When it comes to love you're just as blinded. @ohsohoney - Tumblr Blog

When it comes to love you're just as blinded.

Part Twenty-Five

Eminem x Musician

Summary: It starts with a drunk embarrassing video, it spirals into something a whole lot more.

| Set in 2014, just after the release of LP 2

Notes: Long one this time around! Lots going on, lots of jumping between scenes! Starts off with an interview sort of vibe which is something I hope works the way I want it to, then shifts Pov!

Just some warnings: Mentions of body-image, mostly used in a joking manner. Also light talk of anxiety/heavy emotions that are felt. Think that's it but feel free to remind me if not:)

taglist: @thelastemzy @helloitsme1223 @geekchic48 @antisocialsocialclub5

Masterlist

Eminem on New Single, Incoming Album and Career | Interview

– A Clip from The NY Tally. The later half of Eminem’s life has been greatly shaped by fame, but he has always remembered his roots and the struggles it took for him to get to where he is today. He’s grown to have become one of music's most iconic artists, changing the industry from the inside out and opening up doors for other rappers alike. In this interview, during his break between singles and in a home in London, he gets candid about what inspired his new album “Revival”, the people he has worked with, and the controversies he has faced in the press. He opens up about the complicated relationship he has with the limelight and his need to shield his family from it. Watch the full conversation here: ‘article.htpp//theinterviewMMrev’

I first spoke to Marshall a few weeks before we scheduled this interview.

Paul Rosenberg, the man’s manager, was the one I reached out to when I first heard about the second Eminem album that was set to be released a little over a year from the last– jumping nearly half a decade since the time “Recovery” was revealed back in 2010.

‘Why such a big time jump, why now?’ I kept wondering to myself once the news had finally died down.

Marshall’s troubled past wasn’t something that he had ever kept quiet, he had always been very vocal about his abuse of drugs and alcohol alike, whether it was hearing about it in his lyrics, his interviews or just on stage. But even so, after “Relapse” and “Recovery” it was difficult not to equate either of those things with most of his music, his lifestyle, and even harder not to look at him and question if he truly was staying sober, if rehabilitation had worked as well as he had claimed. Or if, like so many others in the industry, the man would eventually walk away from the limelight only to turn up on the front page of whatever newspaper first got their greedy hands on his eventual passing.

Morbid, I know. But far from unusual within this line of work.

Still, shifting over onto Marshall’s last album “Marshall Mathers LP 2”, a homage to his iconic 2000 record and himself, I don’t think it would be a lie to claim that it honestly was the last thing people expected to see from him. The first LP was and probably always will be his biggest album to date, it's widely considered his magnum opus and one of the greatest rap albums of all time. It's since sold 25 million copies worldwide, making it one of the best-selling albums ever, and is certified 12x platinum and Diamond by the RIAA.

I suppose looking back now, it shouldn’t have been as big of a surprise as it felt for Marshall to want to revisit those roots he’d created and experiment once again with what made his music so loved. Especially after focusing so hard on his health.

Even so, three years is a long time to wait for something new to be released after an album that was so commercially successful, yet Marshall still did it and shocked us all once more by dropping this second release only thirteen months after the fact.

“Revival”, it seems, is all anyone can talk about whenever the man’s name now gets brought up, conversation about what kind of music he might bring to the table this time around is all up in the air after the album’s first single was released just hours ago. ‘Walk on Water’ featuring singer/songwriter ELIA has shifted the dynamics in the man’s obvious sound and has since faced some critical reception– from the artist chosen to feature, down to the evident rage-spittle. A term that, yes, I really did have to look up.

I asked Marshall about this today and, although there was emotion within his words, he was very straight talking when it came down to what he thought about it all.

‘The song, it weren’t even written by me.’ He began, hands laying heavily in his lap, ‘Elia is such a credit to everybody around her, the woman burns with this raw sorta talent that even I struggle to understand– some people don’t see it, some get swept up in it. I, obviously, was the latter. She’s critical of herself to a fault, so the shit this song’s faced within the last day or two, it’s only fueled that. But in all honesty? She was the first one to mention gettin’ someone else on the track (Walk on Water) when we started working on it together, someone bigger who could do it “justice”.’ It appeared he didn’t much like that last word. ‘But from the day I first heard her? I knew that there wasn’t a chance in hell that I was ever lettin’ her get away without at least hearin’ her voice on a record. So that idea flew out the window real quick.’

‘There are so many other songs which feature a variety of artists on this particular album, why not use someone else for this single release and have her on another?’

He gave me quite the reaction when I asked this particular question and it was perfect timing too that our video call’s connection stuttered for a split-second to catch it before his features schooled out into his usual stoic expression again.

‘It was her song. It’s like askin’ the elves to let Santa Clause make up all the presents but not let him near the sleigh.’ He cursed here, quite brightly I might add, before he chuckled mostly to himself, ‘Sorry. Been spendin’ too much time with my kid. Holidays are comin’ up real soon and, well, it’s been a mess. Why I thought to release again in December, I’ll never know.’

Marshall, evidently, was sitting outside during our call, something which I drew attention to quite early on. But— ‘An’ you’re inside.’ Was the only reply I received to it, so, laughing softly I decided to try another angle, pondering on his whereabouts seeing as it was currently snowing rather heavily in Detroit.

‘I’d heard.’ He told me when I informed him of the weather, turning thoughtful as he did. ‘My daughter’s obsessed with it at the moment. Kid wants to go sledding when I get back and skate on the lake out by my brother’s house.’

‘You can skate?’

He scoffed at the very notion. ‘People gone start callin’ me Bambi either way, but I ain’t half bad on the ice.’

‘Just have to wait until you return to The States then to demonstrate that.’

