Looking back at the exchange, I must have gone into hibernation until just now. There is no excuse for no reply I tell myself. I read all the replies and the pictures....🤩 well, they fucking rock. 4 or 5 days into the never ending binge cycle. Has it been 3 or 4 years since I gave in? Read that again, “I gave in”……Is that the same as giving up? … Who just gives away cash? I did. why does my head and body tell me to sleep when at the same time my head tells me to stay awake, Do something, anything so I don’t think about “it” I wont stop looking for the peace I need. You see, I live for the dreams I know are there and suppressed. That’s no good at all. Team no sleep is not a choice for me. It’s the worse of two evils, just pick the less painful….feeling lucky aren’t ya. It hit me in the face like the burn of bad dope. Why not take my skills or what’s left of em and apply them to the late up all night crews, the strippers and the dealers, addicts and portrayers. It is my choice! Don’t school me on that shit. How about I help yiu out. You know who you are. A ball in your pocket don’t make you scareface my man. It makes you a grimey addict who has a hustle. Does it really take three dudes to sell a gram? And why can’t y’all have a car…restructure your finances, secure lending, add in some marketing work, get to know the strengths and weakness of your customer, buy at wholesale , sell at retail, and be happy with money rolling in, everybody gets a cut of the profit. You make a name, get a rep as a stand up guy. Put a little effort, get a little ahead. Nope, didn’t want to listen, neither did I . Next came the stripper citizenship and body funding. Now that worked, she listened and got not only legal status, but reshaped her sexy ass and body for her man when he got out. One of my favs.
I admit, I’m a lousy drug dealer…I like drugs. Uh oh. I’m a lousy pimp, I have a conscience and I like the girls too much. Too much content making and not enough business.. no wonder they didn’t work, I was feeding them like a atm and not even getting a discount…on and on, late night hood Uber turns to let’s jack his ride. Partnerships became me pay, they buy, I get nothing. My life as a bail bondsman sucked. Sure, post a bond. Never get e penny back , benefactor to anyone needing anything. They must have thought me plain dumb. I mean wtf… I called It research, observing, fitting in. Making connects, find who need s help and help them if they have a good head and better heart. I was selective. Also made some poor choices with my Dick, but I own that too. It ain’t your fault…. Reality for me was self destructive and when the money is gone, so am I…what went wrong with that. Well I fell in love, I’m poly, discovered. I can love coke as much as meth at the same time! Sex and drugs, the ducking bomb….sex, drugs, rock & roll and I’m living a rockstar life. Apparently I see when I dive and follow the path we tend to follow. For every weaker who needed the little bit extra , took a generous cut, devised a wild plan with a j walking arrest included to the going black. One day your here, then gone for two months till word comes back , and yiu say “hey is that you? “ I developed a thirst For some really nasty low down, I’m a I don’t give a fuck jailhouse mentality. Always strapped with multiple,guns. These are my weapons, there are many like them, but these are mine. These are for fighting and one is for fun. only way to keep my sanity and rid myself of the nightmares of what became my life. my life that keeps me from sleep, from thinking from the bulls hit of the real world. My fun spun crowd got nothing to the San Antonio business elites and the. Modern Native American tribal extortion rackets they have. All in all , lost more than 500 k to the legal business thief’s and friends I called. Pure scams, just more sophisticated and in greater value… investments, cash small biz…gone now. Friends gone. Family dead to me.
What’s up is that add all the bail money, drug money, business opportunity money and basic can I spare a dollar money it pales in comparison. The places to stay, hotels, food, the need some help money, still don’t add up. The difference is in how they get at it. Way more interesting , but there is no honest thief. What’s worse than a thief? Who is the low of the low? The family who join in the food fight “for the principle” well, this story is not about them, but you need to know they exists and why
…I’d give up, but that drive, that desire is my motivation. Instilled by years of repetition and a character trait born from a warriors ethos. . My dreams are mine and mine alone. You can’t have them. I’m a greedy bastard, share the good ones and keep the bad ones I say. I want in real life, the dreams they can’t take away. I refuse the notion, my symphony in motion will never be. You’re real. I know it. Your out there And just as I’m about to achieve enlightenment it……….I wake the fuck up. God damm that sucks..a dream about a dream. Never more sayeth the Raven
The luck I have is consistent. The phone dies and I’m in left in a black hole....the speeds I want to achieve are not even comparable to how fast Im able to drop from my miller’s high life to the slow emergence of reality, the low life. The experiment in a sometimes focused, forced effort mostly, but always a futile experimennt called an obsession of the things I tried is the framework to achieving inner peace. I have in my head space, among the memories of yesterday and yesteryear, the answer to my question. And now a word from our sponsor….
