NPD vents

A place for pwNPD to vent about whatever

[npdvents]

Hello and welcome

This blog is a place for pwNPD to vent about really whatever they want.

There’s really no rules, just don’t be weird.

Sign offs are allowed, refer to this post for claimed anons

Reminder that all vent posts are not representative of every pwNPD

[npdvents]

Honestly I feel pretty bad about the fact that we're unmasking now

We believe our NPD traits / symptoms have been around a while but we didn't notice it until recently, and our friends of course had no clue about it

So now that we know about it we feel more confident letting these things out even though we used to keep them hidden,, like we actively call ourselves better outloud when we used to only think it, we show our lack of empathy even though we used to hide it

And yeah we keep most of our traits hidden still but we're showing a few and it makes us feel bad because to our friends we've just suddenly changed, and even though we told them we're pretty sure we have NPD and they seem supportive it still makes us feel bad

It’s fairly common to feel bad about expressing those symptoms. Society has demonized a lot of those symptoms so I don’t blame you one bit for feeling bad.

[npdvents]

we used to be borderline in this toxic friend group (we never really spoke to anybody, not for any particular reason though) and today someone told me the full story of what happened the other day and it just about is gonna make me crash

they invited me and this one girl to a halloween party in the 8th grade (years ago), then all went upstairs to the owner of the house's room to talk shit about us and to get away with just sitting in a room and talking shit they made this other girl fake the fact that a family member died (i am good friends with that girl, she is chill and i feel bad she was forced to be involved) and then even *told me and the girl who they were talking shit about to stop people from coming up*

they even invited us to stay the night so i had to wait out front on the sidewalk and wait for my sister to drop off some clothes while this one dude yelled really loudly (everyone went outside atp) about why faking a death is really fucked up and why it's not okay

only recently (literally today) did that girl that was forced to fake be upset at a family members death did i learn the actual reason that shit happened that night (mind you when me and the other girl they were talking shit about stayed over, we were the only ones and the host of the party was like, really really really fucking weird to us so this only adds more context) but regardless of this happening a while ago i am so fucking upset.

this friend group has always treated me as just a person to be there when they needed another person and always excluded me even at the events and then shit talks me too?? oh but dw i am supposed to be friends with them like gtfo with that shit. it makes me so sad like i don't even know the fuckers at this school all like that yet stg everytime i turn around everyone has my name in they mouth what the fuck have i ever done? why does everyone hate me?

sorry this was confusing but it literally ruined my whole day and then my EP choosingly sat across the classroom from me and i know all of this means nothing but i just feel so undervalued

-🗝️💄

That really sucks, I’m sorry you feel undervalued. That’s not right at all (what they did, not you)

[npdvents]

Masking is genuinely so fucking stupid. And yet I still do it, day after day.

I've gotten less strict with myself about it, I let myself slip every now and then, but i always immediately regret it.

The idea of ruining my image as the charismatic perfect person makes me want to rip my eyes out, but performing like an actor on a stage 24/7, when i genuinely couldn't give less of a FUCK about how your day went or what you're venting to me about, gets less and less appealing every day.

Obviously I won't stop though, because where would I be if I was truly, fully honest? Hated and alone, obviously.

And I'd rather be miserable forever and loved than honest and alone.

I don’t think being fully honest would make you hated and alone, I’m sure there’s people out there that would like your unmasked self just as much as your masked self. Sure it may not be as much but it’s still there.

[npdvents]

im not diagnosed w npd but i feel like i pretty obviously have it and ite been causing a ton of problems

and i guess its just weird seeing myself show more and more symptoms over time

like even a few years ago i was completely different and overly nice to everyone but more recently i just feel like ive been losing control over myself

im rude a lot more often, i get extremely jealous of others, i put people down to feel better, i clearly dont look at myself and my skills realistically but i dont know how to stop (or if i want to stop)

maybe its like an addiction? like i know what im doing isnt right but i only feel somewhat good when i have that inflated unrealistic sense of self

im sure a lot of people think this but idk what to even do about it since where i live psychiatry isnt exactly advanced

Yea I get it. I hope you’re able to get the help you need some day.