Marshall, clever beyond just his smart rhymes, knew I’d yet to let my curiosity lie. ‘London ain’t half bad neither.’ He gave away, watching me carefully, ‘Ain’t no Costa Rica but the people here are alright.’

Now, London is quite the world away from Michigan. That much was obvious. But I had seen that he’d been spotted at a terminal in Heathrow the night before. Even so, Marshall had always been quite the homebody and although fond of the UK, it had never been a destination we’d expect to spot him in too frequently unless the man was touring. The information was peculiar, especially after having seen the recent headlines in the press.

‘London is the hometown of ELIA, is it not?’ I’d found myself asking him, rather bravely if I might admit, ‘After the latest snapshots of the two of you back in Detroit, you being there is all rather on the nose, if you don’t mind my saying.’

‘London’s a big place.’

Indeed it is, and Mr Mathers wasn’t the type to leave all his eggs to rot in one basket…

Knowing when to fold my hand though, I moved onto the gentle prodding of who else just might feature on this up and coming album of his–

–

Marshall’s POV:

“Hey, babe, all done?”

He hummed from where he had decided to half-melt into the garden bench, it was cushioned, comfy, and hidden beneath a sturdy gazebo at the far edge of the property. Elia’s brother had mentioned using it for the call when she had started up the conversation of getting everybody out of the house so that he’d have some semblance of peace.

He’d been wary at first: the wind, the cold, the fact that it very obviously wasn’t Detroit. But the corner was surrounded by a small forest full of trees and Danny, as well as the friend that had been staying with them, had even come out to start up the fire-pit for him, which seemed to stave away the frigid air.

They were a dynamic sort of pair, Danny and Tadgh, not the type of guys he usually gravitated towards, but Marshall liked them both all the same. And not just for the fact that they were family to his– girl?

He rubbed his eyes at the question which chose to bounce around in his head as he forced himself to sit up, blinking blearily at the sight he was then met with, El rounding the edge of the fire-pit with two steaming cups in hand.

His what, girlfriend? Was that where that thought had been headed?

God, he was way too old to be anyone’s fuckin’ boyfriend. Felt way too high school now– and shit, how was he forty-fuckin’-two still stressing over crap like this?

“Marsh?” She called out gently again, peering down at him with an unsure frown before she gestured softly towards the space beside him, the space where he had haphazardly chucked his laptop and the rest of his shit after the call had disconnected.

Blinking, he jumped to move it all down onto the sidetable about an arm's length away, not even second guessing the gesture as the woman in question handed him a mug of his own and settled quietly into his side. She was wearing tiny shorts, the type she liked to sleep or laze about in, but the scarf and heavy hoodie she’d thrown on seemed to keep out most of the cold. Still, he wrapped himself around her all the same.

“How’d it go?” She wondered after a moment had passed, sipping on her drink, an action that reminded him of his own. He sighed slightly at the taste, at how familiar it was now becoming.

Marshall shrugged lightly in reply, swallowing around his mouthful before he found his voice once again, “Fine. Guy was sharp, asked questions without really askin’ them.”

She merely laughed at that, blowing air out of her nose in that way that only she could. “Little like you then?”

He rolled his eyes, not deigning to comment on it.

She just smirked.

“So, Dan and T want to head out for food tonight. Figured I’d ask you though, but it would be around eight-ish and up in Mile End, so I doubt there’d be many people moochin’ about.” She told him, swiftly changing the subject as she so often tended to do. “Could show you some of my old stomping ground whilst we’re there, the restaurant sits beneath this old flat my mate used to rent.”

Looking out across the rest of the garden as she ventured on, he thought on it. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to go out, or not be able to see some of the parts that made her her but… There always had to be a fuckin’ but. And that call had proved as much. Those pap shots of him at the airport had said exactly that.

Even so, even after everything he’d gone through, not just with her but with every other woman before her, from his mother to his fucking ex wife, he still said, “Sounds good, baby.”

——

“How the heck di’ ye make her?” Tadgh asked over the plethora of food that had been ordered to the tiny booth we had ended up in. It was perched in the very back of this family run business that I used to frequent a ton as a teen, it hadn’t changed a bit, the faux-leather seats and peel-and-stick tiles were still exactly the same as I remembered them.

Marshall scowled across the table at the Irish man, scoffing as he playfully snatched back his phone, taking the most recent picture he had of Z with it. “Fuck you mean? She’s all me, that kid.”

I smiled around my straw at his words, taking another look at the photo. It must have been taken the day of the carnival, there were far too many colourful lights for it not to have been.

“Some angel up there must’a done somethin’ right by her, I swear ‘cause she had to h’ve been blessed to h’ve missed owt on inheritin’ that there nose o’ yers.” T continued teasingly, smirking all the while as Danny shook his head, trying desperately to dampen his own growing mirth.

Marshall retaliated by lobbing a half-eaten spring roll at the man’s head, though it didn’t seem to bother Tadgh none seeing as he popped it into his mouth the second it hit the table top. I grimaced to myself even as he and Em continued on with their little back and forth, bickering in a way I hadn’t seen from them before.

Looking over at Danny though, I wasn’t all that surprised to see the dopey grin that now overwhelmed his face, all gleaming eyes and pearly white teeth. I directed a raised brow his way when he caught me watching him.

He just frowned, tilting his head in a barely-there gesture to silently question me. It was a tad defensive, in truth, so I doubled up on the brows, pursing my lips slightly before I ultimately shrugged and went back to sipping at the milkshake Em and I had decided to share. Vanilla and honeycomb. An odd concoction for a Chinese restaurant to offer but lovely all the same.

