Good Form.

This is where my heart is. Listen to it breathe.

[npauj--ntxhee]

On to the next decade.

30. I can’t believe I’m here.

I remember so clearly the start of the last decade of my life. Let’s take a stroll down memory lane as I walk you through my twenties. 

When I turned 20, I had just gotten my drivers license, basking in my new found freedom in the old Toyota Previa that had no AC and bad brakes. My mom had just been released from the hospital after being admitted for acute bronchitis. I decided I wasn’t going to be the bad daughter I’d been all my life anymore—I was going to change and love my parents as best as I could.

A few months after I turned 21, my mom passed away in a car accident. I spent nights dreaming of her and waking to the nightmare that she was gone. But I decided to let this pain fuel my faith rather than my fear or anger. I kept going, stronger than I ever was before.

At 22, I was the skinniest I had ever been (under 100lbs)...and the saddest I’d ever been. I learned that having faith in God’s plan doesn’t mean the pain goes away, or that you won’t ever feel hurt or weak again. But it’s through the pain that we truly grow stronger.

At 23, I was a junior in college, compromising my standards to just feel loved by someone else.

At 24, I had my undergrad degree, my first big accomplishment since my mom passed. I was engaged. Then a few months later, I wasn’t. But I had made such good friends in college who helped me through it all and who continue to do so to this day.

I was 25 when I went on a mission trip to Southeast Asia where I met the craziest, most wonderful kids and learned that the key to connecting with others is to go at it with a curious, child-like heart.

At 26, I met a guy and spent the next year and a half in blinded bliss with him, thinking I would marry him someday. 27 was full of him, loving him, wanting him to be the one God had planned for me all along.

Then at 28, I was alone again. I was heartbroken and sad and angry. So I did what heartbroken people do—I picked up the pieces and moved away. And I kept going, as best as I could.

At 29, I’m living in a new city in the middle of a pandemic. But I’m thankful that I’m at a job I love, and I’m part of a team that genuinely cares about me. Finding friends in your late twenties is difficult for an introvert like me but I’m learning to be okay with that. I’m quite sure I do better alone anyway but it does get lonely sometimes.

And now I’m here at 30. The insecurities from my past still linger. I don’t have my life all together and tied neatly in a bow. I’m not where I thought I’d be a decade ago. But I’m here. I’m present and alive and growing. And that’s the best thing that anyone can be—present, alive, growing.

Cheers to 30, on to the next decade of my life. 🥂

[npauj--ntxhee]

Hello, New Year.

I thought about starting this with bidding farewell to 2020 but given all that’s happened this year, I would rather do a welcome to the new year instead. Not that 2020 didn’t have its good moments. If anything, 2020 has shown me the power of isolation and its ability to bring people together. I don’t think I’ve ever missed anything more than in the moments where it was taken from me. And this year, there were a lot of things taken from us.

I had just gotten back from a birthday trip to visit my sister in Colorado when the mandate to isolate came to Minnesota. It was the strangest shift I had ever seen, and it felt like it happened overnight. My in-person meetings moved to Zoom, which I had to quickly learn to navigate as the operations person of the team. And trips out to the stores drastically ceased. My family wasn’t one of those who stocked up on food and toiletries so thank God we never ran out of those necessities during the first wave of panic. But the strange thing was that even though we were forced apart, I felt even closer to those around me. As sad as it may sound, there’s a sense of security when you’re behind a screen. And this year, I allowed myself to be vulnerable and transparent with my team in a way that really connected us to each other. And as for my family, the reality of what was happening around the world hit that much closer to home and it made us reach for each other even more. For instance, I had a four-way FaceTime call with my sisters for the first time ever this year when even before the pandemic, we all lived in different places and could’ve easily done a call like this in the past. But it took knowing that we couldn’t meet physically to bring us together.

It was a hard year, no doubt. Isolation is not always good. It can be extremely lonely as well. I definitely felt that weight this year. But we made it through to a new day every day. And I do believe that is something to celebrate.

Happy New Years!

[npauj--ntxhee]

It’s the small things.

All I needed was a moment of joy to turn my whole day around.

