Observations In Exile

About Me Born in England, made my home in NYC and then exiled to Toronto. As a young boy, I wanted to be a journalist because that's what Tintin did, so as a young man I studied journalism in college. It took 10 years and exile from the place I call home but I'm finally writing. Turns out, it's nothing like Tintin's life but I do hope you enjoy my observations on pop culture and the apparently-unavoidable weird people and things of the world. Thanks For Visiting Tom Britton

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Gabriel Garcia Marquez: 1927 - 2014

I first read Love in the Time of Cholera during an adolescent fling in my early twenties: a fling a few years too late to be an excusable infatuation and a few years too early to be appropriately navigated. Since then, a copy of One Hundred Years of Solitude has collected dust on my bookshelf with its spine unbroken. I am not an expert on the writing of Gabriel Garcia Marquez, who died today at 87.

I was inspired to read Love in the Time of Cholera by a more befitting depiction of my comprehension of love at that time. The book was featured in the movie Serendipity, which I understood (three times at the cinema) as the inevitable blueprint for the single, predetermined love that awaited me in New York.  

Synopsized, the book tells of a man’s lifelong pursuit of one woman that begins with an adolescent fling and is eventually realized in their old age. In detail, however, those are just the bookends to an adjoining thread along which the man meets, sleeps with, finds companionship (and maybe even love) with other women. At 22, I wanted to believe the synopsized version of this story was a romantic reality I would live, even if I was hoping I wouldn’t have to wait a lifetime for the pay off. But I couldn’t ignore those other women, with whom the man found at worst a welcomed distraction from his fruitless pursuit and, at best, moments of true happiness.

At 32, my perspective is less like my shiny, unscathed copy of One Hundred Years of Solitude and much more akin to my copy of Love in the Time of Cholera: revisited and marked. And yet, Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s book – the one I’ve read – is romantic to me, still. It tells of a man’s ideal that, even if he falls short of it, gets him to where –and whom—he ultimately wants. What better defines the mystery of love, after all, than our absolute obliviousness of how its reached.

I’ll remember Gabriel Garcia Marquez as someone who reminded me to be passionate in pursuit of a rare thing and to accept and enjoy the humanity of what happens along the way.

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The 5 Worst People on a Subway Commute

Much has changed since moving to Toronto from New York. It turns out, though, that a-hole commuters are a universal thing. Put enough people in a confined space and 90% of them will handle themselves like children, oblivious to the norms and social conduct required to make such man-cannery tolerable.  Straight-up car-clearing hobo stank aside, here are the 5 worst people on a subway commute…and they should know better!

The Space Swallower:  Taking many forms, the Space Swallower is almost always someone impossibly small to begin with. But with a wicked combination of ignorance and considerable accoutrements, they quickly occupy a space befitting Andre the Giant. They can be the Backpacker; whose overstuffed Jansport bag remains firmly, for them at least, three cubic feet out of sight, out of mind. Like a baby T-Rex who’s yet to learn the size of its tail, their sweeping turning radius means that with each rotation they make, their surroundings seem perfectly spacious, further compounding their obliviousness. The Space Swallower can also take the form of the Pole Hugger who, ironically, thinks they’re taking up minimal space by wrapping themselves head to toe around the one pole in the subway car. Sure, you’re only taking up a postage stamp’s worth of floor space. Only, we need to grab a hold of something, too. What part of the pole would you like me grab? The part currently occupied by your face, chest or grundle? Lastly, and most obnoxiously, the Space Swallower can take the form of the Broadsheet Newspaper Reader, to whom all I have say is this: if that Financial Times is doing what you want it do, shouldn’t you be taking a helicopter to work by now?

The DJ: Oh wow, you downloaded Weezy’s latest joint? What is that? A smart phone???  But it sounds like a boom box!? It’s, like, playing out loud! Yeah man, say every fifth word. You know the lyrics. How are you not signed yet? Oh that’s right, you’re just an obnoxious moron whose popularity right now is in direct inverse proportion to how cool you think you are.

Meal-On-The-Go Guy: Spaghetti Bolognese, Thai Green Curry, a whole Rotisserie Chicken. These are all things I’ve seen people eat ON THE SUBWAY!!! I get it; there aren’t enough hours in the day. I feel you. Believe me, I appreciate you want a proper meal in the age of packaged foods. But there’s a line, and you just spilled hollandaise sauce on it. If hunger strikes, here’s the exhaustive list of permissible foods on the tube: Snickers, bag of potato chips, and (at a stretch) an odorless non-sloppy sandwich that remains half in its container at all times. If you don’t have one of those then wait, what, 20 minutes? Please note, fruit is not allowed on the subterranean menu either but for different reasons. Eating a peach is never obnoxious but it can be flat-out inappropriate.

