so uh. i have like. zero muse for lotor right now and with the @wallace-cup in full swing on my pokémon blog @hisvanity, i’m pretty darn swamped for the time being. i will return, however, and when that happens, expect me to be moving blogs. after the new season it juts feels right. the only things i will reply to for the next week or two are starters from @hellsgreatestdetective, @stasismort and @aquasoared, as well as asks that have been sitting in my inbox unanswered for a long time. during this time you can also hit me up for plotting if you like--we can get things started on the new blog once i have it up.
also though? thank you so much to everyone who stayed with me through my rants and through my absence. you guys are amazing and i wouldn’t trade you for the world. <3
[insert “love you all” in altean except i haven’t come up with a phrase for that yet. :P]
so i'm thinking about what i'm gonna do for my new blog and i just
mainverse lotor (aka this one): actually sort of a good???? but don't let that fool you he's still fucking terrible
canon verse lotor: horrible. disgusting. worst muse i've ever played and likely hands down the worst lotor in the fandom. will probably definitely earn me a callout post because of how bad he is. i shouldn't kid myself here he's not even canon lotor he's canon lotor turned up to eleven with the knob broken off holy shit.
hi it’s 12 am ive taken melatonin and i literally STILL can’t go to sleep because im too angry at the apologists in the lotor and lotura tags
forreal though they’re also why im leaving hoetor for a while i just wanna be able to think about and read about my favorite character without 1) being reminded of my own mental breakdowns by his sanity slippage scene and 2) seeing people trying to justify his experimentation thanks
so i’m in a better mental state today and i know where i’m going for the future. i’m 99.9% sure i’ll be jumping to a new blog after this season because given the new season’s information i wanna get shit reorganized. other than a starter reply for @hellsgreatestdetective that i have owed for almost a month, i’ll be spending the next week or so developing altean history and culture on @altealives so i can decompress and get away from lotor because i’ve definitely psychologically projected more into this character than is healthy (see: yesterday’s mini breakdown over his sanity slippage) and i definitely need the step back.
naxam for now, friendos. go follow me on my space elf blog and watch me weeb out over a fictional people
god i’m still stuck between thinking s6 lotor was a shitty idea that should never have been done and twistedly enjoying him like??? me, staring @ s6 lotor: bitch you’re dead to me i hope you choke. also me, staring @ my lotor in his canon verse: listen tian, you can make him as horrific as you want. no limits. go fucking HAM. what if he’s eaten people like you hc galra commanders do and enjoyed it. what if he raped some of the women and men that he experimented on. and since you already headcanon that he had an affair with romelle’s mother in his mainverse what if bandor was his illegitimate son that he killed so that no one would find out. go on. go do it. YOU’RE FREE
anyway i think i need to take a break from lotor for a while. catch me on @altealives because fUCK YEAH I CALLED IT MONTHS AGO THERE ARE STILL ALTEANS LEFT.
i’m still seething from yesterday so here have some more rants and spoilers
if they do ANYTHING to make haggar redeemed or seem like “not as bad of a person as she could’ve been,” i’m dropping the show.
why? because i’m not just going to sit idly and fucking accept that the character who reminds me of my abusive mother gets a good ending while the character who reminds me of me gets screwed over by the writers. i wanted to see lotor confront the mother that he loved and grow toward accepting that she was haggar this whole time because fuck it, that’s what my story is--confronting the monster who is my mother and learning to cope with the fact i’m never gonna be able to stick her like the pig she is, i just have to live. that would have been a much more compelling plotline than the clusterfuck we got because uh? STORYTELLING? GOOD FUCKING REPRESENTATION OF ABUSE VICTIMS?!
and now i’m worried that haggar, now that she has become honerva, is gonna be at least “not as bad of a person as she could’ve been” because of that one quote she said about her “maternal instincts” being “suppressed.” like are you KIDDING ME? TEN THOUSAND YEARS OF TORMENT AND THAT’S YOUR EXCUSE? god i hope dreamworks doesn’t swallow their own shit here and play that off as an actual excuse because holy fuck, that would be the absolute worst. i literally saw myself in lotor and my mother in the person who abused him and i will be even more physically fucking sick than i already am. I DON’T WANT TO WATCH A SHOW WHERE THE ABUSE VICTIM DOESN’T GET A CHANCE BUT THE ABUSER DOES.