I had a word slip this morning during a prayer meeting—you know, when you’re thinking of two things to say so you end up saying a completely unrelated and sometimes made up word. Yeah. Then that word slip led to a memory of my little brother slipping up during one of our family’s nightly prayer times. Let’s just say that the tones in the Hmong language matter...a lot. The meaning of a word changes completely with the inflection of the tone. That memory of him then led to the memory of my mom scolding us in Hmong to “stop laughing” during prayer and us trying (and failing) to stifle our laughter.

Gosh, I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. And I’m still laughing. It feels good.

Thank you, memories.

Also, I miss you, mom.

[npauj--ntxhee]

Schmuel’s Song.

I’ve been on a broadway/musicals kick recently and I have something to say but can’t say to anyone because I don’t know anyone who loves musicals as much as me so I’m writing it here to release what’s been on my mind. (Yes, a run-on sentence seemed appropriate).

A few nights ago, I watched “The Last Five Years” on YouTube (free with ads). My natural melancholy, need-to-feel-all-the-feels self enjoyed the film but as someone who has experienced heartbreak, I know I’ll need to limit how much I rewatch it. Anyway, I fell in love with The Schmuel Song when I first heard it (Jeremy Jordan does such an incredible job!) and now, after many more listens to the song, I just have to say that I love Schmuel’s story. When I go back to look at what others have said about the song, everyone talks about its meaning for the film--Jamie pushing Cathy to pursue her dreams rather than just working a day job. But no one talks about Schmuel’s story! This tailor who dreams of making the most perfect dress is magically given all the time he needs to make said dress and then he gives it to his future wife to wear! That’s just the sweetest tale in my mind!

I know it’s not a big deal to a lot of people but it is for me. The storyteller in me just loves a tale that comes full circle in a fanciful way.

Just my two cents.

(And if the last 30 seconds of the song doesn’t melt your heart, I don’t know what will....)

[npauj--ntxhee]

Overcome Evil with Good.

I’m sitting here wondering what I should say...what I should write. I’ve always been a very careful person, not wanting to offend others when I speak or write. But oftentimes, that leads to me saying absolutely nothing. And in this case, saying absolutely nothing isn’t an option.

Injustice is real. Discrimination is real. Abuse of power is real. And yes, we need to stand up for those who are going through injustice. When their voices are silenced, we must raise ours louder. But the reality is--the only one who is truly JUST is God. We can fight for it all our lives and never get it perfect. Only God can do that. So yes, call out the injustice and take your stand. Be a voice for the voiceless and oppressed (Proverbs 31:8-9). But then let it go to the One who has the final say. Only by His mighty hand can there be hope and redemption for humanity.

I’m not a fan of public protests. It gives ground for angry and hurt people to come out of the shadows, even if the protest started off peaceful. The violence that started with a few ignorant officers have now spiraled into the community and it needs to stop. We cannot see change through violent acts. The only way to peace is through love.

The apostle Paul says it best:

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceable with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Romans 12:9-21

[npauj--ntxhee]

A thought on Bible college.

I was reading today and randomly remembered something that was said recently. It wasn’t spoken directly to me. It was more of a passing statement. But I took notice of it because I fall into the category being addressed.

“I didn’t go to Bible college so I don’t know as well as those who did.”

I’ve heard that statement more than once since I graduated from Bible college 5 years ago. And it always gets me because there’s a misconception in that statement: that Bible college students know more about the Bible and/or God than those who didn’t go to Bible college.

I know, many times when that statement is said, it’s not meant to be negative. It’s usually said in defense in case something said about the Bible or God is said incorrectly. And honestly, when someone says that, I’m quite flattered. They think I understand more because I went to formal classes that taught about the intricacies of Scripture. The part about attending formal classes is true, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think those classes helped shape my view and study of the Word of God. Because they did, very much so. But I believe that individual study of God’s word is so precious and pure that God honors that kind of obedience even more than formal class lectures. He enjoys watching you earnestly seek Him, even when you have no clue where to begin. My deepest moments of connection with God and His word were outside of the classroom, in my own private time of seeking and reading His word and consulting with sound resources outside of the Bible.

That’s the thing about God--He wants to be known by you. You don’t have to spend thousands of dollars to be taught by professors with years of study and experience under their belts. You can meet Him and find Him in your own quiet time with Him.

