𝐀𝐆𝐆𝐀𝐍𝐈𝐄 𝐀𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐀 ; 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝑜𝒹𝒹 𝑜𝓃𝑒 𝑜𝓊𝓉 ›› 𝐉𝐔𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐄 + 𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐀𝐒 .
people always said that running from your problems NEVER worked . that eventually , somewhere down the line , everything would eventually catch up . & , possibly , be worse than if you’d just dealt with it in the first place . but those people never understood . they didn’t UNDERSTAND how hard it was to face the demons that had taken up residence in ones head . they didn’t understand what it was like to tackle it when NO ONE wanted to accept the fact that you were no longer the perfect daughter - girlfriend - friend - everyone wanted you to be . it was EASIER , for everyone , to pretend as if nothing was wrong . it was easier , for everyone , to RUN . america was meant to be the solution , it was meant to be her FRESH START . she’d put 5260 kilometres between her & everyone & everything she knew — everything that had happened . but those people , no matter how much she didn’t want to believe them , were right . things ALWAYS caught up with you in the end . it was impossible to run from memories whose volume could not be turned down & a heavy ache in your leg that would NEVER go away . they were with her ALWAYS . & she should have known . the universe hadn’t been kind to her , why would moving to another country make ANY difference ? it always be there , waiting . but this was a whole different level of FUCKED . out of all the sports teams , she had to be given THIS . not football , not gymnastics , not even swimming , but the ICE HOCKEY team . the knot in her stomach hadn’t eased since the moment she’d been given the news . anything else but that . she hadn’t stepped foot in an ice rink , not even just OFF the ice , since she was 18 . it was the LAST place she wanted to be in the world . the mere thought of stepping through the front doors was enough to cause a tremor in her hands . but no matter how often she went back to the head of her program’s office , pleading that there MUST be somewhere else she could be placed . there was no getting away from it . there was no running , no avoiding . not without going back home to parents that found it easier for her to be here . it was , after all , easier to pretend as if your daughter wasn’t struggling to simply get through the day without breaking down when she was 5260 kilometres away . it was easier to tell EVERYONE that she had made a full recovery when she wasn’t there to expose the lie . & not without passing up another opportunity . it was EVERYDAY a younger student got to get hands on experience . she HAD to keep going . she had to figure out a way to force herself to step through those doors & act like she wasn’t SECONDS away from breaking . but it was easier to talk herself into it , to act like it was doable , when she wasn’t standing in front of doors of the agganis arena . her heart felt as if it was going to give out & the only thing keeping her hands from trembling was the tight grip she had on the strap of her duffle bag . it’s just a building , a building with an ice rink that has NOTHING to do with you . . . but why then was it so hard to get her feet to move . she wanted to run . she wanted to go home & hide under a pile of blankets until the sickness in her stomach passed & the throbbing of her ankle subsided to the quiet ache once more . but if there was ONE thing all this had taught her , it was how to act like NOTHING was wrong . & if there was one thing she hated more than the feeling twisting her stomach into knots , it was being LATE & who knew how long she’d been lingering out here starring at the doors . it took a minute , for her weight to shift between her feet & her fingers to readjust upon the strap of her bag , before she stepped forward .
after YEARS of avoiding everything to do with the one thing she’d loved most in the world , being inside an ice rink was like a punch gut . & if it hadn’t been for the task ahead of her , she wasn’t sure if she’d been able to put one foot in front of the other as she navigated her way to the locker rooms . she was going to be 5 minutes late . not quite the introduction she wanted to make on her first day but that could easily be remedied by an excuse that she got LOST . no one needed to know that she’d been terrified of stepping foot through the front entrance . there were some advantages of being new & NON-AMERICAN after all . just breathe — in & out — one for in front of the other — you’re still alive . it was a constant pep talk in her head but the further she left the ice behind her & the NOISER the ruckus that spilled out of the locker room into the hallway became , the easier it was to focus more on the nerves that came with the fact she was about to step into a room full of boys & not just ANY boys , bloody HOCKEY boys . she was convinced they had bigger egos than the rugby players she knew back home & she didn’t doubt AMERICAN hockey boys were any different . it only took a few steps into the locker room for eyes to begin to find her . she would have thought it would take at least a little while for them to notice , she wasn’t exactly TALL . she doubted she’d even come up to the shoulders of most in the room . but she was the ONLY girl in a sea of 22 men — so maybe it shouldn’t have been much of a surprise that after the boys at the edge of the room clocked her walking into a locker room she didn’t belong in spread the word . her chin rose a little higher as more eyes focused on her , even if hers stayed directly upon the coach at the front of the room . who , finally , lifted his eyes from the clipboard in hand as the room grew quieter . “ ah , miss delacroix . nice of you to finally join us . ” she allowed a sheepish grin to spread across her lips as her fingers adjusted upon the strap of her bag once more , “ sorry — i got a bit lost . i’m not use to such a BIG campus . ” if she didn’t feel out of place before , the lit of the gloucestershire accent sure separated her from the boston lit in the coach’s . but the coach was already waving her off as he continued , most likely in hopes to rein in the boys once more . “ this is justine delacroix , she’ll be helping cade make sure you lot stay OFF the benches due to injury this season . ” the clipboard snapped to his chest before he gestured back out the door she’d just come through , “ i’ll see you all on the ice in 5 . ” her heart faltered within her chest but the small lapse was covered as she stepped aside to free up the space in front of the door as the room once more erupted into movement . on the ice . she’d HOPED they’d start in the gym or just about ANYWHERE else to begin with , but she was being thrown straight into the deep end . she’d be as close to the ice as she’d ever been & though she knew she should have followed after the coach & cade — who she assumed was the team’s physio — she couldn’t quite bring herself to move after them . who knew a boy’s locker room would actually be a place she WANTED to be — even when it was filled with 20 hockey players .
