Journaling In Real Time

I have no one to talk to and my thoughts tear me apart, so I decided it’s best to get them out somewhere.

[kumkaniudaku]

And then you can’t even say shit about bc people start trying to put you in a jacket and shit. Like omg it’s so strict???

[off2-therapy]

The feeling of leaving a life behind or really just on pause while you move somewhere temporarily to progress in life is an odd feeling. I move to a new city, start a new job, make new friends, experience new things and then eventually a few years pass and I move back to the life I had before where things are the same but also completely different. Both places feel like they don’t exist fully and then I just feel like I belong in a place somewhere between that doesn’t exist. What a weird concept to have to live through.

[off2-therapy]

I’m tired.

If you can take so much from me over something futile just by the way you go about how you talk to me and how I react maybe I’m better off being alone. The amount of gaslighting and self deprecation that comes with it is not something I can take much of anymore; in fact, every time it’s done I have less and less will to fight.

I’m tired.

I can’t feel my emotions how I want to, I can’t speak what I need to say before getting cut off or getting told that I’m overreacting, I can’t handle the emotions I’m feeling anymore and inevitably start to cry from frustration; you will say “It’s not that serious”. I am defeated again.

I’m tired.

No reason to speak if I’m not being listened to or heard. No reason to explain my strong feelings when there’s no empathy or willingness to understand those feelings. No reason to continue this relationship when the person you said you loved no longer exists. You have killed her.

I’m so very sorry, but I’m so very tired.

I’m tired.

[off2-therapy]

I’m back on medication. I realized I needed some form of help. I feel better but things feel like I’m on autopilot and I don’t know how to feel about it. Hard to feel when the meds make it harder to do exactly that. I didn’t like how my emotions would swing me around into the high and lows with no in between but I miss feeling emotions. It makes life feel really dull and slow.

[off2-therapy]

It’s really hard to talk to people who don’t understand depression. I can explain, but if you think it’s a simple thing to change it shows you’ve never experienced it before.

I wake up some days with no energy, no want, no reason; no purpose whatsoever. It’s hard to go through the day when things feel pointless. Why should I wake up to go to a job that I don’t like so I can make money to force myself to live a life I don’t want to live? For other people it seems.

“That’s just life” that’s exactly it, so why must I keep trying if that’s just how life is going to be?

“Life’s not all bad there are good moments” yes, but when the majority of life doesn’t consist of those good moments and the times where it’s not good or bad just accumulate to the bad portion what really is the point?

I’m not asking for feedback I just want someone to listen and understand; I have yet to find a person who can.

I wake up exhausted and live my life for other people that don’t understand me or care that I’m suffering until they see me crippled to a point where I cannot function. It shakes them, makes them uncomfortable and they pity me. This does not benefit either party.

I say something and realize no one is listening, they don’t care, they don’t understand or they’ve heard it before, so I stay silent.

I’m tired of reaching out for the care and affection I give others. Why should I beg? Why should I explain my feelings if they’re seen as hysterics? My feelings to those are nothing but an exaggeration. Why must I pry these things when they come so naturally to me?

Why must I?