The Meanderer: There’s little worse when you’re running late for work than someone without a care in the world or a place to be. The meanderer has a sixth sense for slowly stepping every direction in which one tries to circumnavigate them. Right when I commit to my move, there you are, Meanderer, doubling back on yourself…kind of. None of your moves are with conviction. Why would they be? You can take your sweet, sweet time on your way to wherever the wind blows you. Just when I think leaving the subway platform will provide me with freedom from your path-blockery, you also step on the escalator. In a few short seconds you will be flabbergasted (“Well I never…”) that I dare ask you to abide by the rules of common decency and stand to one side so others can pass. Yes I know your rolling-tote needs a resting spot on the escalator too but try in front of you or behind you, maybe. Anywhere but alongside you. As if your deadline-free life wasn’t great enough, oh, how simple things must be without giving a damn what anybody else thinks of you.

The Door Blocker: I’m looking at you door-blocker. I’m literally looking right at you. The doors aren’t open yet but me and 23 other people are geared to get off at this predictably high-traffic station. You must be blind not to see us and yet there you are, aligned perfectly in the middle of this 4 foot wide door. Funny. The door opens and you step, essentially, right between my feet. Is my face en route to your destination? You’re lucky that the only things preventing a full scale Oklahoma-drill right now are my adherence to respectable public behavior and a crippling case of passive-aggressiveness.

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We're Never Drinking Again: The Hangover Part III

That just happened. When I say “that just happened”, I’m not summoning an untimely quote from Talladega Nights; the kind of “that just happened” that’s echoed around frat houses for the past 7 years to confirm you witnessed something awesome.  I’m emphasizing the banality in the second of those words, just, as in The Hangover Part III just happened, it simply occurred: A kind of non-event.

A lot of people disliked Hangover Part II; they felt it was a play-by-play recreation of the original, simply set in Bangkok and that was a fair assessment to make. But regardless of whether or not you found any individual folly laugh-worthy in Part II, real comedy came from the despair at which these guys couldn’t believe it was all happening to them again. Their disbelief at their misfortune and their realization that Alan (Galifianakis) was their unshakeable bad luck charm was still a foundation for a good comedy. But in The Hangover Part III, we know – and, most importantly, the “Wolf Pack” knows – that anything’s in play when they get together.  Nothing feels like a surprise to them. They go through the usual craziness, just without the despair that it’s happening. As a result, you get a comedy that relies entirely on the merits of its dialogue and its jokes and not the contrasting anguish from which all great humor is born.

And the jokes and dialogue are good but not great. They’re still great characters, just a little worn out. I laughed out loud (and then quietly for the next 3 minutes) at a great piece of physical comedy towards the movie’s climax (clue: it happens on the exterior of Caesar’s Palace) but little else conjured more than a smile. The movie wasn’t as heavy on Mr. Chow (Ken Jeong) as I’d heard but still perhaps a little too dependent on his one-dimensional character, who serves better as a side dish than as the entrée.

We’ve all made this mistake, though, right; that wild n’ crazy unplanned “night-of-your-life” that you just had to try and recreate? The one that, although was fun in parts, ultimately came up short because there were expectations and precedent. You recruited the same cast of characters, you hit all the same marks and yet all along – although it was left unsaid –you all knew it just wasn’t quite the same.

Photo Courtesy of www.hangoverpart3.com

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A Movie’s Gotta Have a Code

Fast & Furious 6 has no business existing. In 2001, The Fast and the Furious pulled in an opening weekend box office of $40,089,015 – a modest but impressive haul for a niche street racing movie fronted by two Hollywood B-listers, Vin Diesel and Paul Walker. Two years later, its sequel 2 Fast 2 Furious was released without its now-established action star (Diesel, who instead opted to star in xXx amidst a scheduling conflict) and went on to gross less domestically than the original. Hollywood being Hollywood, they squeezed out a third  – now without Walker or Diesel* – and completed the trilogy, albeit to the smallest box office return yet. They’d had a good run. They’d netted a profit but with three in the bag, its stars jumping ship and a dwindling return, surely it was time to call it a day?

And yet here we are, another three movies on and the franchise is stronger than ever (Fast 6 has raked ~$480 Million worldwide in just 10 days).  If, like me, you’ve sat revving your cinematic engines waiting for each release, you’ll realize there’s a very good reason that Fast & Furious 6 exists. Like the film’s anti-heroes (Domenic Toretto and Brian O’Conner) this movie too has "a code". A formula that for six installments has stuck true to what its audience wants: a fun, action-filled, over-the-top, almost self-parodying injection of ridiculousness that asks little of its fan base in return. To that, I raise a Corona (more on that in a second), toast “mi famiglia”, and share just a few nuggets of how this franchise has delivered exactly what I was hoping for, once again.

