something > nothing

[offeringstokhaos]

1/8/20

“you’re the greatest adventure i’ve ever had”

[offeringstokhaos]

happy new year

sweet birthday baby 

the sweet birthday of the decade 

how the 20s roar

the crowd and the pumping hearts and hands 

adrenaline and astrophiles

it was the best of times 

it was the worst of times

[offeringstokhaos]

not in grief

I’ve come to expect the worst 

this is how an optimist dies 

heard her coming 

it was my mistake

replay and replaying when i close my eyes

[beat drop]

I keep my heart behind bars 

keep breaking down in different cars

lungs never empty

i still rinse repeat 

every high i’ve ever chased 

prechorus:

i just wanna run-run-run away

wish that i could trust-trust-trust ya babe, but

I’ve come to expect the worst

this is how an optimist dies

chorus: 

sing

to my car crash heart

pray

that the engine starts

don’t make promises you can’t keep

spent the last year asleep

i just need some time 

can we hit rewind 

and try again

my turn to be the last to leave

this harm is not in grief 

can you lead these blind eyes 

to the light at the tunnel’s end 

“text me when you get home safe”

words i never got to say 

i’m frozen in place 

you tell me that we’ll be ok

but you can’t make me believe it

[offeringstokhaos]

12/28/19

dancing in the kitchen

you clean dishes for a living

memory isn’t so forgiving

all my mistakes i keep reliving

only through your eyes

i love how you say how you feel so precisely

keep my lips sealed tonight otherwise we

might forget the the roses and the scenery

did You send him that dream just to freeze me?

i’ll do it anyway

[offeringstokhaos]

12/27/19

another long time

under the water

we‘ve all the time in the world

more than enough to sink our ship

christmas in your sweater

but i don’t care that much

write lines and i’m trapped in them

can i forget your face

before it’s too late

[offeringstokhaos]

glitter pop daydreams

i’m faded like your colors

holograms in front of me

holograms behind your face

[offeringstokhaos]

i can’t with this boy and my heart and him all up in it and the red in my cheeks and him making fun of me for it and that stupid fucking unicorn on my bed and this breakfast that he cares so much about and i just can’t i just can’t hold this much in my heart i’m so full

[offeringstokhaos]

come out of my cave

for a mug of wine then i’m gone

slide a fiver for the bowl

that’ll keep me going on

stop motion highways

passed that spot 3 times

smoke in the pipe

up the glass up past my heart and head

i won’t end up dead

not quite yet

passed out

in your clothes in the paint i hide behind

[offeringstokhaos]

this feels way too much like something to be nothing

you’re all up in my head

[offeringstokhaos]

i’m so so so so scared

of everything

of everything leaving

of no one believing

we’ll make it out

i’m so scared i’ll be too much

i ask so much

you’re always saving me now

[offeringstokhaos]

11/26/19

hello november

what a whirlwind you’ve been

blink and you’ll miss me

kind of days

[ i’m thinking about your eyes

so blue, so wide, so close to mine

as the sea sings us a lullaby ]

you’re the part of my day

i look forward to

the place i always wanna be

[offeringstokhaos]

she cannot kill me

i leave that task for myself

she cannot take away

everything that used to help

she cannot make me afraid

of pancakes on a blackboard sign

[offeringstokhaos]

you are making me so fucking anxious

i’m gonna rant to phoebe about you again

i think i’m gonna cry too

listening to gypsy in the rain

it’s not a crying day but stevie nicks doesn’t care

i’d like to cry today if she thinks that’s right to do

can i have you all

in my car with a blanket and the heat

[offeringstokhaos]

2 servings

i thought i was stronger 

i thought the rules 

did not apply 

.....

tub of salt water

my breath starts to fade

this doesn’t feel right

i guess i’m the faller

i have left none of

my sickness behind

...

when did you let it get this bad?

baby you were never in control

...

that look that you gave me 

hiding your face 

behind the menu 

i’m so ashamed, please 

it’s not like it’s easy, 

whichever I choose 

...

when did you let it get this bad? 

baby you were never in control

drove the knife in your own back 

i’ll tell you everything you’ve heard before

what was this all for 

(breaker of her most earnest word)

3/4 time

[offeringstokhaos]

11/7/19

hello there

i know it’s been a little while

but i just realized that i’ve got it all wrong

so scared

and so much more in denial

i’m forgetting the words to my own song

the purest heart

you care too much

and god isn’t that beautiful

what if i didn’t get home safe

what would you lose

i’m so scared i mean nothing

i would rather assume the worst

to halt the hurt

i guess i’m not good at anything that matters

i can’t even write a happy song

[offeringstokhaos]

10/28/19

“you’re anxious as hell, just remember it’ll be ok”

oh wow i needed that

i am so anxious and out of control

i cannot slow my heart down

help me

[offeringstokhaos]

10/25/19

i just want love

i’m so needy

an awful parasite

i want so much

i need so much love

but i’m drowning in myself

trapped inside my ribcage

let me out

maybe if you find me on the ground

you’ll let me out