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just your average low life

[nuggetsornah]

January 14th, 2023; 12:32am.

While I need to update this blog properly, so much has happened over the last few years that I am not in the correct headspace to explain it all. For now, I rant. I have been bottling so much for so long that I am driving myself crazy. I am currently in day 10 of an episode and am drowning with these crazy thoughts.I need to write them down without judgement in hopes I feel relief.

Being attracted to the illusion of someone is so dangerous. It is my worst trait. I am filled with immense guilt and shame for enjoying any tiny bit of male validation. But not just any. It’s always very specific type of man.. where they don’t outwardly obsess over me but are mean. Enemies to lovers troupe. My favorite.

What’s even worse is that he’s married. He has no interest. And frankly I don’t either. But something about it in my head is giving me just the right amount of innocent serotonin I need to stay alive. Why am I like this? I don’t actually want to be with him. I don’t want that to be real at all. I just love the little attention I get. The newness. The guidance and mentorship. The daddy issues inside of me are screaming with pleasure.

But it’s not real. I don’t want it to be real. I love this fantasy in my head. But that’s all it is - a fantasy. It’s innocent. I just don’t want to face the reality that is the issue at hand - that I feel unhappy in my marriage. I want to be in love again and I will be. I am simply in an episode and it will pass. But seeing someone else appear to be happy in their marriage and not having that hurts my heart. I want that love. I want that guidance and care. I’ve always wanted to be with an older man. And I never will.

I feel crazy. I feel guilty and immature and weird. I feel icky and vulnerable. I want to feel love and excitement like that without it being real. Because I don’t want to part ways. That’s not it. I just want to feel that. Or feel that in order to feel alive. It’s the only thing that’s making me feel alive at the moment, the rush of it all. But it hurts even more knowing that it’s not reciprocated. It’s literally all in my head. It’s not real.

I know this isn’t a legit issue because it’s interchangeable. It’s not him, it’s any man. This specific type. I can feel the hyperfixation fading because of how real it feels. The hurt and the highs. I want new and exciting again. Even temporarily. I want to feel that high. I need a reason to stay alive. It’s not him, it’s the feeling. I crave it.

How do I handle this? Do I actually handle it? I am tempted to message him but I’m gonna ruin it. But I already have right, so might as well be self destructive. Idk. I’m toxic.

I will say I feel better after writing this out. I have felt like such a bad person. I just want to to feel good for once. Even if I’m the problem. I am the problem.

Going to message and be self destructive. At least I feel a little better.

[nuggetsornah]

June 4th, 2022; 3:00pm.

Wow, how time has passed. And how so much has changed.

I’m famous now? Lol?

My dream of becoming an influencer came into light at the end of 2020 via Tik Tok. I’m an alternative makeup artist. In this moment in time, I have 2.5 million followers, 220,000 on instagram, and 30,000 on twitter. I am now starting streaming on twitch the last month and average 100+ viewers.

I’ve befriended my idols. It’s strange. I’m still growing in my career and am so close to just.. making it big. I’m almost there. Unfortunately my illnesses still manage to take a toll on me, my work, and my partnership.

I’m also married. Yup, almost 3 years now. The internet doesn’t know.

I have a lot I want to say, NEED to say. But for now, I’m back. Because there’s so much in my brain that I am unable to tell a single soul. This is my healthy coping. My life truly is a fever dream.

[nuggetsornah]

I never ever thought that I would be treated less than what I deserved ever again.

And whilst I have such a great partner, tonight he told me I’m like a job that he constantly has to take care of. That it’s exhausting. When in reality, I’m aware that our relationship is difficult and do my best to always express my gratitude and provide resources for him to handle the stress. He said he wants someone else to step into his shoes, to have someone else take care of me.

This was sparked after I told him I wasn’t feeling well. He left the room to play video games. He knew I hadn’t had the best day, as he supported me through it. But I guess he was tapped out. WHICH IS FINE. The problem is that he didn’t let me know and instead, blew up on me. He represses his anger towards me until he no longer can.

I don’t even want to write anymore.

Tonight I told him he knew what he was signing up for. He’s either in or he’s not.

[nuggetsornah]

life is so so tough sometimes.

Mentak health makes me !!!!!!!!!!

[nuggetsornah]

March 1st, 2020; 9:44am.

I can’t believe how long I’ve had this blog and what I’ve gone through. Honestly, there’s so much I could fill you in on and I haven’t even started to read through the old posts; but that’s not what today is about.

I had a dream about my first true love last night. I had a dream about him about 2 weeks ago as well. About what could have been. Even getting the chance to talk to him. It leaves me wanting to keep dreaming.

