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@ohmymckinnon
āTonight she remembered details of those years which she thought she had forgotten, and at last she felt the stony ground of her heart break up; and tears, as difficult and slow as blood, began to trickle through her fingers.ā
James Baldwin (via alxkhrtn)
alicealongbottom:
How are things with you, anyway? I feel Iāve been missing lately. Not around as much, which is my fault.Ā
The only thing youāve missed me doing is running. I donāt like it, Alice. I donāt like it at all. I wish the bad guys wouldnāt run so much.
You have a pinch worthy arse. Has anyone told you?
longarse:
I did that on purpose, Iām sorry.
Think about it. What if we could?Ā
If?
You knew what youād be getting out of this conversation before it even started.
longarse:
The Rosiers, the Lestranges. The Carrows. Mulciberā Iād never, you know I wouldnāt. I thought about it but no fucking way.Ā
Travers.Ā
Best for last.
Owl Post || Marleon
mrgprewett:
20 January 1980, 00:18
Yeah, but itās also going to be brilliantly fun. (And I was kidding about the wardrobe, for the record.)
Hope, and something to hope for. Reasons to laugh, and sometimes laughter without any reason at all. The best sex. The knowledge that we have a true partnership, and youāre always looking out for me. Lots of things. I could keep going, but I think Iād rather tell you some more tomorrow.
Exactly. If there are things to write about, then we have to do it, not just let it fester. (I laughed.)
-Gideon
P.S. That you didnāt like how it felt when we changed how we signed off. Iām glad you said something about it. Iām glad we talked about it and made it better.
P.P.S. Come over. Please.
FIN.
Owl Post || Marleon
mrgprewett:
19 January 1980, 23:43
As in on a rink or some pond somewhere? I ask so I can make the proper arrangements, and also prepare the right wardrobe.
You do make me want to be better. I promise, you do. But even if you didnāt, you would still be the love of my life, because even if you donāt give me exactly all the things I give you, you give me so much that no one else could, and I wouldnāt want them to.
Thank you.
I guess it is. Itās just that itās okay if we have to keep writing about some things. Thatās all.
-Gideon
P.S. No, the thing about the names. And I donāt know what boys do, I only know what I do, and Iād much rather whisper it in your ear than write it out.
20 January, 1980, 12: 07 A.M.
Anywhere. Itās going to be disgustingly adorable when we go round the whole circle holding hands wherever it is.
What else do I give you? Besides fresh knickers. And hot cocoa. And lots of affection and kisses.
As long as we write about them, right? (Haā right.)
-Marlene
P.S. What thing about the names? I donāt remember. And now I want to know. Can I cash in on one of our three between dates? Please.
Owl Post || Marleon
mrgprewett:
19 January 1980, 18:02
Yes. It really, really helped.
And no, I donāt think you do. Love isnāt something you earn, and I donāt love you because you passed some arbitrary test or something, I just love you. And if thatās good enough for me, and itās good enough for you (is it good enough for you?) then nobody else ought to care what it looks like.
Also, Iām fairly certain her name isnāt Reportunzy, but I donāt know what it actually is. Some plant, I think, because in the beginning her mum was making her dad steal it from the witch only the witch caught him and said he could have the plant if she got the child and she named not-Reportunzy after it.
Thatās one kind. And another is being able to do this all in person. Maybe there are some things weāll always need letters for. But I hope that we donāt have to rely on them so heavily someday.
-Gideon
P.S. Iām glad you thought of it.
19 January, 1980, 9: 13 PM
I want to go ice skating this weekend, please.
No, not the love. But the title. The love-of-your-life should be someone who deserves it. And I want to earn it by giving you all the love youāve given me. I know itās not a competition, or a measurable thing. But I still want to
I donāt know. If you make me want to be better, I should be able to do that for you, too. Thatās important to me. Sticking together and all the building up, thatās important. And I donāt think I qualify otherwise.
Rosebush, may Oh. No, thatās Citizen Cane. I donāt know. Iāll look it up.
I donāt think so. Weāll be able to do this one day. Thatās part of the process, isnāt it? Transitioning into being able to listen to each other when weāre saying these things, and not reading and writing them? Weāll get there. It takes time. Thatās all.