Corona: You know how the old saying goes, you can lead a street racer to water but he’ll put his feet in it and drink a Corona. Domenic Toretto is to Corona what Don Draper is to Canadian Club. Bottle his sweat, throw in a lime and repeat. At one point in Fast 6 I had a heart palpitation when he and O’Conner actually had another brand of beer. God knows what the fee was for that product placement. Good luck with the brand recall on that, whoever you were. I pretended it didn’t happen. And thank god, by the end, order was restored with that glistening gold nectar providing the most refreshing reason for Toretto’s arm being cocked at a perfect 90˚ flex.  But as Fast fans know well, it’s not really about what they’re drinking. It’s more about how they drink it. Go to the 2 minute mark of this video to see what I mean: http://bit.ly/ZnqaNV

Totally Forgivable Plot Holes: It’s amazing these movies are rated PG. I don’t say this because I think kids shouldn’t be able to see hundreds of girls in bikinis or reckless driving or repeated violence. No, I say it because kids ask “why?” a lot. Don’t ask me questions when my brain is in neutral. In the past, holes in the plot have frequently been dismissed by Vin Diesel, as Toretto, simply saying “don’worryaboudit” and then just moving on. In Fast 6, they know that by now we’ll apply our own “don’worryaboudit”’s and alleviate Toretto of this responsibility altogether. He’s got enough on his hands. The movie starts with O’Conner now a new father to Toretto’s nephew. Toretto is adamant that O’Conner is no longer part of “the old life” where they put themselves in danger. Five minutes later, he’s back to the old life, partnering Toretto on a dangerous job - but only because Mia, his wife/Toretto’s sister, insists they’re better as a team and should always stick together. "Sticking together" is the only condition on which his wife and brother-in-law are cool about him leaving his newborn baby. About 2 days later in the timeline of the movie, O’Conner leaves Toretto in England – without him putting up a fight – to go to LA (where he faces life in prison) to get information on the whereabouts of someone in England from someone in an LA prison….by going to prison as an inmate!!! After an ex-colleague at the FBI sneaks him out, he tells O’Conner “I hope this was worth it,” to which O’Conner replies, “more than you’ll ever know.” The information he retrieved from this freedom-threatening, friend-leaving, vow-breaking, fatherless-child-making, transcontinental jaunt? That the bad guy they’re after doesn’t let people get close to him. Don’worryaboudit.

“I Got This”: The only words uttered more in the Fast & Furious franchise than “and”, “the”, and “famiglia” are “I got this”. It’s a very important statement due to the size of Toretto and O’Conner’s crew and the array of tasks they have to divide and conquer. Occasionally, it’s a no brainer who takes what. Tej (played by Ludacris), is the technical expert who is able to fill any number of conveniently vacant warehouses around the world with world class, military grade technology with 1 to 2 hours’ notice and operate them without a user manual. If there’s a technical task needing an owner, Tej got this. But anything else – say, retrieving some finger prints for duplication, some basic surveillance or going on a Corona run– somebody else needs to step up and say “I got this.” If Vin Diesel says “I need to take a leak”, somebody’s saying “I got this.”

Domenic Toretto’s Half-Smile:  Like Brad Pitt constantly eating half a fast food order in the Ocean’s 11 movies or Tom Cruise’s intense, perfect-form sprinting in every movie on his resume, Vin Diesel has perfected the half smile response as his signature move. You’ll know it when you see it. It’s like he wants to smile but his face is too lazy so he begins with one side of his mouth, stops and then let’s out a weird grunt (which you should understand is a laugh). This is often done following a ballsy wise-crack from O’Conner and sometimes with a Corona half way to his mouth. You can see it in this video (which I did not make, promise) briefly at 2:36 in the car: http://bit.ly/Znvn88

Life, A Quarter Mile at a Time: Ever wonder why your minutes sometime feel like hours? Your hours can feel like days? You may think it’s because you hate your desk job but it’s not. The most likely cause is that you’re living your life, probably unbeknownst to you, somewhere between 50 and 100 miles at a time. Not these guys. From day one, they’ve been living life a quarter mile at a time. Fast 6 starts with Toretto and O’Conner living what many people would consider the perfect life: sitting on a porch by the ocean in paradise, loved ones around them, fridge full of Coronas, and not a care in the world. Only, this is not the perfect life for them. This kind of stasis is their desk job, and so when opportunity (aka The Rock in Under Armour) knocks, they answer. They’re in their mid-30’s (let’s say 35). The movie takes place over the course of about 2 weeks. They travel from the Canary Islands to London (2155 miles), From London to Seville** (1345 miles), Seville to Los Angeles (approximately 5000 miles) and, at a guess, about 50 miles around London. That’s 8550 miles. That’s 34,200 quarter miles— or “moments”—in just the last 2 weeks (0.1% of their life so far). I mean, what. a. life.