I knew Dan like the back of my hand though, and so it didn’t take too long for the muppet to fall for my old tricks, kicking at the bone of my ankle to regather my supposedly ‘lost’ attention. He shot me a scathing look before he then frowned. ‘What?’ He mouthed after noting that the other two were still squabbling.

Again, I shrugged, letting my eyes trail over to Tadgh for a drawn out second before falling back on my brother once more. Danny’s stare didn’t dare falter, didn’t narrow nor widen. He simply watched me, waiting perhaps for another reaction to follow.

I watched him back.

I’d never been oblivious, purposefully obtuse, sure, but never oblivious. And I liked to believe that I knew my siblings better than I knew myself most days, so this, whatever was going on here, wasn’t something that I had never wondered over. It had simply just been a passing thought that had drifted in a handful of times whilst we’d been growing up.

In truth, once Danny had been shipped off with the army, the idea, or question really as it had been, hadn’t cropped up again.

Until now, I supposed. Until Tadgh.

Dan said nothing, he didn’t look sheepish nor concerned, just cool. Almost vacant.

My forehead pinched at the sight of it and I questioned over what he thought I might have reacted like. What I might have said if he had been the one to mention it, to actually bring it up. Though that was solely the reason why I’d chosen to drop a hint, knowing from odd snippets and close calls that my brother wouldn’t, if ever, just tell me.

And I knew why.

Still, I forced my shoulders to soften anyway, and for my brow to even out. Forgetting about the memories that came with the reminder. Then I smiled, knowing that as I did, it reached my eyes, then gently I knocked my knees against his own beneath the tabletop. And all I could think was ‘Look at us. Look at us now, who would have thought?’

And Dan, he finally smiled back at me, as though he could see all of the thoughts as they echoed around inside my head.

Look at us.

–

Ed Sheeran HQ @Edsheeran Nov 03, 2014 “River with Eminem out friday x” – Ed on instagram

–

It was odd.

Screaming, I had predicted. Tears even, were due to be a given.

But this? This silent staring match that we’d all been forced to watch? No, that had been the furthest idea from my mind.

Lottie. Yeah… I supposed that was all that needed to be said here. But, oh God, was it hilariously terrifying just how rapidly her demeanour had shifted. One second she’d been waltzing in through the front door with her usual smile, duffle slung over one shoulder and hair sodden from the sudden downpour we’d just been hit with, and the next her duffle had hit the floor with a resounding thud and her bright eyes had widened beyond measure.

I’d heard her arrival, caught up in the kitchen and putting what was left of our dinner away, whilst Danny and Tadgh had headed up stairs the second we’d gotten in from the restaurant. I’d not thought much of the front door opening in truth, there was more than just me here at the minute so the sound hadn’t stuck out to me. Marshall’s dumbfounded “Uh..” on the other hand, had.

Frowning, I’d grabbed the closest tea towel to me and wiped my hands free of the sauce that had escaped the container as I let the fridge rattle shut behind me, moving towards the sound.

“Marsh?” I called out, briefly wondering if T was walking around stark-bollock naked again before I rounded the nearest corner and paused.

It was an odd sight, Marshall stood just past the entryway to the living room, spoonful of the ice-cream we’d picked up on the way back halfway to his lips and glasses sloping down the bridge of his nose whilst my sister appeared to have stopped breathing altogether.

I mimicked Em’s earlier sound, if only to myself, stuck in this stalemate that had since been created and panicking over who would move first. Before a resounding thud of footsteps came barreling down the staircase, a matching set of laughter trailing along with it.

“Oh shit, Lotts! What you doin’ here, mate?” Danny all but beamed the second he caught sight of his little sister, leaping off the third bottom step and onto the hallway rug in a fluid movement which spoke much to his height.

It was the one-armed hug he then roped her into which set her back into motion– or, you know, forced the air back into her lungs… either or.

“What the fuck.” We all heard Lottie then mutter, wide eyes still aimed over Danny’s shoulder even as she found the strength to haphazardly wrap her arm back around his middle in return. It was only as he moved to pull away that she repeated her sentiment, which set off something akin to a chain reaction.

Tadgh moved first, peering over the banister’s railing to see what had her acting so strange, his face shifting swiftly into an expression that could have only rivalled a little kid at Christmas when he saw Marshall frozen there.

Danny was next, turning wildly to follow her attention. His mouth opened then snapped closed just as quickly, which in turn forced an ugly snort to escape him.

Me, well I decided to take a singular step closer. And as I did, Marshall’s head snapped over towards me, his face as impassive as always to everybody else, but I could see the slight hint of fear which shone in his eyes, which in itself had me pausing, wondering why, of all the emotions, fear would factor in here. Lotts was a mega-fan, yeah, but she wasn’t about to keep his beard clippings in a baggy or, I don’t know, count the fucking freckles on his left leg to sell to the highest bidder.

Deciding to shelf that for now, I let my stare flicker over to my sister again, who was now sporting the most sheepish grin I’d ever seen her bare.

I honestly had to blink at the sight, even as I threw the tea towel over my right shoulder and moved towards her.

Though it was then that a whole new revelation took over me, a realisation hitting me at full force like a bullet train on its track.

“Hang on– Firstly, how the hell did you get here? You’re soddin’ soaked to the bone. And two, why didn’t you, I don’t know, Lottie! Ring me, or at least text Danny or something? I could have come and gotten you, I could have sent a car! Would’ve saved you a walk in the rain!” I exclaimed, not paying any note to the way Danny winced theatrically and slid away to jokingly escape into T’s side. “What if I’d been out, what would you have done then?”

It seemed to be my words which appeared to spark Lottie back into fifth gear though, because as soon as I was a breadth away from her, her face morphed into something pinched and she accompanied the eyeroll she gifted me with a very hearty huff– a true embodiment of The Angsty-teen™.