-Marlene
P.S. The underwear? What do boys even do with girlsā knickers when they have them?
Owl Post || Marleon
mrgprewett:
19 January 1980, 7:35
You might think hearing that so many times gets old. It doesnāt. And Iām sure you know, I just wanted to remind you.
I donāt remember what you said that day or what I said, only that it felt so awful that I didnāt believe it was real even as you walked away. And I really donāt like thinking about you not being here. You have thanked me, thoughā maybe not in the traditional way, but then again itās not exactly a traditional thingā what Iām trying to say is youāve held my hand for a very long time, sometimes even without realising it, and thatās all the thanks I could ever hope for. You have been there for me in every possible way, just like I hope that I have for you. Because even if it isnāt just one person, itās a damn good thing, knowing you do have that one. So thank you, Marlene, for being my one in so many ways I couldnāt begin to count them all.
But most importantly, Iām really glad you told me all that, even though I really donāt know what to say. If I was there Iād have grabbed your hand long ago, but Iām not, and I think maybe this is one of those things that wouldnāt have happened if Iād been able to grab your hand from the start. (Iām sorry about the what-if). Sometimes I just canāt separate the practicalities from the idea of it all, and I canāt just change things in a snap. But I am trying to want those architects; to want to tell them. Because for me, wanting the ides is one thing, but the reality that can feel cold and harsh in comparison, thatās so much more difficult to want. But when you do, thatās how you know itās important. Something you absolutely have to do, and to keep fighting for, no matter what challenges arise.
I can think of loads more places I could say it that would be just as sexy. But the in the ear, youāre right. It was designed for close quarters delivery.
I love you, and I agree completely. As strong as we can possibly be.
-Gideon
P.S. I promise, I will never use it against you. It will never be a punishment.
P.P.S. You are trouble. And I love you for it.
19 January, 1980, 5:42 P.M.
Did it really help?
I have to make it look like I earned that whole love-of-your-life thing at least, donāt I? Anyway, I think itās only cold when youāre looking at it, or when you first jump in. Itās like when you go in the lake, and itās cold at first, and freezes everything, and then itās warm after a bit because youāve gotten used to it. It doesnāt have to be a snap. It can be in steps. You just have to remember thereās something at the end of them. The steps, I mean. Something at the bottom of the tower worth coming down the stairs for, Reportunzy (I think thatās it, the muggle princess with the hair).
Strong enough for you to be able to live and in person and whispering all kinds of things into my ear, huh?
-Marlene
P.S. I promise the same. Always and forever.
P.S.S. I know you do.
Owl Post || Marleon
mrgprewett:
18 January 1980, 20:12
Iām glad that I do. Really, really, glad. And I love you so fucking much, mad one.
Youāre presenting a pretty good argument already, for the record. Youāve nearly got me sold on the idea of it, and from there the practicalities
Well, the practicalities of anything are always so much more of a challenge, but I want to work these out. The practicalities of architects. Of asking for help or accepting it when itās offered, and recognising those times and not feeling extra shitty for it.
I really donāt think anything would be enough unless we were actually living together or something, and maybe not even thenāI donāt really see Fabian as much as Iād like, even with all the dinners we have together and morning bathroom rushes. Maybe thatās whatās so intoxicating, that we canāt get enough; we never get tired of each otherās company.
And even though I wouldāve liked to see you at lunch today, I think Iām glad you didnāt come find me. Because youāre right, this is going pretty smashing so far, and thatās not something to toss aside for easy conversation. This isnāt necessarily easy, but it is important and good and Iām glad weāre doing it.
That had better be a promise. About the nakedness next time.
-Gideon
P.S. I was all set to argue the point some more, but youāre right, we do have to talk, and I want to, itās not something I have anything to argue against. We have to get in the habit of spelling things out when we can so that when we canāt we can get at least halfway there. And I donāt think signing off is the only way to illustrate emotions, nor do I want it to be. I guess I just want the option to let my emotions influence that. I promise, Iām gonna tell you what Iām feeling, and try to tell you why. But I think that I want that, too, even if itās only for a little while.