With that in mind, it’s probably no surprise that there’s rumored to be another three Fast & Furious movies being planned, starting with a return to Tokyo (Spoiler Alert: teased at the end of Fast 6 with the introduction of Jason Statham as the new antagonist. “Giddy” does not even begin to describe it).  With this life, it’s clear Toretto and O’Conner will not be able to stop – and so it must be chronicled – until their dying day. Ride or Die, busters.

A few other random thoughts on Fast 6:

- The final action sequence, which we'll refer to as "cars vs. freighter plane" is legitimately one of the greatest action sequences of all time. They nailed it. It also includes a great "Don'worryaboudit" moment in that the runway is conveniently 7 miles long. Perfection.

- Gina Carano, MMA Fighter-turned-actor, seems to have some real acting chops. Which is to say she's the perfect addition to this franchise at least. A nice addition.

- Funny how The Rock spent the first 5 years of his acting career trying to get away from his WWE past by shedding a ton of weight, pursuing roles that were at least ironic to his size, if not exactly counter to them. Since his inclusion in Fast 5, however, The Rock has got physically bigger than ever, accentuates his size more than ever via Under Armour (in these movies) or string thin wife-beaters (Pain & Gain) and is now even working in his vernacular from his days as WWE's "most electrifying man", frequently spewing "Son Bitch" and "Guaran-damn-tee" in Fast 6.

- It was kind of cool to see this take place, for the majority of the movie, in London. Being English, I know that our roads are probably a street racer's nightmare (hundreds of years old, filled with puddles, built for small cars and small people). That said, I can't quite put this above Fast 5 on my all time favorite list. Whether it's LA, Mexico, the Islands or Brazil, I firmly believe the Fast franchise fits best in tropical settings with a Latino-infused soundtrack. It goes better with the Coronas.

- Last thought: For the first time, the bad guy had intentions beyond just organized crime. I know they feel compelled to keep raising the stakes but I hope that for Fast 7, they don't get carried away with what the guys are up against. I'd rather see Toretto & O'Conner taking on those who threaten their lifestyle rather than those who threaten democracy. If we're not careful, Fast 9 will end by Toretto martyring himself for mankind by driving his 1970 Dodge Charger through the wall of the Starship Enterprise and into an earthbound meteor.....Hold up, let me write that down.

Footnotes:

*Vin Diesel did technically appear in the third installment, The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, but only for a second at the very end to tease his return in the 4th movie.

**I don't know if it was actually Seville but we know it was Spain. Let's not put too much focus on my geography and math for this point.

Photo Courtesy of www.thefastandthefurious.com

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“As If To Say, You Won’t Stay…” – Lark, Radiation City

There’s a moment in your adoption of a band into your regular rotation when they feel like they’re yours. Your discovery: your private little lullaby from which you draw happiness, heartache, catharsis, a pep-talk or dance to start the day. You know it can’t last forever and that one day, if they make you feel this way, they’ll make others feel it, too, until that lullaby becomes a collective anthem.

Sometime in summer 2011, an old friend sent an email notifying me and others that his new band was coming to New York and that he’d love to see us at the show. As friends do, we happily obliged; we wanted to see our buddy who lived on the other side of the country and support his new venture. So we bought our tickets, waited for the day of the gig and crossed our fingers that our post-show congratulatory remarks would not just be awkward, lip-service to a friend but earnest appreciation for what we’d heard.

For the past two years, through two releases – 2011’s The Hands That Take You and 2012’s Cool Nightmare EP – Radiation City have felt like they’re “mine”, even as their following grew and the buzz oscillated more wildly. Yet, with Animals in the Median – the band’s second full-length album, released this month – I realize the time has come where the lullaby will become the anthem….but for once, I know my love for the music will continue.

As someone who makes a living trying to monetize a product, it’s hard for me to not think in terms of profitability and all the components that drive it. But in 2 years’ worth of conversations with Cam, Lizzy, Randy, Matt and Patti of Radiation City, I’ve not heard a single goal mentioned. I’ve not heard a single utterance of money or target audience. Radiation City make the music they love and share it with whoever wants to listen. Their music is radio-worthy but not made for radio. Like their two releases before it, Animals in the Median is a beautiful album for all its unpredictability. It twists when you expect it to turn. It steadies when you expect it to rise. And it crescendos just when you thought you’d never get the pay-off you’d hoped for. Like all good things, it is delayed gratification or as the band put it in a Baeble Music interview* from that initial 2011 tour, “addition by subtraction”. What you get as a result, is music that gets better with each sitting. Two years of listening in, and this still holds true. While you are sustained by the beautiful vocals, clever lyrics and a well-measured dose of popiness, as the listener, you ultimately feel like you’ve earned the pay-off and the intimacy through attention to detail and discovery.