“Jesus, I got the train! It wasn’t even rainin’ when I left either, I was fine.” Lottie defended herself, scoffing loudly before she shook her head in a gesture that was more mocking than annoyed. “You’d’ve thought I’d never done it before!” Laughter littered her voice.

“Yeah,” I shot back, almost mystified by her utter lack of self-preservation. “But it’s almost half eleven at night, for God’s sake. The last train might have gotten you here, but you’re fourteen, Lotts! Do you not know who could’ve been out there lurking? Just waiting for someone like you to–”

“Someone like me? Oh I get it, wow. But honestly, overreact much?” Lottie snarked right back at me, earning a low mutter of oo’s to sound from the two idiots standing just behind her. Both of which I shot the dirtiest look I could muster, pointing Danny an expression that said ‘Really?’ whilst I was at it. Honestly, was I the only adult around here?

“Overreact? Lottie–”

I was cut off before I could even get started in truth, “Don’t, Lia. Seriously, I was fine. I am fine. I don’t need you babying me constantly. I do it all the time and nothin’ ever happens because, unlike you, I know I’m not an idiot.”

“All the time?” I spluttered, a little breathless at the very idea of it. “When? No, wait– hang on, where are you goin’ at almost midnight anyway? Whenever you’re here you barely leave the house!”

“But I haven’t been here, have I? Mum and Dad let me stay out as late as I want, say I’m old enough. And even when I do, I’m only ever goin’ to Shan’s!” She spat back at me, truly believing that she was making perfect sense here, when in reality it didn’t seem to add up to anyone but herself and the two idiots I’d actually been naive enough to let look after her. “I wasn’t out clubbin’ underage, or sellin’ shit down by the canals like some people. Yeah, I know all about that.” She added simply because she could, smiling spitefully now at the look of pure horror which then crossed my face.

“How? Who told you that crap?” I gaped, suddenly baffled, no, bewildered by the fact that she somehow knew anything of the sort about my past, the only people who could have known were– My face fell and an icy chill rippled over me. “What the hell has he been tellin’ you? I knew this would be a bad idea, I knew that it would all go up in flames! But no, I was being the bigger person, you wanted to get to know him, to understand! And of course, of fucking course, he’d only try to shit all over me!”

I laughed, a little hysterically. Utterly and entirely overwhelmed. Then I shook my head, disbelieving. “Wow, you’d have thought fifteen years would alter something!”

“He said you’d do this!” Lottie answered me scathingly, looking every inch of our mother as she scowled back at me. “He said you’d try and turn this all on him! That you’d hate me having him around!”

“Hang on, Lotts..” Danny tried to step in then, his face a right old picture. Only now deeming it the time to stop the pair of us. But Lottie was having none of it, shrugging off the hand that came to rest on her shoulder.

“Turn this on him?” I spluttered, angry and tired and hurt now. I’d known it, I’d known her getting to meet the man that still called himself her ‘Dad’ even after having spent her entire childhood locked up in prison would only end in tears. I’d just figured that it wouldn’t have been me in the firing line this time, that this time around if anything was set to happen that I would be the one to shield, to protect.

Because there hadn’t been anyone there to do it for me.

Suddenly it all felt like too much.

I didn’t have the energy any longer as I shuttered before them all, memories upon memories that I thought I had dealt with flooding back to the forefront of my mind. Flashing back and forth, then left and right.

“I was just worried, Lottie.” I heard myself say after a long drawn out pause, voice suddenly so much quieter than it previously had been, abruptly feeling as though I no longer had any real control of my body. “I just want you safe. I–”

I didn't even get to finish whatever sentence I was going to say next because Lottie was shaking her head before I even could, turning her back on me so that she could swipe her duffle up off the floor and shove past Danny to get to the stairs. “Whatever. I don’t want to hear it, I’m going to bed.”

The silence which followed in her wake was deafening and I didn’t have the heart to try and say much else on the subject, let alone look the rest of them in the eye. But, I did it anyway. Because that was who I was. Laughing lightly to myself in that self-depreciating way as I peered between them all, shrugging as I simply said, “Teenagers.. What’re you gonna do with ‘em."

I blew out a breath, grabbing the tea towel to have something to fiddle with before my legs decided to head back in the direction of the kitchen, “Reckon I’ma head up too anyway, it’s late. Ain’t it? Got shit to do tomorrow, too. You lot keep it down, yeah?” I directed the latter of that sentence towards Dan and T, who only blinked in surprise before hastily nodding at me.

“Yeah, sure.”

“‘Course, El.”

I dipped my chin at them both, avoiding Marshall’s heavy gaze as I stepped past him and made for the opposite direction from the front door.

I decided to get started on what little remained in the sink when he followed after me, his socked feet padding over the cold tiles beneath us as he came to a pause not too far away. Neither one of us said a word, simply let the clatter of soapy cutlery echo around the space until there was nothing left to clean. He stood there, waiting. Hands stuffed in the pockets of his trackies, no hat in sight.

I sniffed as I dried my hands, not due to tears but just to cover up the way I then coughed to try and dislodge the lump in my throat. “Sorry about before.” I mentioned after a moment had passed, commenting on it like someone would the weather as I chucked the tea towel down onto the counter without much fanfare.

Marshall didn’t say anything in retort to that though and so it forced my gaze back up and over to him, to where he still stood, watching me. My heart warmed at the sight of the metal frames he had yet to take off, at how they sloped down his nose to reveal the blue of his eyes. I knew he was only wearing them because of the headache that had started acting up on the drive back, but I loved the sight all the same. Enough that I didn’t think much of trailing closer to loop my arms around his neck.