Yes, Bible college is amazing and I would never trade those years for anything. But wisdom comes to those who seek Him, and you don’t need a classroom or a degree to do that.

[npauj--ntxhee]

The Hidden Place.

It’s crazy to think that I’ve been living in Minnesota for a year now. Seems like just yesterday I was packing up my car to begin the long road trip up north. But what a journey it has been.

Early 2019, I was going through a hard time and needed a change of scenery. Georgia had become too familiar so I packed up my things and left. I do still have moments where I wonder if it was the right decision. Georgia is and will always be my home. But I don’t doubt the good that has come from my decision to move. God knew I needed this time away to learn and grow.

Much of what I’ve been learning doesn’t necessarily warrant a move. It can be learned anywhere. But for me, the move helped me realize it and see with new eyes. And I want to share with you two things I have learned in the past year:

1) Living in a bubble accomplishes nothing. I’ve been stuck in my Hmong community bubble all of my life, even in college. And it’s only now that I see how much good there is in extending friendship outside of my Hmong community.

2) God will not stay confined in the box you’ve created for Him. It’s not in His nature. He will show you that He is more and can do more than you can ever think of or imagine.

Since moving to Minnesota, I have experienced God in a completely new way. In Georgia, I built my mind around who He is, which is crucial to the Christian life. “The heart cannot love what the mind does not know” (Jen Wilkin). Now in Minnesota, I’m learning how to build my heart around who He is. For too many years, I had let my mind and knowledge of who God is get in the way of simply enjoying and loving Him.

I was recently encouraged by a word from a friend: “You have discovered the hidden place where Jesus is--like Mary, who chose what was better by sitting at the feet of Jesus.”

npaujntxhee.

[npauj--ntxhee]

The other day I made the courageous decision to step outside of my home to go to the grocery store alone. In all my years of living, I have never been so afraid to be out in public. And it wasn’t even because of COVID-19. I wasn’t afraid of possibly catching the virus. No, my fear came from another place. It came from the fact that I am Asian-American.

The stories of hate crimes committed against Asians have been lining the media. And in all honesty, it scares me. I consider myself fortunate that the last time I encountered racism was in kindergarten. The color of my skin was not an issue growing up. I had more people bash on my faith in God than on my ethnicity. But in the past few weeks, things have changed drastically. And it’s sad really--how I now have to fear for my life when I step outside my front door.

You can bet I’ll be praying for divine discernment and renewed strength and hope for the Asian community in America. This spirit of fear does not come from the Father.

[npauj--ntxhee]

Down Memory Lane.

Isn’t it interesting how our memory works? We don’t always remember all the little details of everything that has happened. But the things that mattered--that made us feel some sort of way--those we can remember with precision.

Like when I think about making no-bake cookies, I remember the friend I had in high school who would share her delicious no-bake cookies with me every time she made it simply because I told her they were amazing (which they were). She was even kind enough to print out a copy of the recipe which I idiotically lost. You know what I remember about her though? She was the last person you’d think to be kind-hearted. She was a spunky girl who dressed like a skater with thick eyeliner and multiple piercings. But I will never ever forget those no-bake cookies she shared with me because they were delicious and the simple act of her sharing with me made me feel warm, welcome, and included.

Or the one teacher I had in high school who every day for about two weeks would challenge me with a word puzzle (”wuzzles” we called them) until the day I actually created a wuzzle out of his name and he admitted defeat. One of my proudest moments of victory that I will never forget. Haha. This teacher made me feel confident, proud, and smart during a season where those qualities were seldom felt.

Maya Angelo was right. People will forget what you said and did, but they will never forget how you made them feel.

[npauj--ntxhee]

One year.

Exactly a year ago, the trajectory of my life took a sharp turn. The hopes I had built up shattered in the course of one heartbreaking conversation. Thoughts on if this was real flooded my mind. How could I let this happen again? I’ve had a handful of rejections in the past but for some reason, this one hurt the most. It is the hardest when you bare your soul with another human being and they deem you unworthy to love.

The stages of grief are real. I lived it the past year--the shock, pain, anger, depression, upward turn, reconstruction, and acceptance. The acceptance is the most liberating stage. Accepting that this was not a mistake. God had planned it so and because of the hope in Jesus, I can look forward in joy to the future. More than anything, this season has taught me to let go of my self and all my desires to a God who has good things planned for me. Sometimes a good thing in our minds isn’t a good thing in God’s mind. And that’s okay. Relinquishing that control to God is the best thing we can ever do.

