Nyx

youtube ch || chaotic academia my beloved || graduating out of spite

[nyxscave]

Hi there, it's Nyx 🍵

She/her, INTJ - 5w4

CompSci Master's candidate

Former musician, dancer, writer; sold my soul for stem

✨ chronic procrastinator ✨

youtube channel || storygraph || 2nd tumblr

tags:

[nyxscave]

say hi to another little friend 🐦

I'm officially done with my thesis project (not The Thesis, just the project, BUT EVEN SO) 🎉🎉

No, it's not except the abstract except th- no. It's done. Done and ready to send and... that's it. I don't need to do anything thesis-related for the following month or so. I admit that it didn't sink in yet, and I'm still in fight or flight thinking that there's still shit left to do, even though there isn't.

you take the man out of the city not the city out the man or smt right

[nyxscave]

Every time I look at my thesis project I find a different issue in which fixing it would make me have to change at least three sections so yeah. That's fun. I thought I was done with the intro but now that I'm getting all the pieces together they just!! don't fit!! so I need to fix them!!

I also tried to fix my sleep schedule last night and slept for 9 hours, BUT I felt half-awake for all of those and was drifting in and out of a light nightmare. CAN I LIVE CAN I JUST LI-

On a side note. I saw a toucan and those have a really funny way of flying. Say hi to him on the second pic :)

[nyxscave]

Done with the intro (FINALLY)!! I still gotta write the abstract and deal with some details like phrasing and such, but my brunt of my project is done, I think. Just scheduled a meeting with my advisor to go through everything on monday, and I very much hope she likes it. Like please. Please like it I don't want to have to look at this again-

Maybe I can now think about how I'll fix whatever the fuck my sleep schedule turned into these past few weeks...? Maybe? I have a permanent pressure headache and can barely focus on anything at this point but there's still so much to study for even with this out of the way aaaaaaaaa

[nyxscave]

My mini roses are thriving this year 🌹

I'm almost, almost done with my intro; the thing that bothers me the most is that I can't really do bits and pieces of it each day, because picking up where I left off is kind of a terrible idea bc of how much time it takes for me to remember what the fuck I was thinking then. Instead!! I gotta write for 4 hours with no breaks and get big chunks of it done at a time or else.

SEE? I swear I want to get my sleep in order but I kinda can't until I check this off my list completely 😭

[nyxscave]

hi :) it's been a while, hasn't it

So much has happened in a month, and I have a bunch of pics that I took but never posted. I think I kept saying that I was going to do that eventually, and... here we are. These are from today though! lol

I've been slowly going through my thesis intro, and I think I'm almost done with it. Then it's the abstract, then scheduling a meeting, and I hope I'll feel like things are moving again after that. Working on such a big section really is about just trusting the process and writing writing writing writ

[nyxscave]

Cooked apples and raisins for the win :)

I feel kinda ashamed about how little I've studied these past couple days. My exams were delayed, and now that I don't have those dates pushing me forward I just - don't study. I've been wanting to, truly, so much that it mentally hurts; but I also did everything in my power to avoid it. I can't understand.

I just feel weak in that aspect. And very, very guilty. Starting is so hard, and I should just sit my ass down, stop overthinking and overplanning and STUDY. It's so easy, and yet.

[nyxscave]

I need so many new folders for all that paper fr, I just keep stacking them with a blank sheet in between and hoping for the best lol I got the dates wrong and my exam is on tuesday, not thursday. Which means I have 4 days to study everything about database systems or I'm completely cooked. Spent a couple hours crying about it yesterday actually. WE BALL Another exam on thursday too, probably. So there's that. I can't emphasize enough how much I don't know SHIT about either, and how hard it is to start studying without believing that I can actually improve, learn things or that those hours will help me in any way. It's what made me procrastinate until now, and the main source of my anxiety these days too.

[nyxscave]

Hiii🩷

Hi there :) <3 How are u?

[nyxscave]

That's an old pedometer that I got as a gift a few years back :) I finally learned how to use it, and it's so satisfying. I don't think I'll use it much, though, because of the clicking noise it makes; but it's nice nonetheless.

That said, I'm in graph theory hell still. It's so bad and it makes me lose sleep out of sheer anxiety, and still I can't manage to study for more than 4h a day. And those aren't even at my best or fully focused.

I genuinely feel so bad about it. I feel like I'm not proving that I'm panicked enough if I'm not studying 8h+ a day, but I just... can't? I think I spend the rest of it worrying and procrastinating, I don't know. It's so frustrating.

[nyxscave]

I bought new earrings, and started wearing silver (whereas I only wore steel before). The price difference isn't so great somehow, and there are so many more options?? Let's see how long I can go before they oxidize though 😭

Had a nice lunch on the weekend too, and was able to get my mind off things. But now I'm deep into avoidance again, and starting after a break is always SO so hard. But I need breaks or my brain will melt off. So 🫠 it really is a constant sisyphean struggle isn't it

[nyxscave]

That lil ant is me, and I am her. I feel u girl

Essentially had an anxiety attack yesterday just as I was laying in bed trying to sleep bc HM. MY EXAM IS LIKE IN HOW MANY DA-

It's next week. I don't know shit. I have another one, two weeks from now. I don't know shit. An assignment for thursday, and two sections of my project for then too.

So! I didn't sleep well. Breathing exercises have been my go-to and I can't begin to explain how frightening is to cram MATH.

[nyxscave]

🎂! 🤲🍰🥂👈 🫂

[nyxscave]

Note to self: if you pop pimples that aren't inflamed THEY WILL GET INFLAMED. You'll always wake up with those bitches red and painful I swear

[nyxscave]

I've been wondering how I can feel so happy and satisfied with the process of dancing itself, instead of just the end result, but sitting down to do research or study is genuinely worse than pulling teeth.

Like I know those are completely different, but?? I'm capable of focus when I'm moving, looking in the mirror and getting instant feedback about it, but I can't think of a way to replicate that with studying.

It's boring, hard, anxiety inducing, sucks to measure progress, sucks to make progress, knees hurt, you get graded about it, weekly feedback at most. IT SUCKS. it all sucks. how do u guys do it

[nyxscave]

New muggggg what do we think ❤️

I haven't really studied the past couple days, but something that has been giving me some sense of accomplishment is my workout schedule - I've been taking a brisk walk, strength training and dancing most days now :))))

I can't stress enough how sedentary I've become since... covid, maybe? Or even before that. In and out of routines and with months of literally nothing at all in between. So getting that done has been doing wonders for my physical AND MENTAL health, which is something I didn't expect.

There's still life past the horrors of grades and thesis hell, and life is good. Gotta remember that.

[nyxscave]

I got the work plan section done and was very happy with it, but it's just the tip of the iceberg. My advisor has been less helpful than I expected, which got me feeling a bit discouraged, ngl.

I can do things alone. I can run myself to the ground ro get this done in a few weeks, I've done it before; but at the same time, it's really disheartening. I don't feel like my work is appreciated, just expected of me by default.