He dipped his chin to brush his forehead against my own, pursing his mouth in jest, top lip brushing the tip of his nose in hopes to cheer me up. I smiled at it, the expression squinting my eyes as I looked up into his.

“How you doin’?” He asked after a breath passed between us, his hands finding purchase on my waist. We both knew he wasn’t really asking though, he knew how I felt, was just prompting me to talk.

Still, I shrugged all the same. Letting my gaze flicker downwards for that of a split second.

I didn’t want to think much on the argument. On the thoughts that were now eating me up.

So instead I smiled again and let my hand slip downwards to encase his own. I said nothing as we turned and he let me lead the way, soundless as we wandered through the rest of the house, flicking off the lights in rooms we passed before he was shutting my bedroom door behind us.

We went through the cycle of getting ready for bed in that same silence, a quiet that was only ever broken briefly by the low hum Marshall made whenever he moved between the room and the ensuite.

When we eventually wound up in bed, he just held me. And in all honesty, in that moment, it really did feel as though he was piecing me together, pressing every crack in which I was made up of against another in hopes that he wouldn’t shatter me any further.

I had to hope that he wouldn’t either.

…

Morning came with the break of day during a moment where time didn’t feel like it had much meaning. Although we had an early start, the alarm wasn’t set to go off for a while longer, and so I laid there for a short time, simply watching the sunlight stream in through a gap in the curtains and listening to Em’s quiet huffs.

I’d missed sleeping next to him. Next to his too warm feet and too cold hands. To his nose at my neck and the softness which often tended to overwhelm his features.

The rest of the house was quiet, almost eerily so. Usually that in itself wouldn’t bother me much, typically up and at ‘em only minutes after I’d gone and opened my eyes, but today it irked me. But I supposed that was simply down to the fact that everything felt a little too much this morning.

And although I was wide awake, all I really wanted was to fall back to sleep.

It was then, as though he knew what I’d been thinking, that Marshall smacked his lips, nose scrunching in a way that wrinkled his face further as he pressed it against the pillow. “‘S time?”

Hiding a smile, I turned back towards the ceiling. “You got a little while.”

He sniffed, shuffling further into my side and throwing a hand over my hip, “‘An you ‘wake?”

“Only been up for a little bit.” I told him, reaching out to trail my fingers over his forearm. If I didn’t think too much about it, I could almost remember where his tattoos started and stopped.

Marshall simply hummed, lips brushing against the curve of my shoulder. It felt easier then in that moment. The day.

I let him continue with it, kissing up my neck. I turned my head just enough so that he could nudge my jaw, fingers caressing my side.

“I ever tell you ‘bout the time I used to live in this shithole lil apartment over in Warren?” Marshall murmured, surprising me a tad even as he pressed another lasting kiss into the hollow skin just beneath my ear.

I thought on his question, eyes falling shut before I eventually shook my head.

He hummed, figuring as much, I supposed.

“Used to live there with a friend and his girl. She was, I don’t know, a waitress or some shit, used to work weird hours.” He continued on, eyes fluttering as he spoke, “But e’ry time I’d come home late, she’d kick up a fuckin’ storm. Din’ matter if she started blowdryin’ her hair at 4am or wanted to blend her shitty fuckin’ smoothies at night. Anythin’ I did, it pissed her off.”

My brow pinched, wondering where he was going with this story but more than content to merely listen. It was one of my favourite pastimes, hearing him talk. Even more so when he told me things about himself.

“Anyway, I could only afford this twin mattress, you know. Tiny two bedroom apartment above this crappy deli that had you shittin’ for days if you ever ate there and had walls so paper thin you only had to breathe to hear ‘em creak.” He went on, fingertips still drawing away on the skin of my waist. “So whenever I moved or turned over, even in my sleep, she’d start fuckin’ bangin’ on the wall, right? Enough so that one day– no word of a lie– she put her fuckin’ fist straight through it.”

I snorted, punching a breath out through my nose before I shook my head at the picture he had painted for me.

He was smiling too, I could tell without even having to look.

“So,” He continued on, dragging that first word out, “‘Cause we ain’t have the money to fix that shit up, it kept growin’. To the point where it probably could’a been a door.”

“You didn’t even put up like a blanket?” I asked him, thinking back to the time I’d separated the cupboard sized bedroom I’d shared with Danny as kids with nothing but a sheet and a bit of desperate hope.

Marshall shook his head, “Nah, I didn’t, mostly ‘cause I knew it pissed her off so much. To the point where they stopped havin’ sex ‘cause she’d hear me e’ry time I laughed at her wailing.”

I couldn’t contain my grin at that, tongue caught between my teeth as I bit back my laughter.

“Yeah, pornstars had nothin’ on her.” He chuckled too, before eventually moving on. “Anyway, this sort of reminds me of that.”

I smacked his wrist, shoving him away slightly as I turned to better face him. “Oi, how the fuck does this compare to that, you idiot?”

He just smirked back at me though, tiredly rolling his eyes. “Jus’ in the way that the sunlight creeps in, dummy.” He answered me, “Hole in the wall would cast these sunbeams out over the length of my room each morning, ‘n I jus’ remember gettin’ lost watchin’ them.”

It was then that I shifted on my pillow just enough for the warmth of another sunbeam, one of our own this time, to stretch across my face. My eyes wrinkled at the sudden brightness but Marshall locked onto it, watchful and almost mesmerised.

I swallowed at the sight of it, before my breath hitched when his hand reached up to swoop along the visible edge of the yellowed beam.

“It’s weird sometimes.” He murmured to me softly, eyes flicking back and forth between mine. “Feels like a lifetime ago, like somebody else lived it.”

That I could understand.

I reached up to take hold of his wrist, bringing his hand down to link with mine over my chest. “You ever miss it?” I wondered out loud.