[npdvents]

( tw for me having a raging superiority complex.)

lately ive realised that i struggle with object constancy. i struggle to view the vast majority of people around me as human beings with complex lives and their own independent thoughts and feelings and it kind of makes me not care about how i treat them or absolves me of any guilt i may feel for treating somebody badly?

like i forget that the rest of the population exists separately from me, and people aren’t just side characters to my life. if somebody doesn’t affect my life in any way, i struggle to humanise them. if they don’t serve a purpose i don’t really view them as an independent person and, therefore, i don’t really feel the need to treat them.

rather i feel like some people are useless by default because they don’t serve my life immediately. i would feel bad, but then i remember how much i justifiably loathe the majority of other people i interact with. most of the time people aren’t even worth acknowledging as human beings because they act like stupid morons who don’t have any depth of mind and they’re so incompetent and not worth the effort of engaging with.

which sounds awful typing it out, i know, but it’s not something i can really help.

— ⦻

I feel this, sometimes I struggle with it more than others. You’re not awful though.

[npdvents]

I feel so stupid. One of my partners (we're in a triad), right, I'll call him K, and he's super important to me. Once a while back he told me that B is his favorite person and my ego just couldn't handle that because at the moment he was my number one (kind of) and I can't take not being number one. He'd often show me his drawings of B and hasn't drawn me ever, he'd often talk about B to me, and I just couldn't handle that. So, to passively try and make him feel how I felt, I started talking more about my QPP and how I somehow actually trust and be comfortable with them (I have difficulty trusting people and I don't think I've come to fully trust my boyfriend just yet) and all that, just to make him feel how I felt. I know it's wrong. I know it's bad. I know it's probably a bit manipulative, but I really didn't mean to hurt him much. I just got really pissed, honestly. K is much more open to asking questions than I am, because me asking for reassurance has the risk of me being wrong about something and I don't like it when people tell me I'm wrong. K asked me if I liked my QPP more than him. I admitted yes, just a little. I didn't think it hurt him that much, but I suppose it did wreck me when he said the same to me before. I feel like such a screw-up. We've mostly resolved it now, but . . . I don't know. I still fucked up bad and can't deal with it still.

I’m sure things will get better

[npdvents]

It's been a while, but god I am fucked right now, TW // brief mention of self harm (and thats all i think??)

I've been sorting of tracking every time I have a "overraction" to small things this week.

I had 5 different "episodes" ((not sure what to call them, but 5 different moments of horrible feelings, all different, all caused by small but different things)) in like under 6 hours one day, and I feel so horrible over it

I hate it, I'm so emotional over nothing. I can't tell if this is a "puberty" thing, but I'm sure I used to be emotional even before puberty and it makes me scared. I always go from hating people to loving people in minutes and it's always over small things (e.g; a friend was talking to someone else instead of me in class so I felt betrayed, ignored, alone, I hated them for like 20 minutes and began to contemplate self harm, but then they talked to me again and I was fine) and I know my friends notice. I feel like I'm being a burden on them, being so emotional, unstable. They never know how I'm going to react

One day I was upset while walking into school and they.. well I approached them and immediately they noticed I was upset, so one of them started to like,, push the others away? Clearing a path for me to my FP.. and maybe it would've been a compliment to me if it want for the fact it made me feel like a rabid dog. They were avoiding me as if I was going to attack them at any moment. They even said "just let them go to [FP's name]" and stuff. Like i was something that needed to be controlled

I kind of get it but I dunno. I feel like I'm a lot to handle and I'm so scared. I don't understand why this is happening, I don't think it's normal but I'm scared to look into anything to do with it. I already know I have DID and NPD, I don't want to find out about any other disorder, because then I'll feel like I'm faking. Like I'm just looking for attention

I'm so paranoid all the time, so emotional, I can't help myself. I say "no more breakdowns today" and I immediately have a breakdown or whatever it's called. Even on the sleepover with my FP, I wanted to cry.

I know this may not be NPD related but I needed to get this off my chest

- 🫀🫁

It’s okay that this isn’t NPD related

It kinda sucks that it’s been like that lately, I hope things get better.

[npdvents]

someone just came into my ask's unprovoked telling me NPD isn't real and spewing a bunch of ableist lies about it anyways , didn't even give them the fuckin time of day. if you want to choose ignorance then you are not worth my time nor presence.

i mean i posted it because stupidity needs to be publicly shamed but they are not worth a response.

Wow that’s… wow (/nay)

[npdvents]

im hating that my friends think they're right about everything they say and do, and im ALWAYS the ONLY one who has to change, yes! even i want to be right all the time, yet i genuinely apologize when i do something wrong, but they don't even think how they hurt me because they think they're only taking care of me. They still make me feel horrible about myself, and i can't say a word because they'll get mad at me and they'll blame me for everything.

