him safe from me as well, so it hasn’t imploded yet. but if this does keep static we’re honestly going nowhere but our own separate ways in a year or so when w decides to move on to a new town. maybe, just maybe i’m ok with that. meanwhile, i’m a smoker. worse and more regular than ever before. so that when i do die someday, it’ll be after i’ve accomplished what i wanted, but cut me down far before i have the bitterness of growing old alone. i think that’s the subconscious goal in that habit picking up steam the way it has this year so far. whereas others are sluts for happiness, i’m gonna sit on the acknowledgment of my pro’s and con’s to the life i’m choosing. i’m dysphoric, but high functioning.

[slavonic-witch]

Слава Велесу!

Moved some things around the shrine, changed the embroidery, nothing crazy. If you want to see how it look before: (link)

[simena]

WILLIAMS Walter Heath

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I love your blog!

babes, you need not be anonymous to tell me that :)

[roserosette]

Swollen Stigma, 1998, Sarah Pucill

[supermodelgif-deactivated201409]

“Le Cirque”, Thierry Mugler F/W 1995

[lunasabatica]

Maya Kulenovic, Carrion, 2005.

[simena]

Gorus Pieter

[sugeknife]

[sictransitgloriamvndi]

The Nightmare 1530 ~ Anonymous Flemish Master…

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damian-

i’ll miss you. i hope you’re not gone for long and my introvert ways didn’t make you feel too shut out. if any of this is my fault I’m sorry. I hope someday you come back soon. you’ve really become very important to me