P.P.S. Weāre gonna test that theory one day. I think it just might be on the mark.
P.P.P.S. Can we be better about it? Or try to, anyway? Even if it feels like whinging or ridiculous or boring or even all the above? Like the fact that Iām still doing the same shit and we really didnāt take enough days for holidays to warrant this kind of delay and so something has got to be wrong with my progress.
P.P.P.P.S. Is that a challenge?
19 January, 1980, 1:29 A.M.
I know you do. I love you, Gideon.
I want you to know how badly I wanted you out of my life when we broke up. I think you need to understand that and see, and that maybe it will help with everything thatās been going on that you canāt figure out. Because thatās what I wanted. You were in the way. Of what, I donāt know, and I donāt really care now, but we werenāt anything that I wanted, and I wanted you gone.
And then we did break up and I felt guilty. I felt so guilty. And angry. And so much had happened. Not just for us, but with everything, and my brother, and Frank, and Mason even, and I was tired. And I felt used and different and being with you while we werenāt physically together was hard. It was one more relationship that I was so convinced was going to fail and get fucked up that I didnāt want to let it get that far, I think. And thatās why it happened so easily. It was like whatever you said that day gave me an excuse. An out.
I hate myself for it sometimes. For pushing you out. For pushing everyone out, everyone who tried to be there when all I wanted was to be angry and cold and mean. Things with Frank were weird and different, and that scared me. I didnāt talk to Mason at all while he was in Spain. He didnāt even send me a card on my birthday. And you
Iām so glad. Iām so glad that I didnāt let all that angry, mean stuff get in the way of everything. Iām so glad I turned around and listened to that feeling in my gut and stuck with you. Iām so glad that I fixed things with Mason and Frank and everybody and everything else that I was stupid about. Because if I hadnāt done that, if I hadnāt let all of you in, even when it felt weird and wrong and hopeless and cold, I donāt know if Iād still be here. And I wouldnāt have you, and Iād be lost, I think. Iāve never properly thanked you, I donāt think, for all of the stuff youāve held my hand through. And I donāt know if I ever can because I donāt think there are any words in any of your dictionaries that can do it justice or make up for all of that. Sometimes, it felt like it was just you. And it wasnāt. Itās never as few people as you think it is. Thereās always more.
But I think the point Iām trying to make is that those architects are so goddamn important. And practicalities are nothing, really, with people you love, and who love you, even if you donāt think they do for a cold, mean minute. I always want to be your architect. And I know plenty of other people who would be, too. You just have to decide to let us be and let us know thatās what you want.
Anyway, I like it when you say intoxicating. Itās intoxic sexy. Thatās the kind of word that youāre supposed to whisper in my ear when I get out of a steamy shower or something, I think.
Iām glad, too. I think itās important that we keep talking and donāt interrupt. Itās like before, when we stopped with the sex because it makes things seem better than they are. And not that this isnāt better than it had been, because it is. Infinitely, even. But just because theyāre better than they have been doesnāt mean theyāre at their best and I donāt want us to think they are their best until they are. I want to keep working through this. I want us to be as strong as we have the potential to be. And I donāt think we can do that if we keep indulging ourselves and getting distracted from the working aspect of it.
That being said, Iāll see what I can do.
-Marlene
P.S. I want you to have control over your identity, too. I just want to be in the loop with the why sometimes. And I donāt want it used against me. And I know sometimes youāre not going to want to explain, and I get that. Itās like the things I want to keep to myself sometimes. Like the thing with the bint. I donāt know why. But I would never use it against you, like a bargaining chip or something. And not that itās ever what youāve meant to do, but sometimes it feels that way. Like itās a punishment. And thatās the part I want to get rid of.
P.S.S. I think so, too.
P.S.S.S. Yeah, we can. I want you to know what Iām doing, anyway, mostly. At least with that. Thatās not one of the special, personal secrets I want to keep, I mean. Iāll save that for snogging Mary andā I donāt know what else, actually.
P.S.S.S.S. No. Itās just informative. Iāll show you when I see you next. Promise.