if they actually do redeem lotor or make him at least “not as bad of a person as he could’ve been” like a ton of lotor stans want to see, i’m dropping the show.
and to all the lotor fans who still think he is a good person who can be redeemed after this: fuck you, too. there’s NO coming back from experimenting on your own people. i know you wish it didn’t happen. i wish it didn’t happen either. but if we’re talking in the context of canon and not what we wish canon would be, it is what it is and moving forward, canon lotor can NEVER be explained away or excused so stop fucking trying.
i highly doubt they wanna go this way and i highly doubt he’s even coming back because as they said in an entertainment weekly interview, the zarkon and lotor arcs had different “energies” and they are promising a “new energy” which probably implies that it won’t have anything to do with lotor. but i mean. on the off chance he does and gets the ending that all the zealots are hoping for. i’ll be even more upset than i already am because the only thing worse than making the abuse victim self-destruct is redeeming someone who has shown that he doesn’t deserve it, no matter what background he came from.
i’ve already told some people this so i’m gonna say it here. i’m not throwing out four months of character development on and off tumblr because honestly FUCK canon in the eye. i’m going to keep him as he is in his mainverse and shove his space mengele ass into a different verse faster than you can say palenbol anyway if you’re ready to hear me spill my deepest darkest secrets onto the internet, here’s the real reason why this season has me torn up.
[TW for mentions of: Death, suicide, violence (specifically murder), and torture. Also, spoilers ahead.]
so uh. i see myself in a lot of villains because listen, i’m horrible. this may come as a revelation to many of you and i realize this might not be the best thing to say after all of my friends are #Rekt over lotor being a bag of shit but yeah uh….here’s another good person ruined i guess. i fantasized about killing people. i fantasized about killing my abusive parents. i fantasized about torturing people. i fantasized about triggering people i hate until they kill themselves from it. i’ve actually attacked my mom and threatened to kill her multiple times and back in january during my last suicide attempt i was 500000% ready to lure her down to the beach so i could kill both her and myself BUT LUCKILY THE COPS CAME and let me tell you in hindsight i’ve never been so glad to see those institutionally racist motherfuckers in my life. even though it’s been many months since i’ve had those thoughts/actions on a regular basis, i still get ridiculously attached to characters who do nasty, nasty things because um. relatable. extremely. when thanos said that life would be better if half of everybody died “dude i can relate” was literally my first reaction even though in my heart i also knew he was wrong.
but when i saw lotor. holy god damn hell. i fucking saw myself like never before. literally almost everything he’s done or been through, i’ve also done or been through and that remains the same even throughout season 6. physically abused as a child? check. told to dismiss part of my heritage? check. shitty parents? check. uh let’s see what else…lied a lot? i do that sometimes to people in positions of authority, check. lashed out against best friend for a betrayal? all the damn time. spied on by my mom? she’s insatiable, of course i’ve been and the reason i lash out at people is literally because they help her. handcuffed? been there, done that. temporarily lost sanity while tripping over power fantasies? unfortunately, i can relate.
and then i saw the hope that he could be redeemed. that someone who was like myself could be redeemed. and i fucking latched onto that like a dying woman clutching at a straw because i, too, want to be redeemed. like honestly? despite me still occasionally wanting to kill my abusive mom, i still think i’m a better person than some people i’ve seen on this website. i’ve seen rapists, sexual harassers and racists on here and i still have enough morals to think they’re trash who deserve to get dragged like trash bags across a searing bed of concrete. and i mean i actually feel things?? for people like i obviously still care about my friends and i’ve seen people who can’t even pretend to do that so congrats to everybody who treats others like dirt for no good reason, you crossed a line that somebody who actually plotted to kill her own mom would never cross. (we could be up all night debating morals about how sometimes bad people can still have good morals but uh…for now just give me the benefit of the doubt here.) i feel like i’m getting my own redemption arc in my real life--i’ve had good pills, good therapy, and over the past few months i have grown to be the happiest i’ve ever been since the summer before college. even so, sometimes those thoughts sneak back in. throughout those months of improvement i still felt horrific urges to just dump my entire life over the rails and do something really, really stupid.