The track record of Radiation City to date suggests that even as they transition from the band I selfishly consider “mine” to that of a widespread following, they will only get better with time. So, for once, I’m comfortable letting go in the knowledge of what lies ahead. But for now, I – along with that growing audience – can simply enjoy Animals in the Median and the waning moments of our private lullaby.

Suggested Listening:

“Lark” from Animals in the Median: http://bit.ly/17bZPqF

“Foreign Bodies” from Animals in the Median: http://bit.ly/15hlj1m “Hide from the Night” from Cool Nightmare: http://bit.ly/12mCO3y “Babies” from The Hands That Take You: http://bit.ly/11h3dwe

References/Sources:

*Baeble Music interview from 2011: http://bit.ly/18EjPTs  

  Photo courtesy of www.radiationcity.net

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Blood, sluggish inside a lazy pumping heart that would bleed but only seldom and only for the curious ones; those who haven't lost their tongue.

Radiation City - Summer is Not an Act. 1

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A Remote Chance of Working

"I felt a great disturbance in The Force, as if millions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced" – Obi Wan Kenobi

  A Great Disturbance in The Force

Did you feel that? Yahoo! CEO Marissa Mayer just messed up your Qi. Mayer’s decision this week to ban telecommuting at her company has sent shockwaves way beyond the online media and advertising industry in which Yahoo! plays.  It took a high profile company in a struggle for relevance, a mold-breaking CEO and a casual disregard for the PR playbook but the fastest growing movement in the workplace just freaked out and punched the brakes.

A 2009 Forrester study predicted that 46% of the US workforce will telecommute, at least occasionally, by 2016. Of these projected 63 million people; some will work from home exclusively, some will have the choice to come and go from the office as they please and others may get assigned days where telecommuting is allowed, encouraged or mandated. Regardless, all 63 million will in some way embrace the mobility technology now affords us and have the freedom to manage their inevitably-overlapping personal and professional lives as they see fit.

Mayer isn’t betting against this trend. She’s very smart – smart enough to know people like the idea of working from home and that it’s becoming increasingly easier to do so. Rather, she’s questioning its value towards productivity and creativity and taking a hard stance. One I’m sure she believes is radical enough to turn the tides for Yahoo! culturally and – along with other key decisions - as a business. And so, the announcement was made: http://dthin.gs/1217aaV

As if a Million Voices Cried out in Terror

The reaction was loud and immediate. “Morale Killer” they yelled. “Outrageous” was the cry from the Yahoo! employee in the Kara Swisher article (linked above). Social media was instantly set ablaze by the news, particularly in online advertising industry circles. Some screamed back with fundamentally-valid yet merely ideological retorts in defense of the decision whilst others fumbled to justify it by piecing together parts of the new policy that exist in other companies, only to create a very different whole .

But perhaps the loudest and most unified response of all was that of working moms. Ever since Mayer decided last year that two weeks maternity leave would be sufficient rest for her to return to work after the birth of her first child, the debate has raged over whether she sets a bad precedent for other mothers and mothers-to-be who aspire to her career success. And now, just when that backlash from working moms had slowed to a simmer, Mayer’s new announcement ignited an understandable boil-over. Reports that Mayer is having a nursery built in her office took the work/life balance working moms have defined and turned it inside-out and on its head. Was the world’s most in-the-spotlight female CEO setting a new expectation of women that few could – or would want to – live up to? This will continue to be a related – but ultimately tangential—“time-will-tell” tale to that of the current telecommuting debate.

And Were Suddenly Silenced.

Unless you’re a Yahoo! employee, my bet is this large disturbance in the telecommuting trend and the subsequent screams will not affect you any more than they already have. Mayer thinks this decision is right for her company but I’m sure, for someone of that competitive nature, nothing would be more satisfying than seeing her decision not just work for Yahoo! but also prompt change among her competitors and even redirect how Americans and American company’s think about the value of the common workplace.  

But aside from isolated success of Mayer-like telecommuting bans, this will not become the norm. At a recent conference, entrepreneur, author and Vayner Media founder, Gary Vaynerchuk spoke to our company of the irresistible integration of evolving technology in people’s lives. As a company, he urged us “ride the wave, don’t fight it”. As long as the technology exists to allow employees to work remotely, companies should find ways to provide that flexibility or those same employees will only ask why they’re chained to a desk.  Until technology truly replaces the in-person interaction, companies should focus on making the office a place where employees want to be. Sure, ping-pong tables, nap rooms and free meals all help but how about just hiring passionate, smart and sociable people? The human desire for interaction will get your employees off their couches and into a place they can be around people like that.