P.S.S.S.S.S. Iāve included a pair of underwear. Youāre welcome.
Owl Post || Marleon
mrgprewett:
18 January 1980, 02:23
I know youāre almost certainly asleep already, and Iām sorry if this wakes you. Iāve told Dickie to be quiet, but I donāt know how reliable he is lately. I donāt know why Iām still awake, except that
I guess Iām too impatient. Iāve gotten used to knowing straight away and Iāve forgotten how to wait.
I really make you want to be your best self? Really and truly?
Nothing could ruin things between us. Not really. Not when you love me as much as you and Iām so in love with you that Iām never going to stop loving you. And I know you donāt want to change me. I know you want to help, even if itās difficult to remember in the moment.
And I think you have a point, about the foundation. I need be strong so I can help the people I want to help and fight the fight I need to fight. Iām not sold on the team of architects, but I think Iām willing to be persuaded.
Forgetting is how I ended up where I am, I think. Trying to forget and pushing it down until it didnāt make sense when it came bubbling back up.
That would defeat the purpose of this whole arrangement, wouldnāt it?
-Gideon
P.S. You can call me anything you want, you know. Well, except pretty boy. I draw the line there. But in all seriousness, I havenāt forgotten that Iāve only one essence. And you might be right, I could be giving the names thing too much weight. Itās just that
I donāt like that I had to clarify I wasnāt angry because I wanted to change how I signed off. But I donāt that itās conditional on ābending to each otherās every willā. It might be a bad habit, I donāt know, but itās important to me that you get a lot more of me than most people. And that when I need to draw back, I can, because I know youāre going to be there when Iām ready to come back. Like this, the writing letters, having space. Itās important, and I donāt want to trade it for anything, but itās not the same as you on my lap and my arms around your waist. The changing when angry thing is petty, I agree, but it also illustrates things that you might not be able to articulate, and I hate the way it feels to sign of normally when I donāt feel normal. Besides, normal is overrated.
P.P.S. Weāve officially gone in circles. I get the concept, Marlene, I just didnāt know there was such a thing as an amortentia candle. And Iām struggling to understand the practicalities of the object, as in how is it made? How does it work? But I donāt know if youāre in my amortentia or not, I havenāt smelled it since sixth year. I assume you are, I just donāt know.
P.P.P.S. Iām sorry Iāve been shitty at telling you things about work.
P.P.P.P.S. And I know just how youād be looking at me if you said that to my face.
18 January, 1980, 6:42 P.M.
You really do. Even when I forget to show it or donāt get to my best right away. You make me want to try harder and do better the next go. I wouldnāt be doing this if I didnāt want to be better. Us to be better, too.
I love you, I love you, I love you, blitz.
Good. Because I think you need to be persuaded. Because you need architects. I wouldnāt be where I am now after all the things that have happened if I didnāt have a bunch of architects to build me up the whole time through. And after. Even on the days where I was angry and didnāt know why or have a good reason. I still have those, sometimes. The people help. You just have to let them. And they usually take it as flattery when you ask.
I still get you three times a month, donāt I? Or five? Something. It doesnāt feel like enough. I didnāt try to find you on lunch today because I think this is going well. Weāre talking about important things, and really talking. And itās not that I donāt want to see you. But itās better if me and you figure this out first, I think.
I miss you, though, still. And next time, there will be nakedness.
-Marlene
P.S. I donāt like that you had to, either. Thatās my point. And if you think thatās the only way to illustrate that youāre angry about something, then maybe thatās our problem. That weād rather make grand gestures and assume the other already knows the code or can read our mind if they donāt. Thatās not fair. You have to tell me when youāre angry with me, and you have to tell me why, so I can understand it and fix it and not do it again. Just like when you say something and it rubs me the wrong way, and I tell you so you can fix it and not rub me the wrong way anymore. I just donāt want to use that anymore. Use whatever feels normal, fine. Take space, fine. But we canāt dangle pieces of ourselves out at each other like carrots and rabbits and just expect each other to get the point by taking parts away for petty reasons instead of reasons like I need space. We have to talk to each other, Gideon. You can articulate anything, eventually, if you try.