now since i can’t think of a better transition between paragraphs, here’s where lotor comes back in.
throughout those months there was also the fear that he wouldn’t choose the right path that he seemed like he was going down, the fear that he was going to throw it all away and crash and burn and be like the people who raised him. a fear that echoed that i would throw everything away and crash and burn and turn out worse than the people who raised me because i had come so close to doing just that. this was something that i fucking lost sleep over. and now that my worst fears have been more than confirmed, i…well at first i didn’t feel completely fucked up by it, but the more it set in the worse i started actually feeling because god fucking damnit it was like i just saw MYSELF choosing the wrong path YET AGAIN and it brought up all these terrible feelings and memories and i…………
for some reason there’s a part of me that likes that shit. i don’t know why but as someone who has lost control over myself before i can appreciate the accuracy. i will probably not be rewatching lotor’s sanity slippage anytime soon because holy fuck wow that reminds me of how i was back in january and sdflkgjfhdsds that is Triggering but there was legit another part of me that saw lotor go insane and ENJOYED it even while being HORRIFIED by it i basically went GOD DAMN FINALLY SOME GOOD FUCKING FOOD THEY PULLED THIS OFF SO WELL?????!!! because uh. once again. relatable. i’ll fight anyone who says he acted like a “caricature” (i legit saw this complaint in the lotor tag and i was like no) bc as a real person who has done something similar i can 3842398472389% assure you that’s basically how it went.
i hate that they did this to him.
i hate even more that they got it so right.
and i mean i’m still going to 5000000% have a verse where i play shitty canon lotor because i love playing twisted fucks who have a skewed sense of morals. i love playing them because and i will straight up say this--it’s cathartic since i get to do things that i can’t get away with in real life. but at the same time i also know what the consequences are if i choose to just throw it all away and self destruct and i find a weird sort of release in playing that too, maybe as some sort of reminder to myself that no it’s not okay to kill people or force them on their knees to beg me like i’m a god for mercy while i torture them and i have a lot of better things to do with my life than that. i know that if i do some fucked up shit i’m probably gonna 1) immediately regret it afterward or if i don’t, pay for it hugely and 2) have to live the rest of my life with that but that sort of harsh lesson learned is not going to be his mainverse because just like investing in my own future through therapy and medicine, i’ve put too much energy investing in timelines for him where everything actually ends up either “all right” or at least “less bad than it could have been.”
so yeah tl;dr i actually kind of like what lotor turned out to be because canon lotor taps into my impulse to harm people and compulsively destroy everything good. but i also fucking hate what he was made into because it denies me my other equally strong (i would say somewhat stronger?) wish to protect good things and preserve them and see that everything turns out the way that it should be.
tl;dr of the tl;dr i’m a psychological trainwreck and watching season 6 was a mistake.
❛ the purpose of a leader is to protect his people — as emperor over the galra , their well - being is of the greatest importance . the galra empire stands because the galra are united under a cause — but you throw the empire into disarray . & for your other half , the altean half — even then you do not protect your people , instead , they go to be slaughtered & not by gladiatorial combat or ritual , but simply without a chance to prove their strength . there is no honorable death that awaits them . they do not die knowing that they have made their nation secure , or that they are inspiration for another’s cause . ❜
❛ there is no pride to be given to a child who cannot be truly loyal to either of his blood halves ! ❜
i botched it. i ruined the most important interview of my life. i prepared for it for two weeks and it was still a fucking trainwreck. i want to die--i want to cut myself and bleed out or at least just give myself a few scars a punishment because there’s no other way i can deal with how badly this went. i failed myself and my mom who i don’t even love but it still hurts to fail her either way. i just really want to hurt myself right now because honestly that’s what i deserve. i’m already hurting myseslf for failing this badly, in a way. slashing myself up is nothing compared with that.
