Thoughts

feelings

[oh-my--kat]

6/24/16

It's been two weeks since the accident and my dad is fucking flipping out because he thinks this guy is just bailing. With everyone lowkey thinking the same thing as he does, it just makes me think that he is. I just want the check to come in so he can fucking chill. Right now I'm literally hanging on a thread. Everything that stresses me out, even just a little, makes me fucking cry. I feel like I'm literally overreacting about everything but it's just because under it all it's probably my fault. But I'll probably get over this soon. Or at least sweep it under the rug.

[oh-my--kat]

6/8/16

I feel like l'm going through something. I feel like it's mid-life crisis but I don't know. I feel like I'm about to throw up or something. I mean I could just be hungry (it's Ramadan). I feel like I'm completely lost. Even with religion, I've completely lost my grip on what it is to be Muslim. I'm just trying to reassess my whole life. I think now I'm sure that I'm depressed. I don't know I guess I was just hoping (even though it would be really scary) like an bad spirit(?) was doing this to me. That's really scary but I was hoping it wasn't my own my going against itself. In a weird way it feels good to say this out loud like I'm finally admitting to myself that something is wrong instead of trying to push it away. But honestly, I don't think I'm gonna do anything about it because I'm "that" kind of person. I'm really trying to be better though. You never know something will change. I will change. At least I want to get there.

[oh-my--kat]

5/11/16

I'm probably just really stressed out. That's usually the case every time I make another log of this, whatever "this" is. My chest has felt hollow for the past few days. My stomach feels constantly sick like I'm about to throw up. I just feel like I'm not even depressed. With all these topics about the problems with self-diagnosing and what not, I can't help but think if I'm doing this to myself.

[oh-my--kat]

5/7/16

Oh here it is again. I literally hate myself for stressing out so much. Like when will it stop?

[oh-my--kat]

5/5/16

I have trouble trusting people.

[oh-my--kat]

5/5/16

I feel confused and disgruntled. I don't even know if those are the right words right now. Am I sad? Maybe I'm just stressed out.

[oh-my--kat]

4/28/16

Not reacting to this as much as I expected to react to this. Lol honestly I'm going to look back at this and have no fucking idea what I'm talking about. But honestly, I'm past the point where I'm shocked at the shit she tells other people. I'm starting to feel okay with not being the go-to anymore.

[oh-my--kat]

4/23/16

I'm not okay right now. Certain thoughts are running through my head again and my head is just not cooperating. I'm just not sure about anything and I feel like everything needs to end.

[oh-my--kat]

4/23/16

I'm so tired of being constantly sad. I'm really tired of it. I need to not think about d---g. Or anything about de--h. I don't know anymore.

[oh-my--kat]

4/22/16

Spoiler alert: I'm lonely. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. Honestly like I post shit to make me feel like I'm going through something. I mean I know I am, but I also know I should stop documenting all this shit on social media. Like who needs to know these things? Why would I want people to know this? Like what is wrong with me. Fucksake. I need to-- Hahahahahaha I don't even wanna finish that statement. I should stop. Yeah.

[oh-my--kat]

3/6/16

I do appreciate the people I hangout with in Circle K but I'm really weird with them like they are nice but they also don't feel like my friends. I don't really trust them. I am actually very lonely here.

[oh-my--kat]

3/6/16

I am actually so sad about being single.

[oh-my--kat]

3/1/16

There’s a lot of feelings right now but I’ll probably save it later. 

[oh-my--kat]

3/1/16

Hahah... It feels kind of weird that I’m basically talking to myself right now but whatever. Um what else is on my mind? Well I still don’t feel any better about Jasmine.. I think that I’m in the middle of being angry and just plain sad about the whole thing. And I don’t want to have to be like. “Oh my gosh, please just listen to me for a minute.” ‘Cause like how does that even work? I don’t know how to tell my feelings to someone else without sounding so needy. I guess it’s just a pride thing but I’m about to just explode with sadness. I think I feel abandoned in a way, right? I think that’s what it is. I think seeing her move on and seeing her so friendly with other people it’s like I got left behind. And okay, I think that’s probably how she felt when I left too. There’s just a lot of hurt feelings that we just put under the rug and didn’t really talk about. I just don’t feel like I’m her best friend anymore and vice versa. And I think I’m just holding on to the title because it would suck a lot to let go of it. I need someone to be there and she’s just not there anymore. She’s not present at all. And she is doing her best but it’s not even that anymore. Like Ariel is present even if she’s not with me. But Jasmine just doesn’t get it. 

[oh-my--kat]

3/1/16

I don’t know why, but I’ve been having a lot of feelings lately. Well I mean it’s kind of human nature to have feelings. But I guess what I am trying to say is that I just don’t have an outlet anymore. I mean this is blog is probably going to be my outlet from now on. I think it’s actually better for me to type my feelings out because then it gives me a clear visual of the thoughts in my head. I just don’t know anymore. Like I don’t know if I’m just trying to convince myself that I don’t need anyone but I do feel lonely but I just don’t have the option to go out there and get a boyfriend I guess. And I think that’s what makes me sad because I look at girls like Rosa and Jasmine and I just think that no one is every going to feel that way about me. And I mean it probably just isn’t my time right now and I should take my own advice about these kinds of things but I just can’t help but think that way. I really do hope something changes. 

[oh-my--kat]

3/1/16

Why am I acting like I’m having a shit time right now? Like I literally figured out how I’m gonna do college. Well at least I’m figuring out plans. But it’s still such a big step for me. I’m just really lonely and the only person I can actually turn to is Ariel right now but I do feel like I’m bothering her and she lowkey is starting to hate me. I’m listening to the Morning Sun by Reptile Youth and it actually is the perfect song to explain how I feel right now. I think the reason why I’ve been sleeping so much is because I’m waiting for a good day to come. Don’t get me wrong there have been good days but I’m looking for a happy day. I’m honestly just sailing through and I want to be happy. I need to be happy.

[oh-my--kat]

2/28/16

I'm sad again and it makes me so angry that I'm like this. I get sad out of nowhere and I don't even know why. I want this to be over. I live in a constant emotional rollercoaster that fluctuates between sadness and being okay. I'm just so tired. I'm exhausted of living.