This particular dream we were not together - that’s how they always start off. We ran into eachother in what seems like a bathroom (??? lmao) and we talked. For maybe a minute or two. It went along the lines of:

Me: Wanna know something?

Him: Sure.

Me: I actually ended up legally changing my last name back to Clarke.

He had a look on his face, almost like a glimpse of hope. I mirrored his expression.

Me: Wanna know something else?

Him: Yes.

Me: I will always love you. And if you’re ever ready for me, I will be here waiting.

Then, the dream became a blur.

I ended up having his phone somehow and wanted to return it ??? I unlocked it and was tempted to read if there was anything about me in there, but I didn’t. He was still with his girlfriend at the time.

I get scared they’re going to get married. They have been together 5 years. Of course they will one day. But I am terrified. I wonder if he felt this way when I got married.

Oh yeah, I’m married now. And I have a house.

I love my husband very much. We have seriously gone through hell and back. To the point where we really thought we weren’t going to make it. This was literally like a month ago. But we have been alright. We have our problems but we are working on them. I hated my wedding, FYI. I also can’t have sex. I have a lot of problems lmao.

I know dreams are just dreams. My biggest regret in life was listening to a dream when I was 16 and broke up with him, my first love. Losing him was the hardest thing I have literally ever gone through. 5 years later, it still hurts so bad.

There’s nothing I want more than to reach out to him. Talk to him. See him in person. Just to get closure. I’ve tried to text and of course he doesn’t respond.. why would he? That was about 2 years ago and in the message I said it was closure. Well, here I am, still hung up on it all. I miss him very much. Even in a platonic way.. he was truly my best friend. I wish I could see how he’s doing now.

I miss him.

[nuggetsornah]

Things are not okay. The worst they have ever been. I don’t have much longer.

[nuggetsornah]

February 9th, 2019; 1:53am.

God, I am so fucking frustrated.

I’m currently in Vegas with my fiancé. For my emo ass, I have been shoving it down and doing everything I can do that he can have a good time. It’s one thing after another- and even though it frustrates me, I put it aside. Because his happiness means the world to me. He has taken care of me during my worst spells, I could suck it up for a little while just so he could smile.

But no. Nothing works. And I try and try and try. But he’s mad. He’s frustrated. He’s upset. And won’t talk about it. When he finally opened up, I was buzzed enough to go numb but still felt hurt by his words.

He’s mad because I won’t sleep with him. Granted- he has been so patient as I have been in recovery for my depression. It’s been almost a year without it. But... for someone who said they would love me no matter what, even if we never had sex again, it really does hurt.

I’m not withholding sex as a punishment. It’s not because I’m tired or lazy. It’s because it causes me so much physical pain, I start to instantly cry. It feels as if needles are being rubbed back and forth inside me. Like he’s hitting a wall of guts or my bladder. That it hurts so fucking bad I have gained the confidence to say no and stop, even though I know it will hurt him. I do not want to be raped ever again- especially by a man who swears to love me no matter what. It hurts.

What am I supposed to do? Let it happened and basically get raped, or stand up for myself and hurt him in the process? God I fucking hate this.

[nuggetsornah]

January 11th, 2019; 8:11pm.

First off, happy new year blog! I cannot believe another year has come and go. And I am so glad it has.

2018 was the worst year of my life. Yeah yeah yeah, I know I say that every year, but I PROMISE this time I’m serious. I don’t want to get too deep into it, but let’s just say I didn’t think I would make it this far.

I am writing tonight on horrible food guilt. I feel like I didn’t even eat that much, but that I’ve gained weight. Again. Depression can be such a bitch. I know I need to workout and eat clean, but with medications I gain so easily now. And I know it’s my fault. But I just don’t want my mind to torture me anymore. I just want to be at peace with my body, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get there. And that’s truly terrifying.

On top of that, I’m alone right now. I could cut if I wanted, but I know that wouldn’t solve anything at all. I have an old body positivity book that I’ll try and take a crack at. I just want to be happy and it’s so fucking hard. Way. Too. Hard. I do not understand why I am being punished for simply existing. I am trying so hard to stay afloat, when the world just wants me to drown. Hell, I even wish I would drown.

I just want to be happy. I never thought it would be that much to ask for.

[nuggetsornah]

November 19th, 2018; 9:50am.

Well well well, has it been a while.

When I feel conflicted about my life, I always turn to this blog. I never post about the good, only bad. It’s hard being consistent, especially when you have nothing but bad news to share.

I am very scared and anxious this morning. And I am feeling like such a hot mess. Ugh.