Many Yahoo! employees may ultimately not be affected by the new policy. They’ve always gone into the office; they love the company and will continue on as usual.  For the rest, the job search begins and because they and the millions of people joining the workforce each year demand flexible work arrangements, a growing wave of companies will continue to supply that opportunity. So fret not. After a brief disturbance, the force will be restored to normal, the screams will subside and we can all get back to work—at home or wherever— in the post-outrage silence.

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Footnotes

I cannot definitively say “fastest” but, that said, “trend in the workplace” is hardly a definitive measurement to begin with. This casually thrown together list of observations from AOL agrees with the sentiment though (http://aol.it/hPooOo)

 http://bit.ly/YEZrcD - Forrester Research referenced

http://fxn.ws/YZGbX2 - "Morale Killer" reference

http://natpo.st/Y752ZQ - "Ideological retors" reference

http://yhoo.it/YDk7iY - "a very different whole" reference

http://read.bi/XbAozY "nursery in office" reference

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Part 4: A Response to Buzzfeed's "Would You Rather..."

Deep breath after the goat question and into the final stretch:

12. Would You Rather...

- Only be able to whisper

- Or only be able to shout

ANSWER: Only be able to whisper - Excessive whispering or excessive shouting would both become tiresome as a friend. That said, I know what a microphone is and I know where to get one. What's the opposite of a microphone? A pillow for muffling? Bane's mask filled with cotton wool? Ear plugs for everyone? The whispering problem has much more practical solutions. Plus with all the leaning into people's ears, everyone will think you're a fountain of secrets.

13. Would You Rather...

- Eat a pine cone

- Poop a pine cone

ANSWER: Eat a pine cone - because it's something else I can put Sriracha on.

14. Would You Rather...

- Change gender every time you sneeze...

- Not be able to tell the difference between a muffin and a baby.

ANSWER: Not be able to tell the difference between a muffin and a baby - At first I thought, how often do I really sneeze? I could learn a lot from momentary visitations into the world of women. I could write and star in "What Women Want 2" and recast the Helen Hunt role. But then I realized I might go months, even years between sneezes and be stuck as a woman. Furthermore, I don't eat muffins, so I won't be scarring babies with teeth marks. Fortunately, babies and muffins tend not to be in similar situations. If I see a muffin in a stroller, I'll do the math. I'll take this option and adjust to getting tired of pictures of my friends' muffins on facebook.

15. Would You Rather...

- Watch your parents have sex every day of your life

- Or join in once to stop it.

ANSWER: Define "join in".

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Part 3: A Response to Buzzfeed's "Would You Rather..."

I'm going to knock out a couple of questions that - for me, at least - were no brainers. And then it gets real.

8. Would You Rather...

- Never have to worry about money

- Or live in a world with Pokémon

ANSWER: Never have to worry about money - Show me the person who wants to live in a world with Pokémon and I'll show you a person who's never put a moment's thought into money (or much else, for that matter).

9. Would You Rather...

- Bet the best racquetball player in the world

- Or find $65 on the street

ANSWER: Be the best racquetball player in the world - Even if the assertion here is true (Racquetball sucks), I'll take best in the world at anything over $65 with hope that level of mastery translates to something else.

10. Would You Rather...

- Speak any language fluently

- Or be able to talk to animals

ANSWER: Speak any language fluently - Talking to dogs is fun. I've asked many a dog "don't you just love your cuddles?" but I'm pretty certain that imagining their response ("oh, what's that you say? you're the cuddlemaster?") is way better than what they'd really tell you ("yeah I love'em, what of it?").

11. Would You Rather...

- Not have sex with a goat but have everyone think you did

- Or have sex with a goat and nobody will ever find out

ANSWER: If you think this just turned into some gross adolescent frat house conversation, think again. This question about goat sex is actually a profound inspection into character. Are you someone who cares more about what people think of you or is knowing who you are (in this case, not a goatf***er) all that matters? If you subscribe to the idea that "perception is reality" then I hope your bovidal coitus is brief and painless. Personally, I think "perception is reality" is real but short-lived. It's not like the world will be frequently polling the population to identify those who've slept with goats. You won't get to puff out your chest and proudly lie, "no I've never had sex with a goat!" because nobody will ask. In this scenario, if you choose perception over reality, you'll just be someone who we assume has not had sex with a goat but who every night, after 5 showers, goes to bed clinging onto a pillow and crying for your mommy.