He blinked back at me and I knew he was mulling the question over, even though we both knew that we’d thought about it one too many times to count over the years. “I do. But I wouldn’t go back. E’rything would be too different.”

His phone buzzed then, the alarm going off. He reached for it with a sigh but turned it off before bringing it back to settle between us.

“Z texted, asked if we’d call her again today.” He revealed to me as he looked it over, ”She wants your opinion on– the fuck even is that?”

I peered at the screen, then chuckled. “Don’t worry, I’ll explain later.”

Marshall rolled his eyes, but let it lie, scrolling through the rest of his notifications, tilting the phone so that I could see too. I liked that he did that, and I knew it wasn’t due to the fact that he wanted to prove he had nothing to hide. It was more down to him wanting to share this time together, because if we were just going to lie here then I knew that he would feel like he was leaving me out or being rude simply by ignoring me in favour of it.

There wasn’t much to view in truth, so I bullied him into showing me his camera roll, wanting to see what I’d missed out on since I’d been in London. There were a few pictures to see; some of the barbecue that I’d missed (Marshall caught beneath an armful of kids and Z running around a yard set), two within the diner (Marcie’s red lipped smile as well as a monstrous ice-cream sundae), and a couple at the ‘grocery’ store (“It’s a supermarket, babe.” “The fuck it is.”).

He kept scrolling until we started to reach the night before I’d left. He swiped once more before hastily swiping back, deciding then to switch the entire thing off a little too quickly. “Ain’t miss much.” He felt the need to add.

“Hold on,” I said, pausing and pursing my lips in suspicion, “Go back, what was that last one?”

Marshall hummed, but didn’t reopen his phone. “Nothin’, jus’ another picture at the house.”

I narrowed my stare. “Let’s see it then.”

Reaching out to grab a hold of the phone, Em quickly rolled over to move it out of the way before peering back at me with his baby blue eyes, attempting to feign a look of innocence though he was being entirely too transparent.

“Marshall, come on.” I laughed, reaching out once more. “Just lemme see!”

He shook his head, tucking the thing under his arse as though that would provide an extra barrier. There were no realms I wouldn’t attempt to breach.

“Come on, you twat!”

“No.” He huffed, mouth quivering in his attempt to keep from smiling. “You’ll get all pissy.”

I had to roll my eyes. “Fuck off, why would I get pissy, you numpty? What did you do?” I pressed, needing to know now.

Marshall did laugh then as I jumped across him to make a grab for his mobile, one hand pinching his side whilst the other slid beneath his bum. “Nothin’! Christ, you’re relentless.” He forced out, grappling for the phone I now held before I launched myself back onto my side of the bed, opening it up to swipe back to the picture in question.

I blinked at what I was met with. Then I gaped a tad.

It was me. Alright, in actual fact it was a lot of me.

My eyes flicked up to read his expression, but he was as stoic as ever, the only tell hiding behind his weighted stare. Waiting.

“Why?!” I finally had to ask him, titling my head ever so slightly to get a better look at the dark picture I was looking at. It wasn’t grainy or anything, just pictured from enough of a distance that the light played into things. In all honesty, it was almost a tad bit artsy. Still, the question stood! “Of all the things you could’ve snapped, my arse was it?” I asked him, looking at a silhouette of myself from behind.

It had been taken back in Detroit, in Marshall’s bedroom. And from the looks of it, he had to have been laying in bed when he’d taken it because it was a shot that stretched from the edge of the duvet, across the floor and into the ensuite where I was stood naked and stretching to turn on the showerhead.

Marshall snorted at whatever face I had to have pulled but when I glanced up he was blinking back at me, the picture of complete morality.

I quirked a brow.

“Jus’ liked the view, baby.” He attempted to sweet talk me, lifting his arms to rest behind his head. My eyes caught on the bulge of his bicep, but I didn’t let it deter me. “You were leavin’. Wanted to be able to see you whenever I wanted.”

“But–” I spluttered, looking back at the image again. “You couldn’t have asked? I could’ve posed or some shit! This is– it’s so bad, Marsh!”

He rolled his eyes at my words, but I had to press on, eyes only widening the more I took it in. “I thought it was a soddin’ picture of the moon at first glance! That’s why I thought it was so weird you didn’t wanna show me! Just— Jesus, Marshall…”

“The moon.” He scoffed, though he was blatantly laughing now. Entirely unphased by my fretting, in actual fact he was way too fucking amused. “The fuck you talkin’ about? You look insane, baby.”

“Don’t baby me, arsehole. It’s insane, yeah. Hugely insane, why the fuck does it look like that? I mean, it’s gigantic, Marshall! Not even squats will fix that. Just make it worse, I reckon.” I complained, huffing at it. Had it always looked like that? “I swear on my life, I’m never gettin’ fuckin’ starkers again. You wanna fuck? Best get used to home-made shorts, mate. There’ll be one hole and that’s that.”

Marshall flat out cackled at that, wheezed a tad even.

I merely groaned, dropped the phone onto his chest and then rolled over to shove my face into my pillow.

I’d have to look through every photo ever taken of me from behind on the car ride to this incoming interview now. Better yet, I’d have to try and talk Lottie into being my mate again simply so that I could ask her if my arse was really that huge. Maybe T would be down for it if she was still being a mare.

A gentle hand caressed the back of my head then, but even with the soft gesture I could still feel him chuckling away at my reaction. “It’s not fuckin’ gigantic, don’t be an idiot. Honestly, what shit you been takin’? It’s perfect, a real handful.” He added just as he reached down to squeeze my arse, the absolute bastard.

I swatted his hand away and lifted my head to groan once more, entirely unhappy with this whole situation. “I hate you.”