P.S.S. I have a very big, grand suspicion that Iām the whole damn thing.
P.S.S.S. Iām sorry I have, too.
P.S.S.S.S. I donāt think you do. Itās not the face Iād normally use.
Owl Post || Marleon
mrgprewett:
16 January 1980, 21:45
Itās a lot to reconcile, that bad changes for me donāt change how you feel. I guess, because, sometimes it feels like you fell in love with one version of me, when I was doing certain things and acting certain ways. I know itās not true, but sometimes it feels like it is. And when it does, knowing that you donāt think Iāve changed for the better in a particular respect or another, itās like a double dose of doubt. Because if the things you love about me are gone, whatās left? And like I said, itās only sometimes, and usually I know itās irrational to begin with, but as youāve so wisely told me, it doesnāt matter that itās irrational, I feel it, and that matters.
And sometimes it scares me, asking for help, or trying to make myself whole when there is so much fractured and shattered already. Like itās selfish when there are more important things, or like maybe Iām not meant to be whole at all. Not just because of the war, but because if I canāt do it myself then somethingās wrong, or missing, or the premise is flawed.
Thank you, for saying that. As soon as I read it, it felt like a reminder, which all the best truths do, but I think it was one I really did need to hear.
You are not a bad leader. But I donāt think weāre a group who really wants any one leader aside from Dumbledore. Heās the common thread, isnāt he? The one person we all trust implicitly; the reason weāre there in the first place. I mean, I agree, people arenāt really stepping up to take charge of the things they care about, but you still like leading the charge more than anyone else there, I think.
You in your flat and me, naked in mine helps you how, exactly? Iām curious, here, have you got something in my room I should be worried about?
I donāt know how to stop letting it, though. I believe you, that thereās a way, I just donāt know it.
-Gideon
P.S. I think what I was trying to say is that āGidā feels much more carefree and innocent than āGideonā does and maybe Iāve been clinging to signing off like that because I was struggling with all the ways Iāve changed, and the fact that a lot of them donāt feel that great. But there are some things I donāt have control of, and some things that canāt go back, and maybe Iām more Gideon now. Does that clarify at all? (Is it making sense backwards?)
P.P.S. Of course I got my N.E.W.T., I know what amortentia is and the whole smell thing. Iām just confused about the candle piece.
P.P.P.S. You didnāt know? Iām on level seven. And Iāve picked my field and Iām supposed to have a mentor assigned but I havenāt, Iām just working out of the Ministry still and it feels like somethingās wrong.
P.P.P.P.S. I love you, McSunshine. And your Sās.
17 January, 1980, 10:49 P.M.
Youāre the same you. You still make me want to be my best self. I could never not love you, even if things are hard, and even if something happened to ruin things between us. Which it wonāt. I canāt not love you. Iāll never want anyone the way I want you. Iāll always want the best for you and always want to help you get it. That doesnāt mean changing you, that doesnāt mean not letting you grow however you have to grow. Itās just trying to help
I really love you. But I know what you mean, about the feelings. You can feel what you feel. And you canāt take care of the bigger things until you take care of yourself. Thatās not selfish. The foundation canāt be called selfish for making itself stronger for everything else. And the foundation canāt make itself better. It needs a staff of architects to make it all better.
I think Iām going to make a very vegetarian meal and forget about all the other dinner parties until I canāt.
I miss your whole body. You could just come over and we could be naked together.
Can you figure out how it started?
-Marlene
P.S. I think youāre forgetting that you have a core and an essence. That no matter what things change, your heart is still the same heart itās always been. And Iāll call you whatever you want and let you sign off however you want, but I think youāre making it too important. Your name is your name. And we should stop letting ourselves use our moods to dictate our identities and vice versa and stop signing differently just because weāre angry and expect each other to know that just because itās a different name. That irritates me. And we should stop taking parts of ourselves away from each other like theyāre only accessible when weāre bending to each otherās every will and then we have to explain weāre not mad. Thatās stupid. Iām taking that away.