On the flip side, sure you get mass ridicule and a high chance of social anxiety but again, time will pass. Everyone knows the Richard Gere & the gerbil urban legend (http://bit.ly/fUzQw) and the same with Rod Stewart (http://bit.ly/15OL6j1). I'm 99% certain the Richard Gere one is false, I'm 80% certain the Rod Stewart is also false, and judging by their careers - the court of public opinion has dismissed these as disgusting but highly-unlikely. Why? Maybe because they evaluated the likelihood, maybe because time passed and they stopped thinking about it or maybe because if you're really good at somethingother than what you've allegedly done, people forgive and overlook. Heck, weknow Chris Brown beat up Rihanna and he just went Platinum. Why? Because he can sing and dance his ass off. So, in summary, I'll take the ridicule, I'll live in a world that - for now - perceives me to have f***ed a goat and I'll sleep peacefully at night until they no longer care.

[observationsinexile]

Part 2: A Response to Buzzfeed's "Would You Rather..."

4. Would You Rather..

- Sweat Mayo

- Have to Poop a Softball

ANSWER: Poop a softball - One agonizing sitting or lifetime of clammy encounters and "High Five....Hold the Mayo" jokes?

5. Would You Rather...

- Talk Like Jar Jar Binks

- Look Like Jar Jar Binks

ANSWER: Talk like Jar Jar Binks - On one hand you can live on the beach in Jamaica and do occasional voice-over work, on the other hand you can come out in public once a year for Comic-Con and still get shunned by Star Wars fanboys.

6. Would You Rather...

- Have a Dragon

- Be a Dragon

ANSWER: Have a Dragon - The mere upkeep of looking after a dragon was almost enough for me to opt for the truly unknown existence of being a dragon. I mean, you'd really have to embrace being a dragon. You couldn't try and live your old human life as a dragon; watching Downton Abbey on an undersized couch, constantly resituating your giant tail, head scraping up against the ceiling. No, you'd have to fly around scaring the bejesus out of your friends and after a day pure havoc, retire to a lonely cave to avoid capture. That's no life. So you take the pet dragon, show it off in its infancy, then put it in mini-storage in the hope that Hagrid comes to take it off your hands.

7. Would You Rather...

- Be sexually attracted to fruit

- Or have Cheetos dust permanently stuck on your fingers

ANSWER: Be sexually attracted to fruit - As much as a trip through the produce aisle at Whole Foods would be an epic test of self-control, I'd come out the other side with spotless fingers. That's way better than the alternative. Even if you think Cheetos are delectable, there's that moment after you finish that last nugget of corn, sodium and orange dye, when you look helplessly at your gunk-covered fingers like they're going to magically clean themselves. That moment when you look at your hands like they're covered in blood and think "what have I done?". You'd have to live with that moment of self-loathing for the rest of your life! Nobody's going to want to touch that hand. You might as well be this guy...

[observationsinexile]

A Response to Buzzfeed's "Would You Rather..." Part 1

On February 12th, Buzzfeed posted The 15 Hardest "Would You Rather" Questions You Will Ever Be Asked: http://bit.ly/Yb8cKW

Answering questions like these takes a lot rationalizing with your self and before you know it you sound like DJ Qualls' character in Road Trip (http://bit.ly/NgWD5)- "cos it's your dog!" So in the hope that someone assuages my tentative self-rationalization, here's my thought process on each question and answer:

1. Would You Rather...

- Be 4'5"

- Be 7'7"

ANSWER: 7'7" - This is a thousand times easier for women to answer. Not that any woman yearns to be 4ft 5 inches tall but I guarantee, if you are a woman, you looked at these options and immediately picked being "short but cute" over "holy crap." For a guy, it's harder. If you're image-conscious, they both suck but you're way more likely to have proportionate features at 4'5" than at 7'7". If you're 4'5" and positioned next to miniature furniture, you'd at least look pretty regular in photos and could lead a decent virtual life (whatever that is) on Facebook. There's no hiding being 7'7". So why pick it? At 7'7", I'd at least be able to get a season in the NBA. I wouldn't even consider myself a basketball fan but, hey, better a 7'7' pro athlete than a 4'5" loiterer around tiny furniture.

2. Would You Rather...

- Have legs as long as your fingers

- Have fingers as long as your legs

ANSWER: Legs as long as my fingers - Pretty straightforward: I'm certain that prosthetics for legs are far more advanced than they are for fingers. Opt for the tiny fingerlegs then immediately amputate them and replace with prosthetics. Oscar Pistorius running in the Olympics really happened. Luke Skywalker getting his hand replaced with a fully functional robo-hand did not. And yes, it's still ok to reference Pistorius in this respect

3. Would You Rather...

- Be able to run at 100 mph

- Be able to fly at 10 mph

ANSWER: Fly at 10 mph - I tried to weigh up the advantages of running 100mph. 1) you could dominate many sports...but unless you ran at just a couple mph faster than the normal human being, the competitive imbalance would be too great to draw any satisfaction from it. 2) you could come in really handy in emergencies...but "Get Things Fast Guy" still falls short of cool superhero status. 3) you could get to and from work much more quickly...but it doesn't say you wouldn't be chronically fatigued and dripping with sweat. Nope, I'd rather majestically soar over people at a pedestrian pace en route to the office. Not to mention, you could have self-satisfied conversations like this

Some Dude: I'm telling you, you've just gotta go to Montauk, it's a pain cos of the winding roads but still, it's only like a 60 mile drive.

