Dear Me

Letters to me, from me

[ohdearestme]

Dear me,

I can't sleep...

The combination of an ache arm and overly full brain is not good.

Anxiety attacks aplenty.

Please taken...

Night for now x

[ohdearestme]

[ohdearestme]

23/12/19 ((PM))

Dear Me (again),

It’s almost Christmas and yet I seem unable to feel happy.

Maybe it is the fragility of my family members - the fact my dad had to wrestle a dog off Sparky yesterday rendering him breathless and in pain... the fact that my mum still doesn’t know what’s causing her rash... My uncle continues to deteriorate too....

When we are in a rush to grow up no-one tells us of the pain entailed in getting older...

It fucking sucks

Me x

[ohdearestme]

23/12/19

Dear Me, 

My anxious brain hurts...

My body aches...

I am tired from overthinking. 

Help!

Me

[sidneysloth]

Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey (at Banialuka Pub) https://www.instagram.com/p/B2B6yQGp-JU/?igshid=nc8zao0401ue

[sidneysloth]

[sidneysloth]

[ohdearestme]

Dear Me,

I feel slightly blessed but slighty in shock. 

In my last two jobs I have had managers who I can talk to. 

Managers who I have been able to vent to when things have been getting to me.

Managers who have given me a debrief when I have need one.

Managers who have reassured me it’s all going to be alright and that I can actually do this and do it well.

It is a far cry from working at By the Bridge and Carmarthenshire County Council...and whilst it made me feel slightly uneasy at first I am now realising that actually it’s rather nice, and it’s what I deserve. 

You’re an okay person...

Me,

[ohdearestme]

Dear Me, This fills me with glee, yesterday I walked over 10,000 steps...Maybe I can do better with this exercise malarkey

Exhaustedly

[ohdearestme]

Dear Me,

So the job that I dislike in the organisation I like is going to be coming to an end pretty much as quickly as it started. I am potentially out of there by the end of next month and it’s brought up some interesting emotions...

I guess it’s got me thinking about how my career seems to have been on a somewhat slippery slope since 2012... that was the year I thought I was doing the right thing and whistle blew... it however, resulted in an allegation being made against me... it cost me my job albeit temporarily... it cost me my mental health and it made me think seriously about what I wanted from work i.e. a feeling of safety and security. 

I spent one year pretty much unemployed then got a relief job with an organisation that I was aware of due to their involvement with previous clients... 

When I went for this job it was a) supposed to be a different job and b) only ever temporary so I guess I am surprised at feeling the way I do. I guess that at the end of the day whilst it’s the wrong role so much about the work environment is lovely especially the people I am working with.

I wish they’d make this work stuff easy...

Me x

[sidneysloth]

[ohdearestme]

These are my friends boobs. This is what I could see out of the corner of my eye when saying I do to my wife on our Wedding Day...

Can I ask is this really an appropriate dress to wear to a wedding?

Most of the talk about our day seems to be about this pair...

Am I just jealous?

[ohdearestme]

Dear Me,

Some days you kind of have to ask yourself why?

I mean you try to be a nice person, try to be fair and in return people just take the piss.

Case 1 : a friend who was offered our spare tickets for a concert. She accepted them and told us how much she was looking forward to coming... then in a friends facebook post I notice that she has something else on instead... I ask her to confirm whether she will be joining us and she responds that she won't be as she is doing something that day and night.... I don't know if she had actually planned on making my partner and I aware of this so that we could attempt to resell the ticket or whether we were just suppose to turn up on her doorstep next Saturday and find that she wasn't home.

Case 2 : a client in work asked to use the phone. She then proceeded to make 5-10 phone calls in which she talked with colourful language and made reference to her colourful drug taking. In a number of phone calls she told friends that this was her house phone number. At the point her friends started making calls to her I made them aware that they were in fact calling an office and that they should call her landline. Her response was to then start calling me a twat and asking me what my fucking problem was...

Questioningly,

Me

x 

[ohdearestme]

Dear Me,

So I recently started a new job, it's full time Monday to Friday 9 to 5. While it's not 100% what I want to be doing it's better than nothing...

Anyway, I've also continued working for my old employer and this weekend I am working two afternoon shifts with them.

I like being in both of the roles but for different reasons... with the one I love the client group... with the other I love the staff I work with... However, with both there are also things I don't like... in the one it's the inhalation of illegal drugs that the clients smoke... in the other it's the huge piles of admin...

Neither of them are permanent so that's why I am hanging on in there... I guess I am trying to make the most of the opportunity to earn money just in case one or both of them end up coming to an end...

It's tough but I guess you sometimes have to do these things....this week it means working 12 days without a break...

Tiredly,

Me

[ohdearestme]

Dear Me,

So I've been quiet... I have a new job which is proving interesting. I mean it's a job with an organisation I've really wanted to work with for some time but it's the wrong job :( too much admin and not enough people time. 

The area manager (i.e. the next one up from my team leader) admitted today that I had taken a step back - I mean even though I was a relief member of staff before I was getting regular client contact.

Part of me knows I need to stay there are is is regular, well paid and it's in a relevant field of work but part of me is already questioning how long I can manage it :(

Working hard, hardly working,

Me x

[ohdearestme]

Dear Me,

Sat in work and the music is blaring from the flat above. He gets angry when spoken to about it so even though it is loud enough that I can recognise every beat and every single thing being played I have yet to speak to him.

I look back on myself when I was that age and wonder where my teenage rebellion was. I don't think my parents ever had to speak to me about my music being too loud. In fact if I wanted to blast music out I used to put my headphones on. I used to make the most of there being no one around in the day time and would listen to it then. I even bought the sweary songs on cassette to minimise the chance of causing offence to my parents (I could only play CD's downstairs but I had a Walkman and cassette player in my bedroom).

I don't know if I did it out of respect for my parents or because even then I was a bit of an old fuddy duddy. These days my car stereo plays at somewhat muted tones and as soon as I pull in to a residential area the volume goes down further. I just thought it was common courtesy!

It's not as if I am a naturally quiet person. My mum told me frequently that I had a bell in every tooth and I was frequently told to either shut up or keep my voice down as a child!

The noise is getting to me and my head is starting to ache...I may have to have a whinge!

Quietly,

Me x 

[ohdearestme]

Dear Tenant,

I'm sorry that you've had some crap in your life. I'm sorry that you feel like you've been dumped in this housing project miles away from your friends and family. I'm sorry that you feel abandoned. I'm sorry that your flat isn't how you want it.

Yes, I can appreciate how horrible it is to be without electricity due to something that isn't your fault. Yes, I appreciate that you can't cook food, have a cuppa or wash. Yes, I know that it has been the best part of a day. Yes, I have told the necessary people. Yes, someone will be out.

Please do not take it out on me. Please stop the ranting. Slease stop the swearing. Please stop the anger.

Stay calm okay?

Me

[ohdearestme]

Dear Me,

I'm in work and I'm bored...

Now don;t get me wrong it's not as if I have nothing to do... I mean I have reading to be getting on with, an essay to plan... I just really don't fancy doing them.

Why is it that as frustrating as boredom is it can so often be much better than the alternatives?

bored

Me x