P.S.S. An amortentia candle. You can burn it and the whole room will smell like me. Arenāt I in your amortentia?
P.S.S.S. I wish I would have known that earlier. I didnāt know youād picked a field either.
P.S.S.S.S. I know exactly how youād be looking at me if you said that to my face. I can feel your eyes through the parchment.
Owl Post || Marleon
mrgprewett:
16 January 1980, 16:34
Iām sorry I made you feel like that, too. I know how shitty it is, and just how easy it is to act on that feeling. But Iām still sorry that it changed how I acted, because I like talking to you. Youāre one of my favourite people to talk to. And I donāt want to ruin my favourite things or miss out on opportunities to experience them. No more than I want to be scared when it comes to you. Honestly, it scares me that you were scared, which is probably how this whole thing started.
You have, but youāve mainly led teams. Look at duelling clubā you were in charge, leading and directing and telling people whatās what. And maybe thatās whatās so difficult about those dinner parties, because youāre trying to lead, but it doesnāt always work. (Though I think itās worth it when it does.)
Well, matters of the heart, especially concerning you, feel important. And purposefully not telling you important things, that feels dishonest to me.
You think me sitting starkers in my room would help me I canāt even begin on the armour metaphor with the rest of that sentence. It doesnāt matterā what does, is how do I force myself to be vulnerable? Isnāt that sort of thing ruined by the effort?
-Gideon
P.S. Iām changing the order of the post scripts because I wanted you to know straight away that Iām not signing like that because of anything you said. I just think maybe I feel more like Gideon right now. And even if my ears are blocked and Iām not hearing people call me Gid, Iām not sure that itās something I want to utilise right now for myself.
P.P.S. Arenāt love potions illegal to use? Are there really love potion candles?
P.P.P.S. From when I started. The sixth.
P.P.P.P.S. Iām very glad youāre writing backwards again.
16 January, 1980, 7:57 P.M.
I donāt want you to think that I wonāt love you if you change. I donāt want you to think that when I yell or get confused or get angry about something like Iāve been doing, it is because Iām scared. Not of change by itself, but of it being a bad change. Of it being bad for you. Thatās what scares me. That youāre going to tear yourself apart over everything instead of letting us help you put yourself back together. And maybe I need to find a different way to say them, but I only say them because I care and because I worry about you. Promise. And itās important to me that you know that.
Why doesnāt it always work? Is it because Iām a bad leader, or because Iām not supposed to be leading all the time? And if I donāt lead, then whoās going to? Show me someone who will step up, and Iāll back down. Maybe.
It would help me. No, itās not. Youāre conscious of it, I think. So it bristles up. And you can feel it bristling up and you let it. Stop letting it. And I didnāt think we were talking about not telling each other. I thought we meantā I donāt know what we meant now actually.
-Marlene
P.S. I donāt know what to say. Mostly because I donāt know what that means. Should I mention Iām reading backwards, too?
P.S.S. They smell good. Like your amortentia. Didnāt you get your N.E.W.T. in potions?
P.S.S.S. Youāre not training in the Ministry, are you? How can you have been training in the Ministry without me knowing?
P.S.S.S.S. I love you, blitz. I love you a lot.
Owl Post || Marleon
mrgprewett:
16 January 1980, 14:26
Because itās on purpose. I like the reminder that I have things to say. I keep feeling terse and silent lately, and nowhere near the rambling can talk about anything I used to be. And I guess directness is good, but knowing this, itās like having a piece of me put back from where I thought it was missing.
Well, I do want to hear about it, but not if itās gonna bore you to tell. Iām sorry about the team thing. And that you didnāt pass.
I donāt know if I do. I mean, I get not wanting any more heart acrobatics than we possibly need, but it feels a little deceptive. A little like lying. A white lie, but a dishonest just the same.
So now Iāve got to take off my armour, huh?
-Gid
P.S. No, itās just that I notice it less. When youāre right there I canāt possibly forget about it, and itās very vibrant and real.
P.P.S. I hope not. Itās work. I was supposed to train out of the Ministry about a month.
P.P.P.S. It feels weird signing āGidā and I donāt know why. Probably because you havenāt called me that in a long time. Nobody has, actually.