You: Oh yeah? How far is it as the me flies?

[observationsinexile]

Before Bed: A Literal Recipe for Nightmares

2 Quick Thoughts from the Packaged Meats Section of my local supermarket:

If you're thinking "ugh, that's an insult to my real chicken meatloaf recipe", you're disgusted by this for all the wrong reasons.

If you find yourself reaching for Mock Chicken Meatloaf and think you’ve hit rock bottom, reach a little further to the right and enjoy the breeze from the free-fall before irreversibly face planting into Meat, Macaroni and Cheese loaf.

Good Night!

[observationsinexile]

That Was The Dress Rehearsal, Right?

On a night filled with recognition, there was really only one way for the producers of The Academy Awards to get theirs: fail miserably.

Like a successful sports referee, an awards show producer should know they’ve delivered when nobody is talking about them. In every respect, this should have been the easiest show for a producer to fly under the radar. Buoyed by arguably the most competitive Best Picture Nominees in a decade, producers Craig Zadan and Neil Meron should have followed the tried and true formula of showcasing Hollywood’s A-List, investing in moving video segments and letting the host do what they do best (more on that in a second). So a tip of the hat to Messrs.’ Zadan & Meron - for the reasons below and I’m sure many others that I’m thankfully still unaware of - tonight was your night.

General Production: It felt like planning for the show ended at the exact moment the brainstorming stopped. From abrupt shifts in subject matter (video footage of the Technical Oscars suddenly ending > cut to a shocked looking Seth MacFarlane), to haphazard and inconsistent nominations format (references to earlier Adele & Les Mis performances, 2 video performances, 1 brief Nora Jones sighting), this felt like Oscars v1.0

Host: Seth MacFarlane should by no means get a free pass. He seemed tentative and unpolished for much of the show. But when you get through what I’m sure is an exhaustive host selection process, surely you let them do what made them your choice in the first place. The Oscars may have proven to be too big stage for Seth MacFarlane, but at least let him go down with his best stuff. As the show wore on and became more unhinged (and unproduced), MacFarlane got better when what was openly becoming a mess gave him freedom to do what he does best: making a mockery of what’s in front of him.

Opening: For an over 20 minute opening segment, could they have not drawn upon some bigger (and more current) names than William Shatner and Daniel Radcliffe? The one great live performer they had on stage, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, had to play down to the lowest common denominator rather than be showcased himself.

50 Years of Bond: The single greatest movie franchise of all time reaches its 50th Anniversary and it gets a 2 minute video I could have made on my 3 year old laptop. Despicable.

Rhythm/Pacing: It’s 11:26pm as write this. There are 4 minutes left of the scheduled show and we’re yet to see Best Actor, Actress, or Film. Do you think a rushed acceptance speech by the Best Actor will be cool in the eyes of the (quoted in the show) almost-1 Billion strong audience because they got to see 3 minutes of Catherine Zeta-Jones lip sync a song from a 2002 movie?

A few other unrelated thoughts:

Shirley Bassey: Wow, I did not expect her to still be able to perform like that.

Kelly Rowland: Did anyone see her on the Red Carpet? Was there literally nobody else for that job? Are we so obsessed with Beyoncé that Kelly gets jobs of this magnitude out of sympathy?

Kristin Chenoweth: Speaking of Red Carpets, after Kristin Chenoweth's desperate "I can relate to all you A listers" interviews, I can see why she needs an emotional support dog: http://news.msn.com/rumors/rumor-kristin-chenoweth-harassed-for-bringing-dog-onto-plane

Kristen Stewart: As if the dragged-through-a-bush and into-a-designer-dress look wasn't enough; as if the constant hair-scratching and uneasy eye contact wasn't enough; Kristen Stewart's phlegmy cough into the microphone while co-presenter Daniel Radcliffe spoke was her last ditch attempt to let you know just how much she's totally over all this success.

Hugh Jackman: Of course he was first out of his chair to help a felled Jennifer Lawrence up from the floor.

Jennifer Lawrence/Bradley Cooper: The only comment I'll make on winners or snubs is that although Jennifer Lawrence deserved her Best Actress Oscar, it's a shame Bradley Cooper didn't get equal recognition for what I felt was a much more challenging and nuanced performance of "crazy" compared to Lawrence's in Silver Linings Playbook.

[observationsinexile]