I’m so sorry that’s horrible

[npdvents]

TW: Misuse of the word narcissist and mental and emotional abuse

I have a horrible place at home. I'm safe in the way that my mother is protecting me. But I have an abusive sister. She's abusive to both me and my mother. She isn't physical, but emotionally to my mother and both emotionally and mentally to me.

My family calls her a narcissist, and it kinda upsets me. Is she narcissistic? Yes. But I don't like how they use it. I'm questioning NPD, and I have a lot of symptoms, but I'm rejecting it and fakeclaiming myself. And all of this isn't helping.

I’m sorry, I wish people wouldn’t call people they don’t like/disagree with/etc. narcissists. It doesn’t help actual narcissists.

[npdvents]

i feel so bad rhat my supplu dries up so quickly but it does. i will be on top of the moon in joy at the slightest niceties but the MOMENT its gone i have fallen so so far down . my moods swing really drastically and its hard to stabelize and i hate it sm. why was i so happy two seconds ago and why do i have this unquelchable need for attention and love and something to feel like a person again

I feel this struggle, you’re not alone there

[npdvents]

(Brief note before this vent, all people mentioned are systems including this anon, anon and their EP are partner systems.)

My EP is friends with someone I genuinely can't fucking stand, and they have alters who are dating.

We'll call this other person B, I guess.

B has a routine of being really god awfully clingy and overall is just annoying and hard for even me to tolerate. Multiple of their alters have issues with this, and it pisses me off to no end because it's resulted in them genuinely hurting our EP and I take that very personally.

I don't even know how to bring this up to our EP because it feels like it'd be out of my place and possibly overbearing but God I hate dealing with it. I hate seeing B online, I hate talking to them but I love being in the same space as my EP ... but it means tolerating B to be there.

I don’t know how you could but I definitely do recommend talking to your EP about this

[npdvents]

tw for mentions of delusions of grandeur and like,, suicide! also religious shit

hate everyone who says/thinks shit like "npd is being selfish and manipulative and awful" and all the dumb ableist shit

one time I started planning an elaborate way to kill myself in a bloody ritual because I thought I was the Messiah and needed to sacrifice myself to God to bring retribution to the world and that my death world help mark that and bring that.

The only reason I didn't was because I was in an abusive relationship and they manipulated me into a crash that then warped the delusion into me being terrified God was upset with me and a lot of Angels were watching/looking for me because I had failed in the eyes of God and was an imperfect Messiah and that God was gonna come and kill me.

so yea i guess I did all of that because I am an abuser and an evil asshole, yea? like jfc can we remember it is an actual disorder for one second

-🗝️💄

Yea it’s definitely because you’re abusive no other reason like you being mentally ill or something (/MAJOR SARC)

But yea NPD delusions are no fun

[npdvents]

I have nowhere else to go and I don't want to break my picture perfect persona to anybody else so here I am. (Thank you for running this blog by the way)

I'm such a selfish person for even allowing someone to like the mere idea of me. Especially when I know I have a long history of social withdrawal and end up cutting contact with everyone. Yet, I can't handle the idea of not being liked but also can't handle the idea of someone getting actually attached to me because it's too close. Almost paradoxical in a way, but I want to be admired but from afar. I want to have an influx of compliments, but without the commitment.

When people get too close, everything gets ruined one way or another so what's the point anymore? I've been trying not to isolate myself from everyone this time because I desperately need supply, but I loathe the notion of people seeing past the persona if they try to get closer to me.

I’m glad this is a place you can come to to break the picture perfect persona, I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to vent this out (yes even though it’s anon).

You’re not selfish for that. We have a history of the same thing. I get the paradoxical feeling of it all.

I know my words might not mean anything, cause I’ve been there before and these words at the time meant nothing to me but one day the people who get close to you won’t have the relationship ruined in one way or another. We can heal that part of us.

[npdvents]

we are a system and we have npdd, i have a question tho, the host is like,, weirdly 'empathetic'

like not actually, but he tries so hard to emulate it. i don't understand it but it hurts him and its weirddd

like we only have cognitive empathy really but he kinda sucks at it so he just is empathetic always. "oh you had a bad day so you pushed me down the stairs? i will empathy you" and its weird. he is trying to mask the no empathy (because of other issues we have) but all it does is kinda make things worse. is this normal? like one sign of something someone could have a probability for feel bad for and he will be like 'no yea i guess i have to internalize my uspetness no matter how justified i am'

I get it

We have alters in our system who are more “empathetic” than others, most of them are masking but some of them just genuinely have more of an ability to be “empathetic” than everyone else.

So yes I’d say it’s pretty normal

[npdvents]

hi can i claim 🗝️💄? .3

Yes you can!