“Nah, you don’t.” He grinned so cocksure of himself.

I rolled my eyes, batting him away once more when he grazed a hand over my leg. “I can’t believe I have a fat arse. Someone please inform the papers! They’ll have a fucking field day with this.”

I then resorted to throwing the pillow back over my head, hoping it would end things for me quickly. Suffocation seemed like the best case scenario in all due course.

Em was no help at all, giggling away like a schoolgirl at her first sleepover, I swear he might have had actual tears forming in his eyes when he managed to drag the pillow away from me. I frowned, all but pouting at him now.

“Honestly, ‘m in pain.” He blew out, holding his sides as I huffed. “My fuckin’ stomach hurts, I can’t breathe.”

“Fuck off!”

“I think I’ma piss myself, I swear.” Marshall muttered back to me, wiping at his eyes. “There’s something wrong wit you, yeah. But it ain’t your ass, you fuckin’ dummy.”

I shoved at him, but he was honestly laughing so hard that he somehow ended up toppling over the duvet he’d managed to pool around his waist. My eyes went wide just as I saw his expression change to one of shock, startled by the sudden realisation of what was about to come, before he fell right off the bed and onto the floor.

It was silent for a long second, enough that I crawled closer to peer over the edge. A tad concerned, at least until I caught the way Marshall was now silently snickering, pooled in a bundle of sheets. I glared, then chucked the nearest pillow at him. “You can sleep down there from now on. Seeing as I’ll need what space I can muster up for my massive fucking arse!”

Marshall actually hiccuped at that, clutching at his stomach now.

I went to bitch at him some more, but it was then that a loud knock reverberated through the room and I turned my head over to where a voice called out past my bedroom door, “The feck are yous two doin’! It ain’t even six am, ye daft twats!”

It was that which set Em off again, and I couldn’t stop myself from snickering away either.

Truly, I didn’t think I’d ever seen him so carefree. It was a marvelling sight.

“Fuck off, Tadgh!” I called out, smirking now as I sat back up on the mattress.

“Aye, I would, but from the sounds of it ye two seem to be doin’ all the fuckin’!” T shot back at me, only retreating from the door when the water bottle I threw rattled its hinges. “Jesus wept– Dan yer sister’s bein’ violent again!”

Rolling my eyes at the idiot, I could only sigh to myself before I let my gaze flick away from where the clock sat over to where Marshall was starting to pull himself back together.

“You should laugh like that more often, you know. Takes years off you.” I teased, body bouncing slightly when he threw himself back onto the mountain of pillows, flicking me as he went in retribution. “Should start gettin’ ready now too if you don’t wanna be any later than we already are.”

Em didn’t seem to care much though, melting into the mattress once more as his eyes slipped shut and his hands came to rest over his middle. My stare only seemed to catch on the stupid smile he still wore though. “Five minutes and I swear I’ll move.” He promised me, doing nothing to dim the persistent chuckles that quietly wracked through him every few seconds.

“Old age really getting to you?” I asked, poking his side childishly.

He cracked open a single eye to glance my way, “Careful, you ain’t too far behind me.”

I hummed, neither confirming nor denying the words, then moved to stand from the bed.

Marshall, on the other hand, appeared content enough to simply watch me as I went, picking out something to wear for the day, as well as whatever else I needed before I trailed my way over to the ensuite. It was only when I reached the doorway that I paused though, casting a chance glance over my shoulder, “You comin’ or not? I don’t want another repeat of that picture happenin’.”

His brows rose in reply before he moved to prop himself up on his elbows. “An invitation, for lil old me?” He taunted, words curling around a smug smile. It was only when I flattened my expression, done with waiting, that he jumped up to join, reaching out for me as he approached, a manoeuvre I laughed at as I ducked back behind the door.

“Wash my hair and I'll think about turning this into a show.”

Marshall whistled. “Sign me up.”

–

It wasn’t too long a drive, for London at least. Even Marshall, usually so intent on carting us around simply for something to keep him occupied, wasn’t all that fussed this morning, sat in the backseat of the black car Mila had sent.

Everyone quickly learned one way or another that London was always up and down whenever it came to timing– and not just the weather– you could be stuck on an A road for half the morning some days, or you could get lucky and make it from Hackney to Fulham in just over an hour.

Today seemed to cater towards the latter. Even if I was a bouncing ball brimming with uncontained anxiety.

I knew it was mostly down to the weird evening we’d had, my argument with Lottie, not being able to see her before we’d had to leave, but the thought of what today would bring wasn’t making it any easier.

Interviews typically aggravated my nerves. I could sing to a crowd of blurred faces under bright lights and not bat an eye, but talking to people? Having to be so careful of what I say and wary of how things could come across… Yeah, it set my teeth on edge like fuck all else.

This interview though was different. Simply because it was with Marshall. The two of us.

Like an interview, with just me and him.

Are you getting that? Just us. And an interviewer. And–

Fucking hell, I was proper shitting bricks about it.

I’d been incessant in the way I’d chosen to cope, finger tap-tap-tapping away on the centre console enough that our driver had politely wound the divider back up to offer us a semblance of privacy. I knew it was just driving him mental though. I reckoned it would have annoyed Marshall too, if the man hadn’t been so absorbed in the conversation he’d been having with Paul.

Though, I supposed I’d gone and spoken too soon, because no sooner than I’d thought it had Em moved to lay his hand over mine, linking our fingers and stilling the jittery joint altogether.

My head simultaneously moved to find him, but his stare was still captured by the passing city outside, humming to something Paul said before humming once again and then answering him.

I let my eyes slip close, slumping further into my seat so that I could better rest my head, and then simply tried to breathe through the many emotions. Ultimately, I understood that it was stupid of me to let myself get so worked up but I couldn’t quite control it.