Jesus, will someone get this guy outta here. Get home and get laid will ya ….Fuck, he sounds like the Vampire Lestat moaning on and on to his partner ( no homo there bro) for centuries how much he hates being an ageless immortal with good skin, hot babes, and no cash flow problems like the rest of us….get your complimentary bottle of Uber Lube wherever fine sex toys are sold… back to our sponsors story kids…..
I don’t know about y’all but you know, I like that moment …..It’s when you wake up and look around in the exact position you last remember, asking yourself “ shit! Did I pass out , wiped out…..was it 5 min or 5 hours ? Am I dreaming again wondering if I survived the zombie apocalypse .. I begin by thinking about this and that. I think of the The places Ive been and how I acted ..... the body took control over my decisions since it felt as though I was out of control. I’m left now empty and I’m stuck in the fuck. And wasn’t I talking to someone or was I reading …. if it all was just a dream, or was it Maxell Tape media ( plug bonus if you get the references) …..was she real, did that just happen? , sadness realizing it was just a short time ago. Yes, you have crossed the addict line for sure dude. On that shot. Yup, no longer in the recreational use category. No, it’s real alright. It’s real as a motherfucker . That’s confusion. Knowing the reason don’t makes a fucking difference no how. Stop crying bout your own choice…it’s your bed, live with it and don’t sleep in it. Make it your bitch….if little baby Jesus. little 6 lbs, 4 oz baby Jesus wanted you to have emotions, your momma would have named you after Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman , or worse ….
Why now? What’s up with all this feelings and shit ?
....I’m back where I started a few years ago, maybe days ago....dazed and confused . All I wanted was some spun fun with a never ending thirst for hot, nasty sex. Such a life of a man whore, a quest for the one who makes it fun, but first, let’s get spun. Yet again I’m left empty,, I’m bummed , I’m numb. Then I heard the words from above.
“My son, your....Going too fast.” And “ why not give it a try, just a little bit..it won’t hurt ya” “stop being a pussy and at least get some pussy to enhance the man whoreagasm ? What happens if I slow down and go fast? What happens is no good. I mean Everything slows. It’s slows to a crawl. Impossible to show, , well no...all I can say is no time here, it’s in a bottle and starts to feel like it takes forever. I slows to a stop. Just like my fucking bowels. Fuck, now I have that to deal with? Jesus fucking Christ, can’t anything be easy? Not only is it hard af, but I’m in sexual overdrive and all I can feel is I need to go…..gotta go, gotta go…..you know. I see and share that nod. I don’t know Toto, but I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore..and who the fuck are these little fucking green dudes on the set? Green Shadow motherfuckers? That was weird
....minute by minute it’s okay. You find when slowing down you can come to see the best in class, I want this shit to last and last...you in the zone now mfr. Shit just became real dangerous now. I heard you can’t OD on Ms Icey T…..leave it to me to select my drug of choice I can’t finish myself with…I know, right? Like I started with weed, then did some acid, backed into some good hash, a few lines of coke…man I though I was so fucking cool…no worrries at all , standing tall….like a fucking rock I was, (thanks bob and Chevy, borrowed your line, sort of, but I hear it in my head) yiu hear it too? Right ?
On the 3 year anniversary of my first shot. I decide to experiment more and initiate “The Slow down to go faster Protocol”. Or as you might know it as Speedballs. Never thought I’d be there. Never. But hear I am. My own little baby ball of sticky sweet tar. Holy fuck. I told my gramps as a kid, no way, pot is no stepping stone drug. It’s completely safe and the stories are all made up GOVT scare tactics. Look, yesterday it was the doomsday drug, today it’s the miracle drug! And for our next act…..I mean how the hell did that happen? Shit, go to Iraq and Afghanistan to conduct the purge , get back and now it’s legal and safe? Something smells like fish taco Tuesday ….. jus saying. Yup, once they cut to the local govt is figured out, hello profits and healthy uses of poor old gramps stepping stone gateway drug thesis ….his work, a good 10 years, maybe more … research, studies, interviews, publications, all that work is now…..irrelevant, gone. Hell ya, I said to myself! I was right gramps…..gramps? Hello gramps, where are you?
