Words falling like Raindrops

Sometimes it's a storm and sometimes it's a drought. Some drops are real and some are imaginary. *Caution: this blog does not use trigger warnings*

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Welcome to my Tumblr

where I've been

~screaming into the void~

for the past ten years

Signed,

an anyonmous internet stranger

//joined on October 23rd 2016//

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

And please just go fuck yourself.

That would actually solve a lot of my problems.

So please and thank you

Go fuck yourself

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

"I'm not a career woman", she confessed. "On the contrary I long to be unimportant. To have a life without responsibilities. Without people relying on me. I long for a life without notifications and dates in my calendar. Maybe that makes me a bad feminist. But all I want is a quiet life reading in a hammock in my garden."

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

I grew up with a man so terrified of change

That I myself became terrified of staying stagnant

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

"You left. You left. You left", the little girl screamed at her brother. At the boy she once thought of as her hero.

"You left and you promised me you wouldn't do that. You promised me it would always be the two of us. The two of us against the world. You promised me we would face this world together. As a team. To broken kids who can't fulfill their parent's expectations, remember? That is what you promised me. But you left.

You left. You left. You left.

And I don't think I can ever forgive you for that."

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Just a reminder:

You don't need to forgive them

Even if they come crawling, begging, bawling to you, you don't.

You don't own anyone your forgiveness, your kindness, your mercy.

And even if people tell you:

forgiveness is for you

Which it is

You don't need to forgive them

You're allowed to stay angry, pissed off, fucking disappointed in them.

You're also allowed to just feel nothing.

You're allowed to move on without giving them your forgiveness.

You're allowed to do, fo feel, to act with whatever feels right for you.

Just a reminder you know

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

"Happy Pride Month", she said, because she was proud. God was she proud.

Even though she'd never actually told anyone aside from strangers on the Internet that she was aromantic, probably aroace. Not because she was afraid she'd not be accepted but because explaining it sounded like a fucking chore and didn't that make her an awesome member of the alphabet warriors.

"Happy Pride Month", she said, because she was proud. God was she proud.

Even though sometimes deep in the night when she was yet again curled up alone in her bed she yearned more than anything to be held, touched, kissed, desired by someone. To be someone's special someone. Someone's first priority.

"Happy Pride Month", she said, because she was proud. God was she proud.

Even though she still had doubts sometimes. Like when she read about other asexuals hating masturbation and sex. Maybe, maybe liking that meant she wasn't? Stupid stupid stupid. It's a spectrum. But maybe, maybe actually looking forward to the date with this guy meant she wasn't aro? Stupid, stupid, stupid. You'll call it off three months later like you always do. But maybe, maybe, she was actually into girls? Yeah, no chance.

"Happy Pride Month", she said, because she was proud. God was she proud.

Even though she was sometimes terrified of dying lonely and forgotten in a nursing home at the age of 90 because there was no husband, no wife, no kids. No fucking kids around.

"Happy Pride Month", she said, because she was proud. God was she proud.

Even though sometimes she wished she didn't have to be. Because that would make life so much fucking easier.

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

"It's a weird weather today", she said. "It's like the sky can't decide whether to be happy or sad."

And then she didn't say anything more. Just looked at the blue, blue sky streaked with white and grey clouds, a quiet smile on her face as if she was laughing at her own private joke.

I didn't answer because there was nothing to answer to.

"An odd day to pick for the sky to show such weird weather, don't you think?"

I looked at her then. At her pale blue eyes and the upturn of her lips. "Why?", I asked because this time I couldn't stay quiet.

"Because it's such a happy day, isn't it?"

And I supposed it was.

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

It was a random Wednesday

When she went to work the last time

Here at this company she spent eight hours a day for the last six years

A random Wednesday

That would change her life forever

It was kind of crazy to think about

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

They ask me why I'm moving.

And the simple truth: There's no reason for me to stay. And that is reason enough to leave.

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Random ramblings about my life #17

I took out a fire today

Took some water to a burning fucking car and just soaked it

I had a breathing apparatus on today

Yeah I felt pretty cool today

And did some cool good shit while feeling like a fucking hero

I kind of needed that

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

"And I hate when people are saying 'unalived'", he told her.

"I hate that apparently we as a society got so used to bubble wrapping the hard things for each other that we can't even admit that people die, that people get murdered, that people kill themselves and commit suicide.

I hate that we shy away from the topic of death and grief so much that we can't say it like it is: People die, people are dead and that sucks a lot sometimes.

And I hate that we fucking can't admit that sometimes it doesn't suck. Sometimes someone dies and it doesn't bother you. Maybe it makes you even a little glad. I hate that we as a society can't admit that that's just a fact that exists. That it's not a crime to maybe not grieve an abusive family member just like it's perfectly understandable if you actually do grieve them.

Death is complicated enough. Let's not make it more complicated by not admitting that it doesn't exist."

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

And sometimes in her darkest moments the girl doubted she was a good person.

Filled with anger and frustration and hatred for the world and its people.

Filled with this deep rooted sadness and the conviction that she wasn't truly loved by anyone.

And then she looked at her nephew, watched him as he self-evidently put himself into her lap just to be close to her and she thought maybe, maybe she wasn't so bad.

If this child trusted her so naturally, trusted that she would never ever raise her voice or hand against him, maybe she was okay.

And she vowed with a conviction reserved just for him that she would make sure he never doubted himself like she did.

She would make sure that he viewed the world with hope and optimism.

And if he couldn't that he at least would always know there were people that loved him.

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

"Your fun now", her aunt told the girl. "Good for you."

And the girl smiled because clearly it was meant as a compliment. Not as a back handed insult.

She didn't mention that she'd simply learned to mask better.

That she simply realized that being quiet, being introverted, being different was viewed as being weird in this world.

Didn't mention that she'd realized she wouldn't get far in this society if she was her true self.

She didn't mention how she'd learned to keep her frustrations and her tears behind closed doors.

How she learned to be detached from her own emotions, never feeling too deeply.

Or if something did slip to wait until she was back home to break down after social situations.

She was pretty sure that wouldn't count as "being fun now."

No instead she just thanked her and said something about "growing up".

She would cry later about it.

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

And you know what, brother dear

Fuck you

My birthday was yesterday

And now you're all like "Happy Belated"

Like it isn't too little too late

I'm too far gone and too pissed off

I've gone through too many stages of grief

To even care anymore

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

And I'm done pretending like your actions don't hurt me

I'm done being the first one to say "it's okay" when it clearly isn't

I'm done making up excuses for your shitty behavior

I'm done acting like I understand why you do what you do when I don't

[obsessedwithreadingandwriting]

Dear brother.

you forgot.

Again.

I'm not going to pretend I'm surprised.

After all you forgot last year as well.

Got a message days later attached with that stupid laughing emoji.

I don't think you even once considered apologizing just made up excuses after you realized I was mad.

But tell me is it truly too much for a "Happy Birthday" message on my actual birthday?

You know I don't think so

But then I have slowly realized over the past three years that you never think

And that you've never not once in your life considered my feelings