Office Shenanigans

Stories about the crazy shit that happens at my job. No I won’t tell you where I work. And names have been changed to save them embarrassment.

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Updates because I’ve been lazy

So I haven’t posted in awhile. I’ve been busy/lazy and really just keep forgetting to get on here. 🤷🏻‍♂️ Divorce court is over. TW looked like shit that day and I was happy as fuck. 🤪 Work is funny as hell. So this guy who sits next to me, let’s call him Milton (you know like the dude from Office Space except like 10 times louder ok?), he has been causing issues at the office and everyone has been putting in complaints on his ass and now he’s on a final written warning and we’re all just waiting until he gets fired. He keeps asking me dumbass questions that newbies would know and he’s been here longer than I have. 🙄 Grandma hasn’t drive the Jag in awhile because the brakes went out, but she drove it yesterday and we were all excited about the crooked parking. FBL is prego!! That’s gonna put a big crack in the finances. I started walking on my lunch break and I’ve been mentally making fun of people’s parking jobs. I work with some people that need to go to drivers ed again. Just sayin’. That’s all I got for now peeps! I’ll try to post more often from now on.

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Update on FBL

Ok. So from now on I’ll be calling Financial Bathroom Lady, FBL. So at lunch today, Rex and I were warming up our food and FBL was there too. She struck up a conversation with us and we, being the nice and social people we are, talked to her until our food was done. When we got back to our table I looked at Rex and said, “So...that was FBL.” And it took Rex a minute to process what I said, and then she goes, “Oh! At the microwave?! I’ve been wanting to a face to her name!!!” But even with the two of us, we still have no idea who she really is. 🤷🏻‍♂️

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Got this picture the other day from a friend with a text that said, “You know it’s summer when Grandma drives the Jag & parks it sideways every day😂.” We laughed about it and then eventually I said, “Every time I see it it reminds me of a really rich snobby lady in one of those movies that’s in a hurry and just speeds into a parking space and winds up cutting someone off and then she get out and straightens her hair and her pant suit and walks inside like she wasn’t just a bitch in the parking lot.” And what makes this so funny is that Grandma is a really nice and sweet person. I mean, why else would I give her the nickname of Grandma??

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Let’s Meet Grandma

Ok. So she’s obviously not my grandma, but she does have grandkids and she’s the oldest lady that works with us and she helps everyone out. I used to not get along with her at all. I’d bitch about her everyday. But now she’s like my work BFF. So the other day my friend, Rex, and I are talking about arts and crafts. She pops off with, “Yeah well I don’t have a straight eye.” Me, being gay, replied with, “Me either *wink*.” We get a laugh out of this obviously and then someone else asks us what we’re talking about and Rex says, “Whether we’re gay or straight.” And without missing a fucking beat, Grandma says, “Straight! But sometimes I’d like to have a woman so I can rid of my husband. At least she’d know when to leave me alone.” I fucking lost it I was laughing so hard. 😂🤣

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#bathroomstories

Remember when I said we all tell each other bathroom stories? Yeah we made a hashtag for that. We have numbers to describe bathroom business. Everyone knows 1 and 2. I hope. 😬 1 is pee. 2 is poop. Ok. Here are the rest. 3 is the kind of diarrhea where you feel like you’re peeing out of your asshole. 4 is when you basically shart and every one in the bathroom knows that’s what just happened. So by far my favorite #bathroomstories would be one that happened a few months ago. I was in there doing my business. And this lady on my left sounds like she was playing musical farts and the lady on my right is so going #4. And it was just funny. So I get done and I’m standing there washing my hands and I look in the mirror and I just happen to recognize the boots of the lady that was going #4. Yeah. My soon to be ex wife, who we have nicknamed TW, or Twat Waffle. I almost died from trying not to laugh. I messaged my friend and we had a great laugh about it. It was pretty glorious. 🤣😂🤣😂

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Financial Bathroom Lady

So awhile ago my friends and I started telling each other the things we overheard in the bathroom that cracked us up. I think it started with a slightly embarrassing story about myself, which I’ll save for a later date. But this post is going to be centered around who I like to call the Financial Bathroom Lady. I honestly don’t know her name. But for the longest time we went to break at the same exact time and wound up in the bathroom in stalls next to each other. She would talk on the phone (which we have a no cell phone in the bathroom policy) while doing her business. I’m pretty she was always talking to her boyfriend/husband, never found out what they were exactly. But they would always argue about their finances!!! About now negative their bank account was. How much they had to borrow from parents. How much they could put on a credit card. How much he could use for gas/lunch. It was crazy. I knew more about this lady’s finances than my own, I swear. So everyday at lunch I would update my friends on her situation because at this point we were all invested. Well then one day it stopped. And for like months I never heard her in the bathroom. Did she quit? Did her breaks change? Did her financial situation improve? Did she finally realize maybe discussing that in the bathroom at work wasn’t a good idea? Well. Today it happened. But not in the bathroom. I was warming up my lunch and she was at the microwave next to me. And I only knew that because I recognized her voice. And she was on the phone. “Well the account says we’re -$17 right now. Let me look at it and see how much you can have for lunch because I don’t know right now. I just don’t know how far in the negative can go.” There was a pause. Then. “Well I still love you. Do you still love me? I think you do. I think you’re just having bad day.” I had to finish up fast because all I wanted to do was get back to the table and update my peeps on the Financial Bathroom Lady!!!! Like I said. We’re invested!!!!!

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Where it All Began....

I’ve worked at this company, which I can tell you is a call center, for about 3.5 years now. When I started I was this shy, introverted person who talked to nobody. Then I met the love of my life. We started dating and then got married. Now here we are 11 months after marriage, and divorce court is in 15 days. 3 days before our one year anniversary!!! She left me for her high school fling but continues to lie about it. 🙄 Oh. And she still works there, but she works from home now so I only have to see her when she occasionally comes into the office. Well now I’m a not so shy and not so introverted person who has a badly broken heart, is on depression meds, is somewhat closet trans (good thing she left since she’s a lesbian and doesn’t like dick since I’ll have one eventually), and actually has friends! We have office lingo and office hashtags. So this blog is going to be dedicated to all of the funny, stupid shit we see, hear, and do at work. So sit back, relax, and prepare for some laughs, because these stories are great. 😂🤣

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My entire pod every day. #nofucksgiven