P.P.P.P.S. Did you write that one backwards?
16 January, 1980, 2:48 P.M.
I miss you talking to me. I like when you have things to say. And Iām sorry I made you feel like you couldnāt say them in the first place. Iām sorry weāve both not just felt like that, but acted on it. Or didnāt act, really. I let myself be scared of talking to you, and thatās just as wrong as whatever happened to make me feel that way in the first place, I think.
Mostly itās on theory at first. I mean, I was practicing still, but my exam was mostly theoretical. The first one, at least. This one was more about the team. Which is bullshit. Iāve worked in a team before, havenāt I?
Whatās dishonest about it?
Yeah, you do. Get naked. Metaphorically naked. Or really naked, too, if it helps.
-Marlene
P.S. Iām going to get you one of those love potion candles so you can smell me all the time, even when Iām away.
P.S.S. When?
P.S.S.S. I bet they have and you just didnāt listen. The armour got your ears, too.
P.S.S.S.S. Yes.
Owl Post || Marleon
mrgprewett:
16 January 1980, 13:03
Iām glad you did tell me. And I miss you, too.
What was this exam even in? Because I canāt imagine you looking like a beginner, especially if you thought you were ready to take it six months early. You didnāt ever tell me about all the steps of training, did you? Because Iām trying to remember if you did, and anything you mightāve said about it, and Iām coming up blank, and if you did and I just forgot, Iām sorry. It wasnāt because itās not important.
My heart does funny things when you talk about crying like that, so I think it would be more accurate to say that no one sees anyone else getting flustered. And the flustered can, potentially, get edited out.
But youāre wrong, if we were heartless, there wouldnāt be a point to in person. It wouldnāt matter. And Iām struggling enough with the heartless thing as it is, I think Fabianās half-convinced Iāve lost mine already. Which is what comes when you bottle things up, I guess, but it never seems to go any better when I say them out loud.
-Gid
P.S. I especially miss the way your hair smells when your lips are on my neck and the way your voice sounds when somethingās important.
P.P.S. How long is a month? Iām not talking a calendar, I mean if someone says about a month, how long is that?
16 January, 1980, 2:12 P.M.
I like this. I feel better already. Itās easy this way. Missing you because Iām not away from you because weāre avoiding each other or something.
Because no one knows how to follow me Because Iām not ready to work on a team yet. I donāt know if I did. Itās not that interesting, really. Unless you want to hear about it.
Yeah, I like that. Then your heart doesnāt have to do funny things. My heart does funny things thinking about yours doing funny things over me crying.
I donāt think youāre heartless. I think maybe what happened is you have too much of it, and itās extra vulnerable. Thatās not good when youāre vulnerable. So your body decided to give you armor to put around it. Except it makes it hard for everything else to get in.
-Marlene
P.S. Does it smell different when my lips are in other places?
P.S.S. Four weeks, I think. Why? Are you going four weeks without me?
Owl Post || Marleon
16 January, 1980, 12:11 P.M.
I failed my exam.
Thereās a second exam in another six months, and I took it early. What else was I supposed to do? Thereās you, and thereās everything else, and broccoli or vegetables or whatever. I donāt have time to train. I donāt have time to wear my body out every day doing stuff I already should be able to do. And I wanted to get done early, and I didnāt just fail, but they told me I look like a beginner.
I almost didnāt tell you because itās so embarrassing, but I donāt know who else to tell that could understand me like you do. And itās easier on paper. I donāt cry when itās on paper, so no one gets flustered.
Maybe itās the emotions. Maybe if we were heartless, weād be ok in person.
I miss your face. And your layers. And your everything.
And I hope work is better for you.
-Marlene
P.S. I didnāt write this backwards, but if I had, that would have all been one piece anyway, so it doesnāt count.
longarse:
Nothing right now but I thought it was a good place to start. I wanted opinions, I didnāt wantā this might sound the opposite of helpful going into it but I donāt exactly have the time to waste on it if everyone is going to think itās a bad idea.
Ha. You donāt care about it being a good or bad idea. You care about me enabling you.