So here I am, one year later, seeing the fruit of that loss of self.

What a journey it’s been. What a journey it will continue to be.

[npauj--ntxhee]

It’s midnight and I should be sleeping but instead, I’m sitting on my bed weeping. My heart is indeed heavy tonight. When this specific heavy thought swirls in my mind, I can’t help but cry and think how it’s not fair. But I can hear the Holy Spirit in me whispering for me to forgive—to let go of this hurt and simply forgive.

I find that when my heart is most heavy, it helps for me to turn to Psalms. Reading Psalm 34 and finding solace in the words of God.

I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. (34:4-5)

Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! (34:8)

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. (34:18)

Thank you for your words of peace, Lord.

[npauj--ntxhee]

So long, 2019.

I reread the post I wrote on this day a year ago and quite honestly, I’m in a better place today than I was then. I went through months of depression in 2018 but saw none of that this year. Praise Jesus, God is good!

At the end of 2018, I said I was ready to receive all that God had in store for me. I didn’t expect Him to give me something so hard right at the start of the new year. Yes, it’s true--I faced what I considered my deepest loss at the beginning of 2019. And it hurt and it sucked and I cried for months (still cry even now). I remember during a particular dark night, I was thinking about how much was taken from me and saying to myself, “He took everything from me.” But the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart in that moment and whispered, “The one thing he can never take is Jesus.” Oh, what truth! What first started out as sorrow and shame turned into rejoicing. The Holy Spirit surely does guide us into all truth (John 16:13). Rather than let the pain of what happened numb me, I used it to grow instead. To grow in hard, neglected areas of my life. And so far, there has been such good fruit in this season of growth. It’s exciting to know that the best is yet to come!

One area that I know God is definitely growing is my self-confidence. This inward confidence has worried me my whole life. Even if I can fake it on the outside, the inside is where it truly matters. After so many rejections, it’s natural to wonder if you’re ever going to be enough. It’s in the face of being enough that my confidence wavers. But this year specifically, God has been speaking and showing me my true worth in Jesus. The truth of the matter is that in this fallen world and this temporary life, no, I will not be enough. But with Jesus where my eternity is secured, I am enough. Resting in Him, knowing Him, loving Him is enough. Accepting it is the hardest part but there’s so much freedom in accepting it! I can be confident in all that I am because all that I am is in Jesus.

In a few short hours, a new decade begins. Wow. Praise be to the King who has protected and preserved me this far and will continue to do so into the next decade. I will follow Him into all the unknowns where He alone knows.

“Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long.” --Psalm 25:4-5

[npauj--ntxhee]

The Man at the Well

The sun shone high in the sky as its rays warmed the earth to an almost unbearable temperature. It was noon, about the time for her to gather her bucket and head to the well to draw water. Everyone in the town thought it odd for her to draw water at the well at such a time. The midday heat made the chore much harder so the women would go in the early hours of the day. But not her. She gathered herself and started the long trek to the well.

As she walked, she allowed her mind to wander. Perhaps that would distract her from the permeating heat. She wasn’t very well liked in this town. She could hear the whispers when she walked by, and she felt the stares that followed her everywhere she went. It used to bother her but now, she’d grown immune to the treatment she received from the people of the town. She chose to simply ignore them and avoided being with the towns people as much as possible. It’s not like she was welcomed anyway. But sometimes, when she just couldn’t block out the whispers, she’d hear phrases like, “What a shameful wrench,” “Does she have no honor or dignity,” or “She’s good for nothing.” And when those words reached her ears, she felt a sting of hurt pierce her heart. No matter how hard she tried to not let the words affect her, she still fell prey to the town’s degrading comments.

Was it so wrong for her to want to be happy? To yearn for a fulfilling love? That’s all she wanted, and if one man couldn’t give it to her, then she would move on to the next. It made sense in her mind. She knew there was an emptiness in her heart—her soul—that someone had to be able to fill. That’s why the hole was there in the first place, right?

