BrainBurps

Belches from my mind

[ohcanadave]

Look at me

Sitting here alone

Making these words

On the screen of my iPhone

I don’t know

What’s come over me

But I sure am happy just to be

Back inside

The place where what resides

Are mostly thoughts

Of some other times

The good

The bad

And all that lies between

Not too sure what all of this means

But I know

It’s been a while

And it’s been so fucking hard to smile

Didn’t think

I’d again be in a place

Where

A smile would appear

Upon this face

Let alone

Inspired to write

And willing to try

To fight another fight.

For the last long

Little while

My face found frowns

Easier than smiles

But one is one

Just upside down

The other’s there

If you just turn it around

So it kinda made me

Stop and think

Is this like life

Could I be on the brink

Of finding out

There’s another side

A place where

Happiness resides

Cuz to be frank

To tell the simple truth

I’m fucked up

I gotta tell ya dude

My whole life

Came tumbling to the ground

A braced myself

And then I heard the sound

Of the pieces

All of the things

I once had

The things I thought made me

Who I was

Or thought I should be

For all of those

People telling me

You should be this

You should do more of that

Get an office job

Don’t wear that hat

But could it be

Am I starting to see

That all of that

Wasn’t ever meant for me?

[ohcanadave]

The Champion of Defeat

Last call at the bar set too high

That one I couldn’t ever quite reach

Over, over again then repeat

Close out the tab

The one incurred while I cried,

And I tried so hard

To be me plus the one

That was invited to attend

My reception of life

And so received, now what?

The king who vacated his crown

Abdicated his life at his own hand

What kind of a man…?

Dad, Father, Parent

And apparently transparent

Never once called a prince

Striving just to exist

And be heard

Never seen, but still deemed

Overqualified to be unworthy

Unworthy of the crown

Sorrows yearning to drown

In self-loathing I’ve summoned

From deep underground

Summoned Into being

The realest fantasized feelings

And still when it shows up

With permission come unannounced

Expectedly surprised once appearing

To me. And we. To see.

Oh, how it wil stay

A welcome not extended

To what now is extending the welcome

Though it won’t go away

Frivolous thoughts fraught with deep meaning

Trying hardest not to try at all

Not failing by not trying and so I’m

Not trying, still failing

Me, you, the versions we may be

However, not never now

What was once thought forever

The other side of the coin

You’re the yin to my yang

Now I mix gin with Tang

Feeling unfull in the void

Bursting with the nothing that’s left

Impermeably dense open space, now not so full where I kept

The You and Me. The You. In me.

The burning warmth of our passion

Now burns me as frostbite does

So cold and so slow

As above, so below

But what is outside begets not what is in

Not all nuggets are golden

Interactions controlled and inner actions beholden

To a mind both capable and un

Depressive but fun

Exhausted and done

But why?

Am I?

Why yearn so to die?

Why so often cry?

For what? For who? For why?

I know there is beauty

But the surface belies

The truth

The compliment of the one seen

Is the side that dirties what’s clean

The insult?

Refocus the eye

A breath away from a cry

Inside up outside down

Not yet lost, still unfound

Not smiles, not quite frowns

Not all this

Not all that

Nothing of anything

Anything but nothing

At least in my mind

I hope. I will. I be… eh?

The pursuit is to find

A place there exists with somewhat steady ground

So I can stand

On my own two feet

And walk around

Plant some roots

And rebound

Feel the sun on my cheeks

As I am warmed by warmth from above

From a place within

Should be warmed too by love

But that place is no more

Ceasing to be

At least for me

No more light

No more bright

No more heat

Been deceived by delight

Mistook the dark

Forgot the shadows

No more reason to keep

A vacancy for a love

That will not again be

What will come of me?

I am Strong

I am Free

The champion of defeat

I, Challenger laid at my own feet

It’s quite a feat

To both charge and retreat

To fight a battle that gains no ground

To lose and win with each round

Both victor and conquered

The same blood spill down to the ground

Who has found

A way to wade through his haze we can’t stay

We can’t go

On.

And on.

And on, on, on…

Until what? Until when?

And to what end?