In November of 2017, I got a new job as a data intake assistant. It was actually at the same agency as my older sister, was part time, and perfect for my recovery. From then to now, my position blossomed into becoming HR, new job duties, full time work, and more money. It was an ideal work situation for my recovery, since I felt supported (well, most of the time). I eventually got my best friend hired, and it was endless fun for us both.

Now, I am sitting inside of a Starbucks, anxious and nervous as hell. Not a soul knows, besides my best friend and fiance (oh yeah I got engaged lol), that I quit. Why? Well there’s many answers to that question.

Why did I quit? Because my boss was damaging my mental health. The past few months I have tried many medications, where I was struggling with the worst depression I have ever experienced. Just when i started to feel a slight change, my boss would hurt me. Over and over again. The most petty, fake woman I have ever met. The one time I finally stood up for myself (and others), I was knocked down and reprimanded. Her cold being made me realize that she wasn’t going to change her mind anytime soon. She hated me, and did, in fact, want me to suffer. I was experiencing extreme anxiety, so much so that a panic attack lead me to the hospital. I couldn’t handle it anymore. No job should EVER make you feel worthless and a waste of space.

Why am I feeling anxious and nervous if I quit? Because I would never want to let my family down. I am trying so hard to just be alive, that for others it seems weak or cowardly. I didn’t put in my two weeks. And I feel like a horrible person for that. But staying there for two more weeks would be absolute HELL. I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I would cry and cry and panic and cut and putting my life in a situation like that IS NOT WORTH IT. I do not want to die over this. But my poor family, they worry about me so much and I just hope that they aren’t upset with me. I just texted my sisters about the news, because like C said, it would be better if they heard it from me rather than someone else. I just feel like such complete shit right now.

On the bright side- I got invited for an assessment with the state as a legal assistant. If everything goes well, maybe that could be my next adventure! Who knows.

Ugh, I do not feel good. At all. Please help me get out of this rut Lord. All I need is a little help. 

[nuggetsornah]

March 20th, 2018; 1:02am.

I’ve gotten myself wrapped up in all the wrong things, especially at this hour. Knowingly playing myself into digging deeper into my scabs when they have finally started to heal. I’m not really sure what to think of it.

I lay in bed tonight, thinking of you. Of how I wasn’t able to process our relationship before the next one started. The time frame was almost overlapping, from the aggressiveness and pain from you, to an unfamiliarity of kind and genuine. I’m still with him.

You gave me a love that was completely fictional- that was all made up in my mind to believe you actually cared for me. I was so caught up in your mess, you started to destroy me. Piece by piece, little by little, my heart and mind and soul began to ditirierate without acknowledgement. And one day, you were gone.

Our love was the kind you see in movies- not the sappy successful ones where you kind of throw your hair back and laugh in a truck into the sunset. No, this was like the mysterious quiet boy who lured you into his pit of absolute darkness and pain, while mistaking it for love. It wasn’t real. It never really was.

I never found closure. You didn’t love me, nor did you use me for sex. It’s almost as if you needed someone to manipulate for your own amusement. For someone so stupid to give you everything left in their poor poor soul just to laugh and leave. Where you give and they take, they yell and you cry. There is no happy ending.

I’m thinking of you tonight. Not every night. Your damage is left scared beneath my skin.

The hurt never really goes away.

[nuggetsornah]

Ok no offense but after writing that last post I thought I’d be able to sleep, then the thought occurred to me and now I’m crying internally. I’m so panicked. What the hell.

[nuggetsornah]

January 23rd, 2018; 2:24am.

First off, I’d like to say, happy new year!

I actually have started off 2018 in a huge rut. I mean, I’m writing a post at 2:30am when I have work tomorrow. You can assume it’s been a tough night.

It’s interesting to be able to look back on my thoughts in years past. Making this blog has been therapudic in more ways than most, and I can’t help but get in the feels while reading it. Seeing how much pain I was in- the desperation and jealously. It’s all very, very sad.

It’s weird to see how anxiety has dictated my life over the past 3 years. I would have never imagined I’d be on this rollercoaster, but at the same time I don’t remember a time where I wasn’t experiencing this pain and hurt. It’s amazing to see the progression, in its own unfortunate turn.

Everyday I feel so extremely blessed to be able to have a partner who supports me unconditionally. The Lord has finally answered me prayers. And even then, my anxiety is spiraling. And the depression- oh the depression- don’t even get me started.

My mental health has impacted me in ways unimaginable. I feel intelligent and wise in the fact that I can actually separate panic from reality. It’s a pretty nifty tool to obtain. And it’s encouraging, in the slightest, just to know that the pain ends eventually.

Right?