Everything just felt too much and I knew that a lot was riding on this interview. Marshall had some diehard fans and that in itself would bring in a whole new crowd that was unfamiliar to me. I didn’t want to fuck it all up, or make any of the opinions the song had gone and garnered worse.

“Hm, uh-huh. Yeah, Paul. Yeah, I get it, man.” Marshall murmured, thumb gently brushing over the outer side of my pinky. “Sure, I’ll send another email about it. Just make sure it gets done in time. Alright, man. Yeah, I appreciate it. Ok, talk later.”

It was with that in which he hung up.

“Everything alright?” I asked, blinking over at him again.

He hummed, tucking the phone away before he angled his body in my direction. “You good?” He then wondered in turn, tugging on our paired hands to settle them both over his left thigh, his eyes finding mine, “Been weird since ‘fore we left.”

Smiling meekly, I blew out a large breath. “Just nervous.” I revealed, not wanting to delve too deeply into everything else, Marshall seemed to somehow sense that though because he simply nodded, taking it on the chin like he did most things.

It was just as we rounded the next street corner, tower blocks following one after the other now, that he reached over with his free hand to undo my seatbelt and jutted his head in a motion that gestured me closer.

I shuffled into the middle seat without another word said, tension slowly ebbing from my shoulders as I settled into his side. I felt my eyes close as he pressed a chaste kiss to the side of my head, continuing to hold my hand.

“It’ll all be fine. If anythin’ goes wrong, or you feel like crap? Just defer to me.” He murmured lowly, squeezing my hand as he did, “Mess up? Blame me. Can’t answer somethin’? Blame me. Shit yourself? Blame me.”

I chuckled to myself at that last bit, wearing a genuine smile now. “Will make sure to remember that.”

“Make sure you do.” Em cracked a small smile too, looking back at me with a soft sort of look that I couldn’t quite get enough of. “Last night on your mind?” He then questioned, catching me a tad off guard, but the soothing brush of his hand only had me blowing out another weighted breath.

I nodded silently, casting my eyes out towards the window. “Just, I don’t know… Hate to leave things like I did.”

He emitted a low hum, “You fight like that often?”

Frowning, I shook my head. “No, hardly ever. I–” I paused, debating on it, thinking back on everything that had been said between us, “I just think it’s me, being away and stuff. Leaving her at mums.”

“You leave her longer on tour though, no?” Marshall’s question wasn’t accusatory, far from it, just prodding.

I chewed on my lower lip all the same, “I mean, yeah, but–”

“Her dad’s never been there.”

I swallowed thickly at the way he’d finished my sentence, struggling with the fact that he’d read me so easily.

“Yeah.”

He stayed quiet for a short while after that, long enough that I figured we’d keep at it until we arrived but, like most things with Marshall, I was often surprised. “There’s a story there, right? ‘Tween you and him.”

The wind was sort of knocked out of my lungs but I found myself nodding anyway, eyes starting to sting. “Yeah,” I choked out, “Yeah there is.”

Marshall’s hold on my hand tightened by a fraction but he didn’t press any further, simply let me put myself back together, a much needed anchor in a suddenly stormy sea.

I breathed my way through it, though I couldn’t quite escape the flashbacks I kept having of last night. Of what Lottie had said. Of Danny trying to intervene. Of what I had done.

I wet my lip before I eventually glanced back over to Em, who’d been happy enough just looking out the window again. I opened my mouth, but then closed it whilst I tried to think over how to ask my next question.

He must have heard the many cogs turning in my mind though because he glanced back at me, perplexed.

I stared for a beat longer, then just said, “You were scared.”

A frown etched itself onto his face, more confused than I’d seen him so I hurried to explain, almost stumbling over the words to do so.

“Last night. Before everything happened,” I tried, brows pinching as my free hand came up to haphazardly flap between us, “You looked– You just had this weird look in your eyes, you know, when Lotts came in.”

A flash of understanding crossed his face and then he nodded once. “Oh, you mean when she first saw me?”

I nodded hurriedly, “Yeah.”

He rubbed at the tip of his nose before a small, though tender, smile twitched at his lips. “Wasn’t like what you were thinkin’. I weren’t scared she was gonna go crazy after seein’ me or some shit.”

My mouth tugged upwards, understanding what he’d meant.

“Nah, just. I don’t know. Didn’t want to fuck it up, I guess. Felt like I already had when she first saw me and I sort of froze.” He pushed the air out of his mouth at that, an abashed sort of sound, then continued on, “Felt real stupid when you came out, started thinkin’ that I’d gone and fucked it up somehow. I know how much she means to you, ‘nd well, I just didn’t want to ruin what we got goin’ on ‘cause I was an idiot who forgot how to say hi.”

My smile at that moment was so doting, chest almost hurting at the notion of him wanting his meeting of my little sister to be more than perfect. I couldn’t stop myself from reaching out to run my fingers over his temple and cheek, pausing at the dimple right by his mouth.

“You’re–” I shook my head, unable to find the right word to describe him.

“Stupid?” He attempted to fill in the blank and so I rolled my eyes, shucking his chin with hardly any force at all. “Dumb? A fuckin’ mess?” He carried on, smile growing now.

I had to shake my head once more, capturing his chin between my fingers to keep him from letting his head bridge the gap between us any further. “Amazing.” I answered, eyes jumping between his own.

I really wanted to kiss him then, so I wasn’t all that surprised when he ended up stealing my idea, capturing my wrist with his free hand so he could close the distance and lean in.

“You’re so full of shit.” He chuckled airily against my lips, but it was too late, I had already felt his grin. He couldn’t fool me.

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