Wow... So I can hardly believe it. I was bored tonight and remembered the existance of Tumblr, and I couldn't for the life of me remember the name of this sideblog, or my main blog... I couldn't even remember the email address of the account, so I tried several ones before figuring it out, then had to retrieve my password and all that... And now I'm logged in here again.
I cannot believe it. My last post is from June 2022, and I could have bet my life the last time I connected here (+ watched MM) was more than 5 years ago. But It's only been around 3 years. So much has happened in my life that MM feels like an old memory from a past life.
As I was reading my old posts, I could hardly believe it. I have forgotten almost everything. Reading all this stuff did bring back some memories but they're so blurry... And yet it wasn't that long ago.
But for the past 3 years my life has been a fucking rollercoaster. Seriously, feeling the highest of highs and lowest of lows of my entire existence (and I'm 30+ and have been through some traumatic shit before, the kind of things the vast majority of people only witness in movies, I actually lived through - but I won't go there).
I was really happy in Summer 2022, and right when I least expected it, depression slapped me really hard. It lasted for way longer than I dare to admit, and it took me to the darkest place I've ever been to. But after that, when I really thought I was hopeless, I experienced the best feeling I ever felt. Everything was suddenly so amazing, I felt like I was high all the time but I was completely sober. For the first time ever, I experienced genuine happiness, the one that makes you feel so light you feel like you can fly. I felt confident, safe, at peace. I remember walking around town and being mesmerized by everything around me. The littlest and most common things all sparked joy within me. It was glorious. And that part lasted around 6 months I'd say, and it was truly the best I've ever felt. Then, life happened, bad news on top of more bad news, I was completely crushed by the cruelty of life, and being able to go from such highs to this. I guess I was slapped back into reality, but after enjoying this peaceful flight, the landing was difficult and bumpy. Although it was not easy, I did not go back to the dark places I had visited before.
And now, I'm no longer in the highs or lows, not flying carelessly in the clouds but not surrounded by my whispering demons either. I'm in the middle. I guess I'm back on earth.
This is a very long post, very personal, and probably no one will ever read it. But it feels nice to write it, and to read what my past self has written here. I made myself laugh, damn I think I was probably funnier back then. It's ok, I'm still me, and probably more me than I have ever been.
If anybody reads this, and if you're struggling, you gotta trust what they say: it gets better. Life is both cruel and magical, and learning to navigate it is a lifelong story. But it is worth it.
