Nyx

youtube ch || chaotic academia my beloved || graduating out of spite

[nyxscave]

Hi there, it's Nyx 🍵

She/her, INTJ - 5w4

CompSci Master's candidate

Former musician, dancer, writer; sold my soul for stem

✨ chronic procrastinator ✨

youtube channel || storygraph || 2nd tumblr

YPT study group || (2nd group if full)

tags:

[nyxscave]

I ended up having my exam yesterday. I don't think I did well - but my friend did. And I admit that that caused a bit of envy right then, because we had the same material to study, she had less time, but I had more anxiety, and it ended up like this. I'll probably have to retake it.

I honestly, genuinely just felt so empty afterwards. Not like, empty-sad, but empty-relieved. Like fuck it. What do you mean there's life after this shit. The world kept spinning even though this big thing is done and - what then?

Not to worry though bc ya girl won't get out of formation. I have another exam on tuesday and the retake for this one on thurday, and probably another retake for the tuesday one on the following week. Then I'm done, and I hope that means I'll get a C on both, and not a fail.

[nyxscave]

"I cried/had an anxiety or panic attack bc of this fucking master's" tally (starting march 23): 5

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[nyxscave]

now that's actually better than I expected

[nyxscave]

eating on a study break while crying is such a canon experience

[nyxscave]

I had to go out today bc I had it scheduled since last month. I managed to revise a bit on my commute, despite leaving the main stuff to study later with all my materials. It was not much, but I'm glad I did that. Every minute studying is a minute studying, no matter where.

But then came later on. Some personal, completely unrelated stuff went to shit, hell broke loose and I spent the last few hours crying and stressed out of my mind. It's over for now, I don't know about tomorrow. The thing though is that, while that was happening, the only thing I could think about was "oh my god. I won't have enough time to study and I'm gonna literally die". So yeah. I may be just a tiny bit overwhelmed about this exam.

[nyxscave]

My wifi isn't working and I called a technician for tomorrow, which is a world's cup weekend. I jammed my nail into the wall when I opened the curtains in the morning. The steam from my shower made the BPO I apply for my acne irritate the fuck out of my face and now it's burning red and I go out tomorrow. I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet bowl. This is the second time I'm writing this shit bc tumblr simply didn't save the previous post.

Oh and yeah. I wasn't productive at all, and that (genuinely) wasn't related to any of it. Because I could have made it work!! I really could! BUT I DIDN'T. Just because. And now my exam is still on tuesday and I still haven't studied enough for it.

[nyxscave]

I studied for a bit today, but I fear that I did it wrong - I'm studying as if I have a lot of time available until the exams, which is the "right" way to do it in most cases, but I need to be cramming. That's a whole other beast and I think I have to lock in on that, even though it's not optimal long-term.

That means I'll probably forget everything I cram in just a few weeks, but it's kinda the only way I can survive at this point. Really learning the material is something I should've done before, when I still had more than a few days left. So, from tomorrow onwards, I'll focus on the summary of each chapter instead of trying to understand all the proofs and theorems. Which honestly pains me, but you gotta suck it up and just do it sometimes.

[nyxscave]

Apparently I can also study during lectures - but not for that class! For another one. Doesn't matter which, as long as it's not the class I'm currently having. Today I worked for 50min out of a 1h40min lecture, and the rest I spent browsing reddit trying to see if I might have ADHD lol. I don't really think that, but I was tired and I couldn't get up and leave but also wasn't able to focus for longer than that. Phone time it is.

Getting out of my room and talking to people always calms me down, too; today I had a nice, long convo with a girl from the same class I'm struggling and she also said she just couldn't manage to open any of the material for the past couple weeks out of sheer anxiety. I might not be the only one to blame, see! This class just overall sucks.

The one thing I've been trying to be consistent with (and succeeding) is taking pics and posting them here daily. Small wins. Or maybe I just really like to yap

[nyxscave]

By afternoon, I had procrastinated so much that I literally just cried out of frustration (one more for the tally!). I made a list of tips that might help with this, based on comments here and my own memos about times where I do study.

Times when I study include: while blow drying my hair, eating, on the bus with my laptop on my legs and unable to even type with the bumps on the road, commuting on a crowded subway standing up.

Times when I do not study, and instead procrastinate, include: having 8h of free time daily with peace and quiet in front of my clean, organized table, all my materials within reach.

So. Yeah. Based on that, I think you can see that the issue is having too much pressure and expectations about all the "free time" that I have and should use to study - bc when you take those off, at times where no sane person would expect me to study, I go and do it.

I still don't know exactly what to do with that info, but I'm trying to work around it. Today, I managed to get over my crying fit and studied for 1h30 by body doubling and filming myself study. Special thanks to @winryrockbellwannabe, @larstudy and @jakeedu for the company <3

[nyxscave]

It reached a point where I'm starting to feel physically gross and sick when I'm procrastinating - and oh god am I procrastinating. Honestly all of this is only because I'm terribly scared of failing both of these classes, and I'll have my finals in a few weeks. It's math. Again. And ya girl can't cram math as you guys are tired of hearing already.