[nuggetsornah]

I had a dream about you last night. You weren’t necessarily a part of it, but your family was. I really miss them. And I miss you. It’s so weird to feel that we haven’t spoken in years, but I still have you in my heart. What I would give to talk to you just one more night. I miss you a lot.

[nuggetsornah]

December 2nd, 2017; 9:45pm.

I feel like I’m using this again as a coping mechanism for my aggressive behavior. It seems that I get very worked up over nothing. And I really don’t want to be that way, therefore I am trying new methods of communicating my emotions.

I really feel lost as of how to deal with these immediate feelings of aggression. It’s not fair. I try to help out best I can and I get fucking shut down. I brought it up, was acknowledged, and disregarded. Didn’t even talk about it. Just looked at me, and fucking moved on.

It really hurts my feeling as if my feelings don’t matter. And I know it might not be the most important in the world, but it hurts. Like I want that real acknowledgement. And I don’t understand why that is so fucking difficult to ask for. It’s not fair. I deserve to feel what I need to feel.

I’m so overwhelmed. I’m angry. And I’m frustrated. It’s not fucking fair that I have to feel way. ALL THE TIME. I don’t understand why God made me this way. Because I just want to be happy. I try so hard so hard so hard, and it still ends up being aggressive behavior.

I’m feeling a little bit better now that I’m typing this out. But I still feel really ignored. I just want to be understood. But it’s really hard.

[nuggetsornah]

Hey, it’s Nana. I know it’s been a while, but I have been meaning to contact you in some way for the past two years. Whether it was in writing, text, in person, it never followed through. I guess now I finally scrounged up the courage to send this. So, here it goes.

I fell in love with you when I was 14. The time we spent together was nothing short of some of the best years of my life. Although we both have followed different paths, I am genuinely happy for you. And it’s taken me a very long time to reach that point, but years later, here we are.

You guided me through my first years of hell- before I was officially diagnosed with panic disorder, general anxiety disorder, social anxiety, and depression. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be here today. I truly feel that I owe my life to you. You truly believed in me whole heartedly, and our relationship has given me hope in my recovery process.

I was crushed when our friendship ended. I still regret my actions to this day. I feel that I have developed as an individual and grown into my own skin, realizing my petty high school years weren’t the problem- I was. So here is my apology.

I am sorry.

I’m sorry for hurting you. For dragging you along in my mess. For ever disrespecting you. For the endless jealousy of your relationship. For ever treating you in a way less than you deserve. Because you deserve the entire world. I truly believe that you were placed in this earth to embark change, whether in yourself, others, or community. And I hope you’re upholding that beautiful charisma. The world needs it.

I don’t expect an acceptance to my apology, or frankly even a response. I think it would hurt me more if you did. I’m sending this message as a therapeutic exercise, for my sake. For my closure. I think about you sometimes. And I miss you. And I truly believe I won’t ever stop loving you. I hope you’re doing well. I hope you have a happy holiday and new year. Thank you for hearing me out. Hope to catch up soon, x

[nuggetsornah]

My body is so exhausted.

People can be aware of mental illnesses, but each individual case is different. My body feels like a ton of bricks. It feels as if my muscles are collapsing, while my heart rate drops. I am so incredibly tired. Physically, mentally. I feel like complete shit. And the worst part is that no one understands. No matter what I say or what I do no one will ever understand what I’m going through. And that sucks. Sometimes I feel so alone.

[nuggetsornah]

November 28th, 2017; 8:34pm.

Ummmm I know I haven’t written in this thing in forever, but I don’t feel that it’s necessary.

I’m just so upset. I’m always upset. But I’m trying really really hard to not let the little things get to me. But truth is, it does. It just does. And I know it bothers Cesar and it bothers me too. He’s just in such a bad mood, his negativity switched up on me so quick. I am not good with that energy. Whether it was his intention or not, I’m hurt and it fucking sucks. I know he’s in a bad mood too, but I’m trying. I’m trying to hide it. I’m trying to be ok when clearly I am not. And it sucks. Recovery is the WORST.

I just want to be ok. I’m not sure why little things bother me so much. It hurts my heart so badly, something I can’t stop thinking about for hours. He literally was talking about how my house is messy and it just completely turned my mood. It pushed me over the edge. He’s like “we are never going to live like that. I’ll make sure of it”. But that’s who I am, and I don’t know what that means. Like I want to change, it’s something I have always been aware of, and usually get my act together. But that just fucked me up so bad. And I don’t know. Like he’s going to marry my messiness. Is that something he can’t handle, that he will make “sure” of it???

Im just extremely overwhelmed. And I just don’t know how to handle it. Everyone is all up in my biz and I just feel so awful. Ugh.