D/s is one of the most vulnerable dynamics you will ever find yourself in. From this vulnerability, it gets its power from. What makes D/s (or kink, in general) powerful enough to leave a mark so deep is that there's no place to hide from our true selves. We discuss the most taboo topics, parts of ourselves that we kept secret for so long, even before the actual play takes place.
When we engage in kink, we peel like an onion and see the layers of our personalities: shame, guilt, pride... It all comes to the surface. We share our innermost longings with someone in hopes that they'll be kind and brave enough to still want us around. And maybe even enjoy it... For most kinksters, this is just a dream. We love a good fantasy, don't we?
What if you had that... and now it's gone? Or you thought you had it, but it turned out to be a false alarm. How do you deal with the seperation? Let's talk about break-ups in the kink scene.
Firstly, I want to say sorry that you had to go through this special type of heartbreak. I'm sure you already tried almost everything in your power to make the dynamic work again. But what makes a D/s break-up different (and more memorable if not more painful, based on my observations)?
We know that chances of finding a compatible match is low even in vanilla couples. In kink, it is even lower. I don't remind you of this to rub salt in the wound. I think there lies the answer to why we feel hurt more than vanillas: We grieve both a relationship and a chance so rare...
But the break up already happened and we are yet to invent a time machine... So, what can you do in this break-up process? Here are my suggestions:
Honour the reality of it: Reviewing the relationship as in its totality (not just the extremes) can give us a sense of grounding. It is as easy to remember the best play you ever had with them as it is to dwell on the cruelest words that were said. Find the sweet spot. Hopefully, you'll get a clearer view on why it had to happen.
Address the feeling: Yes, you might miss them even if rules were broken. Yes, you might hate them for ruining the word "Miss" or "puppy" for further use. And yes, you will have to take responsibility for your own healing in the end. I know it doesn't sound fair. As it is my common observation: You can't ignore a feeling, you just delay an outburst. These things have a habit of rising to the surface eventually and, generally, when it is least convenient. So, do the work while it is still relevant.
Don't make sudden decisions: It is easy to get triggered in the break up process and do things that might hurt our feelings further. Just don't rush a decision. This includes stalking online "one last time", casual plays with people you just met or haven't clearly negotiated with... Instead, try to avoid certain reminders for a while. Maybe put that first toy they bought you as a present far back in your closet. Reach out to some friends, journal about it... And someday, it'll be bearable again.
It gets better: I know it doesn't seem nor feel like it at the moment, but it does get better. You can find someone who shares the same limits with you even if it is rare. You can find someone who will love and respect you after you told them the weirdest stuff you like. Give yourself time to heal and be open again.
I wish the best for you in this journey...
I hope this was helpful! Check Kink+ Positive for more content like this.
Thanks, everyone! My intention with this blog is to be interactive with you. Which one of my posts is your favorite so far? What would you like to see more of? Tell me!!
It's no news that the unrealistic is the new chic. Even though it doesn't represent real people and bodies, media representation takes a toll on us. It makes us feel undesirable and doubt ourselves. How kink can help with that? Here's my story.
In the beginning of my BDSM/kink journey, I was intimidated by the Dominatrix style served by media. From day one, I hated it. Mainly because I was chubby and thought that I could never look good in such attire. Another reason is that, many people I talked to, they would see me as just a Domme and not a multifaceted human being outside of kink. I was just another fetish in their eyes. That made me hate it even more.
A few months after, I was shopping online and I saw a cute little harness. Normally, I would make a displeased face because it was a reminder of my insecurities I was passionately running away from. But I decided to challenge myself and give it a try. It was really cheap, what could I lose after all?
I remember the first time putting it on. Let me tell you, I felt POWERFUL! I was wearing a regular tshirt but, oh my... That little change in my appearance made me relate to my role more and gave me the confidence boost I very much needed at the time. It changed my attitude so much that I felt like I could make all subs kneel before me. Then, it hit me. I am not feeling this good just because of the harness. I already had it in me. Seeing myself look and feel good in it was just a validation.
I always believed that people can dominate others in pajamas, too. I still do because clothes don't make you a Dominant. If my attitude is what makes me look good in clothes, in spite of my insecurities, it means that it's really me who make it glow so much in the first place! If all it takes to remind myself of this fact is wearing a harness, I can wear it especially when I feel insecure about my body.
Moral of the story: Kink is about expression whether it's mental or physical. Wear what makes you feel good and confident in your body and role. Tail, latex, boots... Experiment with your style.