I'm not helping myself by not sleeping right, not leaving my room and not exercising - I eat, I knock myself out for 4h a night, I procrastinate, and I worry. That's all I've been doing.

"You just have to start small. Set a timer for 5 minutes-" I KNOW. I know. I really know. Why does it feel so impossible though?

[nyxscave]

I think that just sitting in the sun and people watching brings me a very content, peaceful sort of happiness. I do have the nagging (and very true) thought running in the background that I need to work my ass off and survive the anxiety, loneliness and despair that all this brings me, just so that I can... deserve and be able to sit there at my uni. In the sun, people watching.

So not only it affects my future in academia, but my grades also are the gateway to a happy place - a few minutes in between classes where I can exist being "one of them", one amidst the crowd of smart and successful people passing through the corridors. No one knows, just by looking at me, that there's all that burning pile of shit happening.

That goes backwards too. Probably a bunch of those people I label as smart and successful are also suffering, if not as much, more than me. But there's also certainly people who aren't struggling - and of course I make sure to fixate on those. Sighhhhhhhh

[nyxscave]

You’re doing good, I know it’s hard not to beat yourself up when you’re procrastinating, but you are genuinely managing a lot. Easier said than done but dedicate whole days or even just half days where you plan to do nothing, because if you’re always planning on doing something no wonder it’s anxiety inducing when you’re not meeting constant expectations- procrastination isn’t a break. You’re doing well at enduring with difficult stuff

Thank you so much for that :( The "procrastination isn't a break" part is so real, but probably the hardest to really sink in. Procrastination is exhausting and draining, but scheduling a deliberate break feels like admiting defeat, even though it isn't.

I'll try to take it easier and manage my time better long term, this is long due; and the same goes to anybody reading this!! Academia really brings us all to the brink sometimes. Ty again for the encouragement ❤️

[nyxscave]

I skipped a meeting bc by 5am I was still struggling to fall asleep. I know I go to class sometimes with only 1-2 hours in, but there's something very bitter about not needing to commute or wake up early (meeting was online) but still not getting enough sleep. I just said fuck it then - which meant spending roughly 11h in bed but only 4h asleep.

Insomnia sucks :) even more so after a day spent not-studying, which gives me anxiety, which results in insomnia, which makes the next day suck even more.

I didn't study at all today either. I don't even know what I spent the whole day on. Thinking about studying, maybe? It certainly didn't leave my mind, but once more I didn't do anything about it. Why am I like this

[nyxscave]

Learning used to be so much fun. I'd read encyclopedias during meals when I was a kid, solve math problems bc it felt good being the only one in my class who could do it, finish fiction books in a day.

Then academic trauma happened. Being 'the smart one' suddenly meant pressure to be better, be perfect, have the grades and the test scores and the medals to prove it. And now I'm an adult and doing a master's and still feel like the dumbest, most inferior person in this uni. Studying is so painful and I get fucking hives at the 20-min mark.

I hate seeing myself as the victim of all that shit bc all the procrastination and anxiety feels like it's only my fault. But what the fuck. Why would they do that to someone who somehow enjoyed learning. Was it worth it? If I put all my success in a can and hand it to them, weight it against that person's own shame and past trauma, will I ever be normal about this again?

[nyxscave]

This is getting old already, but so much has happened over the past few weeks :')

In summary, I got a bad grade (2 out of 10) from an exam I though had gone well, and that put a lot of pressure for me to somehow get a good grade on my finals. Had a whole breakdown about it but I think that right now I'm past the point of panic and just winging it.

I never thought I would need to study so much, and I'm a bit proud of myself for it but also struggling to focus and to beat anxious procrastination, as one does. July is going to be intense.

[nyxscave]

Heyy so I sent in a request to join your YPT group! Nice to meet you <33 it's commendable how you manage a group with so many people! I saw that it's almost on its full capacity, so I decided to create a group of my own as well. And it'd be an honour if you were to join it.

https://link.yeolpumta.com/P3R5cGU9Z3JvdXBJbnZpdGUmaWQ9Njk1MjQ3NQ==

Aww thank you sm! I actually have 3 groups bc of the capacity limit - Training Grounds, Training Grounds β, and Scholar's Forge -, but I admit that they're a bit too much to manage, so I try to put more effort into the first one only; welcome, and I hope you like it there :)

Posting this here so more people can join your group too ❤️ I'd love to see one full of studyblr ppl

[nyxscave]

Had one exam today, and will have another one in two days. The problem is that this one was shit - like, very much worse than I expected, and I put all my cards into this one bc I thought I had the most chances with it.

So I gotta cram a whole semester tomorrow for the other class, WHILST knowing I fucked this one up; so I'm gonna fail both of them, probably. I don't even want to think about that.

Did I ever tell you guys how hard and depressing it is to cram MATH? Yeah. Yeah I have. Fuck this shit oh my god