She trudged on down the road, droplets of sweat forming above her brow and lining the back of her neck. Of course, she despised the heat. But this was the only time of the day she would be alone at the well, away from the scrutiny of others. So she bore with the heat, valuing the solitude more than the beaming rays of sun on her back.

But today was different. As she neared the well, she saw a man seated by it looking exhausted as he held his hand to his forehead to shield his eyes from the sun. She didn’t recognize him as a man from the town and figured he must have been a traveler. As she took more steps toward him, he shifted his gaze and his eyes met her curious ones. She held her breath for a second—those deep brown eyes were so warm and welcoming. She quickly averted her eyes to the ground, not wanting to come off as rude.

“Hot day out, isn’t it?”

He had to be speaking to her. There was no one else around but the two of them. She took a quick glance up at him, making absolutely sure that he was speaking to her. She nodded, gaze to the ground once again.

“Indeed, it is.” She answered politely.

“It’s an odd hour for someone to be drawing water from the well. Wouldn’t it be more prudent to draw water during the cool of the day?” The man said.

“I prefer to draw water at this time.” She answered plainly, hoping he wouldn’t pry for details. He was obviously a foreigner; she could tell from his accent. And she didn’t feel the need to share her life story with a stranger. She placed her bucket down by the side of the well, preparing to draw water. Since the man had already started a cordial conversation, she decided to carry it on.

“Where are you traveling from, sir? I know you’re not from here.”

“I have come from Judea. My companions and I are on our way to Galilee. They’ve gone into town to find food and drink.” The man answered.

She stopped her work to look at him now, one eyebrow slightly raised. Her suspicions were right. This man was a Jew. She focused her attention back to the well, lowering her bucket to draw water.

“They have been gone for quite some time now. Would you be so kind as to give me a drink of water?” The man asked. She pulled her full bucket up from the well, resting it on the well’s walls.

“How is it that you, a Jew, ask for a drink from me, a woman of Samaria?” she asked. She knew the social laws between Jews and Samaritans—she grew up learning that they were forbidden to speak or interact with one another. In the eyes of a Jew, Samaritans were dirty and not worth the time or energy.

To her surprise, the man smiled. He stared at her with an intensity she had never felt before.

------------------------------------------------------------

It’s been a while since I’ve done some creative writing. The story isn’t complete, of course. If you didn’t know, it’s in the point of view of the Samaritan woman from John 4.

I currently have more time on my hands so maybe you’ll see more pieces. I’m definitely rusty though. Need more practice. Haha.

npaujntxhee.

[npauj--ntxhee]

His Steadfast Love.

I noticed a common theme in the book of Psalms.

“...for his steadfast love endures forever.”

The psalmist alludes to God’s steadfast love quite often. 26 times in Psalms 136, in fact. And as a woman who often feels inadequate, that truth has brought much comfort to my heart in this season. God’s love for me is steadfast--immovable and constant. It does not waver, even when I’m most unlovable. And the best part is: His love endures forever. Not just now or ten years from now, but forever. From everlasting to everlasting.

Bask in that truth, my friends. Let it sink into the very depths of your soul.

His steadfast love endures forever.

[npauj--ntxhee]

2018.

I know...how typical...writing a reflection post on New Year’s Eve. But I don’t think it’s wrong to be typical sometimes.

It’s been an interesting year for me. Many joys and triumphs, I can definitely say that. But I hit some really deep valleys as well. Despite all of that, one thing remained: Jesus. In my highest of times and greatest joys, Jesus was present. And in my lowest valleys and deepest sorrows, Jesus was present. Before I was even thought of, Jesus was present. And in the uncertainties of tomorrow, Jesus is present. I’ve been reading through the Psalms and meditating on His steadfast love. Imagine if God’s love was conditional and changed with the slightest emotional pull. His love would be a lot like mine--imperfect and lacking. But I’m so thankful that it isn’t. I’m thankful that His love is unchanging and unconditional. When I think about God’s love, I’m just in awe. How could anyone love little ol’ sinful me? But God says, “I have loved you with an everlasting love” (Jer. 31:3). His promises are true and I know I can trust in His word.

As I think about what is ahead for me, I do get scared and worried. But I’m so glad that my God is faithful and sovereign over all, even in my anxiety for the future. I trust in His promises and His perfect timing. I’m ready to receive all that God has in store for me in 2019.