Many kinksters, especially new ones, might see this kinky part of themselves as a seperate identity. Not to be shared with the rest of the world... We might feel like this different way of fulfillment is wrong, mainly because we were taught to fit in norms. The shame surrounding kink in this society might spill over our kinkster identity and cause some disintegration within ourselves. However, being kinky is not dissociated from our being. It’s just another aspect of ourselves. We can honour it by integrating our kinky side as a whole first.
If you don’t know me, I’m more of a soft Domme. I had some trouble with integrating some aspects of my kinky self as a whole. For a long time I felt like, if I called myself a sadist, I’d have to do some extreme sh!t that even I couldn’t handle witnessing. I thought people would expect it from me. What if I couldn’t draw the line where it’s supposed to be? Is a soft Domme supposed to do that? These are all valid concerns, if you ask me. You are indeed supposed to question what feels right or wrong. It keeps you aligned with your values. So, what did I do?
I did my research! I read a lot (even though I couldn’t even finish M de Sade’s infamous book. Couldn’t read 5 pages without feeling sick in my stomach). I watched some videos (figured I am not into that type of p0rn, checked that off my list qucikly).
Then, I realized that there was no definite way of being something. If I like slapping my partner in a playful way or wanted to add some consensual suspense into the play, that is okay. I don’t have to identify as a sad!st just because I think I’m supposed to. I am just a person who enjoy some activities people generally link it with. And that is OK.
You can be two seemingly opposite things, or none, if that’s what works for you.
Exploration and acceptance of what you like is of far more importance than choosing a label. Sure it might give some ideas, but a label’s job is not to define you. There are more aspects to you than this one label. If you want to choose one, make it work for you, not work to fit in it.
I hope this is helpful. If you have any questions, you can ask here or send a message! 😊
Remember: You can safely explore and experience BDSM with partners you trust. It's better to be informed about what you are getting yourself into, than not knowing at all and doing it anyway. Be risk-aware. Do your research.
What I mean by “kinky friends” is friends from your kinky community/circle who know your kinky side. They are your friends as much as your vanilla life friends. Plus, they understand your kinky nature. Best of both worlds!
Throughout my kinky exploration process, I’ve had many kinky friends. I met some of them online. I met others in real life, at a munch. Most of these people were/are amazing to get to know as a person as well as a kinkster. All of them? Unfortunately, no. I think that’s why some people are intimidated by this probability so much. So, how can you navigate kinky friendships as a kinkster yourself?
If you are a kinkster and you don’t share this part of you with your vanilla friends, chances are you’re gonna feel isolated. It might make you feel safe for a while, sure. But the thing is, you’ll be isolated from good things, too. For example, if you don’t know what to do in a kinky situation, you’ll need a friend you can trust enough to share it with. Their experience level can help you a lot. That’s why it’s important to reach out to people.
I know some people who think that kinky friendships are just kinky fwb. You don’t have to be fwb or something with kinksters you meet, just because you met them in a kinky medium. It’s okay if you want to, but that’s not my case. Personally, I’m not interested in mixing sexual and platonic together. I made sure that my potential kinky friends were on the same page, too. You decide where your friendhsip lies and where to draw a line.
Another reason that kinky friendships are good is that you get to know other versions of what kink means to different people. I’m a Domme and I have had kinky friendships with people of many roles: subs, switches, other Dominants... It helped me with my perspective a lot. I didn’t know that slave mentality and sub mentality were so different. I didn’t know that healthy and not-fake Daddies did exist.
On the other hand, I also had made friends with people I probably shouldn’t have. People with superiority complex, people who regarded some consent issues as “flex”... The moment I realized those red flags, I terminated those friendships. This, too, helped with my perspective. Over time, I was able to distinguish not-so-safe people from safe ones. I knew how to do that because after I cut off contact with them, I went over our conversations and saw some early signs I could use to identify similar people later. It takes time but worth the journey.
The point is, if you interact only with people who don’t share your kinky excitement, you probably won’t grow much as a kinkster. Be careful though. Just like in vanilla circles, not all kinky people are good for you. You should know what you want from a kinky friend, set boundaries and have a healthy friendship dynamic with them. Where you are free to express yourself as a kinkster without shame...
May your journey be pleasant. If you have questions, ask here! I like hearing from you 😊
I hope this was helpful! Check my Kink+ Positive blog for more content like this.
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