Let me tell you what happened and where this came from. when you wake up and look around in the exact position you remember you were in 8 hours ago , as usual self checks initiate and assure all systems are a “go”... we have greens across the board, wake up sequence iniates in 3, 2, 1, .....eyes open, confused..is it morning, noon, or night? Don’t know.....I gotta rid my system of this pressure, I’m holding it , commence movement....hand conducts inspection, hard as a rock….(again, credit to segar) do you hear it, I hear it….you don’t? I just finished my first , all on my own Brown Town abuse! Yeah! I did it to wake wakwmspeedball. Ahhhhhhh shiiiiiiat. I’m in love ....I’m a big boy now mom and dad.
Shit, I’m in love Again ...... what a bitch!
..... the body took control over my decisions since it felt as though I was out of control. For real. I’m back where I started 5 days prior....dazed and confused on a never ending quest to feel, feel what you miss, the touch, the lips, the eyes, the hair, the small twinge on the head of my shit and the warmth from my azzzzzzz as she flows through from the paisley flashpoint all the way to my head. Do I like it? You tell me. My notes from my experiment are here:
Here I lay, alone. I don’t look the part. Time to start. I make my point , your honor, your honor. front to back, feeling like shit cause I feel the need to have her all the way. Never felt that….god damm what a fucking shot. This is next level shit, off the fucking charts down to my hairy ass. Wait! What a this? My libido is nowhere near when I’m visiting aunt Tina, the work makes clear , this brown is like eating honeydew dining in Xanadu . A warmth you know? I’ve felt it before, a sensation of pleasure you have sorely missed.. my thoughts of pain are now dismissed. I’m left stunned, a smile,across my face . It not the first, but baby, it won’t be the last, cause all I want now, is to go slow and turn up the volume; I’m still going fast. Remember kids, if your not first, your last….
I’m bummed, there’s no fun, she gone. Im left spun and looking at my gun …. Gramps,was right all along.
I’m .....Going too fast to go too Slow ...... Everything slows, to show, don’t go. I can’t recover and can’t replace that. Fuck now I’m using work like a mfkr, 2-3 zips a month or more. That was after the coke, I mean serious levels of shitty cut up coke and trying to figure out a way to get more, more, more , and more…. A small boxing match with alcohol, thank allah, I’m a lousy driver on booze…damm I love me some tequila , scotch , and mixing it up with JD. never felt it, but Vegas did. Runs of booze and plenty of icy fueled craps table shouts …. New shooter . Damm right, new shooter....minute by minute it’s okay and when slowing down you can come to see that as the best in class, it will never last? You now know why you must get the answers or just give up. Slow down to go faster and meet your maker. I get it, finally. Really I do, It’s over, what’s left?
Five years plus…..I’m right back where I started. Fuck me…I went on the needle for selfish reasons. It was to help her see my words were real. I feel the same as you. We can beat it. I bought into that 12 step shit, determined to make a difference. I was wrong. Did it so wrong , but I did it and I own that shit. I’m making it my bitch….if I make it outta here alive, what a fucking story my family, my kids and my friends will be so horrified to read about. They will be scared shitless because they never really knew who I was locked inside myself. My dilemma is which is the real me. The Boy Scout or the Damaged Cav Scout who never was anything other than a trooper. Shout out to all my brothers with the First Team, America’s Team…..First Calvary Division, Garry Owen! All in all I’m not fucked up because I served and did some nasty shit in a free fire zone longer than some of you even been alive. nope, my choice and I live with the outcomes. I say if it weren’t for my brothers in arms, I’d really be fucked up…some of my tweakers display the same mental toughness, others, not so much…I just wish, I may, wish I might, make a wish tonight that some of y’all wake the fuck up stop being so sketchy, grow a set and grab me hard. Think about someone other than the someone who tucked you , stole from you, played you, and caused undue pain to you…it’s called life and we all live it.
I dedicate myself to helping those who want the help, I will do within my power to lend a hand and assist, not do, but assist you whatever that looks like. And if you wanna to, ya know ,, have a slam bam thank you ma’am time….well who am I to deny you? Thank you babe for helping me to know myself , but you know I can never get lost. You know who you are senorita. Miss you on this, our anniversary when you brought me back to life. as much as I miss my Porsche’s, all of them still don’t make even one of you.
Slow Down to Go Faster. I’m here for you. I’ve heard about a peyote ritual in a sweat tent or box in Arizona ….. people wonder why I want to visit the southwest ….
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